Title: Losing Grip

Ship: CrissColfer RPF (Darren/Criss)

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 1000~1100

Summary: I couldn't forget this night. I'm sorry for walking away. I'm a coward, but it's what I'm best at.

A/N: My fourth english fic. This is not beta-ed, so PM me when there are some heavy mistakes in it. English is btw not my mothertongue :)

"Stop saying you're sorry. You want to know something? I knew. I knew you didn't feel that way about me.
I knew and I still let it happen because, well. I figured that one night with you was better than never.
So will you stop saying you're sorry. Because you didn't know better, but I did."
– from Grey's Anatomy

He should've never agreed to it. Really. It' was his own fault. Chris sighed. Why exactly had he agreed to go to this bar with the New Direction and the Warbler casts? Ah, he remembered. Marks puppy eyes whom he couldn't resist even if he tried and their combined pleading.

It sounded innocent first. They just wanted to celebrate the end of the Glee Live Tour in a bar here in Los Angeles. He had just one Longdrink, but the rest of the cast was beyond good and evil. They were plain drunk.

Maybe this is why he was kissed by Jon Hall or why Heather wanted to make out with him. But that is not the reason why he's freaking out. Last night he made the biggest mistake of his life. Darren Criss was a stupid drunken man. A stupid, touchy-feely, sloppy drunken man.
Darren Criss kissed him. Not in an innocent-like-in-the-Glee-episode-way, but in a oh-yeah-just-like-this-way.

And even though he himself wasn't drunk .. he agreed to sleep with Darren. He knew better, but if this one night was his only chance to act on his feelings toward his absolutely straight co-star, than that would be it. One night and then never again. This was his plan.

Darren seemed perfect for him. The way their bodies suited together and how they moved together like they found their missing puzzle piece (and yes, he quoted just Teenage Dream).

However his brain didn't want to realize that it was a one night only thing. His feelings had deepened.

"Chris? Are you there?"

Oh great. Darren was awake. This would probably the most awkward moment … ever.

"In the k-kitchen, Dare." His voice sounded a little shaky.

Darren walked into his kitchen and Chris' grip became harder, because his knees seemed to give in every moment.

"Shit, Chris. I'm sorry, I-I .. I never wanted the evening to end like this. You know, I'm straight, and I love you, man, but I-I .. shit.", Darren stuttered and his face had the colour of a tomato.

"Shut up. Just- shut up!", he was surprised by how stable his voice sounded.

"I knew it better, Darren. You didn't, but I did. I'm the one at fault. And I'm going now. See you on set. This never happened."

Chris was gone, before Darren even said a word. Chris left a speechless and guilty feeling Darren behind, but he couldn't look back.

The night with Darren was exactly two weeks ago and Chris hadn't spoken to anyone in this time. His phone was shut off, his landline was pulled out and his laptop was tight shut.

He knew they probably worried about him, but he couldn't bring himself to care. All he knew was that the night with Darren wouldn't get out of his thoughts.
His feelings for his straight co-star weren't fading away, on the contrary they were just getting stronger. Chris couldn't take anymore.

The next day he drove to the set and went to the office of Ryan Murphy. Hesitantly he knocked three times and got a 'Come in!' yell from inside the office.

He opened the door and his chef looked expectably in his direction. "Ah, hey Chris! Come take a seat. What can I do for you?"

Chris sighed. There was no going back now. He made his mind up. „I want to quit Glee. I don't want to shoot season 3."
After that there was a heavy silence. Ryan gulped loudly and just looked at Chris. „It's .. it's okay, I guess. But why, Chris, why?", he asked.

Chris looked out of the window. „I'm sorry, Ryan. I didn't want to disappoint you, but I made a huge mistake and I have to fix it. I.. I just can't stand it anymore right now.. I'm sorry."

Ryan sighed and turned to his work desk. „I will have your resignation ready by next week's tuesday. I wish you all the best for the future and you can always come to me if you need help or work."
Chris nodded and smiled, just a bit and not for long. This was the right decision. He couldn't stand Darren. He couldn't stand the rest of the casts. He needed a break and now he had one.

Few weeks later, one week before the start of filming for season 3, the cast met up for getting their script. Everyone minus Chris had gathered on set and they were happy about seeing each other again after those weeks apart. They joked and laughed and had fun.

Shortily after it Ryan arrived and looked around.

"Hey guys and girls! I see, we are complete.", he tried to smile but failed it.
Darren looked around. „Where is Chris? Did he overslept? Or has he his script already?"

Ryan's expression turned into saddish. Darren felt a pang of guilt in his chest. Something was terrible wrong and felt off.

"Chris cancelled. There will be no Kurt Hummel in season 3, I'm truly sorry. He didn't gave me all the reasons. It's hard and the show will take a absolutely different route, of course, but I respect his decision." Ryan gulped and remembered something.

„This is for you Darren. This is a short note from him."
Ryan handed him a neat little paper with his name on it. He folded it open and read it.

He shed tears after he finished reading. It was his fault that Chris were gone.
There, on this little paper, were just a few words.

I couldn't forget this night. I'm sorry for walking away.
I'm a coward, but it's what I'm best at. I wish you all a good third season.

It doesn't matter what I'll say
It doesn't matter what I'll do
Can't make it right, even though I want, to
- Walk away by Aloha from Hell