Legend of
Pancakes:
Armpit of Time
(Co-written by a 13-year-old boy. Total parody. Also partly true.)
CHAPTER 1
"Wait!" I shouted at the bus, my long chestnut brown hair waving everywhere. I was too late. The bus took off as though I wasn't there. I couldn't believe it. This would be my first time of my middleschool carrier that I ever missed the bus.
To my utter supprise, I wasn't the only one late today. My friend, Jordan, came running up to me. He seemed out of breath.
"D-did I miss the bus, Ember?" He asked. I slapped him jokingly.
"Duh! We both missed the bus!" I answered. Then as an after thought I added "Moron."
"Well, hows about we take a short cut through those creepy looking woods?" Jordan asked. I laughed, but walked in anyway. He followed me in.
Jordan and I have always been friends ever sense I saved his butt from some bullies. He had messy hair that was about the same color as mine, and he had eyes that, as soon as you looked in them, they'd make you laugh at any joke he told you.
Me, I was a straight A student who was also very cocky and weird. Oh, and one more thing; I'm completely obsessed with Zelda Games. Jordan also liked them, but he's more addicted to general Video Games.
Jordan noticed my "You know your addicted to Zelda when…" T-shirt. He smirked his cocky smirk.
"You still own that thing?" He asked, pointing at my shirt. I smiled.
"What? It's my favorite shirt." I replied.
"Yeah, but I can still see pizza stains from last year on it! That shirt should be your next science Project!" Jordan teased. I threw my fist at him. This was regular in each of our days. But things were about to get much weirder.
"So you're coming to my birthday party, right?" I asked.
"Of course!" Jordan answered.
PFFFFFT!
"Ugh! Jordan!" I shouted, waving a hand in front of my face.
"That wasn't me!" Jordan defended.
Pffft.
"That was." said Jordan. The bushes behind us rattled. We looked back at the bushes. With a loud fart, a kid came out of them. He looked somewhat Asian, but he was wearing completely green. I raised an eyebrow, and Jordan raised (and wiggled) his opposite eyebrow.
"There you are! We been looking for you two!" The boy said.
"Do we know you?" I asked.
"No, but we know you. I'm Kong-Ai-Rou!" The boy responded.
Pffffffffft!
"Ugh!" I exclaimed, waving an offended hand again.
After a wile of walking through the woods (with rather unpleasant smells the entire way), we reached the aria Kong was supposed to take us.
"We here! This were it is!" Kong said bouncing.
Pfffffffffft!
"Okay kid, that's it!" Jordan exclaimed, "You asked for it!"
PWWWFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTtttt..t..t…!
The fart erupted through the woods.
"Ith you boyz are ablout done yeth," I said, holding my nose, "I'ld like tho geth oon weth thiz!"
"Fine…" Jordan sighed, as though I were his mother getting him off his new video game. Though, I must admit, I was mildly entertained by the loud fart that Jordan let loose. Who knew that a fart that loud was accessible in the natural world?
We walked through the bushes to see several children, all in green, looking as though they had been working all day…well, it was still morning…so, all night, I guess. They had a large tree behind them. My mind immediately jumped to "Kokiri", but then I shook my head. It had to be my Zelda rotted imagination. Strangely, music began to play. It was familiar music…then, I realized it was music from the resent school-play! The children began to dance.
"It's a hard-knock life, for us!" Sang a bunch of the kids.
"It's a hard-knock life, for us!" Sang several others. A little red headed girl jumped up on a tree stump.
" 'Steada treated," She sang.
"We get tricked!" sang the others.
" 'Steada kisses,"
"We get kicked!" They completed, the girl jumped off and they all sang together: "It's the hard-knock life!"
"Why are they singing and dancing?" I asked Kong.
"I don'no, they just spotainiously broke out into song and dance, I guess." He answered.
"Got no folks to speak of, so," They all sang, "It's the hard-knock row we how!"
"Grass blankets," Sang the red headed girl.
" 'Steada cloth!" Completed the others.
"Empty belles,"
" 'Steada full!"
Then they all sang, "It's the hard-knock life!"
"Don't it feel like the wind is always howl'n?" Warbled the little girl in solo.
Two other girls stepped up and sang, "Don't it seem like there's never any light?"
Then, two other girls followed, singing, "Once a day, don't you wanna throw the towel in?"
Followed by another two girls, who sang, "It's easier than puttin' up a fight!"
The red headed girl took over again, "No one's there when your dreams at night get creepy! No one cares if you grow...or if you shrink! No one dries when your eyes get wet an' weepy!"
"From all the cryin' you'd think this place's a sink!" Shouted the kids in singsong, "Ohhhh! Empty belly life! Rotten smelly life! Full of sorrow life! No tomorrow life!" The spotlight then moved to a little girl, younger than the rest, who was sitting down…wait, where did the spotlight come from?
"Santa Claus we'll never see." Sang the littlest girl. The red head danced over to the youngest.
"Santa Claus, what's that? Who's he?" She asked, while still singing to the tune.
TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!
A whistle had blown. All the Kids stopped dancing and singing.
"Hey!" I shouted, "You blew it too early!" I turned to see Kong.
"Actually, I blew it intentionally. We have something more im-" He began; but he paused, bent over, and let out another fart. Then he stood back up an continued, "We have something more important to deal with now!"
"Oh, right…" said the red haired little girl, there was some guilt in her voice.
"To bad." I whispered to Jordan, "Those kids were good!" But then I saw Jordan was asleep.
I took off my backpack and hit Jordan over the head with it.
"Ow! What'd I do?" Jordan asked.
"You always fall asleep during performances!" I accused of him.
"No I don't!"
"Jordan, you fell asleep in a performance you starred in! …While you were staring in it!"
"It was 'Hamlet'! How do you stay awake during that?"
"I still don't understand how you fell asleep while you were on stage! In the middle of a line?"
"Um, excuse me?" Came a familiar voice, "Ember and Jordan?" I looked up to see Kong looking a little frightened.
"Oh, um, sorry." I said, helping Jordan to his feet.
"Oop oop, yabu yabu!" said Jordan.
"What?" I asked.
We turned to face the tree. The tree formed a face.
"Hello." It said. My jaw dropped.
"J-Jordan, this is a real talking tree." I said with a tone of panic, "You're not on drugs."
"Really?" Jordan asked, "Are you sure?"
"I'm dieing because of a parasite," Said the tree, "and these cheapskates wont break for the medicine!" He then dropped his jaw to the ground and, some how, while still keeping it open, said, " Enter and get the flippin' monster out!"
We walked in slowly. The eerie darkness surrounded us and made every step we took, frightening. I-
"Safety." Jordan said. The awful smell reached my nose.
"Jordan!" I shouted. Then-
COUGH
COUGH
We were coughed out. The Deku Tree looked angry.
"What are you tryin' to do? Kill me?" He asked.
"Look, lets try this again." I offered.
We walked in slowly. The eerie darkness surrounded us and made every step we took, frightening. I-I couldn't believe Jordan was smiling!
"Why are you so happy?" I asked.
"We're in a real life video game here!" He explained. I was about to respond wen I felt the ground below me get bouncy. I looked below me to find a spider web; it was very sturdy, and very big.
"Cool!" I said, bouncing on it. I was like standing on a trampoline.
"We have company!" Jordan exclaimed. I turned to see a bunch of monsters heading for us. It was a bunch of skullitas, dekus, and a chicken wing (yum)! I grabbed Jordan by the legs and swung him around, using him as a weapon. After all what else could I have used, I'd left my backpack outside. Before I knew it, all the monsters were gone.
"Ow." said Jordan. Then something caught my eye.
"Oh…heehee, there was a sword over there the whole time!" I noted. But Jordan was already crawling towards the sword. Too slow. I reached the sword way before Jordan did. I pulled the sword out with all my strength (which wasn't much), and put it in the sheath that magically appeared on my back.
"I get the sword!" I teased. Jordan frowned. After letting Jordan heal, we were off again.
"So were to now?" I asked.
"Well, I know a short cut!" said Jordan.
"How can you know a short cut?" I asked…again.
"I just know," Jordan said mysteriously. I backed away slowly. He began to jump up and down on the spider web, and before I knew it he was twelve feet in the air. Then he put so much pressure on the web that it snapped. Let me tell you, I was glad I backed away!
"Jordan?" I shouted down the horizontal tunnel, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," came Jordan's voice, from down the tunnel, "Come, down! You won't get hurt!" I decided to trust in Jordan's words. I jumped down the hole, and found air rushing past me. It only lasted a few seconds, but the adrenaline was AWSOME! Then I landed in the water in a cannonball.
As soon as I reached the surface, I gasped and shouted, "Whoo! Who's up for round two?" But Jordan was already out of the water; in fact he was up on an edge he wasn't supposed to reach yet.
"Jump!" he said. I shrugged and jumped. Somehow, I landed up on the ledge.
I saw another giant spider web. This time I decided to use my sword and try to cut it. It didn't work, and neither did jumping this time. So I set Jordan on it and said, "Unleash the power within!" he made a serious face and then…farted. The web caught fire…somehow…
I jumped down the new hole again, and this time it wasn't as fun. As soon as we reached the bank I heard that enemy music again.
"Deku Shrubs!" Jordan shouted. I dug into Jordan's backpack and pulled out his gym socks. I thew one into two of the tree Dekus' mouths.
"Uncle!" shouted the last one. Then he ran off a cliff.
"Ookaaay…" I said. We walked up to a door, it seemed to have a keyhole in it, and there seemed to be no doorknobs. "I guess we need a special key for this door." I said. Then the door fell, obviously poorly built. "Or not." I corrected myself.
We walked into the eerily darkened room. It reminded me of a horror movie I'd once seen.
"Queen Gohma's in this room." I reminded him. Then the one-eyed spider creature came out. I screamed.
"Don't worry!" Jordan said, taking out a slingshot, "I'll take care of this!"
"Where'd you get that?" I asked.
"Unn…Internet?" He answered. I shrugged. He put a rock in it and aimed, hitting it straight in the eye. Gohma die.
"Wow! How'd you kill it so fast?" I asked. He shrugged this time. There was a piece of heart lying on the ground. If we could get it I would make us be able to withstand four times as much damage as a regular human. Of course, we weren't regular humans already.
I raced towards the piece of heart, but Jordan reached it first. Though, my hearts went up too.
"Weird." I commented. Then I walked into the beam of light. I was pulled up into the air, and transported out of the Deku Tree. Jordan soon followed.
"Good job you two!" the Deku tree commented, "I knew you'd be able to carry out my wishes. Now listen, an evil redheaded guy put this curse on me, because he wanted the flippin' Triforce! And I'm sorry to report, I will not be living much longer because of this guy." There was a look of absolute horror upon the childrens' faces; "the fate of the world relies on you two." I looked at Jordan who was picking his nose, "You two must find the girl who is actually Princess Zelda. You'll find her in your school. " I gasped. Actually meet the real Princess Zelda? How cool this mission would be! "Here is the Spiritual stone that you'll need." Then a green stone levitated in the air, I jumped for it, but Jordan got to it first. I frowned. "Good…Bye…"
The Deku tree's bark turned gray, and he froze completely. He was gone. I looked at my watch.
"Jordan! It's already 3:50!" I shouted, "School's already over!"
"How'd that happen?" he asked. I shrugged.
I got home with my backpack, and no one suspected a thing. Jordan already forged some doctor's notes for tomorrow. This whole thing, I knew was real. So why did it feel like a dream?