Guilty
By: Phantom of Runes
Rating: T
Date: 8-9-12
Pairing/Character: Malchior
Disclaimer: *Don't especially like Malchior* The TT belong to their respective owners, no profit was earned by this product.
What is shame?
When we have done something so horrid that it stick in our conscious
When we have a good friend go because we thought there was another happiness
That sick feeling of hiding the voice that speaks the truth
The pain of lying to a good person
Knowing that the truth could straighten out everything
The unhappiness haunting your mind till... all of it pours out of you
Like it wasn't you,
That is shame.
Shame, by Shani
I know, that the feeling I have within me now is not something that someone typically of my kind would experience. In fact, I would probably be scorned and ridiculed for having this kind of feeling.
I do not understand why they would care, it is not a positive feeling... what I have. No, it does not go by the name of Happiness, or Joy, or Courage... or even Love, in all its attainability.
The feeling I must endure now, it does not come to you in realization. It does not dawn on you in the deep hours of night, or the early streaks of sunrise. It does not smile upon you every time you see the object of your emotions. No, this...feeling... if you must call it that, it seeps into your skin, digging its way into the deepest part of your flesh. It makes hot tears of sorrow and pain sting in your eyes as realization creeps upon you, you recognize it, but push it away, desperately trying to avoid the terrible monstrosity of an emotion. It shows the most hideous side of a person; the dark side, a side filled with hatred and greed and anger and lust. It fills you completely, driving out everything until you are only left with bitter feelings toward the results of your actions.
You see, this feeling I have was not directed at anyone other than myself. I earned it, so I must bear the burden of it. No body will ever feel this way for me or about me because this can only be felt by the person who caused pain. Many monsters have managed to avoid this feeling, due to madness and refusal to accept the truth.
To my amazement, I am now feeling this way for a second time. I had thought it would be easier this time, if I had thought at all on the results of my actions. I had thought that now that I had endured it for a first time, that I now had an invincible immunity to it. But now, I see that the feeling is still in full effect.
Every tear that she sheds, every time a sob racks her small frame, every time her pale, delicate hands clench up in pain and sorrow and anger. Every time she feels that, I feel it too. It only drives the feeling deeper and deeper into me... It was a repeat of him all over again...
Must I travel down the same road again, doomed to repeat the wrongs I've committed?
She was unearthly...beautiful... just like him. No other word seemed to describe the two of them. Pretty, handsome, gorgeous... None seemed able to perfectly capture what they were inside and out. Both so different and alone... Both so undeserving of the horrible trauma's that always seemed to find them...Both never to love...
And here she sat, crying... no weeping, into her hands as she broke down and gave into the horrid emotions of so many years. My own feeling tightened around my heart and mind as I knew I was the cause of her distress. I had been the one to hurt her, the one to betray her... The first one to break her heart.
And those thoughts broke mine.
I had been unfair and cruel, I know that know. But I had never been one to express my feelings, the same had gone with him as well. Yet it only made the fall harder for her, as I took his shape and form.
But not his name.
I couldn't bear to take it, that would have drove me over the edge. The feeling would have killed me, as it had killed many others. Nay, I could not take his name, for the fear it would kill me... And it would have killed her by now. I know that know. For I had tricked her with more than an image than some boy, no, I had taken his image. His voice. His everything.
If I had taken his name, it would have killed her. Beautiful porcelain skin, both of them shared. A pale color, grayish it seemed. Odd hair colors, but something that managed to look both ethereal and ...beautiful on them both. Eyes, hers cold and inexpressive, his kindred and kind. They were so alike, yet so different. So opposite, yet so matching. A yin and a yang at last.
And it was due to my meddling that they could never see each other. My jealousy that prevented the two from ever having the chance to meet. My fault that if they did meet, she would call him by my name, with hatred for me always directed at him. He would shun her, as he remembered the words I had spoken so long ago... My meddling caused this, and my meddling caused the feeling I felt now to creep up on me.
But I loved them both. I had fallen in love with both of them, I loved them both for beauty and intelligence, for vigilance and for bravery, for loyalty and for everything they could ever be. I had fallen in love with the two of them, and I couldn't let them go. I couldn't let them escape my grasp as they ran to each other. I couldn't handle the colors and happiness it would have created, for I believed no one deserved happiness but me.
I had tricked him too. I had taunted him with the vision I had, for I knew that everyone had a secret partner. Somebody who shared your soul. Somebody who could complete you, make you... you. So I reached into the future, pulling an image of the person he would love.
Only to tease, to hide my jealousy.
To hide my love.
For he could never love me. He would only love the girl that I showed him now. But I never could have imagined the chaos that ensued from a single photograph. Love swelled in my chest at the mere sight of her, the beauty that radiated from her mere picture, the same beauty that bounded from him. I had seen the same feeling I now felt, bubbling in his beautiful eyes. Nothing could ever hide from anyone in them. The beautiful orbs would show all and tell all.
But once again, jealousy struck. For I saw how much deeper his love ran, how much purer it was. And I remembered that these two would be made for each other, for souls knew not time's boundaries. I was jealous that he loved her, and not me. And I was jealous that I could never love her the way he did.
Because I loved them both.
But neither loved me.
He obsessed over her, fleeing from me to gather more information. Time was not spent with chasing me, trying to stop me from the destruction and havoc I caused. No, time spent its precious hours with him night and day as he poured over books and spells, trying in vain to catch just one more glimpse of the girl.
When I taunted him yet again, I must have struck a nerve. Saying he would never meet her, for time was far too powerful to overcome. He fought me then, and angrily trapped me. He threw me onto a desk and left me. For he needed yet to find her. Time passed, and age came to him. He had become embittered and cruel, heartless and mocking. Much like me, I realized.
I had ruined him.
I had ruined a beautiful life, a beautiful heart and mind. And I had ruined a half of a soul. I had soiled it, caused obsession and anger.
He died. He passed angry and bitter, by his own hand. Only eighteen years of age, and he had plunged the knife deep into his chest. Unable to bear any more failures, any more suffering from being unable to meet the one he loved. He had become insane, obsessed with the idea she would find him... save him.
A life ruined, because of me.
And that's when the feeling started to crawl on me.
I tricked her, but much more cruelly. I let her read the story, most of it anyways. I saw her abrupt fascination with the main character; him. She was already falling in love with him, with his tale. So when I spoke, telling her I was in fact, him. She had believed me full heartily, not wanting to believe anything else.
She fell into my web of lies and cheats, eating up everything I told her with a happy, gleaming look in her eye. I did love her, and she loved me. I knew that. She had fallen completely in love with me, in love with who I was; even though it was not me.
I used his stories, and his words. All the sentences he had used while imagining with mad hilarity that he could see her. And she feel head over heels with them, because without even knowing him, she loved him. I shouldn't have expected anything less, but I did. I had. She loved me, because she thought I was him.
That's why my betrayal stung her so harshly. And as she sat here know, tears flowing from her eyes, I watched as the crystal leaks began to turn pink...than red. And I realized that she too was dying.
Dying of a broken heart.
Of a broken soul.
No body should have ever expected her to live long anyways. Most people only just get by with having their other half alive and happy at some point. But him... he had been broken and sorrowful. And now she was too. Her soul had been weakened by him... by me.
So it came as no surprise when a final breath tore from her mouth, his name on her lips.
The same had gone for him, and the feeling that had been crawling on me for years finally caught up. Somewhere in the confines of my prison, tears flowed down my face as heartbreak began to kill me too. For they had loved each other, and I had loved them. I had known them both, loved them so strongly. And they had not know, but loved one another so purely.
But the feeling I felt wasn't love right now. No, the one that had been plaguing me, weakening me... Now it was finally going to kill me.
I knew that as the cold claw began to squeeze my heart.
I also knew that I deserved it.
For I had ruined not two lives, but one. A complete and whole life that could never be fulfilled. I had broken the most beautiful people, drove them to madness and heartbreak.
And I had inevitably caused their deaths.
And I had no regret.
Only the feeling.
The feeling that came to claim me, to drag me into eternal hellfire for killing a pure soul. To pull me into the depths of darkness and burning, where love and happiness and joy did not exist.
Only the feeling.
And I would never see them again, never see him as a person, never see his kind eyes smiling at a village he had saved. Never see her beautiful smile as she thought she was talking to him. But they would see each other, but I found no joy from that.
Only my bitter feelings of jealousy and discontentment.
But my kind always wound up where I would know go.
Mercy did not grant favors upon dragons.
Raven and Rorek.
The most beautiful people in the world, and I had caused their deaths.
And now the feeling would consume me, for it's name was so easily frowned upon, yet so wholly consuming.
Guilt, was it's name.
I had felt guilt.
Hmm... It was a lot better all in my head, that's for sure. BUT then again, this is when I had first seen Spellbound, (Now I've seen it like a bajillion times), so I wrote this when my ideas about Malchior were still all confused and slightly less hateful. For some reason, I just can't get over how much I freakin' hate that stupid dragon... I just don't get it, hate Malchior but absolutely ADORE Rorek! Anyway, tell me what you think, confusing, depressing, stupid... Reviews are highly appreciated!
I'm glad to go, I cannot tell a lie.
I flit, I float, I flit freely, I fly.
Phantom of Runes