[Interior - Kane and Lynch's Apartment - Morning
Birds chirp and sing outside. The sun streams through the curtains. We see, lying on a single sized mattress, Lynch. He snores loudly as we hear the front door open.
KANE
I'm going to work, Lynch... try not to burn the fucking house down.
The door slams. Lynch awakens, choking on some of his long hair.
LYNCH
[coughing and hacking, he spits everywhere, his red eyes watering
FUCK! I hate it when that fucking happens!
Lynch gets out of bed, wearing only his tighty whiteys. He scratches his armpits vigorously before putting on his glasses.
LYNCH
Seven in the morning? Fuck. I didn't even know they made a time that early.
Lynch picks up a note on the counter.
LYNCH
I can't believe Kane made a list of things for me to do, I'm not fucking stupid. Step one, take a shower.
We see Lynch in the shower. He's still pretty sleepy, and as he nods off, he slips and falls, cracking his face on the camera.
LYNCH
Fuck oh fuck oh fuck, my face!
We see Lynch with wet hair fixing his glasses. He picks up the list again, and we see his glasses are held together with duct tape.
LYNCH
Step two, make breakfast.
[Exterior - Outside Kane and Lynch's apartment building - mid morning
A bird sits in a tree, singing beautifully. A gunshot rings out, and the bird falls from view.
LYNCH
Gotcha, fucker! Did ya see that?
[Interior - Kane and Lynch's apartment - mid morning
Lynch is cooking what appears to be bird in a pan on the stove. The bird's feathers light on fire before he drops it on his plate.
LYNCH
Mmm, looks good!
We see Lynch pick up the list again as he wipes the blood off his mouth.
LYNCH
"Step Three, look for a job. We need Money!" Fuck, I don't remember needing money.
Lynch steps outside of the apartment, and sees two teenagers in hip hop apparel.
LYNCH
Hey, what's a job?
TEEN
Go fuck yoself, dog!
LYNCH
It's so hot in this goddamn underwear... what did you fuckin' say?
TEEN
I said go fuck your fat auntie, you greasey-ass long-haired bespectacled motha FUGGAH!
The screen goes black. Lynch awakens in a pile of bodies, apparently with a shotgun in a teen's mouth.
TEEN
[sobbing uncontrollably
A meth lab! We run a meth la-a-a-a-b... please, don't kill me.
LYNCH
Oh god, oh god, oh god! How many did I kill?
TEEN
You killed all ten of my cousins, man! And three of my brothers!
LYNCH
A meth lab! I'll fuckin' make one of those! Thanks for the idea, Tigger
TEEN
My name's Darnell!
Lynch fires his shotgun and goes back inside the apartment building.
[Exterior - Kane and Lynch's apartment - time lapse to evening
Kane pulls up in the driveway. Stepping out of his car, he drops his cigarette and extinguishes it with his foot.
KANE
Another day at the office. Where the hell is Lynch?
Suddenly, the roof of the apartment building explodes as Kane dives for cover. Lynch runs out the front door, covering his head.
KANE
Lynch! What the fuck happened?
LYNCH
I think I tried to find a job!
KANE
I smell chemicals... Lynch, you fucking idiot! I gave you a list!
LYNCH
A list? I don't fuckin remember that.
KANE
How could you mess up something so simple?
LYNCH
Well, I dunno.
Kane sighs.
KANE
So what happens, you build a little meth lab now and then?
LYNCH
It's a little more complicated than that.
ANNOUNCER
Kane loves Lynch was filmed in front of a live studio audience.