Sand and Water

by Oliviet

In life, we often want the most, the things we can't have. And more often than not we want that thing so much, that we're willing to do almost anything to get it. EO One Shot. Get your tissues ready. ;

AN: One shot! Rated M just to be safe, because I know me. :) I've used the song "Sand and Water" by Beth Nielsen Chapman as a transition between past and present. I've written this in a really different way, but I hope you all like it. In Olivia's POV. Enjoy!

All alone I didn't like the feeling.

I walked into the squad room. No one knew yet, only me. It was only a matter of time before they knew. I'm sure it was evident on my face.

I thought about you. Of how perfectly your fingers fit in between mine. Of how soft your lips feel. Of how many people are going to be shocked by this news I have to tell them, even if I don't want to be the one to have to do it.

"Hey Liv. Where's Elliot?" Cragen asked. "You two never checked back in after you went after Dickson."

"He's gone," I croaked.

This hurts too much. Why couldn't you just be here?

"Gone where?"

"Heaven, I'd assume."

I've never really believed in much of an afterlife. It's your Catholic faith that brought you there.

"What are you saying?" Cragen asked.

I need you.

"I can't bring myself to say it," I whispered.

I really need you.

"What happened?"

All alone I sat and cried.

I remember when you finally got the nerve to ask me out. You were finally past the divorce and we both knew there was something between us.

After dinner we went for a walk. The air was crisp with the scents of autumn and the pollution of New York.

"I love fall," you said.

"Why's that? You hate change."

"Not all change is bad."

You smiled then. God I loved it when you would smile like that. Your whole face would light up. And then when you laughed, your nose would crinkle, like you said mine did.

We continued walking and gradually your fingers snaked in between mine. Your hand was warm against my cold one. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to finally know what it was like, but was afraid to make the first move. We got to Central Park and found ourselves on a foot bridge, gazing up at the stars.

"My mother used to make up stories about the constellations," I told you. "See that group of stars right there? She called them Romeo and Juliet. Star-crossed lovers, get it? It looks like they're reaching for each other, but can't quite reach because of 'outside forces.' Their story was always my favorite."

"You a romantic, Liv?"

"I guess you could say that."

I leaned my back against the edge of the bridge.

"The moon sure is bright tonight," I mused.

You stepped in front of me and slipped an arm around my waist, pulling me closer to you. You started to say something, but ended up kissing me instead. That kiss El, it nearly made me faint. There's nothing in the world like your kisses you know; they made me melt every time.

All alone I had to find some meaning.

"Why didn't you call me?" Cragen asked.

"He didn't want you there. He said the pain emitting from me was all that he could handle."

In the center of the pain I felt inside.

I remember the first night we spent together. It was magical. I wanted to memorize everything about you. The way the muscles in your chest would tense up right before you came. The way that stupid little smile would stretch across your lips when I came.

You would always hold me afterwards. Your arms would be wrapped around me and our bodies would stick together from the sweat.

I realized that night that I only ever wanted to be with you. That for the rest of my life, you were all that I needed.

"I wish the whole world could just be this room, just the two of us," I said.

You kissed my shoulder and trailed up to my neck. You stopped at my ear to whisper:

"I love you, Olivia."

I looked into those blue eyes of yours. They were shining with specks of silver, excited like a kid on Christmas.

"I love you too, Elliot."

We both knew it then. We knew that no matter what happened on the job, no matter how crappy our days were, we could always come back to this room, to this bed, and get lost in each other.

All alone I came into this world.

We had never expected something like this to happen. Not so soon, and if we could help it, never.

"Olivia, I…" Cragen started.

But he didn't know what to say. What does one say to someone who just lost their best friend, their soul mate? Why does one say 'I'm sorry' when they really had nothing to do with it at all? So they're sorry it happened, that doesn't change the fact that it did.

"I know," I told him. "He's all I had, Don. All I had to live for."

All alone I will someday die.

"Do you think we're going to get married?" I asked you about a month after we confessed our love for each other.

You smiled that beautiful smile of yours and I watched as the silver twinkled in your eyes.

"You want to marry me, Liv?"

"Is this a proposal or just a question?"

"Does it matter?"

It didn't. Either way my answer was yes. We hadn't been dating all that long, but I'd been friends with you for almost a decade. I had come to love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone.

You knew things about me, about my mother, that no one else knew. Secrets that I only entrusted with you.

But being the Queen of Running that I was, I couldn't actually say "yes" to your question. I told you I wasn't ready for marriage, which, at my age, couldn't have been a bigger lie. And I've regretted it every second since.

Solid stone is just sand and water, baby. Sand and water, and a million years gone by.

I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to have been married to you. I know that it would have made losing you even worse, if that's possible. But still, El you have no idea how badly I wanted to be your wife.

"You have us, Olivia. Me, and Casey, and Munch, and Fin. Huang and Warner too. We're your family, Liv. With or without Elliot."

"I know I have you guys, but you're not Elliot. I don't think… I don't…I can't work here without him. It'll hurt too much. But you're right. This squad is the only family I have."

"So what are you going to do?"

I will see you in the light of a thousand suns.

We were sitting on my…our…couch and were cuddled together in each other's arms. You were massaging my neck.

"That girl didn't deserve to go back to her mother," I said.

"I know," you told me.

"She's just going to get abused again."

"I know."

"That girl's mother is not only an alcoholic, but a coke addict. She claims she's gonna stay clean and sober, but that will never happen. She could kill her daughter."

You kissed that spot on my neck you loved so much. The scar Gitano left a little over a year ago.

"How bad did you mother hurt you?"

"El…"

"Liv…"

I sighed.

"It was never anything bad. She didn't so much abuse me as she did neglect me."

You traced the scar with your finger. Every time we had tough kid case, I noticed you always messed with my scar. It was no longer just a constant reminder for me, but a reminder for you; a reminder of your mistake. I hated that scar. I hated that we had to be reminded of that little boy's death. But you said you loved it. It reminded you of the day we realized we had feelings for each other. You called it my battle wound and told me I should wear it with pride.

I will hear you in the sounds of the waves.

I told Cragen I needed a week to decide of I was going to leave SVU or not. I couldn't imagine working there without you, but they were the only family I had.

I was debating if I wanted to go and tell Casey myself or if I'd rather let her hear it through the grapevine. I knew the two of you were pretty good friends, especially since I left you guys with Beck to go to Oregon and play tree-hugger.

I decided I owed it to her to go say something.

"Case?" I called into her office.

"One sec," she said into her phone. "What is it Olivia?"

She seemed agitated with me, like what the hell could be so important on this overwhelmingly busy Tuesday? But then she must have noticed my puffy, red, tear-stained cheeks. My eyes full of sorrow, grief, and tears. The expression that screamed what was wrong, wasn't case related.

She turned back to her phone. "I'll call you back."

I walked in and took a seat in the chair in front of her desk.

"Liv, tell me what's wrong."

"Elliot…"

I still can't bring myself to say it. Just thinking about it, springs a fresh set of tears to my eyes. So much for being strong…

"What about Elliot? Did you guys break up?"

I almost laughed. Why couldn't this be as trivial as that?

"In a way I guess we did. He…he…"

"What Olivia? What?"

"He's dead."

I will know you when I come, as we all will come.

You always told me that I was two different people. Who I was at work was a different person than the one you went to bed with every night. At night, I was no longer the bad-ass cop who had secrets and repressed feelings. I wasn't just your partner anymore. I was your girlfriend who loved you as much as I could. I was your lover who pulled you over the edge countless times. I was your best friend with whom so many secrets were shared.

There were no secrets left between us or hard times when we were together. I was able to let loose a part of me I haven't seen since college.

And if there was a particularly bad day at work, you always knew how to make it better. Like that whole thing with Simon… I couldn't have gotten through it if it wasn't for you. I would so give anything to have that back. I'd give anything just to see your face again, to hear your voice, to feel your touch, to smell your scent, to taste your mouth. I need you.

We were laying in bed one night and you were the one who had had the bad day. It was one of those nights I'll never forget.

"Why won't you talk to me?" I demanded.

"I don't…"

"El, you know I talk to you when my day was miserable. Why can't you do the same?"

You rolled over so that you were facing me and laced your fingers in between mine.

"Because I don't want to hurt you."

I was intrigued then.

"Why would your bad day, hurt me?"

"You really want to know?"

I nodded.

"I saw Kathy today."

It was like you expected me to react to that or something. You saw your ex-wife today. So?

"We started arguing," you continued, "And you came up. She said, and I quote, 'I always knew that you would end up with that partner of yours. She's had her beady little eyes on you since day one.' I told her that your eyes weren't beady and I began to describe to her how beautiful they are; their dark chocolate mochay color… Then she slapped me."

I could see the hurt in your eyes. It reflected how Kathy felt, I'm sure. That since of betrayal, especially coming from someone that close to you, must really sting.

"We just kept fighting, and fighting. Said I'd probably been cheating on her all along, that we'd been having an affair. She wouldn't listen to me. All day I've been hearing her in my head; listening to her bitter words. And then I thought of you."

I felt your grip on my hand get tighter.

"I don't even know how to put this into words, Olivia…"

You started rubbing your eyes and then just kept your face hidden beneath your hand. I realized that you too were two different people. When you were with me, you weren't this stubborn-ass cop with an anger problem. You've showed me other emotions, I don't think anyone at the precinct has ever seen on you. And that night…

"Elliot…"

I ran my hands down your back. You looked me directly in the eyes and I noticed your gorgeous blue eyes cloud over with a gray.

"You can't let Kathy get to you like that. She's only jealous of how perfect and in love we are."

"Then why won't you marry me?"

I stopped breathing. I couldn't believe you would just throw that back in my face like that.

"Elliot I…"

I wanted to marry you. I really did. I wanted to be able to call you my husband, but I was terrified of such a big commitment.

I took your hands in mine and placed them over my heart.

"I love you, Elliot. And I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you."

"But?"

"But… I just feel like it's too soon. Yeah we've been friends for years, but we haven't been dating all that long. And I just…"

You drew me closer to you. Our foreheads were touching and you tangled your hands in my hair.

"That's all I needed, Liv," you whispered. "To know I have you forever."

You pressed your lips against mine then, pulling me even closer to you. As our tongues tangled together, I knew that I wanted you inside of me. I got my wish. We were moving together as one as you moved inside of me. I've never felt more connected to you than I did that night.

"Liv?" you asked, out of breath from our love making.

"Yeah?"

"You want kids, right?"

"You know I do."

"Good because I think that one might have done it."

And then you smiled; smiled like you knew that everything was going to be okay.

Through the doors beyond the grave.

Your funeral. I don't think I can handle this. Handle seeing your lifeless body. Looking at you and knowing that those arms will never hold me again, that those lips will never touch me again, that your beautiful blue eyes will never open and light up at the sight of me ever again…it's all just too much.

"Olivia."

It was Kathy. I saw your kids behind her. I can't imagine how they feel right now. Of course, I don't what it feels like to lose your father…can't lose what you never had…

"Kathy. I –."

She put a hand on my shoulder, before drawing me into a hug.

"This really sucks," I stated, biting back tears.

"I know. He was a good man."

"He was a great man."

I'd always been civil with her, for you. Now I wonder if you'd still want me to be. I'm sure you would, but I can't get the 'beady eyes' comment out of my head.

"Were you there? When it happened, that is…" Kathy asked.

I nodded.

"What were his last words?"

All alone I heal this heart of sorrow.

"A warehouse?"

You came up behind me and kissed that scar.

"Everything will be fine, Liv. You worry too much."

You took the lead and headed into the warehouse.

"Elliot wait!"

You turned around.

"I don't think we should split up."

"Liv…"

"I have a really bad feeling about this, El."

"We'll be fine."

With that you walked in, leaving me alone outside. I didn't know why, but I could sense that something was wrong. That splitting up would leave to severe consequences.

"Elliot?" I whisper shouted.

Silence.

I walked in further. It was pitch black. Then I heard something to my left. My eyes adjusted and I was able to make out you and some other guy. You both had your guns raised.

I t was like watching a bad horror movie. I felt another guy come up behind me and pin my arms behind my back.

"Get off of me!" I shouted.

"Not just yet," the man mumbled back.

I heard a shot fired. A body fell, you fell.

"Elliot!!" I screamed.

The two men ran out of the warehouse, getting away from me. They weren't my concern at the moment, you were.

"SVU portable to base. 10-13 We have and an officer down at the warehouse on Elm!" I yelled into the portable as I rushed over to you.

I scooped you up and into my arms.

"Elliot! Please baby talk to me!"

"I guess…you were right, Liv."

"I didn't want to be right."

"I love you."

"No! Don't you do that! Don't you dare say your goodbyes! You're going to fine."

"No…I'm…not."

"Elliot, I'm pregnant."

"That's…great."

"I need you. I don't know how to raise a kid."

"You're great…with kids…Liv… I can't…breath…"

"Hang in there baby, please. Just a few more minutes and the ambulance will be here. Listen, I hear the sirens."

"I can't…one… last…kiss?"

"Elliot…"

"Please."

I cupped your head in my hands as tears cascaded down my face. I pressed my lips against yours for the last time.

"I love you so much, El," I whispered into your mouth.

"Love…you…t-."

You couldn't even finish the word 'too.' The paramedics finally came in, but it was too late. You had died in my arms.

All alone I raise this child.

I named him after you. I hope he becomes just as strong and brave as his father. He loves hearing stories about you and I love telling them. I miss you El, a lot.

Flesh and bone, he's just bursting towards tomorrow and his laughter fills my world and wears your smile.

Love Always,

Olivia

AN: Crying yet? Let me know!! :)