A/N: Aw guys I'm so sorry it's been so long. I just started my first year in college and everything has been all over the place. Still, I eventually got around to watching the season 4 premier and I don't know...I had all these sad Puckleberry feels and just wrote this on the train back up to Dublin. So, you are forewarned this is a lot more angsty and sad than my usual stuff but it's kind of where I'm at with writing Puckleberry fanfic these days. I find that if I want to write anything nice and fun to read then I have to completely detach myself from the actual show, which I find quite difficult. However I figured since it was written, why not put it up? I hope it doesn't bum you all out or anything. Let me know if you liked it! Or...you know, if you hated it. I can take constructive criticism, actually I welcome it!
Puck pulled the hood of his sweatshirt over his head in one swift move and continued stomping towards the middle of the bridge. The headlights from his truck gave him enough light to see what he needed to but cast eerie shadows that stretched from the woods on either side of the Ottawa river across the bridge and over the rushing water below. Puck stopped and glared at the railing that ran along either side of the bridge. He shifted the bolt cutter in his right hand and grimaced.
He was so fucking…fuck- he didn't even know what he was…he knew he wasn't supposed to feel any fucking thing…but his stomach felt like it was boiling and his mouth tasted like acid and he really wanted to punch something. Someone. Fuck Finn. He was so fucking sick of being supportive and trying to get back to being bros, when really all he wanted to do was rip the guy's head off half the time. The other half of the time he wanted to rip his own head off.
He shook his head and pumped his arms, trying to relax and loosen up. He squared his shoulders and stepped close to the railings. He reached out and grabbed the old rusty padlock that was attached to the mesh of wires that made up the protective barriers on both sides of the bridge. Small flakes of copper coloured rust fell from the lock as Puck traced some lettering with his fingers. He felt his insides warm for a second and he almost smiled. Then the image of Rachel wearing Finns engagement ring flared up in his mind and he swallowed back the acrid taste in his mouth and moved the bolt cutters over the padlock. This was it. He was gonna do it and there was not a fucking thing in this whole god damned world that could stop him.
"Please, please, please Noah? I promise you'll like it!" Little ten year old Rachel Berry stood with her hands together in a begging motion, her brown eyes wide and pleading as she pouted at a young boy who was straddling a BMX.
The young boy eyed Rachel up and down, from her little shiny red shoes up to the red bow in her hair. He frowned before sighing "can I bring my bike?"
She nodded earnestly and soon found herself sitting on the handlebars while Puck pedalled as fast as he could. She was giggling nervously, her small chubby hands grasping the bar beneath her as if it were a life line. Meanwhile Puck was having some difficulty seeing the dirt path he was speeding through the woods along what with all the glossy brown locks of hair whipping around his face.
Puck smiled he liked going fast. It made his heart beat really, really quickly and sometimes if he pedalled hard enough he forgot about how he can hear his Mom crying in her bedroom every night before he falls asleep. Just for a second. Besides, Rachel always made him smile. Except when she made him sing with her at the JCC, but then she'd bake him cookies and everything was okay again. Her hair kinda smelled like cookies and he secretly liked how she called him Noah. He missed her when she went to Italy for a month with her Dads. She had to bake him extra cookies for that. As they came towards the haunted bridge Rachel squealed "stop, stop, stop Noah! This is it!"
Puck grinned and skidded to a stop almost throwing a terrified Rachel off his handlebars. She gracefully hopped off the metal bars leaving small sweaty handprints behind her as she turned her nose upwards. "I'd hoped you'd gotten over me going to Italy Noah…you know I didn't want to leave you!"
He shrugged and looked down at his old, battered sneakers while he propped his bike up against the bridge railings. He couldn't help it. It made him mad when she left for a whole month just because her Dads wanted to look at old houses that nobody even lived in anymore and listen to fat people sing. It was stupid. He hated being alone. He kicked a pebble off the bridge and watched as it fell through thin air before plopping into the water below.
That's when little chubby fingers laced with his and he met Rachel's pleading eyes once more "I missed you too Noah. Please don't be mad."
He smiled at her and nodded. Before he could move Rachel was unlocking the padlock for his bicycle chain.
"Rachel…" Noah began scratching his head and frowning at the little brunette. "What are you doing with my bike lock?"
Rachel beamed up at him as she rooted in the pockets of her polka dotted dress for a sharpie. "It's not a 'bike lock' Noah!" She admonished. She brought the lock close to her face and uncapped the sharpie. With her face all screwed up in concentration and her little pink tongue poking out of her mouth she scribbled something on the lock. Completely ignoring his sounds of protest she grabbed his hand again and dragged him towards the centre of the bridge and closed the padlock shut. Letting it hang from the railing Puck could finally read what Rachel had written in her neat writing. 'R.B + N.P' Puck frowned and glanced at Rachel.
She smiled bouncing on the balls of her feet as she explained "when I was in Italy with Daddies we saw these locks with people's names on them all over the place. When I asked a lady about them she told me that when two people love each other they write their names on a lock. Then they lock it to a bridge and throw the keys into the river underneath it. It's supposed to make their love last forever!" She nodded at the shiny new lock with their initials carefully inked in black sharpie. "I know we're going to be together forever but I just wanted to make sure."
Puck blinked. Forever sounded like an awfully long time… but then again his Dad had never promised not to leave and where was he now? At least this way he had proof that Rachel would never leave him. He looked at her carefully as she blushed prettily. "So…" he started uncertainly "we just throw the keys into the river?" Rachel nodded. "Together?" Rachel smiled his favourite smile. The one she wore when she was singing at the JCC or in one of her competitions or recitals. The one she wore when he scoffed all of the cookies she baked him. It was her happiest smile. She always wore it when he stood up for her against the other boys.
Rachel, still beaming, held out the two keys attached to a small metal ring. "You take one and I'll take the other, that way it'll be like we're both promising." She blushed furiously as she suggested this and Puck couldn't help but smile. He took the keys and separated them, handing one to Rachel.
He held her gaze as they stuck their arms through the railings. "Forever. You promise?"
Rachel's eyes softened even as she hardened her lips into a firm, serious line "promise."
Then they both looked over the railing as both their little fists opened and released the keys to Puck's bike lock. They watched as the twin keys spiralled in the air, the afternoon sun gleaming against the polished silver before there was a quiet splosh in the water below and the keys sunk to the riverbed.
Puck was still staring at the spot in the river below where the keys had disappeared forever when Rachel spun to look at him. Reaching up on her tiptoes she placed a soft kiss against his cheek before skipping back to where he'd propped his bike.
That exact moment, as the scorching blush spread from his neck way up to burn his ears and he reached up to touch his tingling cheek, was the moment that Puck decided he would love Rachel Berry forever.
And as Puck began to squeeze down on the handles of his pliers he realized he couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop loving her. Even when she was promised to one of his oldest friends. It was bullshit and he hated it more than anything in the whole world but it was there and he couldn't stop. Pucks grip on the pliers slackened and he heaved a frustrated sigh before stepping back. The lock dangled in front of him. The faded sharpie lettering seemed to taunt him and all he could do was shake his head and clench his jaw because really? What did he even expect? She was Rachel fucking Berry he'd only loved her for as long as he could remember. And she would never be his. Not really.
His grip tightened on the pliers and he took another step back, about to walk away. When suddenly it all got too much, the anger, the bitter taste of jealousy, he could barely see through the red haze that had shrouded him. He spun back to face the water and roared "fuck!" Before hurtling the pliers off the bridge, he couldn't even see them fall but he heard the splash as it hit the rushing water below. He kicked at the railings, he cursed and shouted until he was hoarse, and he punched at the railings. He didn't stop until he was exhausted, panting, his knuckles skinned and bleeding. Unnoticed tears had left wet tracks down his face and not for the first time on that bridge did he lift his hand to touch his cheek.
He bit his lip and clenched his jaw before a roughly murmured "shit" escaped his lips. He let his head hang down as he slowly made his way back to his truck.
A/N: Waaah- I hate angst writing me! She's so depressing and boo...fingers crossed my muse will perk up a bit! Thanks so much for reading! :D