April 24, 2007
Dear Theo,
You know, when you, or should I say Mac, broke up with me yesterday, I was two things.
#1, I was relieved. I know that sounds awful. But I was. Not only because we haven't known each other for that long, but also because I am only 17 years old with ring on my finger and a tattoo on my back. I really wish I hadn't done that, by the way.
Before you get the idea that I don't like you at all, let me tell you that I really do have feelings for you as a dear friend. So, I think I need to share the whole truth with you. Beginning with Martin Brewer. We have a strange relationship, to say the least and when I met you, I was defiantly on the rebound. I needed someone to help me prove Martin that I was lovable and special and that there was a guy out there who was taking his place.
Let me say this for certain: that was horrible of me and stupid. It hurt 2 people, you and me. I figured that out when Jane entered Martin's picture. He still loves me like a sister and I love him.
But whatever, it is his loss, haha.
I know that you (Mac) broke up with me, so really I don't owe you an explanation, but I feel badly about the way I was treating you.
The other emotion I felt was guilt. What is Dad made you leave? What about all this stuff we said and did? We couldn't just forget about it all! Why did I take advantage of a great guy like Theo?
My brain hurt with all those emotions and questions. But then I decided one little thing. I still want to be your friend, #1, and #2, if my parents took in the guy who tried to seduce my big sister; I think they would let you stick around.
I didn't handle our relationship maturely and I am not proud at all at my behavior. I would like to blame Martin for abandoning me, but that wouldn't be fair. I think deep down inside, I wanted a reason to rebel. I was sick and tired of being the mature, sensible, little snoop that I have been for years. I wanted that bad girl side. I don't know what was wrong with me. It was really stupid. That tattoo…gah!
I was selfish, stubborn, over-bearing, crazy, and emotional. I feel like I am describing Lucy. I always thought my love life would be so much simpler than Mary and Lucy's. That isn't the way things are turning out. I really need to slow down for a bit and realize that things aren't always in my hands. I need to, as my dad would say, "let go and let God."
I really do love you. Just maybe we should have waited a bit before getting so serious about each other. I really think that you could turn out to be one of those friends that last a lifetime and you never forget.
Did I say I was sorry yet? If I didn't, I am. If I did, well, I just said it again. Thank you for all you have done for me and thank you for teaching me about how short life is. I really did need to come home from Scotland to be with my dad, as much as we all now know he is going to be fine.
Much Love,
Ruthie Elisabeth Camden