Chapter I - A Letter to Myself
Disclaimer: I love Ai no Kusabi, but I don't own this anime nor any of the characters in it.
Warnings: The same as the anime- yaoi. Also, OOC. Mature content. Please don't read it if you don't like it.
Thanks to Sakura Sango, who was very kind to point out my mistakes and make this a better story.
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A Letter to Myself
This is the first time I have touched a pen since Iason took me in three years ago, and probably the last time before I get "corrected". Yes, it has been three long years since that fateful day when I first met him. It all happened in a flash, and yet, I am able to call on every single small detail at any given time. Even though I was reluctant to acknowledge the truth until the end, I have to admit that he has captured my heart from the first moment my eyes locked on his sapphires. It all sounds so cliché and unreal, just like a fairytale. Fairytales aren't real, they are abstract and hold no substance, just like perfection and god and love. Fairytales are only ideas created in the mind to distract the senses from reality.
The mind is a strange thing. It is sophisticated and unique, and processes a quality of divineness, for it must be the only thing that stood the challenge of change through time. The brain made those who know how to use it flourish while the others crumbled and diminished like dry leaf in fire. No matter how advanced the current technology has become or will become, it will never discover all the hidden secrets of that one little organ inside the cranium, that distinguished one man from another.
She can't lock my memories away completely, and so she can't destroy my mind as long as I get to live. I will find clues, and hold on to it like a fisherman to his rod and will not let go until the catch is wheeled in from the deep dark waters. If I read this letter again, then the sunlight has exposed the shape of the creature from the deep…
I have no parents, siblings, or any other relatives that I know of. Ever since I could remember, it has always been like that in a place in the slums called Ceres. I had one true friend once, but due to a dreadful incident long ago, he lost his life saving mine. He told me that he loved me, but at that time I was young and could not understand. He said he would wait for me, but he left in the end and did not hold his promise. It didn't seem fair, because he had such big dreams while I had nothing. He would always tell me of how he would get out of the slum one day and make a name for himself. I had nothing, so I lived for him and took on his dreams along with his name and personality and took the path that he would have taken if he was alive. He had a nice name... People called him Riki.
I lived like Riki and chose a lover that would fit his taste. He was a nice person, and his name was Guy. I also achieved part of Riki's dream by becoming the leader of an infamous gang in Ceres called Bison. My life was monotonous. I got caught and fell into the bland pattern of a boring life. It was boring because it was repetitive. It did not lacked action, for it was dangerous all the time. Melancholy creeps onto me because the randomness of life and danger, it passes and goes and can't be controlled. It was like looking at someone rolling a dice that determined your fate. Even though the result concerns you, the situation is passive.
I wished for adrenaline to be passed through my blood, a game of gamble which I could decide where to place the chips. If there was a God, He must have heard me. The day I met Iason was the day Riki started to die. I felt something that moment that I could not put into words. I didn't know to want something could feel so sensational. I met a Blondie and he took me in as a pet, despite the fact that it was forbidden. For three long years, I had to fight an inner struggle of Riki's dreams and my own lust. Lust won over as Cupid's blind arrows pierced me. I took everything he gave me, but did not give anything in return because of my doubts of his love that might turn out to be nothing but obsession. I could not give into him completely, until it was too late. At last, he proved to the world that he loved me with his body, heart, and soul. He did not even back away in the face of death in the tragic incident of Dana Burn.
We did not die, but were rescued at the last moment and restored to full health. Jupiter's wrath fell on her most beloved son and commanded him to get rid of me. If it wasn't for the fact that he held on to me so tightly, they would have just left me there to burn back in that inferno. I don't deserve any of this, and yet he threatened for no harm to come to me with his own life in the face of his creator. They agreed upon a final decision: to let me live but wipe my memory. She thought once I forget, I will no longer have an influence on him.
It all happened so fast, I have not even gotten a chance to speak my true heart to him yet. Perhaps it is fate, but I just wish I had more time… Reflecting back on the times we spent together, I have realized how selfish I was. I do not deserve Iason and his love. He has given me so much, and in the end I took almost everything away from him. I will not remember any of this in a few days. It will not be fair if things are left to be as it is, and so therefore I have left myself clues which I will find and hopefully remind me of my past. Once I remember, I will somehow make things right again.
I am almost glad that I will not remember any of this for a while. There has been so much to take in. I don't think I could stand another second to see the heart-broken Iason.
I love him, too…
Riki