Ron's Bullet for Harry

After completing Hogwarts as Valedictorian, and Ron as "class clown", Harry became the Prime Minister of England. Why didn't he go to college, you ask? Harry used his popularity, fame, and wit to charm his way to the Queen. Harry felt sorry for the boot-licking, bum-kissing, unsuccessful Ron, his tiresome 'best friend' who got hurt on every adventure they took. So Ron the loser became Harry's bodyguard.

Now, Harry was soooooo popular that he didn't need Ron. Everybody liked Harry, and didn't want to harm him. And Voldemort was out of the way! In the last book, Harry defeated ol' Voldey for the 17th time! And Peter had a spell put on him to make him stay a rat and he was sold at a pet shop to Colin Creevy and he is probably being tortured as you read this.

Anywho, everything at Harry's mansion was fine except Harry himself. He was getting ready to make his biggest-speech-in-the-world speech. Oooo! Very excitapating! He was pacing back and forth, mumbling to himself. Ron was in the corner having a tea party with 'dolly wet your pants'. "Mr. Potter," came a deep and very masculine voice, "it's time." As Harry turned, he was shocked at what he saw.

"Neville!" he cried, jumping to his feet. Neville Longbottom was a 7-foot, very muscular policeman. He no longer had his skinny glasses on and ate inhalers for breakfast, very different from the timid, shy, Neville he knew.

Neville walked Harry to the podium with Ron walking behind them, looking up at the clouds, picking out animal shapes. Harry began his speech as Ron noticed someone familiar in the back. Was it his mom? No, he didn't have red hair. Was it Hermione? No, he was a man. Was it Ron? No, I'm Ron! Then, he remembered -very rare with Ron- it was Voldemort! Of course Ron didn't understand he was bad so he jumped up and down saying, "'Arry! 'Arry! It's our old friend Voldey!"

"Be quiet Ron!" Harry scolded, "Everybody knows I defeated him long ago!"

"But 'Arry-"

"I said, be quiet Ron! I'm trying to give a speech!" Ron sulked in a corner as Harry resumed his speech. Then Ron noticed Voldemort pulling out a long, black, stick from his coat.

"Look what Voldemort' s got 'Arry!"

"Ron! How many times do I- Ahhhhh! He's got a gun! Duck!"

"Oh, I love ducks!" Ron said, "Where's the ducky? Oh, that's right! Voldemort' s going to shoot 'Arry and I'm his best friend and bodyguard so I'll have to take the bullet. Righto then! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Ron shouted, as all good bodyguards should when taking a bullet, and jumped in front of Harry as the trigger was being pulled and the bullet landed right in his chest, killing him instantly. Voldemort walked up on the stage next to Harry and they shook hands. "Well then Harry, I've killed your annoying little 'friend'. Where's the cash?" Harry opened a giant suitcase full of 20-pound notes.

"Here's the 10,000,000 pounds you asked for and thanks again for getting rid of that annoying pest. Nice doing business with you." So there you are folks. Harry made a dirty deal with his ex-nemesis to terminate his ex-best friend. Happy Holidays from the Ron hater!