Author's Note: For the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition, Season Two/Round Six, as Captain for the Caerphilly Catapults, writing a letter to yourself. Also, for the If You Dare Challenge, prompt 328. Get Over It.
~Hannah
To Draco with Love
(After the War, unable to sleep, a reformed Draco Malfoy hoping to clear his mind writes a letter to his past self about what he did wrong.)
My dearest Me,
I know that I was a teenager and I was an idiot. Everyone's an idiot when they're a teenager, and unfortunately, I think that Malfoys are no exception. It is just a universal law of life.
So of course the Dark side seemed appealing. Mysterious. More fun. And a tradition besides.
Who doesn't have an evil side?
But teenage me, let me tell you something: you were an idiot. And you didn't know that. You thought you were perfect then. And then you grew up to be the present me, and I'm better.
At least your inklings about Potter were right. He was against you, he was too good, and he was indeed a git and a prat and all of those things at the time. But all of us were. So I guess what I'm saying is that you had the right feelings but the wrong actions - you should've gone to the Light Side, past me. No, it's not mysterious. No, it's not always fun. Yes, it's breaking tradition. But you get to sleep at night and look at yourself in the mirror.
I know you didn't change sides all out of genuine guilt, past me. I know that you joined out of jealousy for the comrardery, out of not wanting to go to Azkaban, out of wanting to be accepted. You had your reasons. If I were to do it over again at my age, I would have my reasons.
At Hogwarts everything was surreal. When you were a first-year, you thought, "I'm only eleven years old." When you were a sixth-year, you thought that you could put them off, "For one more year." And then suddenly you were out of the Hogwarts world, into the real world, where there were things worse than House Points being taken away and divisions bigger than the Quidditch teams.
And you screwed it all up.
For a while. You, past me, became present me. There's no real distinct boundary between us. So who are you, really? Are you the sixteen-year-old me who didn't want to hurt Katie Bell off the Quidditch pitch? Are you the eleven-year-old me who just wanted to be better than the other first years?
I don't know which me I'm addressing. But I know who I am now. I know what happened.
I changed sides. I became an Auror. I got married and I had a son who I hope doesn't screw up the same way I did. I see him with the Potter kids, the Weasley kids - they don't know anything worse than a loss of House Points or any bigger divisions than the Quidditch teams. And I'm happy for them. They will never know war. I hope.
This isn't one of those "it does get better" letters. This is a "you have to make it better" letter. You cannot receive this, because I don't have a Time Turner and that would be dangerous, but this is to clear my head, past me. Not yours. There is nothing that could be done for you now.
There's other advice I wish I could give you about smaller things. Study for that Charms quiz. Break up with Pansy. Don't fly over that forest - you know the one. But those are shallow, minor things, and I know that at one time they were important to you. To me. But let me tell you that they don't.
Things will turn out how they will not "no matter what", but according to how you change them. And what side did you want to be on? Did you want to be destroying or creating? At one time, I would have said destroying. You would have said destroying. And now I'm saying creating, creating because even though it's harder to rebuild, it is better for everyone in the long run.
You weren't thinking of everyone, were you? You were thinking of you? Of the pure bloods, of the Slytherins, of the Malfoys?
Well, let me tell you: everyone else exists too, and they become pretty damn important.
Some people think I'm still a self-centered prat. And they're right. The difference is that I don't deny it. I can try to change, whereas before I didn't know any better and I didn't know to try and grow out of it.
Now I know. I wish I could tell you - people grow up. People change. And while the phrase might be "grow apart", I think that people grow together. You can't do it alone, and I didn't know that for so, so long - you didn't know it. I'm telling you now.
Talk to those other people. Make those friends, not enemies. Past me, learn to listen to someone other than yourself, I beg of you. Maybe if you had, I'd be able to sleep at night.
Speaking of which, I should be going. I'll probably tear up this letter in a minute. But, I want you to remember it. For the love of everything good, try to remember.
All my love forever,
Draco Malfoy