SKUNKS STINK AND PINK IS UGLY

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. Duh.

Summary: What if Bella tried a different approach in making Jacob pay for imprinting on Renesmee? What if the approach was less physically harmful, and more hilarious? What if, instead of attacking Jacob, she made him pay in a funnier way?

Rating: K

Timeline: Breaking Dawn

Character Point of View: Jacob Black

I stepped back, hands raised in front of me. Oh, please don't make her murder me...I thought at Edward. He didn't reply, and I groaned mentally. Of course he wouldn't help me! I had just imprinted on his two-day old daughter, for Pete's sake!

Bella advanced towards me, a murderous look on her face. "You didn't."

"You know it's not something I can control." I said, trying to reason with her. It wouldn't do well if she attacked right now in front of Nessie...

"You stupid mutt!" She shrieked at me. "How could you? My baby!"

Damn. Why would they just get the fact that I wasn't in love with Nessie now?

I backed out the front door, nearly tripping backwards on the steps. Bella followed me, her stance predatory like those lions on National Geographic.

"It wasn't my idea, Bella!" I protested.

"I've held her all of one time and already you think you have some moronic wolfy claim to her? She's mine." Moronic wolfy claim? That's insulting. God knows what Quil would do to Bella if he heard her using that derogatory term.

"I can share." I begged feebly. The lawn came into view around me. I didn't realize I was walking that far.

"Pay up!" Emmett told Jasper, grinning like the Cheshire cat. Jasper flipped him the bird and took out a huge pile of what must've been like, hundred dollars. Damn, they were bloody rich. No pun intended.

"How dare you imprint on my baby?" Bella screamed at me. She looked...murderous. I really hope she's not hungry now... "Have you lost your mind?"

"It was involuntary!" I persisted, my feet carrying me farther from the house. I felt a leaf tickle my neck, and realized I was nearly in the forest.

Leah and Seth came out from the thick foliage behind me. I heard Leah growling, and I groaned mentally. Damn her! She was only making this worse!

Please, please, don't make Bella madder...I thought at Leah. Of course, being the stubborn wolf-girl she was, she did the opposite thing. She snapped at Bella ferociously, the way a dog might at a stranger that has snatched out its favorite bone under its nose.

Bella snarled back at Leah. It dawned on me that Bella was truly like a ...vampire at the moment. Scary.

"Bella," I begged, trying to make her see reason. "Would you try to listen for just a second? Please?" I put on my best-puppy-dog eyes at the moment, but no one noticed. I heard Leah come closer, and panicked.

"Leah, back off!" I warned. She ignored me, and continued to stare at Bella murderously.

"Why should I listen?" Bella hissed.

Just then I remembered sometime. Oh, yeah! More ammunition. Or rather in my case, tranquilization.

"Because you're the one who told me this," I said slowly, trying to show her that I wasn't doing anything wrong. "Do you remember? You said we belonged in each other's lives, right?" That we were family. You said that was how you and I were supposed to be. So...now we are. It's who you wanted." Only difference is, I was her to-be-son-in-law, instead of the brother she thought I would be. Oh well.

Bella glared at me, but I saw a part of her hesitate. But that didn't stop her from yelling at me more.

"You think you'll be part of my family as my son-in-law!" She screeched, sounding more like a loud soprano than an insanely-mad woman. Oh, this was fun. Well, part of it was, anyway.

Behind her, Emmett guffawed loudly. Rose shot him an annoyed look. Wait, did I call Blondie 'Rose'? Man, the Cullens must be wearing on me.

Esme stepped forward from behind Rosalie, and shot a worried look at us. "Stop her, Edward. She'll be unhappy if she hurts him." Her eyes darted to Nessie, behind Emmett and Jasper.

No one made any move to stop Bella. What the hell?

"No!" I insisted, sounding kinda girly at the moment. "How can you even look at it that way? She's just a baby, for crying out loud!"

"That's my point!" She shouted at me, taking it in the wrong direction only our Bella can take.

'You know I don't think of her that way!" I shouted back at her. My patience was dwindling. "Do you think Edward would have let me live this long if I did? All I want is for her to be safe and happy –is that so bad? So different from what you want?" I had suffered when she eloped with Edward, now it was my turn to have the peace and happiness. Why was she being a total hypocrite? Couldn't she see the truth in my eyes, in the words I had just spoken to her? Or was I a liar, just like Edward was?

I saw him flinch behind Bella, and realized that my words must have been a bit harsh. Sorry, I told him in my thoughts. He nodded back at me stiffly.

My words had shocked Bella so much, she just growled back. Like an angry tiger-kitten, I thought vaguely.

"Amazing, isn't she?" Edward muttered to the very-stumped looking Jasper. Jasper just nodded, his eyes the size of saucers.

"She hasn't gone for his throat even once." Carlisle murmured, sounding like he was in a trance. From the look in Bella's eyes, I wouldn't make such assumptions now, Dr. Fang. Bella looks like she'll take out the forks and knives, rub them together, and eat me on the spot.

"Fine, you win this one." Emmett said sourly. He took out the pile of dollars Jasper had given to him some time ago, and shoved them into Jasper's outstretched hand. Jasper just shot him a smug look before pocketing the notes.

"You're going to stay away from her." Bella snarled at me. What? No! I can't leave Nessie; it's like ripping out your own heart! You know how it was like without your soul mate! He left you, for Pete's sake! This was cruel. Call 9-1-1! PETA!

"I can't do that!" I wailed.

"Try," She said maliciously. "Starting now." Nooooo! She was evil!

"It's not possible," I said frantically. "Do you remember how much you wanted me around three days ago? How hard it was to be apart from each other? That's gone for you now, isn't it?" I finished smugly. Looks like my little tranquilizer dart reached a vital part. Now, for me to load the next dart.

She just glared at me.

"That was her," I said, trying to milk it up to her. "From the very beginning." From the moment I saw you at La Push, telling you Quileute folk-tales. Even you didn't realize it. "We had to be together, even then."

A look of recognizing flashed across Bella's face. But I made the assumption too early.

"Run away while you still can." She sneered at me. What? What was I supposed to do, become a Chihuahua and lope off into the forest?

"C'mon, Bells!" I whined. "Nessie likes me too."

She froze.

My thought at that moment was: Oh, no. I've hit the most lethal button.

I swallowed nervously, stepping back. Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod...she was gonna attack now...

But being the unpredictable Bella, she surprised me.

She took deep breaths like those weird dudes at yoga classes.

"Congratulations," She told me, her voice eerily calm. "You just got a first-class ticket to Hell, Jacob Billy Black. And you are going to pay for what you did."

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I've got Chapter 2 all planned out and ready, but I have to get 10 reviews, then only Chapter 2 will come. *shrugs* Sorry.