A Sleepy Hollow Christmas
Setting--Ichabod and Katrina's New York townhouse, Christmastime. Snow is falling gently and carolers are singing quietly. The house is decorated lavishly in the spirit of the season, and inside, a fire burns brightly. Katrina sits on the couch complacently while Ichabod is yet to be seen. A reunion is afoot...
Ichabod--(rushes into the room and begins bustling around, readying the living room for the guests) Goodness, I hope everything's all right... I do want things to go well...
Katrina--(sits on the sofa, toying vacantly with her hair) Oh, Ichy, honey, it'll all be fine. Just serve those little cocktail weenies and you'll be a smash! (giggles)
Ichabod--(stops to stare at her) Katrina, dear... It's the 19th century. I'm quite certain they haven't invented cocktail weiners yet.
Katrina--(frowns) Are you sure? Not even that tangy barbeque sauce...?
Ichabod--Positive.
Katrina--(crosses her arms over her ridiculously exposed chest and sulks) Darn. Ichy, can't you just invent some?
Ichabod--No, I can't. (resumes scurrying about) And stop calling me Ichy.
Katrina--(giggles)
(There's a sharp rap at the door)
Ichabod--Oh, they're here! (yells) Young Masbath! Come downstairs! (runs and answers the door)
(The Headless Horseman and Lady Van Tassel stand there; the Horseman is without a head and Lady Van Tassel looks dazed)
Ichabod--Merry Christmas! (glances at the Horseman in surprise) Oh, goodness, what happened?
Horseman--(tries to do some feeble sign language which, if you understood sign language, would probably mean something along the lines of 'help, there's a chicken in my sock')
Lady Van Tassel--(monotone) Accident in the Tree of the Dead.
Ichabod--...Oh. (motions) Come in, come in! Brom will arrive soon.
Horseman--(gets about three steps in before Katrina pounces on him)
Katrina--Hessy, sweetie!
Ichabod--I think he prefers Hessian, dear...
Katrina--(giggles) Merry Christmas! (produces a wreath and places it around the Horseman's non-existent neck...it falls to the floor... Katrina frowns down at it, trying to comprehend what just happened)
Horseman--(gives a figurative sigh and walks the rest of the way in, leaving Lady Van Tassel to stand at the door)
Ichabod--(looks at Lady Van Tassel, who hasn't moved) Um... would you like to come in?
Lady Van Tassel--(stands there, staring straight ahead)
Ichabod--Um... all right... (he grabs her and yanks her to a chair)
(Outside, caroling gets louder, then is followed by harsh yelps and curses)
Ichabod--(yells) Young Masbath, stop throwing rocks at the carolers and come downstairs!
(Young Masbath appears at the top of the stairs)
Katrina--Mazzy, baby! (giggles)
Ichabod--(a little out of patience) Katrina, dear... (he turns to Young Masbath) Young Masbath, just because I have yet to learn your first name is no reason to pout.
Young Masbath--...I like to hit people with hard objects.
Ichabod--(motioning with his hands) Come, everyone, sit. (takes a seat, as does everyone else)
Young Masbath--(sitting next to the Horseman, he stares at the bloodied stump in awe) Man, that is wicked...
Ichabod--(whispering) You'll have to forgive him; the death of his father and all the headless nonsense has rather...influenced him.
Horseman--(twiddles his thumbs, trying to ignore Young Masbath...nervously scoots away)
Ichabod--Abraham should be here any moment now--
(There's a knock at the door)
Ichabod--Ah, here he is! (jumps up and answers the door; Brom Bones stands there, shifting uncomfortably. Yes, I know. He's dead. Not a problem.)
Brom--Um, hi, Constable Crane.
Ichabod--Hello, Abraham!
Brom--(looks behind him) Who? (being sliced in two, his top half begins to slide off... he gasps and twists back around, cinching his belt another notch)
Ichabod--(blinks a bit) Come in and-- (he frowns) Er, maybe you'd better stand, Brom.
Brom--(nods meaningfully and takes a spot behind Katrina)
Katrina--(giggles) Brommy!
Brom--(sighs) I really don't need this right now... (his top half starts to slide again)
Ichabod--I think everyone's here... (he does a quick look-over of the room) Baltus was supposed to come, but he rather... lost his head. (chuckles)
Katrina--(breaks into a fit of sobbing)
Ichabod--Erk...I mean...(claps his hands) Let's open presents!
Katrina--(quickly recovers) Yay!
Ichabod--Who did everyone draw? (everyone pulls out small slips of paper) I got the Horseman.
Katrina--I got you, Ichy! (giggles)
Ichabod--(mutters) Wonderful... what about you, Young Masbath?
Young Masbath--Lady Van Tassel. (he shoots a malicious grin to the silent woman)
Brom--I got the kid. (starts to slide again) Wo-ah!
Lady Van Tassel--(sits there)
Ichabod--Lady Van Tassel, I take it you have Brom?
Lady Van Tassel--(sits there)
Ichabod--...right. And the Horseman--
Horseman--(frantically motioning towards Katrina; no one was paying any attention to him)
Ichabod--We see, Hessian, we see... (he produces a small wrapped present) Merry Christmas! (he looks a little uncertain) However, now... it might be rather--
Horseman--(seizes the figt from Ichabod's hands and opens it... it's a hat)
Ichabod--(squirms) Yeah, well...
Horseman--(stares at it, then picks it up)
Ichabod--I got it before your... um... accident... If you want to return it, that's fine--
Horseman--(proudly plops it on his neck)
Ichabod--(brightens) Good, good! (he turns to Young Masbath) Young Masbath, why don't you give Lady Van Tassel her present?
Young Masbath--...whatever. (he hands over a black jeweled ring)
Ichabod--(looking surprised and pleased) Why, that's beautiful! You put such thought into that! I'm proud of you!
Lady Van Tassel--(sits there)
Horseman--(takes it and jams it on her finger)
Young Masbath--It's a poison ring. The little compartment holds the poison... maybe there's some left, if you're lucky. (snickers)
Brom--(tightening his belt) The kid needs therapy. (he hands over a package to Young Masbath) But here. I got you something most men find useful.
Young Masbath--...all I want for Christmas is a first name. (opens the present reluctantly; his eyes light up) An ax! Sweet!
Ichabod--(looking nervous) I'm not sure that's a good idea, Brom...
Brom--Relax. He'll be fine!
Young Masbath--(jumps up and begins waving the ax around... several people jump or duck... Young Masbath smacks the brunt of the ax right into Brom, who yells and topples over... just his top half)
Ichabod--(scurrying over to Young Masbath) I'll take that... (snatches the ax) Santa wouldn't be pleased to see that you're causing destruction and mayhem on Christmas, would he? You can have it back tomorrow.
Young Masbath--(growls) Omae o korusu...
Ichabod--Pardon?
Young Masbath--...nothing.
Horseman--(meanwhile, has been trying to get Katrina's attention by waving his arms around... finally, he gives up and gives her hair a good strong yank)
Katrina--(clutching her hair) Ow-wow!
Horseman--(always one for holiday cheer, he shoves the present at her)
Katrina--Thanks, Hessy! You're a doll! (she goes to give him a kiss on the cheek... well, there's no cheek to kiss, so she just opens the present) Earrings! (she squeals and holds them up to her ears) They're lovely!
Lady Van Tassel--(monotone) They're from the Widow Winship's head.
Katrina--(shrieks and tosses them away) Um... I'll wear them later. (she giggles and holds up a large present) Your turn, Ichy!
Ichabod--(takes it with a rather forced grin) Thank you, my dear.
Katrina--(holds out her cheek with her eyes closed)
Ichabod--(sighs and gives her a quick kiss, then starts opening the present) Why, whatever could it-- (he stops; it's a cage) Um... what is it?
Katrina--(giggles) It's a--
Ichabod--(lets out a rather girlish scream and drops the cage) SPIDER!
Katrina--Young Masbath said you loved them! (beams)
Young Masbath--(snickers evilly)
Ichabod--(he jumps up on the table) Kill it! Kill it~
Young Masbath--Let's hope it doesn't get into the walls and breed...
Ichabod--(shrieks) KILL IT!!!
Brom--(still lays half on the floor) What's going on?!
Katrina--Where'd it go...?
Brom--(starting to panick) Where'd WHAT go?!
Ichabod--(up on the table, hopping from foot to foot) KILL IT!
Brom--What the hell are you--(suddenly yelps and begins flailing madly on the floor) AGH! There's something in my shirt!!
Katrina--(covering her mouth with her hands) Don't squish him!
Ichabod--(hysterical) Get a pan! Use the ax! My handgun's in the bedroom!
Brom--(still wiggling and yelping) Get it out, get it out!!
(the spider scuttles out in all the chaos, scampering right towards the Horseman)
Horseman--(looks down, then calmly squooshes it)
(the room is nearly quiet; Katrina is crying into Young Masbath's shoulder, Brom is squirming and trying to regain composure, and Ichabod is curled up on the table, gasping and whimpering)
Brom--...I haven't gotten a present yet.
Horseman--(scrapes the spider off his shoe and pulls out a present from Lady Van Tassel... he throws it towards Brom)
Brom--(gets hit in the head) ...Ow. (he gropes around and finds the gift) Thank you, Lady Van Tassel. (he opens it) A new belt! Wow! Thanks! (he goes to put it on and stops) Er... Constable Crane, could you give me a hand?
Ichabod--(whimpers) Is it dead? Are you sure? It hasn't multiplied yet?
Katrina--I'll help, Brommy! (giggles and lifts him up, putting his top half properly on his bottom)
Brom--Thanks--woah! (topples off)
Katrina--(frowns down at him, then picks up the forgotten wreath and places it proudly around Brom's waist) Yay! (giggles and claps)
Brom--(shaking his head) For the love of God...
Horseman--(trying to coax Ichabod down from the table)
Ichabod--(whispers) Do you see it? Do you see it?
Horseman--(shows him the bottom of his shoe)
Ichabod--Ew! (he coughs, trying to regain composure, and climbs down from the table) All right, everything's under control...
Young Masbath--(snickers)
Lady Van Tassel--(who has been comatose the whole time, suddenly lets out a long, wavering shriek... everyone jumps and looks at her in surprise) I HATE THIS! I HATE MY LIFE! IT'S HELL LIVING IN THAT DAMN TREE!
(Blank stares all around, save for the Horseman, who shifts uncomfortably and tries to calm his wife)
Lady Van Tassel--(goes on, undaunted) AND I CAN'T STAND THOSE DAMN HEADS! I CAN'T DUST AROUND THEM, BUT I'M SURE AS HELL NOT GONNA TOUCH THEM!
Ichabod--Lady Van Tassel, please--
Lady Van Tassel--(turns on him) NO, YOU LISTEN, MR. HERO! IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT!
Ichabod--(meekly) Um, you were going to kill my girlfriend and wreak havoc upon the town--
Lady Van Tassel--(grabbing the ax) LET'S SEE WHO LOSES WHOSE HEAD, SHALL WE?!
(Fade out on Ichabod's house... faint screams and crashes... snow falls gently... carolers sing softly... Merry Christmas)