*Disclaimer*: I do not own any of the character taken from Ally Carter's series. (Cammie, Zach, Macey, Grant, Bex, Liz, or Jonas) Or song lyrics.
Can't Shake You
I still change the station every time they play that song.
There's always that groundbreaking moment. The moment when you find the person you know you're going to spend the rest of your life with. It may be love at first sight, or it may be a friendship that buds into romance or something else entirely. But everyone should have that moment, everyone deserves that.
She couldn't tell you hers and Zach's story in one night, or even a full day— it was too complicated and long to go into every necessary detail.
All she knew is she'd never had that moment.
Zach was never the right guy for her. He was too secretive and cynical, and he had a side of him that she'd never gotten to know. But he was the longest relationship she'd ever had.
Which is why she thought it was so hard to get him out of her head. Every touch, every kiss, every word, from the moment she'd met him. It was impossible to forget, it was like a slideshow playing on repeat.
Can't drive past your house, so I take the long way home.
She hadn't had many relationships before Zach, in fact she had only had one. Josh. And we all know how well that turned out. It just didn't work. She did love him, and she did cry when she was forced to break it off because it would never logistically work.
But then she met Zach, and suddenly memories of Josh packed themselves into a box in the back of her mind, never to be opened again. It wasn't hard getting over Josh, not as hard as everyone says it is to get over your first love. Josh was just a civilian who deserved better than her anyway.
Zach though, Zach was a spy. Her spy. At least for a little bit. He was the boy she met in Washington DC, he was the boy who she infiltrated Blackthorn with, he was the boy who had turned the Academy upside down looking for even a tiny clue to find her.
She knew Zach loved her; people don't do those sorts of things for just anyone. He loved her as much as his heart would let him and she loved him just as much. She would have run to the end of the world for him. She would have done everything he did and more for him. But all good things must come to an end.
He never told her something flat out. She always had to figure it out for herself. He'd give her clues and cryptic bits of information, but other than that she was on her own. When she figured out he would never be truly honest with her she gave up hope of them ever being soul mates. She didn't break up with him though, she loved him too much. She craved his companionship more than anything in the world. She tried to get past it, letting him in completely, trying to balance it out.
After she had graduated and they both had gotten their acceptances to the CIA they started to drift apart. There was no big reason; he never cheated on her or vice versa. They never had any big problem that caused them to go their separate ways. It was just goodbye, and she expected to get on with her own life.
She met someone after Zach, and someone else after that, and even more someone elses after that. But the memories of Zach never packed themselves away, they were always with her, reminding her of the boy who had snuck into Gallagher just to see her.
"Cammie!" Macey called impatiently.
Cammie rolled her eyes. Macey was always impatient. SHe could wait a bit longer. Her thoughts drifted back to Zach.
The need to forget him was driving her so crazy she even went as far as deleting his number and blocking it, if for any reason he did call. And there was the one song that came on the radio that she couldn't stand listening to, she'd have to turn it off or she would start crying.
She thought it was normal for her to feel this way. After all heartbreak was anything but a rarity. But it puzzled her why she could get over Josh but not Zach. Maybe it was because Zach had been her first, in a way Josh hadn't. But then it occurred to her: she and Josh had been together for a few months. She and Zach had been together for a few years. Of course it would take more time to get over him.
"Cammie!"
Still, she was wary of his memories so every time she met a new guy she built walls so high her friends were afraid she would never be able to climb out. But she had to; she didn't want it to happen again. With every guy the walls got a brick higher until she had submerged herself under all the weight and lies. She was still waiting for that moment. Never realizing she'd already had it. She made herself believe that someday she would find the guy that made Zach's memory fade into nothing.
"What?!"
"You're taking too long!"
"Really?" Cammie said, drawing out the word. "You have no room to talk."
She heard Macey grunt impatiently.
"At least let me see," Macey pestered.
Cammie let out a groan and opened her door, allowing Macey to come it.
Your black leather jacket still hanging in my closet,
"You're not even dressed!"
Cammie shrugged. "You wanted to come in."
"Cammie, I know I take a long time but this is ridiculous. You've been in here for hours and all you've done is your make up and half your hair."
"Perfection take time."
"Nobody's perfect," Macey said flatly.
She didn't reply.
"And you're wearing this?" Macey asked, picking up the outfit Cammie had lain out on her bed.
"What's wrong with it?"
"Um, it's completely unflattering and ugly?"
"I like it."
"Whatever," Macey said and she walked to Cammie's closet. She was flipping through her clothes, and then pulled something out.
"Cammie," Macey said testily as Cammie applied eyeliner.
I wish that I could give it away.
"Hmm?"
"What the hell is this?" Macey asked. Cammie looked up and met Macey's eyes in the mirror. Her eyes drifted down to the garment she was holding.
"Oh," Cammie said, distantly surprised. "That."
"Yeah that. Is this what I think it is?"
"I dunno," Cammie said. "What do you think it is?"
"I think it's the jacket that is stained by a woman's blood who took a bullet for me, given to you by a certain ex-boyfriend."
That damn black leather jacket. She knew she should have burned it. But how could she? It was the only solid thing she had left of him she could hold onto. It had never lost the smell that was so unmistakably Zach. She should have at least given it away, because she knew she would never be able to destroy it. It was still hanging in her closet, even after all this time. She would be lying if she said she had forgotten it was there.
"Yeah, it might be what you think it is."
"Might?"
"Yeah. It is."
"Why the hell do you still have it?"
"Zach gave it to me?"
"Cammie!" Macey scolded.
"What?"
"This is Zach's!"
"So?" Cammie asked. Did Macey think she was going to give it back?
"You should have given it away or thrown it in a river or . . . something!"
"Why would I throw it in a river?"
"Because it belongs to an ex!"
"It's an expensive jacket," Cammie protested.
"So why didn't you sell it?"
Cammie drew her eyes away from Macey and the jacket and pretended to focus on her make up.
Macey sighed and lay the jacket on the bed and studied it.
"Have you ever worn it?"
"What?" The question had caught Cammie by surprised.
"Have you ever worn it?"
"Um a few times. . . why?"
Macey put on her thinking face. "Just wondering."
"So," Macey continued. "Have you ever washed it?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"Because it stinks."
"No it doesn't!"
"Yes it does, it smells like BO."
"It does not!"
"Then what does it smell like?"
"Zach," Cammie answered without hesitation.
A wicked smile spread over Macey's face. "I knew it!"
"Knew what?"
"You're not over Zach!"
"What are you talking about?"
"You may be a good liar Cammie Morgan but I'm your best friend and I know."
"You don't know anything."
"I know you're not over Zach."
Cammie didn't reply.
"I knew it. Bex thought I was wrong but me and Liz— we knew." She gave a suggestive eyebrow waggle.
Cammie rolled her eyes.
"Bex!" Macey called. "Get your British but in here!"
"What?" Bex called back, her voice coming closer. "Are you two done yet?"
"Cammie isn't over Zach!" Macey exclaimed, obviously unable to hide her excitement.
"Macey, stop being ridiculous. Cammie, why aren't you dressed?"
She ignored the last part. "Thank you," Cammie said.
Macey pointed to the jacket on the bed.
"Is that what I think it is?"
"The jacket stained by a Abby's blood because she took a bullet for me, given to Cammie by a certain ex-boyfriend? Yes Bex— it is."
"Oh my god," Bex said. "You're not over him."
"Smell it," Macey insisted grabbing it and thrusting it in Bex's face.
Bex's nose scrunched up in disgust. "Ew, what is that?"
"She hasn't washed it because it smells like Zach."
"No wonder you guys broke up, that smell is unbearable."
"Oh, ha ha," Cammie said as Bex and Macey started laughing at Bex's joke. "That was really funny Bex."
"Oh lighten up," Bex said. "Just teasing."
"It makes sense that you're not over him," Macey said. "The boy is very charming. He could charm the pants off a dolphin."
What?
"Uh Mace?" Cammie said uncertainly.
"Yep?"
"Dolphins don't wear pants."
Macey made a face. "Fine then, he could charm the fin off a dolphin."
"That still didn't make sense," Bex pointed out.
"Look! He could fuck a nun, okay? That clear enough for you?!" Macey looked surprised with herself. "Sorry, that was rude."
Cammie just rolled her eyes at her wacky best friend. "She's crazy," she whispered to Bex. She and Bex laughed while Macey glowered at them.
"So this is why you're so weird around guys now," Macey said. "It why you make us lie about your back story and shit!"
"You guys are being ridiculous. I have Zach's old jacket, it was a gift, of course I kept it."
"Did he wrap it up and give it to you for your birthday?"
"No?"
"Christmas?"
"No!"
"Hanukkah?"
"I'm not jewish!"
"Right then it's not a gift," Macey said firmly.
"Like you don't have Preston's old tie," Cammie retaliated trying to get the attention off her.
Macey blushed. "That's different."
"Right," Cammie said. "Because you stole it."
"I did—"
"From his room," Bex added.
"But—"
"While he was sleeping."
"Ugh! I hate you guys."
Bex and Cammie started laughing again.
"Whatever," Macey said. "We aren't talking about me, Miss. I-don't-want-any-attention, you and Zach are different."
"BEX!" Grant's roaring voice came from the other room.
"WHAT?"
"WE NEED TO GO! THEY'RE WAITING!"
"Do you guys have to shout all the time?"
Cammie and Macey didn't notice when Bex went very quiet and didn't answer the question or reply to Grant.
Oh, even though you're gone, somehow you stay.
"Here," Macey said, pulling a dress out from Cammie's closet. "Wear this."
Cammie didn't feel like arguing, she stepped into the dress and had Macey do it up at the back.
It was a flowy white dress with a halter neck that looked more like a shirt then a dress. "You're hair looks pretty," Macey complimented.
"Bex?" Cammie asked suddenly noticing the other girl frozen where she stood. "Are you okay?"
"Oh my god, Cammie I'm so sorry." She said.
"Sorry? For what?" Cammie asked pulling on her black wrap around wedges.
She swallowed hard. "I totally forgot, and I thought you were over him so it wouldn't be a problem. . ."
"What are you talking about?"
"You know how were meeting Grant's old friends tonight?"
"Yeah. . ." Then it clicked in her head. "No! No Bex. No!"
"I forgot and I didn't think you cared but now. . ."
"Wait," Macey said. "What's going on?"
"Zach," Bex said. "Zach's going to be there tonight."
Macey grabbed the jacket. "Perfect time to return it!"
Cammie just glared at her.
He never considered himself to be stupid person. In fact he was sure he was very smart, smarter than most people in most ways. His brain worked differently than others. He could see the big picture from the first line that was drawn. He was always thinking ahead, knowing that would always give him the upper hand.
And every other time when love said goodbye,
Just shake it off, shake it off.
But when Cammie was thrown into the equation he couldn't see the answer anymore. This got fuzzy and all he could concentrate was every moment he got with her. She got in his head in ways she probably didn't even know she was capable of. Cammie was never part of the plan. He never thought he would fall in love. Especially not with the girl his mother was targeting.
After they had broken up and Zach had thought it over he had come to a logical conclusion. More than half their relationship had been filled with the drama from the Circle. After they had been infuriated and taken down Zach had figured out that was when his and Cammie's relationship began to fall apart. Even though it was terrifying for both of them, it was also exciting and it made everything more intense and bright. It was like the Circle was a spotlight on them and once it had been put out Cammie and Zach couldn't see each other anymore. Not in the ways that counted.
But of course, that could have been his pride talking. Because as much as Zach hated to admit it the breakup had hurt him. He hadn't expected it. But the way Cammie had put it, it made it seem like he wasn't being attentive enough. Like he wasn't trying. And she had flat out told him that she had stopped trying, so what was he supposed to do? Tell her he was still madly in love with her? No, Zach wasn't about to embarrass himself like that, not in front of her.
Zach had tried to shake her off after they broke up. He told herself she was never really that important. He tricked himself into believing he didn't need anyone but himself. He could reel girls in by the bucket load. He didn't need just one.
Still, sometimes he caught himself thinking about her, longing for her companionship. He knew deep down he missed her, but he told himself it was nothing.
Pour another drink so I don't feel a thing,
I just shake it off, break it off.
He told himself there were other fish in the sea. He didn't need to go back down a road he already taken.
"Why does this smell like chick?"
Zach turned around from his closet to look and Stryder with a surprised face. "How did you get into my apartment?"
Stryder shrugged. "The extra set of keys you don't remember giving me."
"Because I never gave you any keys."
Stryder was Zach's best friend. They were so alike sometimes Grant was convinced they were the same person. Sometimes it was awesome having someone just like you but sometimes it just got. . . annoying. Like now.
It was only then when Zach noticed the shirt Stryder was holding. It had been hanging over the back of a chair in the corner of his room. It was his, although he hadn't worn it ages. The last person that had worn it was Cammie, it was her favorite shirt to sleep in. Or it had been.
Erased all your numbers, blocked all your calls,
Tried another love and build up new walls,
Told myself it's over, I don't know what else I can do,
"I liked it better when we lived together," Stryder said off handedly. "You weren't as bitchy about your things."
Zach rolled his eyes. "That was years ago."
Stryder seemed to notice the shirt in his hands again and sniffed it.
"Seriously, why does this smell like chick? You have a woman you haven't been telling me about?"
It puzzled Zach how Stryder had never noticed the shirt there before. It was always there, he hadn't moved it since she left it there. Stryder was spy, you would think he noticed.
Zach rolled his eyes. "Stryder, you're an idiot."
"I take offense to that."
Zach pulled his button-down on.
"Hey aren't we going to see the chick tonight?"
"What chick?"
"The one who broke your heart and stomped all over it."
"No one ever broke my heart and stomped all over it."
"Cassie!" Stryder blurted. "Cassie, that's it."
Zach shook his head. "Cassie was crazy."
Stryder thought for a moment. "It was that girl you never let me meet."
"Because if I did she would have run screaming."
"So you do know who I'm talking about."
"Yes, and you met her like twice, her name is not Cassie."
"Sassy?"
"No."
Stryder thought. "Oh! Sammie!"
"Cammie," Zach corrected.
"I was close."
"Whatever," Zach said as he pushed his tie up to his throat. "You ready to go?"
Stryder nodded and grabbed his jacket.
"Wait."
Zach looked at him.
"Why does it still smell like her if you haven't seen her in years?"
He shook his head. "I don't know. Let's go."
I can't shake you.
Stryder eyes his friend suspiciously but didn't say anything. He knew better then to prod Zach about it, he knew Zach may still be having a little trouble getting over the girl. Stryder could put the pieces together.
"Yeah," Stryder said. "Let's go."
I didn't wanna be here, but my friends all love this bar.
She thought it was strange place, this club/restaurant thing. She couldn't really tell what it was. The whole downstairs was a dance floor, jam packed with bodies grinding. The upstairs, which overlooked the dance floor, was like a restaurant, people being served by waiters in black ties. They headed upstairs, Cammie and Macey clinging to each other while Grant, Bex, Liz and Jonas went on ahead, leading the way.
"You know," Macey started, "this could be a good thing."
"Says you. I don't want to see Zach."
"That's just your brain talking."
"Exactly."
"What does your heart say?"
I don't wanna see you, but I'm wondering where you are.
"Nothing, it can't speak."
Macey rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean."
"Maybe he won't even come."
"Honey, everyone is coming."
"Then I'll just need to find someone else to spend the night with."
"That's what I'm for."
"Like you won't go off with the first available guy you see."
"Who said anything about available?"
"Whore."
"Bitch."
"Slut."
"Skank."
"Tramp."
"Cu—"
"Guys," Liz hissed from in front of them, turning her head to glare daggers at them. "Shut up."
Macey and Cammie shared a look before they started bursting out laughing.
"Oh Lizzie," Macey cooed. "Still so innocent."
Liz continued to glare.
"Lighten up, Liz," Cammie said. "We were only having a bit of fun."
Liz rolled her eye about an easy smile graced her lips as she turned away.
Macey scanned the crowd.
"Really?" Cammie asked, "You're looking to ditch me already?"
"Actually I was looking for Zach."
"Why?"
"Because I want to bone him you idiot." Macey gave her an exaggerated look. "Why do you think?"
Cammie narrowed her eyes. "I will find my own guy and it won't be Zach."
Macey gave her a knowing look. "Okay."
For some reason Cammie's heartbeat had accelerated and she came to the conclusion it was because she was giddy to see Zach. She didn't want to see him, but at the same time she did.
And why I am I still keepin' the shirt you used to sleep in?
It's been sitting here for over a year.
"Maybe I'll meet my soul mate."
Macey didn't respond.
"I'll just see him from across the room and bam, Zach will be nothing but a worthless memory."
"Yeah," Macey said. "You keep thinking that honey."
They were finally at the table upstairs and Cammie looked at the familiar faces, bracing herself to see Zach. But she didn't find his face. She saw his friends, Tanner, Thomas, and what was his name? Stryder? Sarah, Ellie, Jackie, and Yvonne. But no Zach. She recognized them all but she didn't see Zach, and that was almost worse than not seeing him. She had been preparing herself for this and it hadn't even been necessary. He must not have been able to make it.
"Hi guys," Cammie said as she sat down, pulling off her coat, and slinging her bag over the back off her seat, next to Stryder. Cammie didn't remember him well, she'd only met him a handful of time and each time Zach had been hell bent on them not talking. Stryder probably didn't remember her. She was the chameleon after all.
She hadn't even been there minute before Sarah launched into her and Thomas' wedding plans. Cammie glanced at Macey only to find she disappeared. Cammie had to give her credit, the girl moved fast.
About ten minutes into the on-going wedding plans Stryder seemed to notice her bored look.
"Do you want to go dance?"
Cammie looked at him, surprised to have been spoken to anyone but Sarah. "Uh, yeah," she gave a quick glance at Sarah who had already turned to Ellie.
"Let's go."
"Bex," she called as Stryder grabbed her hand, "watch my stuff?"
Bex nodded, quickly turning back to her conversation with Liz.
Cammie felt extremely ignored, even if Stryder had just asked her to dance. Her friends obviously weren't caring.
"How about a drink first?"
Cammie nodded. She could use a drink. Anything to settle her nerves and make thing easier.
She and Stryder took a seat at the bar.
Two and a half coke and rums later Cammie had loosened up. Alcohol usually wasn't her thing, she left that to Bex and Macey, but now she was seeing the benefits. She'd been so nervous about Zach, and then weirdly devastated when she figured out he wasn't coming, and the rum had made everything softer and dimmer. Stryder even kept telling her she smelled nice, and that she was really pretty.
Oh, even though you left me, you're still here.
"You know," Cammie said, her words beginning to slur. "You have an odd name."
Stryder shook his head. "I do not."
She nodded. "You do! It's like Stride, and er, and. . ." she started laughing before she could finish her explanation. He laughed along with her.
"How about that dance?"
She nodded and took his outstretched hand.
Suddenly she ran into something big and tall, and. . . .hard?
"Stryder?" a deep voice asked, sounding way too familiar in the way it made her heart jump.
And every other time when love said goodbye,
"Hey man," Stryder said with a wobbly smile of his own. "I was just going to dance."
"I've been looking everywhere and . . ." he trailed off, looking slightly down for the first time. He words got stuck in his throat and he suddenly forgot how to breath.
"Are you okay? You seem . . ." Stryder noticed the look on his face and fllowed Zach's gaze.
"Oh, I forgot to introduce you. This is Zach and this is. . ." Stryder stopped, thinking Cammie before remembering something important.
"Oh shit!"
Zach's eyes snapped away from Cammie's.
"What the hell?"
"I thought you smelled familiar," he was saying to Cammie, who had suddenly sobered up and had an unreadable look on her face.
Just shake it off, shake it off.
"What?" Cammie and Zach both asked at the same time.
Stryder threw his hands in the air. "Whatever, I need another drink." And then he left abruptly, leaving Cammie and Zach staring at each other, unmoving.
Cammie's heart had gone off on its own, beating wildly. Despite the fact that there were tons of people around them, talking and laughing, Cammie swore the only sound she could hear was her loud heart beat in her ears.
She felt his name on her tongue, but she didn't hear the word, unsure if she'd said it. She shouldn't be getting tongue tied around Zach— that time had long since passed.
He was probably thinking she was acting like an idiot.
"Cammie," he greeted, her name rolling of his lips sounded heavenly to her. "How are you?"
"Um," she said, forcing herself to calm down. "Good. I didn't think you were coming tonight."
"Disappointed?" God, that was such a Zach think to say.
She managed a laugh and shook her head. "Of course not. I just . . ."
"What?" he asked, a curious expression coming over him.
She shook her head. "Nothing."
"Do you want to find somewhere to sit and talk? Catch up?" he asked, hope sparkling in his mesmerizing green eyes. Cammie forced herself not to stare.
"Yeah," she found herself saying, even though she was sure it wasn't a good idea. She took a sip of her drink. "I'd love to."
Pour another drink so I don't feel a thing,
"Great," Zach grinned, the smile lighting up his face.
She followed him back up the stairs and the went through glass door that led to a balcony outside. Cammie hadn't even know there was an outside. The balcony was large but un-crowded, people scattered here and there, obviously trying to get a break from the chaos inside.
They sat on two deck chairs placed side by side, a coffee table placed in front of them. Cammie peeled of her heels and propped her feet up sighing at the sensation.
"Still not a fan of heels?" she heard Zach ask as she leant her head back and closed her eyes.
"Mmh,"she responded. "Not my thing."
Zach laughed quietly but didn't reply.
"Zach?" Cammie asked a little while later.
"Yeah?"
"Do you ever have any regrets?"
I just shake it off, break it off.
"About what?"
"Us," she said, still feeling alcohol simmering through her body. Her stomach was tingling.
All the time, Zach was thinking. But he didn't want to admit that. He barely admitted it to himself that he missed her. She was never part of the plan, he should miss someone who was never supposed to be there in the first place.
"Why?" he asked instead, dodging the question.
A bubble of quiet laughter passed through her lips. "That's such a Zach answer."
Zach opened his eyes and looked at her, but it didn't matter hers were still closed.
"What does that mean?"
"You never answer my questions. Never have. You would always just ask me one of yours."
Zach was silent.
"I don't think you notice that you do it. But it annoys the hell out of me, always has."
"You say it like it doesn't anymore."
She shook her head. "I'm used to it," she said with a small smile. "And it lets me know that you haven't changed."
"No it doesn't."
"You haven't changed bit Zach," she sighed.
"Is that a bad thing?"
"Depends on how you look at it."
"And how are you looking at it?"
She didn't answer; instead she turned her head to the other side. He couldn't see her face anymore. He didn't see a shiny tear slide down her face. But even if he had he wouldn't have known what it mean, she didn't even know.
Erased all your numbers, blocked all your calls,
Tried another love and build up new walls,
"I still have your jacket," she suddenly said.
"My jacket?"
"The one you gave to me the night Abby was shot. I probably should have given it back—"
"I told you to keep it."
She shrugged. "But we broke up."
"It's yours."
"It still smells like you," Cammie replied. "Macey says it stinks but I don't think it does."
Why was she telling him this? Why were her words tugging on his heart strings?
"You remember that shirt I have? The one you used to sleep in?"
She rolled her head back towards him, and her eyes flashed open. "Yes?"
For a moment he was struck by the intensity of her eyes. They were a grey-blue color. But he didn't think they used to be that bright grey. He'd always thought they were bluer.
"I haven't touched it. Stryder says it smells like chick."
Well, now she knew why he had told her she smelled familiar.
She would have laughed had she not heard the sincerity of the first sentence. He still cared about her. He had to.
But did it matter? He was still evasive and withholding. She didn't want to be with him anymore. She didn't even want to want to be with him. She shouldn't even care if he still had feelings for her.
She felt her hand reaching out and her fingertips kissed the skin of his cheek.
"Zach," she started, her voice dropping to a whisper.
He nodded but didn't say anything, waiting for her to continue.
She was going to ask him if he still had feelings for her but something stopped her.
told myself it's over, I don't know what else I can do,
"What?" he pressed, seeing the wheels turn in her head. "What were you going to say?"
"I was just going to ask about your life," she lied, making it up as she went along. "What are you doing these days?"
He gave her a weird look. "I'm a spy, Gallagher girl, what do you think?"
That would do it, the nickname that did things to her she was sure he didn't even realize mixed with the same old sarcasm that just made her think distinctly of him. She bent her head forward and in the slightest of movements her lips were pressed against his. He seemed surprised but didn't push her away.
"Shit," Cammie muttered as she pulled away. Her finger drew away from his face and she touched her lips. "I didn't mean to do that."
His eyes were full of questions and she knew he would let the kiss slide without an explanation.
"What did you mean to do?"
"Do you ever think about me?"
"What?"
"Do you ever think about me? I know you heard me."
"When did you start being so forward?"
She sighed and threw and arm over her eyes. "You can't even answer one simple question. This is why we broke up."
He still didn't say anything. Cammie let out another annoyed huff before the slipped her heels back on and stood up.
"Cammie, wait."
Zach scrambled to his feet
"Yes," he managed. "I think about you. A lot, more than I would like to admit."
She had stopped walking but she didn't turn to him so he put a hand on her arm.
"But why does that matter?"
When she turned around it startled him to see tears in her eyes, some had already started rolling down her pink cheeks.
"Why are you crying?" Zach asked, moving forward, putting his thumb on his cheek. Cammie vaguely thought about how comfortable they were like this, how intimate they could still be.
"For the same reason I never got rid of your jacket."
I can't shake you.
He didn't understand. But it made sense in her mind.
"I'm sorry Zach," she said. "But I have to go."
She couldn't stand crying like this in front of him. Not when she refused to admit how she felt. She wasn't ready to embarrass herself that much. Even the alcohol couldn't force her to do that.
"No, Cammie—"
But she was already walking away, back into the restaurant.
Cammie was sure at least an hour had past until she found Macey. An hour of being on edge, darting away into a hiding place every time she thought she saw Zach. An hour of barely being able to hold herself together. She needed to find Macey. She needed someone to understand.
To her surprised Macey was sitting in Stryder's lap, looking much too comfortable.
"Macey," she called. "Macey!"
Macey's head swung over to her and as soon as she saw the state Cammie was in she darted off Stryder's lap faster than Cammie would have thought possible.
"You look like shit," Macey said. "Are you okay?"
Cammie shook her head and Macey opened her arms, bring Cammie in for a hug.
"Aw shit," Macey mumbled. "It's going to be okay," she soother. "You'll be okay."
It took a while for Cammie to stop crying. And once she was done with that she explained the whole thing, from beginning to end.
"Aw Cam," Macey said, sympathy lacing in her voice.
"I just want to find the right guy Mace," she mumbled. "The guy who makes me forget about Zach."
I can't shake you, no matter how hard I try.
I can't shake you.
I can't shake you, and I don't know why.
"Did you ever think that maybe there isn't one?"
"What are you talking about? Of course there is."
Macey let out a weak laugh and shook her head. "You're the on that's always on about soul mates. Maybe Zach is yours."
"He's not, I would know."
"You ever heard the expression 'blinded by love'?"
Cammie rolled her eyes. "Macey that doesn't mean anything."
"All I'm saying is maybe you haven't thought it through. You can't get Zach out of your head and you're clearly not over him. You must be missing something."
Cammie was quiet, thinking over Macey's words.
"Whatever," Cammie said her tone taking on an edge of defeat. "Can we just go?"
Macey gave a small smile and nodded. "Sure."
"Thanks."
Macey stood up and her eyes landed on something, or someone. "But maybe not just yet."
"Macey c'mon haven't you had enough guys?"
"It's Zach."
"No," Cammie said her nerves suddenly scattering. "No, Macey we have to go. I can't see him."
"You're acting like a twelve year old. You are twenty four years old. Grow up."
And then she left, leaving Cammie to fend for herself.
She tried to weave through the crowd but when she felt a familiar calloused hand on her arm she knew she wouldn't have gotten far anyway.
"Please," he whispered. "Don't run away again."
She turned to him. "What do you want Zach?" she asked tiredly.
"I want you to know something," he said, looking unsure of himself. "I don't think I've gone more then a day without thinking about you. I don't know why—no that's not true. I do. I'm in love with you Cammie and I didn't want us to break up but you seemed too bored and I didn't want to seem needy or anything so I went along with it. I never wanted to admit to myself that you were the one that got away. Because you were never part of the plan and everything got so messed up and—"
"Wait," she interrupted. "Part of the plan?'
He nodded slowly. "For my whole life I've been looking ahead, planning out every detail so I would never be in the dark. And then you came along and I couldn't see around you and—"
"Zach, I don't understand what you're saying."
He waved it away. "Never mind; it doesn't matter. All I want you to know is I don't think I ever stopped loving you."
The words brought her up short and she felt tongue tied, her heart twisted into knots.
"It was like even though you left you were still there, in my head. I could almost hear you, when I was a mission and I was about to do something stupid. I couldn't get you out of my head and I still can't."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I'm tired of trying to live without you."
How was she supposed to get over him when he said things like that?
He wasn't right for her. He never had been. He never would be. They were too different.
And every other time when love said goodbye,
Just shake it off, shake it off.
"Zach. . ."
"Cammie please tell me you feel the same because I'm going to feel like a complete idiot if you don't."
"Zach," she said quietly. "I don't."
He looked heartbroken and she felt her own heart break. Why did she say that? She didn't even know how she felt. She wasn't over him, but she didn't still love him.
His eyes were so heart for a moment she almost wanted to fall to her knees and beg for forgiveness. But the next moment they were blank and her guard had been put up.
"But you kissed me."
"But I was drunk, and I still kind of am."
"So I mean nothing to you anymore?"
Cammie reached forward, and he caught her in her arms when she stumbled a bit. She brushed his hair out of his eyes.
"Of course not. I mean I still think about you all the time. But doesn't that happen after break ups?"
"It doesn't last that long Cam, not unless it's real."
"You're wrong. Zach, I may not be over you but were not meant to be together."
"How can you say that?" Zach asked. "How can you not feel what I feel?" He took her hand and pressed it over his heart, which was beating irregularly.
A small sighed escaped her, fluttering across her pink lips.
She thought about how her own heart was racing, and how she was sure he could hear it.
"We aren't a good match."
"Of course we are."
"I don't think you get it Zach," she sighed. And pulled her hands back. "You were on the good side of the relationship."
"What does that mean?"
"I don't want to sound like a bitch but I did everything for you Zach. I was always there when you needed me."
"But?"
"But you weren't always there when I needed you. I can't tell you how many times I was crying and the only thing I wanted were your arms around me."
Pour another drink so I don't feel a thing,
I just shake it off, break it off.
"It will be different I will—"
"It won't," she said. "You're exactly the same as you've always been."
"You don't even know me anymore."
"You avoid personal questions and you joke when you feel like someone can see past all your bull shit. Zach it just wall after wall and I'm tired of being knocked down."
"Why haven't you ever told me this before?"
"Would it have mattered?" she asked. "Nothing would change Zach, people don't change."
"I can. I would— for you."
She shook her head. Why was he making this so difficult? They had said goodbye once already. Did he want that again?
"Zach, please just stop."
"Don't give me that shit Cammie."
"What shit?"
"You're scared."
"Of what?"
"Of us. Of not ever being able to be truly happy." He asked, and something had sparked in his lifeless eyes. "I have news for you— you're never going to be happy if you don't let yourself."
Erased all your numbers, blocked all your calls,
"You're being ridiculous. You act as though you know the first thing about me."
"I've known you for years!"
"Maybe I'm not the same person I was."
"You just told me people don't change."
"I meant you!" she snapped. "You haven't changed! You're still the ignorant, arrogant bastard I fell in love with the first time! I'm not going to let it happen again."
"So you've been keeping my jacket just because you thought it was fashionable."
She narrowed her eyes at him. "I already admitted I missed you Zach. But I don't want to get back together with you. I'm not a masochist."
"You think you're destroying yourself by being in a relationship with me?!" she could hear the shock, the outrage, laid out clearly in his voice.
"Yes!"
"Fine, Cammie," he snapped. "You win. Just tell me one thing."
"What?" she asked, annoyed.
"When the hell did you become such a bitch?"
She couldn't reply to his words, not that he was expecting an answer. It was rhetorical and she knew that for sure because after a hard stare he walked away, leaving her feeling more guilty than ever.
Tried another love and build up new walls,
This is what you wanted, she reminded herself. She kept repeating it to herself, trying to believe it was true. But her heart was aching and there was an awful sinking feeling in her stomach she knew she wouldn't be able to think away.
Cammie looked up and her eyes met Macey's who's held disappointment and Cammie knew she had not done the right thing. Next to Macey was Bex, giving her the expression.
Cammie stood there, frozen, unable to connect her thoughts.
"Well, go after him already!" Stryder suddenly snapped from beside Macey. That snapped Cammie into action and before she had time to think it through she was racing through the crowd.
"Zach," she panted, seeing his dark hair and catching his shoulder.
"Cammie—" he started tiredly.
They were suddenly pressed tightly together, being pushed by the crowd around them. Cammie backed away and took his hand, dragging him outside of the club.
"I'm not sure I can take anymore of—"
Told myself it's over, I don't know what else I can do,
"Give me a second," she cut him off, suddenly feeling breathless, and she knew it wasn't because of the run.
"What?"
"I take it all back," she blurted. "You were right. I was wrong. I probably still have feelings for you."
"Only probably?"
She shook her head and danced on her tippy toes to press her lips against his. "Absolutely sure. I was being an idiot. I'm sorry."
His grin, his real grin, broke onto his face and she returned it with a wide smile of her own.
"Now that's sorted, I can't stop acting like a hurt puppy."
"You knew I would come after you!" she accused.
"You forget that I probably know you better then yourself, Gallagher Girl. You haven't changed even a tiny bit."
I can't shake you.
She smiled. "Neither have you."
He started to frown.
"That's a good thing."
He gave her a confused look.
"I love you the way you are, and if I can't, then there's no point in loving you at all." He looked like he wanted to interrupt her but she held up a finger. "But there's one condition."
I can't shake you, don't know, no, no.
"Only one?"
She laughed shortly, still trying to catch her breath. "Only one," she confirmed. "No more evasiveness. If I ask you a question, you give me a real honest answer."
"Fine," he agreed, still grinning. "I can do that."
"Fine."
Maybe she had gotten her groundbreaking moment after all.
I can't shake you.
...
AN: So I was listening to the new Gloriana album and I fell in love with this song. The moment I heard the part about the black leather jacket I was like I have ti write a Zammie songfic for this. Ahh! Such a good song. Love it to death :) Already over 300 plays on my Ipod.
I hope you guys enjoyed.
-Becca