Boys and Their Diaries
What would you do, if the person you loved the most killed themselves? And they didn't even know that you loved them; how important they were to you, how you would have done everything for them, how you couldn't get them of their mind, how your heart skipped a beat when you saw them, how you woke up thinking of them and how you went to bed still thinking of them, how you would have gladly given up your life just so that they could be happy, how you would go to the end of the world for them?
This was something Kakashi Hatake had been facing for the past 4 years. You see, it has now been 4 years since Naruto Uzumaki killed himself. He tried killing himself three times, actually. The first time he tried to cut himself and bleed to death, but he failed; Sakura found him in time and rushed to the hospital with him. He recovered and Tsunade put him on some anti-depression pills.
The second time the blond tried overdosing on sleeping pills but, again, they found him in time and he was rushed to the hospital. They pumped his stomach clean and kept him in the hospital for a few months. The Hokage gave him some stronger pills and Kakashi volunteered to watch him.
Third time's the charm. And this time he succeeded. Kakashi went to report on Naruto's condition to the Hokage, which seemed better, and the blond saw the perfect opportunity to end it once and for all. He took a chair and a rope and hung himself. When Kakashi came home he almost died himself from a panic attack. He rushed over to Naruto and tried waking him up. "Naruto-kun, please wake up! Please! I'm begging you!" he was crying. "Naruto-kun! Please! Don't leave us! Don't leave me! Naruto!"
But it didn't work; the once happy teenager was long gone.
He rushed the boy into the hospital but the medical team couldn't do anything. Kakashi's world fell apart. Who was he going to come home to? Who was going to make him smile just by looking at him? Who was going to cheer him even on his darkest days? But I guess these questions weren't really the right ones, seeing as the cheerful and energetic blond was long gone, even before he ended his life.
Kakashi was lying on Naruto's old bed in the blonde's apartment; he started living in there right after the blond was gone. To be surrounded by the boy's things was like having the boy right next to him. Tsunade actually tried to stop him from doing so, she knew how someone could get depressed if they were surrounded by things of a dead person. But Kakashi, being the stubborn old man he is, didn't listen to her and insisted on living there. In the end, she gave in and let him stay there.
He was reading Naruto's secret diary; he himself had no idea that the blond even had a diary, or that he even knew how to write one. He stumbled upon it one day while going through his things. He didn't want to intrude but it was one of the last few things that kept him connected with the boy's mind. And besides, Naruto wouldn't mind if his favorite sensei went through his things now.
April 12th
Dear diary,
Today was a really horrible day. A bunch of the villagers kept making fun out of me and kept calling me bad names… They even told me to go kills myself! And I don't even know why…
This appeared to be from the times before Naruto joined Team 7.
Why do all these people hate me so much? What did I ever do to them? Is it because of my pranks? But they even hated me before I started with them... And some of them even kicked me and spit on my face and hair. They kept calling me 'monster' and kicking me. I pretended to be unconscious to get away from them. I can't wait to become a shinobi and show them that how strong I really am! One day I will become the Hokage and then they will see as more than just an annoyance.
"An annoyance? He thought he was an annoyance" Kakashi thought, barely holding himself from crying. He kept reading.
April 27th,
Dear diary,
I accidentally bumped into someone and made them drop their stupid ice cream cone. The man kept yelling at me and even hit me on the face. I said I was sorry for at least a million times but nothing helped. I just gave him some money and then quickly ran home. It was just ice cream… jeez…
Kakashi then mostly just quickly read a few pages and kept turning the pages. He stopped once he saw something interesting and it was apparently from the time he was on journey with Jiraiya.
July 19th
Dear diary,
Jiraiya-sensei is such a perv. He keeps spying on women all the time and whenever I call him out he says it's for his books… Yeah, right. Anyway, to be honest, I miss the village. Well the village, not the villagers; mostly Sakura-chan, Baa-chan, Iruka-sensi and Kakashi-sensei. Kakashi-sensei probably the most, yeah.
"Wh-What?" the reading man thought.
I just loved how he was always this cool and mysterious guy. And this may sound weird but I think I really like him… a lot. Thank Kami nobody else is ever going to read this. I probably couldn't live with the fact that Kakashi-sensei knows how much I like him. He would probably make my life a living hell. Oh well…
It was clear that when Naruto got out of the village his attitude became much brighter. The Jounin remember to kick himself for not noticing Naruto's problems earlier. He skipped a few pages, only eyeing them shortly. He stopped at page 72 which was about him again, and it was shortly before the first suicide attempt.
February 26th
Dear diary,
I don't know how much more I can take all of this… I mean, I stopped getting death threats from the villagers, I just mostly get glares now, but all I can think of is Kakashi… I want to tell him how I feel but I know he would never feel the same way… I just I'll have to keep living with another stupid secret.
"What? He… How exactly did he feel? Why didn't you tell me?! Damn it, Naruto!" Kakashi shouted at the diary in front of him as if the now dead Naruto could hear him. Tears stated building up in his eyes but he whipped them away and kept reading.
March 3rd,
Dear diary,
I will seriously kill myself… I had a fight with Kakashi-sensei today. It was so stupid of me! He wanted to help me with my training and me, being the stubborn idiot I am, had to deny his help. He kept insisting and I ended up snapping and started yelling at him and saying really bad things… I didn't want to… I really didn't want to say all of that… I was just so angry at everything and everyone, I couldn't take it anymore… And now I yelled at the most important person in my life… I don't even see why I should be here anymore…
This was from the day of Naruto's first suicide attempt. A sick feeling was created in Kakashi's stomach; it felt like someone grabbed his insides and slowly twisted them. "He did it because of that stupid fight?" he thought.
"He probably thought you hate him and that you never want to see him again" a voice in the back of Kakashi's head said.
When in reality, it was far from the truth; Kakashi didn't hate Naruto. He still thought of him the same, nothing changed. So they had a fight, big deal. Kakashi was a big boy; he could take it.
March 15th,
I am currently lying in bed at the hospital because Tsunade won't let me go home. At least not until tomorrow… And she gave some stupid pills that I have to take every day… Stupid Sakura, that pink bitch had to ruin everything… I could have been dead by now but no, she had to butt in with her huge ass forehead… Whatever…
Even though it was sad and depressing, reading how Naruto was bashing Sakura did slightly make Kakashi chuckle. But still… Naruto wanted to actually die! He felt so useless and unloved that he actually wanted to die…
March 19th,
I'm still eating those pills. I guess they aren't actually that bad, I mean, I don't get as sad as I used to. Anyway, today was a good day, I guess. I went to get some ramen with Kakashi-kun!
"Ka-Kakashi-kun?"
It was really great. But I kept getting these weird looks from some people in the village. They probably all knew of my suicide attempt from a while ago. I'm not really surprised, though. But I try not to care… even though it gets hard sometimes. I still don't really feel accepted by them, and I probably won't ever be.
April 2nd,
So much for 'me getting better'. Today was, like most days, completely crappy. I wanted to spend some time with Kakashi but he was totally grumpy and annoyed with me. Not surprised, though. I'm worthless. I'm crap. I'm a total failure. Why did I even bother talking to him? Of course he thinks of me as an idiot. I was always a dead last, I couldn't get Sasuke back, I have a demon inside of me… Why did I have to be born? I should probably go to sleep, forever.
"Wait, April 2nd? The next morning he… he…" Kakashi couldn't even finish that sentence mentally. It brought up so many painful memories.
The next morning Naruto took a fistful of sleeping pills and went to bed. He was hoping that he could go away peacefully, but life had other things in store for him.
Iruka and Sakura were bringing breakfast over to Naruto's house. They knocked on his bedroom door, it was still early, and waited for a reply. They tried 2 more times and when they didn't hear anything they got a little worried.
Sakura tried to open the door but it was locked. "Naruto!" she screamed. Nothing. She focused her chakra in her first and demolished the door with one hit. Iruka and the pink haired kunoichi were in total shock when they saw the blond lying on the bed and an empty sleeping pill bottle on the nightstand.
"Naruto!" shouted Iruka and dropped breakfast they brought him. The two of them rushed towards the blond.
Sakura started shaking him and trying to wake him up but he wasn't responding. Tears were building up in her eyes as she continued to scream his name.
"Sakura, we need to get him into the hospital!" said Iruka as he put a hand on her shoulder.
The kunoichi nodded and moved away from the blond. Iruka picked him up and quickly made his way over to the hospital.
They quickly pumped his stomach and hooked him up to some machines that the blond had no idea what they were supposed to do. He got fine eventually, but not mentally. Tsunade made him stay in the hospital for about 3 months and made sure someone checked on him regularly.
After those 3 months, she released Naruto but made Kakashi live with him. She knew that her little brother needed constant watch, and she would have done it herself, but her busy schedule as Hokage didn't let her. She would have assigned Sakura but she knew that the girl was feeling too guilty about not being more around him. Iruka had to teach at school, Yamato was needed on missions. So that only left Kakashi. That, and she also wanted Kakashi to look after him. She knew the man cared deeply about the blond, more than a teacher should feel for his student, or ex-student.
July 29th,
Tsunade has made me live with Kakashi, because apparently I need someone to watch over me. Why can't they just leave me alone? Why can't they just leave me to die?
As Kakashi was reading this, he noticed dry tear stains. "He was crying when writing this…", another tear stain was made, but this time by Kakashi.
They all think they know what's good for me. They pretend to care. I'm so fucking tired of all these dumbasses here. They have no idea how I'm truly feeling. He has no idea how I'm truly feeling. I just want to have him for myself; I want to be the reason he smiles; I want to cuddle with him at nights until we fall asleep; I want him to come home and be greeted by a meal that I cooked; I want to kiss him; I want to touch him; I want him to want me.
"Fucking hell!" started shouting Kakashi with hot tears flowing down his cheeks. "Fuck you, Naruto! Fuck you! You have no idea how much I loved you! You should have just fucking told me! I still goddamn love you and I will never stop!" he was now sobbing hard, curled in a fetal position on the floor. He was gasping for air every few seconds, due to his massive crying.
August 3rd,
He just went out to get some groceries quickly and I went to bed, pretending to be asleep. This is it. I am going. I need to go!
Kakashi, if you ever read this; I love you. You probably figured that out if you read the previous entries, but I just have to say it again; I fucking love you. I can't stand being without you, but at the same time, it hurts me so much when we're together. I know you will never love like I want to, and I'm not sure if I can take it. I'm sorry, but I'm just so tired. So tired… So… tired. I can't keep doing this. I am sorry, my love.
I love you.
20 minutes later, Kakashi thought he would go mental. He opened the door of Naruto's apartment and let all of the groceries fall to the floor. Tears started flowing down his cheeks and he started running towards the young boy. "Motherfucker! Naruto! Naruto, no! No! No! No!" he shouted on the top of his lungs so that probably the whole neighborhood heard him. "Why the hell did you do it?!"
He untied the boy from the rope and pulled him into a strong hug. He was crying into his hair and swinging back and forth. "Naruto-kun, please wake up! Please! I'm begging you!" he was crying. "Naruto-kun! Please! Don't leave us! Don't leave me! Naruto!"
So I started writing this oneshot when I was in a really bad mood, everything in my life was just basically going wrong. I really liked it and I finally managed to finish it. I thought it would be more, but I'm still happy with it. And I hope you guys like it as well!
Also, I hope it's not too confusing; the changes between the events that happened 4 years ago, and that are happening in the present (basically when Kakashi is reading the diary).
Don't forget to leave a review! From all the reviewers, I will pick 3 and they can each request 1 KakaNaru fanfic for me to write, that will be dedicated to them! I will look at the 3 ideas and pick one and write it! It can a oneshot or one with more chapters!
With love, Electra