AN: Okay, first: I don't even know why this happened. I was watching "Daleks Take Manhattan" with my parents and they all started screaming "PROTECT THE HYBRID!" and I just started laughing and thought of this. I wrote it in about an hour, and it just... happened. Second: I should have been writing chapter 25 of my 30-Day OTP challenge, but this stupid thing distracted me. Third: This is the most AU story I have ever written. And lastly, four: This is my first attempt at a crack!fic, and I hope you enjoy.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my own insanity.
"ROSE, I really don't think this is a good idea."
"But, Doctor, you promised me a date night. And you said I could pick the babysitters, and I think these guys would be the best."
The Doctor looked in concern at the four "babysitters" that surrounded himself, his wife, and their son. Namely, Jast, Caan, Sec, and Thay. The Cult of Skaro. But, you see, after being sucked into the Void and floating about there for a time, they'd gone a bit insane, and all of the Time-Lord-hating fury was gone from them. They hadn't exterminated anything or anyone since they came back, and they were even trying to be good citizens. They'd started volunteering, helping little old ladies cross the street, and were now trying their hand- erm, plunger thingies- at babysitting. The Doctor still wasn't convinced that they were alright, and the last thing he wanted to do was trust them with his human/Time Lord hybrid son.
"WE. WILL. PROTECT. THE. CHILD," Dalek Thay reassured him. "WE. WILL. HAVE. HIM. IN. BED. BY. 8:30. THE. CHILD. SHALL. BE. CONTENT."
"THE. CHILD. SHALL. BE. CONTENT!" the other Daleks chorused in agreement.
"Oh, God this cannot be happening. Alright, but if anything goes wrong- and I do mean anything- you call myself or Rose immediately, got that?"
"WE. HAVE. YOUR. CONTACT. INFORMATION," Dalek Sec said in his equivalent of a comforting tone. "WE. SHALL. PRO. TECT. THE. HYBRID. AT. ALL. COSTS." To prove this, he wheeled over to Rose, who deposited the baby in his cradle-shaped arm extension. "LUL. A. BY. AND. GOOD. NIGHT," it began to sing- or, as close as he could get. "IN. THE. SKIES. STARS. ARE. BRIGHT."
The Doctor began to shake his head in disbelief, half-certain that he had finally lost his mind. Rose just nudged him a bit as though saying "See? I told you this would work."
"Weeeell," he drawled, looking a bit uncomfortable and more than a little ill. "I… guess it could work." He looked down to see Rose's brilliant and reassuring smile, and he was put a bit more at ease. "But we'll be home at 9:30, and if anything happens to Alonzo-"
"WE. ARE. AWARE. THAT. YOU. WILL. MAKE. US. WISH. WE. WERE. NEVER. RES. CUED. FROM. THE. VOID," Dalek Caan completed for him, already going to work on heating a bottle for the half-Time Tot.
"Thank you boys for doin' this for us," Rose said, much kinder and softer tone than her still prejudiced husband. "I'm sorry about him, by the way," she stage-whispered. "He's just overprotective."
"IT'S. AL. RIGHT, MISS. ROSE. WE. UN. DER. STAND."
"Well, if that's it," Rose said, holding her arm out for the Doctor. He looped his arm through hers and they both placed a kiss to their baby's forehead before walking to the door. "Have fun, you guys. See you when we get back."
"GOOD. BYE. MR. AND. MRS. DOC. TOR!" the Daleks chorused, waving their laser arms gleefully.
Alonzo, still in the arms of Sec, began to coo in his baby-like way, and Sec began to oscillate his central panel to rock him soothingly. Dalek Caan came with the bottle and began to feed him, and Al's chubby hands gripped at the Dalek's metal suit with wonder and joy on his face.
"AW. THE. CHILD. IS. MOST. ADORABLE." Dalek Jast said from the side. "I. WISH. TO. HOLD. THE. HYBRID. NEXT."
"OF. COURSE," Dalek Sec replied. "I. WOULD. BE. HAPPY. TO. OBLIGE. OBLIGE! OBLIIIGE!" And with that he tenderly transferred Alonzo to the arm of Dalek Jast, and the next hour or so passed in much the same way, with the Daleks passing the baby between themselves and cooing over him. After feeding him, one of the Daleks delicately patted him on the back to burp him, and with the soft burp that came from him the Daleks collectively exclaimed "AWWW!" It was time for a lie-down after that, and all of the Daleks traveled together to take him to his Gallifreyan-style nursery. They made sure that he had no residual gas built up, and changed his diaper for good measure. They laid him to sleep and sang "Brahm's Lullaby" in a strange and slightly terrifying chorus, softly rocking the TARDIS blue cradle until the half-human Time Tot was asleep.
MEANWHILE, in a restaurant in central London, the Doctor was a nervous wreck. He was constantly checking his watch, the wall clock, his mobile, or Rose's. He was bouncing his leg to try to rid himself of the excess anxious energy, but it only made it worse. Rose kept trying to remind him that this was their night, and the Daleks were fine, and Alonzo was perfectly safe, but he only half-listened. "But, Rose, what if it's all a ploy? What if they're trying to get to me by hurting him? What if they're still all… evil and stuff?" He suddenly gasped and his eyes widened as he considered another equally terrifying idea. "What if they want to make him a human/Time Lord/Dalek?! Like back in 1930 Brooklyn? What if they want to make him the first of a bunch of new hybrid assassins? We need to get home!" He tried to jump up, wanting to get home immediately and thwart whatever evil scheme the Daleks had concocted, but was stopped by Rose's hand on his shoulder, pulling him back into his chair.
"Doctor, I love you. You know I do. But you are being a bloody neurotic twit, and I'm not gonna indulge ya. For the last time: the Daleks are fine. Alonzo is perfectly safe, and nothin' bad is gonna happen to him. Not now, not ever. Now, can we please enjoy the rest of our evenin' in peace?" Her pleading look calmed him down considerably, and he begrudgingly murmured an "Okay." This only caused Rose to smile at him brilliantly, and they were both entirely content.
After their dinner (which most definitely included chips), they walked down the block a little ways to the cinema, where they decided to watch a science fiction rom-com, deciding that it would be a great combo for them. They started walking home at 9:13, and by the time they reached the TARDIS once again it was 9:30 on the dot. The Doctor took a deep breath before opening the doors, and was absolutely shocked by what he saw: the Daleks surrounded Alonzo, who was sitting on the floor and clapping his hands joyously.
"WHERE. IS. THE. IN. FAAANT?" Dalek Jast asked, his "arms" bent to slightly cover his eye stalk. He repositioned his arms to once again stick out of his central panel and exclaimed, "THERE. HE. IIIS!" This caused all of the Daleks to ooh and aah, feigning delight and surprise at "finding" the Dalek. Alonzo cheerfully squealed, reaching out to hold the nearest Dalek, who gently patted him on the head with his plunger-like arm.
"Oh. My. Lord. Rassilon," the Doctor said, trying to take in the sight before him. Rose giggled at his side, happily running over to her baby.
"See, Doctor? I told you everythin' would be fine." The Doctor stumbled in after her, running his hand over his son's hair and placing a soft kiss there.
"Yeah," he mumbled, still in disbelief. "I guess you did." He turned to the Daleks with a happy, if shocked, expression. "Well done, gentlemen. You all did a remarkable job taking care of Alonzo. Thank you. Thank you very much, indeed." He patted Caan his equivalent of a back and all of the Daleks lined up to say goodnight to Alonzo before waving goodbye and exiting the TARDIS, going back to the Torchwood hub where Jack had a room for them. They engaged their perception filters before going, though. No need to cause a panic now, not while Christmas was just a few months away.
"Am I good or what? I picked up the perfect babysitters." Rose came up next to him with a dozing Alonzo in her arms and a smirk on her face. The Doctor leaned down to kiss said smirk before nodding and leading them back to their baby's nursery.
"Alright, I'll admit it. You are good. But, then, I only take the best." She bumped his shoulder with hers as they arrived at the nursery. They had taken a while to design it, but finally decided on bunt orange walls with two lights on the ceiling shining like Gallifrey's twin suns. The carpet was a deep red, much like the Doctor's home planet's meadows and fields. Part of a Gallifreyan landscape was painted on the lower half of the walls, creating a horizon line about a meter up the walls. The furniture was all dark wood, except for the cradle, which was painted as blue as their home. They laid him down there and turned down the lights, leaving only the gentle glow of the TARDIS. They made their way back to their room, laughing and joking about their new babysitters. It might have taken hundreds of years, a few battles, and a mild case of insanity, but a group of Daleks had finally become friends with a Time Lord.
AN: I have a grand total of zero regrets.