Disclaimer: I wished it upon every shooting star I can find and spent all my coins in wishing wells and fountains and got myself broke, but to no avail. And thus, I still do not own Saiyuki. That would forever be wishful thinking. So please don't sue me... Saiyuki belongs to the one and only Minekura Kazuya. But I could still be a fan and write fanfictions about it. Some consolation, huh?
Note: My first fanfic ever. Nostalgia to the Nth level.
Waking
By xrhayne (published under Kage Kurokawa)
"Why?" I asked.
"Why?"
Again.
One more time.
And again. Over and over until my throat ran dry. Until I get tired to go on. Once again, it has become a mantra of mine, asking 'Why'. I never get any answers though, as usual. Except maybe for 'just because', which doesn't really make any damn sense.
Shimatta. I hate being weak. I vowed to myself never again. I'll be strong. I don't need anyone to protect...
I don't need anyone. Period.
But I'm a sucker for pain.
Pathetic. That's me.
I've never given a damn about anything around me since... never mind. Except that one time I was pissed off, when a very annoying ape nearly screamed my ears out. Other than that, I don't recall...
Then you just had to come along, damn you. You had to be dragged into this by that hag. You offered your services. And you offered friendship. And then some...
K'so. Before I knew it, you've wormed your way in. Burrowed comfortably inside that part of me that's long been dead. You were quiet in your ways, gentle in your actions. Steady with that goofy mask of yours...
I sure as hell did not want this. You were not part of my plans at all. And yet here you are. And here I am. Going through this every single day for some time now. Thinking about this situation over and over again, running it in circles inside my head until I get exhausted. What is it about you? That grace? That strength? That ridiculous fake smile? That sorry twisted sense of humour? The good food you cook? Is it the comfortable silence that hangs between us at times...
Or maybe it's your reckless stupidity...
I don't need anyone. I never needed anyone... not even that irritating chimp following me around like a shadow. The heavens are taunting me. The old hag must have finally gained a semblance of a brain to think of a suitable way of punishing me for being a corrupt monk when she tossed you my way.
I don't need you friendship. I don't need your smiles. I don't need anything from you. I refuse to need you. Do you hear me? I'm perfectly fine with the way I am. I'm a cold-hearted bastard, and I wish to stay this way thank you very much. Yet somehow, my I cannot seem to convince this really stupid brain anymore. I tried to fight it, forget about it, anything to get rid of it. Nothing works. 'It's a losing battle', my subconscious tells me. What the hell does it know? I never admit defeat. This is not a hopeless case...
I am not a hopeless case...
'Yes, keep telling yourself that.'
'Shut up you!'
Ch'. What the hell have you done to me? Now I'm here, arguing with the air. Muttering incoherent words and curses no one can hear and forgetting my half-smoked cigarette.
You just had to be stupid, didn't you? You just had to find a way to make me grudgingly admit to myself that I actually gave a damn about your miserable existence. Perhaps more than I should. You just had to be so damn fatalistic. And I want to punch the daylights out of you. I only I could. Believe me I'm having a very trying time in restraining myself.
Hm.
It's raining.
K'so.
Even the weather seems to mock me. Revelling in my misery. That is just great.
The two bakas are out there I guess. I couldn't care less. As long as they don't make the mistake of entering this room, or else I'd really kill them. I've wasted several bullets on the monkey when he tried to bother me. I think he finally gave up because he'd rather prolong his existence. But shooting at the wall or at moving targets did not make me feel better. I should have though. But then I guess I really want to shoot you.
"Why, damn it?"
"Why?"
When I asked, you just smiled at me. I wanted nothing more than to shoot that smile off your face...
How can you leave me hanging like that? You gradually and silently break down my walls and then do this? I'm actually starting to hate you here, you know...
You're proving to be more trouble than you're worth.
I'm going out of this room...
Hm. No one's here. They're probably off to get dinner. Good.
I have to know why, damn you!
Kisama.
It's been a month now. I refuse to leave things unsettled. Got that? I refuse to let this go. I'm tired of waiting already.
Looking at you now, looking so peaceful and... grudgingly beautiful. So pale...so like death.
Baka.
Wake up already, damn you. Otherwise, I won't forgive you.
I swear, if you don't open your eyes soon or do something stupid like die on me-I'm so gonna kill you.
So don't you dare, you hear? You still owe me answers...
A/N: looking back now… it angsty… and sappy and most probably un-sanzo like but hey… I was young idealistic, hopeless romantic. LOL
Reviews are much appreciated.
Note: As listed in my profile, I am currently organizing, retouching, reposting, and updating all my fanfics from my ex pen names: Kage-kurokawa and 83rd twilight under xrhayne. As well as posting my new fics under this new and final pen name.
Thanks