This story is dedicated to every single Rusher who's depressed, lonely, self-harming, invisible etc. I want you guys to know you're all beautiful and Big Time Rush loves you with all your heart. No matter what you do, you're beautiful. There's no name for this character because it represents the broken Rushers who looks at Big Time Rush with hope. Before you bash on me, I know what it feels like. I'm still unstable but I'm healing and these four boys became my support system all through the time I was self harming.
I eyed the blade with a frown. I just stopped my wrist from bleeding and I was craving for another slice on my skin.
It was always like this, I would cry then cut before actually feeling the self-loathing.
I deserved every single cut that was decorating my body.
"Sweetheart, Big Time Rush is on TV!" I heard my mom yell from downstairs.
The mere mention of my favorite band made my emotions do a complete 180.
I pulled down the long sleeves of my sweater before racing down the flight of stairs and dropping on the living room couch. I gripped the remote control with such excitement as I watched the starting credits.
Oh oh oh oh oooh
One by one, they showed my four favorite boys. The boys who made life worth living.
I sang along to their theme song and none of my family members tried to bother me. They knew I love Big Time Rush and they simply think it's just a phase.
But it's not. I'll never let them escape my heart.
I've watched this episode a hundred times already but I never got tired of this. I mouthed the lines with the character who was speaking on the television screen.
Sadly, after twenty-five minutes, the episode was over. The TV was spewing out nonsense commercial that I never paid attention to so I just turned off my TV.
Nick was crap, Big Time Rush deserved something much more better than a stupid network who was naturally dragging them down.
A kid's band, that's what they call the four boys who saved my life.
"Honey, it's time to eat dinner," My mom said but I only shook my head.
"I already ate," Lie.
My mother nodded without a question. I always tell her I already ate but I haven't even touched a single edible thing since this morning.
I don't want to gain weight and be called fat.
I made my way back into my room and closed the door behind me. The blade was still sitting on the floor where I dropped it when my mom called me.
Picking it up and examined the blood staining the shiny metal, I threw it into the waste bin.
What I needed was sleep but I couldn't, I'll end up with nightmares once again.
Taking my iPod from my bedside table, I started playing my BTR playlist. Their voices were my lullabies.
"Ugly."
"Fat."
"Whore."
"Slut."
"Bitch."
Ah, another fun day of high school. I opened my locker and as usual, some childish idiots stuffed it with some disgusting object.
For today it was bubble gum. Oh how mature they are for a bunch of sixteen year olds.
Not.
I didn't even bother on cleaning it up, they'll probably mess with my locker again tomorrow. I grabbed my bocks and started walking to my first class.
When I entered the lab, I sat alone at the farthest table located at the corner of the room. We had partners for this class but nobody wanted to become my partner, my teacher didn't even stopped the bullying. They were insulting me behind my back too.
At lunch, I ate alone. Well, if you even consider it eating.
A steaming bowl of noodles was placed in front of me but I didn't touch it. My earphones was shoved into my ear as it blared a Big Time Rush song while I was currently reading another issue Popstar.
They seriously need to put my boys in more magazines. It's starting to get filled with a bunch of untalented idiots.
While flipping through the pages, I felt an extremely cold sensation. I shot up from my seat, effectively tugging out my earphones from my ears and gasped at the sudden change of temperature.
Taunting laughs erupted and I stared at the girl who just dumped ice cold water on me. She had a smug smirk on my face and I bit my lips to prevent a sob from escaping.
I did not want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry.
Gathering my stuff, I raced out of the cafeteria as fast as I can. I hated school, I hate those bullies, I hated life.
It's extremely hard to cut when your boys are staring back at you.
I'm currently sitting at the middle of my room with another blade in my hand but a force was stopping me from slicing my skin once again.
A force called Big Time Rush.
My poster that was hung on my wall perfectly was looking at me, giving me hope.
I already disappointed them enough. They said I was beautiful yet I know I wasn't.
My phone beeped signaling that one of the boys tweeted. I picked it up and started tapping on my screen furiously, praying that I get noticed.
No surprise when they completely ignored me… again.
Strangely enough, I couldn't feel anything negative about them. I love them too damn much.
On twitter, I socialize with a lot of other Rushers. They were just like me, they held to Big Time Rush with a special meaning. They'll go through the ends of the earth just to see those perfect lips lift into a blinding smile.
Cover Girl, that's what they call me. No matter how much I want to deny it, I can't. They make me feel special when I was worthless.
You're so pretty that it hurts
Kendall's voice placed a soothing effect on me. That specific line can make me believe a lie.
A lie that says I'm pretty.
Not only does my arms are full of scars but also my legs. I can't wear shorts or skirts, people will realize.
They'll realize that I'm a suicidal freak; they'll think I'm only doing this for attention.
I'm not, I'm desperately crying out for help.
"It's time to eat!" my mom called out as usual. I replied again, like the basic routine.
"I already ate."
As on cue, my stomach growled loudly but I ignored it. I don't deserve to eat; I don't deserve anything.
I glanced at the mirror and almost cried at what I saw.
What I saw was a monster. Her hair was a mess, she had scars all over her body and it visible that she was crumbling to pieces.
Yet the fact she was hurting wasn't visible to the ignorant mind.
I looked terrible and this was a natural occurrence.
Even at your worst, you're still the best
I didn't even realized that the song that was playing from my iPod changed. I smiled, only Big Time Rush can make me smile.
They gave me that little drop of hope.
Their hearts of gold makes me feel selfish every time I try to end my life, their comedic relief makes me laugh on the saddest days and the mere thought of them can brighten up my day.
I glanced back at my poster with a contented sigh. They have never noticed me, they have never met me yet I was still hopeful.
I was just one Rusher in a million but that's alright because I knew they love all of their Rushers.
I was one of those Rushers they love.
Big Time Rush, my babies, my boys and my angels.
I locked away the blade in the medicine cabinet of my en suite before laying down on my bed.
The taunts will never leave, I've accepted that.
Kendall, James, Carlos and Logan will be the crutches I need for support.
Continuing through my playlist of Big Time Rush songs, I slowly drifted into sleep.
They're all that I need for now and forever.
If you ever need somebody to talk to, I'm always here for you.