She stared out the window of her room into the black abyss. It was a starless, moonless night; and the only light came from the street lamps, many of which were broken and shattered from fights and teenage boys getting their kicks.
Teenage boys, the thought made her laugh. So many times she had called the hoodlums and no good when it was her that was no good, her and Rick.
She hadn't been the nicest person; not in the least bit to tell the truth. She had ranted and raved and ignored, ignored her only child a son.
A son with dark hair and big black eyes, a son with broken bones and big black and blue bruises that were caused by her husband. Her son was gone now and had been for going on forty years September.
It was her fault he was dead, hers and Rick's. If they had loved him, hugged him once said they were proud of him just once then maybe he wouldn't be.
He wouldn't have been in the lot, wouldn't have run away with his friend and ended up dead, a murder and a hero.
Before Johnny had come along she had never heard of a murderer that was a selfless hero. Before Johnny came she didn't know what selfless was.
She knew now. Selfless was her son. Selfless was the way Johnny had loved her and Rick though he never was given that love in return. Selfless was him going into that fire with no regrets, dying with no regrets.
She slammed her fist on the chair. Darn it Jessie why couldn't you have loved him, why couldn't you put down the booze? She thought bitterly
Jessie-Anne Jackson Cade had tried to blame the booze for years, the booze and Rick. They were apart of her son's suffering, a part of what caused his demise but so was she, so was she.
Sighing Jessie trudged off to bed.
The next morning she walked the two miles to the old graveyard and to the shady tree underneath which her son was buried.
The old grave was covered in leaves. Gingerly, loveingly Jessie swept them away as she did every week.
"Hello Johnny. It's me again. I know you probably hate me but please forgive me. I know I ask this every time I see you but I need you to know I love you son. I love you."
"He knows that now. It's all he ever wanted, you to say those words." Jessie looked up.
She knew the man who had spoke to her. He visited this grave about once every year or so but that wasn't how she knew him. He was a famous author and her dead son's best friend.
"Visiting are you?" she asked, her voice much softer then she had usually used when talking to this man; though they hadn't really talked since Johnny had been in the hospital years ago.
He hated her, she knew that much. He probably couldn't stand her."
The man nodded. "Yeah, my brother is having a grandkid."
Jessie smiled softly. The man held out a hand and helped her up. Jessie wondered why he was being so kind.
"I'm sure Johnny heard you and he probably forgives you. I never knew him to hold grudges."
Jessie nodded. "I wouldn't know. I never really got to know him. It's probably my biggest regret."
"Would you like to?" the man asked.
"How?"
The man smiled. "I'll tell you about him over some brunch. How about it?"
"That sounds nice." Jessie said quietly.
"By the way I'm Ponyboy. And I forgive you."
It was all Jessie had ever wanted to hear. All she ever wanted was to be forgiven. It was all Jessie had wanted to here for over thirty-nine years. She felt different somehow as if a heavy burden had been lifted from her very soul.
"Thank-you." She said. Ponyboy smiled at her.
"Do you like pizza?" he asked, his voice much happier this time. Jessie nodded and went to eat some brunch and lean about her son.
As she left she swore she head his voice in the wind whispering "I love you mom." It brought her the most joy she had ever felt in her life.