1 Please Don't Panic
1.1 One: The 'Plot' Thickens
The zebra striped van pulled up to its destination after a mere five hours of searching for it. Before it stood 227 Laurence Ave in all its glory. "It's a giant fucking Wal-Mart!" Aslan fumed staring ahead aghast, "I fucking hate Wal-Mart! They killed Woolco."
All but one of the brunnette's companions looked confused. The tall dark haired young man scratched his head, "Woolco?"
With a sigh Aslan's supernatural partner in crime Krac rolled her eyes. "It was a Canadian chain store. They sold wool among other things- kind of like a Canadian version of Wal-Mart-who bought them out when they went tits up-much like Eaton's."
"Huh?" the young man still looked confused, "How about we find this Sugarplum Sexpot chick."
"How do you propose we do that?" Giles asked archly.
Cordy rolled her eyes peevishly, "Gee, I don't know…ask?" She suited words to action by stalking over to a nearby redhead and inquiring quite politely but in a louder than appropriate voice, "Are you Sugarplum Sexpot?"
In response the startled woman drew back her hand and slapped Cordy full across the face. With a huff she turned away muttering, "Weirdo."
From their vantage point the rest of the gang chuckled. The group fanned out to look for their new charge, Oz and Xander teamed up, as did Cordy and Wesley while Nate was followed by Angel-pretending not to notice that the vampire was holding his hand.
Deciding the assignment was beneath him Spike lit a cigarette and leaned against the wall. After a few moments Giles took up a spot on the wall beside him as cries of 'Pervert!" reverberated through the early morning hours.
From afar, Krac and Aslan watched with glee-never before had they been blessed with so many lackeys who were ready and willing to make asses of themselves on command. Immediately the reason why came to mind and Aslan nodded sagely as Nate was slapped once more, "With great power comes great responsibility."
Both Immortals could see that allowing their minions to be further abused would be cruel albeit uproariously entertaining. So they waited only ten more minutes before stalking into the Devil's personal chain store - literally that Satan is one cheap bastard. They made it inside the doors only to be accosted by one of the overzealous and uber-caffinated greeters, "Hidey-ho fellow shoppers! Welcome to Wal-Mart! Would you like a cart?"
"Do I look like I want a cart?" Aslan glared, "I mean even if I did want one of your stupid fucking carts you'd just give me the shitty one anyway."
"Cart issues?" Cordy grinned appearing at their sides her abused cheeks giving her the appearance of a bloated chipmunk.
The Cart pusher blinked. Then blinked again as Krac tilted her head to look at her partner. "You know Aslan there is a glow about you that says 'Please give me your wounded and downtrodden carts and I shall lead them to the Promised Land!' you are the America of wounded pets-and the odd dead one too."
"Is that your fancy way of saying I'm fat, bloated and full of my own self righteousness?" Aslan asked snidely.
"Yes," Krac responded simply turning back to the great pusher of carts, "Is the cart necessary to get into this den of sin or can we get past you without one? No? Then step aside cart-whore because we're on a mission."
Krac stomped past the startled man and headed straight for the courtesy desk where she manhandled the intercom from a big haired, truck-stop banged bottle blonde- not unlike Buffy the vampire layer. Suddenly throughout the store rang Krac's dulcet tones demanding that one Sugarplum Sexpot come immediately to the front desk.
Leaning against the counter Krac drummed her fingers on it's surface-it took Aslan five minutes to slap her partner's hands to stop the incessant noise. Finally after twenty minutes, the store began to shake. Then a fiery portal opened at the Immortal's feet. When the flames died out they were confronted with the most heinous sight Aslan's eyes had beheld since she had been forced to wax Genghis Khan's eyebrow and back hair.
A tiny wiener dog sat before them dressed in the skin of an orange tabby cat long since dead and a frilly pink tutu. The whole ensemble was topped off with a blonde wig with trailing pink ribbons. Aslan took several steps away from the creature, "Jebus!"
Krac grinned then knelt to pet the thing, "Hey Sugar aren't you a pretty kitty?"
"Kitty? Krac are you mental?" Aslan snorted.
Rising Krac lead her partner by the arm out of the cat's earshot, "You remember how I used to freelance for Satan, right?"
"Yeah weren't you trying to make the son of a certain someone jealous?" Aslan prodded her memory.
Whispering Krac tried not to grimace at the barb about her relationship skills. "Well that thing is Satan's 'kitty'. He's pretty nuts about it…as nuts as he gets about anything other than his bong or finding new ways to punish lawyers that they can't slip out of…believe me hell has become such a bureaucratic…hellhole…what happened to the good old days were you could just maim and torture everyone that got sent there?"
"Well your buddy Satan let the civil servants take over so that he could surf. But you mean to tell me that he's actually smoking enough weed to think that-thing is a cat?" Aslan hissed.
"The important part of it all is that it thinks it's a cat." Krac shushed, "So in the name of all that is holy find it in your heart to pretend the thing is a fucking cat."
"Fine but if it gets up on me I might just have to kill it." Aslan warned- then it dawned on her, "You knew! You knew who Sugarplum Sexpot was and didn't tell us?"
Krac nodded but before she could say anything further on the subject a deep voice reminiscent of Barry White's boomed out, "Can we hurry this up bitches I need to get my nails done before the pageant."
"Bitches?" Aslan growled getting ready to feast on wiener dog and forgetting Krac's lack of disclosure.
"You know there's a good place just down the road that I usually go to…it's out of the way so I have to have an early lunch but it's worth it for Eduardo's art." Cordy piped up.
"How often do you take early lunches, Cordy?" Angel furrowed his caveman brow but his attention was quickly diverted as Nate spun in a small circle trying to get the 'Bite me' sign Spike had plastered on his back off before the other vampire noticed it. Drool formed on the corners of his mouth as he watched Nate's skirt fan his hairy knees, "Hellooo Nurse!"
"Please don't do that." Nate begged catching the lustful glare, "Let's just go to the nail place and get this pageant thing over with so I can hide."
Angel shook off Nate's spell long enough to make a broody face, and came back to the conversation, "Is that where you disappear to for three hours a day?"
Cordy tried to look innocent-tried but didn't succeed, "No…Do I look like the type of person who would shirk my duty?"
"Yes," Krac answered with a smile, "Actually that's one of your better qualities. So, Sugarplum we'll go get your nails done and head over to the portal and get this show on the road. You do know where the portal is for this right?"
The wiener-cat made a face, "Do I look stupid, bitch? Just hurry up I can't think with cuticles like this! If I don't get a manicure stat I will lay a smack-down on the ugly bitch in the green dress."
"What!" Nate shrieked, "Why not Krac?"
The dog/cat shook its head sending its pink ribbons ruffling, "Do I look dumb as you do, Ugly Bitch? I've watched the Crazy Bitch work for the boss…"
"Then what about, Aslan?" Nate looked desperate.
Sugarplum winced and backed away remembering the name, "No."
"Why not?" Nate stomped his foot petulantly.
Krac smiled widely, "There was an incident after a specific Ides of March, Aslan was upset over the sentence of he-who-should-not-be-named-because-I- hate-him."
"Who?" Nate asked looking at Aslan who was growing white faced either from rage or intense rage- it was hard to tell.
"Thin ice Nate," Aslan gritted through her teeth, "Leave it alone."
"Yeah," Sugarplum was eyeing the immortal warily, "She's not a cat person. But this ain't getting my nails done, Ugly Bitch."
Angel moved closer to the dumbstruck messenger and placed a clammy hand on his shoulder, "Don't worry, Sweet Pea…You are so beautiful to me."
Wesley lifted his hands to his ears, "Please tell me he isn't going to sing again…"
"Is that so bad, Wesley?" Giles asked wondering why the hell he was needed here-hoping vainly that he would be excused to hide amongst Aslan's books.
With a shudder both Cordy and Wesley nodded remembering a certain night and some very painful Barry Manilow-as if that wasn't painful without adding Angel's singing.
"Well that tears it," Krac clapped picking up Sugarplum in her arms making a face at the smell of the cat skin and the cheap perfume mixed with brimstone used to cover up the smell. "Off we go."
************************************************
"Is this it?" Aslan glared jumping out of the van with an extremely pissed off air. Four fucking hours for the bitches to get their nails done and the immortal was not a happy camper. Patience thy name was not Aslan. Without waiting for an affirmative, Aslan turned to the van and demanded irritably "Everybody out! Now!"
"It's a…"
"A fucking McDonald's. Yes, I know Krac. It's a portal…" Aslan glared, then continued with a patronizing drawl… "No one expects you to eat here. We go in, we cross and then we get this stupidity over with!"
"STUPIDITY?" Sugarplum squealed. "Listen to me you crazy large pored unexfoliated cat hating bitc…" The beruffled dog stopped short as Aslan knelt and grabbed it by the throat.
"No, please continue." Aslan hissed sounding more like a cat than the creature in her hands. "I've had a bad day, bitch. And if you want to play with me, let's go Puppy. I'm ready for you."
"As, you do realize you're threatening a do-err…cat? Do we need to up the dosage again? Or do you just want a time out?" Krac grinned.
Aslan dropped the dog and stalked to her colleague. "Who wasted the last three hours getting a massage?"
"But I was supporting Sven's college fund…How could you call that a waste?" Krac returned innocently.
Before Aslan could answer the dog spoke up with its Barry White imitation…
"Who are you calling a dog, bitch?"
Aslan's head whirled in an uncanny imitation of Linda Blair in the exorcist causing everyone pause- "You. Bitch, wanna make something of it?"
If dogs pretending to be cats could pale- Sugarplum would be a shade deader than Spike. "No, Baby. We're cool. We're all cool, except for Ugly Bitch. Nothing in this world short of a lobotomy or a good plastic surgeon could impart that with cool."
"Hey!" Nate cried in dismay, "What is this? National Pick-On-Nate-Day?"
"Actually, no. It's International/interdimensional Pick-On-Nate-Day." Krac responded checking her watch and then turning to her partner with a sunny grin. "As, I know why you're all crusty!"
"Aside from the obvious?" Aslan retorted prissily. "That I've been shackled to you for all eternity, or that I've suffered this foolishness all day?"
Krac grinned… "You make that sound like it's a bad thing."
"Bite me, Crazy bitch." Aslan retorted in a scarily familiar bass.
"Aww…you're so cute when you're suffering from withdrawal!" Krac giggled.
"Cute?" Sugarplum muttered. "That bitch is one scary chick."
"Withdrawal?" Nate gasped horrified. "Aslan! You're a druggie! Oh, my god the world is ending! Hold me big guy!" Angel launched himself at the quivering Immortal.
Krac ignored Nate's theatrics to stare at her partner. "Somebody needs a Pepsi. Herpes, peel yourself off the deadguy and go get us a couple of Pepsi's."
"You're standing in front of a MickeyD's, Giptard. Go get it yourself!" Nate responded.
"Giptard? I don't think so monkey boy!" Krac pointed at the other Immortal's rear end. Within seconds a long furry brown tail peeped its way out from under the frills of his green dress. Krac smiled malevolently at Nate's obvious displeasure, "Listen up; you can either get frisky with your boytoy with all his dangly bits attached or when he fits into an ashtray after Aslan kills him with a toothpick. Besides Ugly Bitch, everybody knows McDonald's is affiliated with Coke a far inferior beverage than 'the Pepsi.' So get your ass moving, bitch. Or the next dress you get will be pink with orange polka dots."
"Eep!" Nate squealed. "Where?"
"C'mon Sweet Pea, we'll handle this just like we do everything else…"
"With Violence, bloodshed and torture?" Krac questioned enthusiastically, looking suddenly interested in 'the great Pepsi search.'
Angel growled at the Immortal. "NO!" Before turning happily to Nate. "Together, Sugarplum."
"Leave me out of anything you got goin' on with Ugly Bitch, Broody Dead Bitch. I'm not interested. 'Cause I may be a Freak, but I'm not a Superfreak." The wiener cat whined, which provoked another Angel sigh.
"Come along, my treasure. We have things to do and places to be." Angel motioned to Ugly Bitch- errr…Nate.
"No way, Broody Dead Bitch. You two go nowhere alone." Aslan glared. "We don't have time to waste bailing you idiots out of jail."
Krac laughed. "Aww, Come on As, what kind of trouble could those two get into?"
"Krac what do the words lewd, lascivious acts and indecent exposure bring to mind?" Aslan pointed out helpfully.
Krac blushed to the roots of her hair and looked about ready to retch. "Spike, accompany the boys please."
"Oi! Hell no! I'm not a part of this fruitcake patrol."
"Alright." Krac agreed. "Xander…" Spike crowed joyfully as Xander seemed ready to weep… "And Spike, head on out. If they get arrested you'll be punished too. Believe me if someone doesn't bring a Pepsi soon there'll be punishment enough for everyone-you may think Aslan losing it is a fun idea but I know better."
The boys sulked. Xander stuck out his lower lip and looked at Krac, "Why can't you go?"
"Whiny Bitch," Sugarplum drawled from his/her place in Cordy's arms, "How stupid are you that you would argue with them? I take it you haven't listened to anything they've said or done since you met them have you? Krac- Bitch destroyed an ENTIRE continent because she was curious…"
"And bored," Krac piped up, "Do you have any idea how dull utopia is? Everything was perfect…no chaos…No anarchy…No fun. I did them a favor…that last hour before we sank was the best ever! Everybody running all over the place, the free love, the rioting, the looting…"
"Don't forget the drunkenness and the very good drugs," Aslan replied remembering the day vividly.
Krac furrowed her brows, "What would you know about good drugs? You freaked out when I gave you a crushed up baby Tylenol in apple sauce!"
"Ooh…yeah I can see why you guys are so scary," Cordy rolled her eyes, "With the babbling and the tangents and making no sense and the way you couldn't come to a point even if you tripped over it and impaled yourself…"
Krac leveled a curious gaze at her partner, "Is it just me, As…Or was that an insult?"
Aslan smirked, "Actually, I think that was about six insults rolled into one. How very economical of you, Cordelia."
Cordy preened under the perceived compliment, as the wiener cat sighed in disgust. "Where did you rake up these Yahoos?"
"Our last stop actually." Aslan replied with a wary look at Krac who was conspicuous in her silence- which did not bode well for anyone. A silent Krac was like dynamite on a very, 'very' short fuse. The Immortal backed up a few paces to get out of the splatter radius.
"ENOUGH!" Krac howled as her clothing changed to that of a police uniform in the blink of an eye and a very long nightstick appeared in her hand. Moving faster than the human eye could follow she brought the weapon down on the hood of the car beside her, her entire body shuddering painfully at the contact. "JESUS! Aslan haven't we discussed this before- never; ever let me hit things when I'm mad. I don't know my own strength." She hissed tossing the murder weapon to a stunned Cordy as the car alarm let off one startled squall before the entire front end of the unfortunate vehicular victim collapsed.
In response to the brief call for help the cars owner appeared from within the bowels of the artery clogging cesspool and shrieked in horror as a final tendril of smoke erupted from his vehicle. "Oh My God!"
"Where?" Krac cried in horror as she dropped to the ground with her hands held protectively over her face.
Aslan sighed as she threw a glance at Cordelia. "Yeah…I can see why you don't fear us. Like the Canadian armed forces we were once a force to be reckoned with, now we're just a very bad joke. It's been a series of very, long, very bad days. Things have got to get better, right? Like Wynonna says once you hit rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up or sideways…and I think we've hit a wall with the whole sideways thing…any day now we'll start heading up." The brunette moved towards her partner wincing slightly at her behavior. "Up, Crazy bitch…" Aslan blushed as her gaze swept over the young man whose car Krac had just destroyed as his expression shifted from shocked to just plain pissed… "I mean nice police officer person…" Aslan whispered softly "You know God can't come within 1000 yards of you, you still have that restraining order on her, remember?"
"Well, she fights like Joan Collins on crack…dirty, cheating, nail scratching, eye-gouging bitch. No mother ever believes another woman is good enough for her son but she took it to extremes!"
Aslan snorted in a truly inelegant fashion. "Right, all you did was suggest that 'maybe' he was working for the wrong team. You know evil being more lucrative and all."
"Well, it is…" Krac whined.
"If you have no heart, soul or conscience…or happen to be boffing the devil himself." Aslan rejoined cattily.
"You're never going to let me live that down are you!" Krac bellowed in a voice that could bring down empires and sink continents but had no visible affect on her exasperated colleague.
"No." Aslan responded, easily talking over the young man who had since approached them and was yelling angrily at Cordy- who still held Krac's offending baton. "Those who forget their mistakes end up repeating them…and we can not afford for you to repeat any of your mistakes – you've already lost your filter, next thing you know they'll be magically hacking off parts of your anatomy."
Krac shuddered theatrically remembering the Roman general (no not him again, the other one)…who magically became a eunuch overnight because of his penchant for ogling a little too enthusiastically the female PTB's.
As Krac ruminated in silence over all the horrifying (not to mention sadistic) punishments the PTB had or could mete out, Aslan turned to the distressed automobile owner. "What's your problem?"
"What's my problem? What the hell happened to my car?" the man shrieked, not unlike Nate after an attack of Angelus's octopus hands. Aslan found it rather reassuring, this she could deal with.
"What car?" The immortal looked around expectantly.
"That car!" the man howled nearly pulling his hair out in frustration.
"I don't know." Aslan replied with a beatific smile. "You really should take better care of your belongings." The young man continued to rant and swear up a blue streak until he wore himself out. "Do you need change for the bus?"
With a dazed expression the young man nodded carefully, like it caused him great pain to do so. "Krac give him all your change." Aslan growled with a glare.
"What? Why me…" With an almost imperceptible head bob towards the heap of metal that used to be a working vehicle, and a laser glare Krac quickly acquiesced. With the young man heading dazedly away from them, Aslan turned to her partner. "You better fix it, now."
Krac gasped. "In front of all these people…Someone'll notice!"
"I don't want to end up in jail, Idiot. Fix the damn car before, Buddy there comes out of the whammy I just pulled on him."
"You put the 'whammy' on him?" Krac giggled. "Smooth move there, As. You must be way out of practice…"
"There was no time for finesse…fix it and let's get the hell out of Dodge. And change back, impersonating a police officer is still a crime you know…" Aslan growled.
"Who's impersonating anything? I was the number one officer in Satan's service, I still have my badge you know…Wanna see it?"
"You still…what? No, Krac put it back and fix the car before everything goes to hell in a hand basket! I mean, I know you've got a standing invitation and all but he's still got issues with me and If that bastard sticks me with babysitting Richard Simmons again, I'll burn down his stash," Aslan snapped her fingers… "Like that! Without a second thought!"
"Hey!" Sugarplum glowered coming quickly to the defense of her master… "That's for medicinal purposes only! Heartless bitch, making D live in pain. I'll scratch your squinty little eyes out first."
Aslan guffawed. "Medicinal my ass! He's the devil!"
"Exactly, Psychobitch! Being the devil is hard work. All pain no gain. Everybody fears him, most hate him…The rest are only in it for what he can do for them…It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it. And D does his job with style and class. What? Are you jealous?"
Aslan sat down in the middle of the sidewalk and laughed until the hilarity of the moment passed. "Style and Class? Don't you mean Stoned on his ass? Doesn't he own controlling shares in Doritos and Snickers by now?"
The wiener cat growled throatily as she advanced on the sitting Immortal, "Take that back, freak…or you'll need a seeing eye dog!"
Aslan grinned. "What? You volunteering, Sugar?"
Krac grabbed the confused canine as it launched itself at her partner with a frighteningly catlike yowl of rage. Holding the struggling animal she flicked her wrist at the car correcting the damage done in her earlier rage. "What'd we say about teasing the Client, As?"
"Not to…" The brunette looked chagrined. With a beseeching expression she offered an olive branch to the still wriggling and hissing Wiener cat. "I'm sorry Doggy, can you ever forgive me?" Okay, a rotten, deformed and dying olive branch. Nobody's perfect.
Forestalling further argument, Nate bounded back to Aslan's side and with a solicitousness akin to asskissing helped the Immortal stand. "Hey, where have you guys been? Getting out while the getting's good, eh boys? We almost had a situation here?" Krac glanced from her partner to the pissed dog in her arms… "Umm…make that a situation or two."
Nate traded bemused looks with his accomplices, "We went to get Pepsi, remember?"
"Pepsi? Why didn't you tell us! We would've had you get us some too! That's why Aslan's acting so bitchy, it's withdrawal!" Krac pouted.
"Oh My God!" Cordelia moaned, as Krac shuddered and looked around anxiously. "The two of you have raised obliviousness to an artform. They. Went. To. Get. The. Pepsi. For. You. Your orders remember now, Nutjob? Christ, can I go home before you infect me with your stupidity?"
"For me?" Aslan exclaimed happily taking the dark nectar as Nate handed it over.
"You think we're stupid? You obviously never met Riley. That boy didn't have enough brain cells to kill."
"Ahh…that's better. Brain cells coming back online…I.Q. rising. Here Krac, quick before you make Bunny look like a mental giant."
Aslan passed her partner the can and waited as she guzzled the last of the sweet black nectar of the gods. "Whew…That was close. I'm so glad we replaced the original nectar with Pepsi, that other shit was swill."
"May we remind you ladies that we have a portal to find and a…uhh…pageant to rig." Wesley interrupted calmly.
"Of course you can, Wes." Krac responded sweetly, ignoring Sugarplum's squawk of outrage over the idea that anyone would need to rig the pageant for her to win. "If you don't mind me asking where did you Watcher types wandered off to earlier?"
"Why don't you handle that, Mr. Giles?" Wesley gestured expansively towards his companion.
Giles stuttered uncomfortably, glaring at his fellow ex-watcher. "Well, I was browsing in the bookstore window, while Wesley here simply wanted to pretend he didn't know you."
Wesley whipped his head towards Giles with a shocked air. "Rupert!"
"Really…" Krac purred. "Someone needs punished. You agree, As?"
"Whatever." Aslan replied bored. "If I wasn't so intimately involved in this shit, I'd pretend I didn't know us too."
"Punished?" Wesley squeaked.
"Yes…Watcher? Surely, someone as educated as yourself can understand that concept? Or am I giving you too much credit here?"
Wesley scrunched in on himself as he waited for the immortal to strike. When nothing followed but an amused giggle from the Shebeast he opened his eyes to glare at the confounding woman. Only to be met with the sight of Cordelia, staring blankly, moving conceivably at Krac's whim as the immortal moved her hands in graceful arcs. Wesley discreetly cleared his throat, gaining the Immortal's eagele-eyed glare. "I thought you were going to punish me?"
"Don't sound so eager, Wes. You can take your turn later." Krac glared at the brunette snared in her trap… "I owe her for that stupid comment from earlier. Taking advantage of our infirmities to land a low blow…I'm not impressed."
"Are you ever impressed?" Giles let go a long-suffering sigh as if he and not Aslan had been saddled with Krac for eternity.
Distracted from her chore of licking the inside of the Pepsi can Aslan smiled. "Not often. It's hard to impress someone who has seen everything. But I'd say a surefire way to get a second look would be if you were made of a narcotic substance or even if you had access to large amounts of said substance. Well, you'd get her attention. At least long enough for her to steal the substance from you and leave you vaguely confused but very happy after she'd moved on…either because you're no longer interesting or something new has piqued her interest. Krac has a very short attention span."
"What?" Krac turned her attention back to the conversation.
Sugarplum huffed eyeing the Immortals, "That's what she did to D."
Screwing up her nose Krac laughed, "I did a LOT of things to D but if we want to keep our PG13 rating I can't mention any of them. But how did we start on that?"
"We were talking about your ADD." Aslan explained watching Angel pull on Nate's tail lovingly as Spike, Xander and Oz laughed at the sight.
"Cool," Krac grinned widely, "But I don't have any. You carrying, As? I knew that eventually life with me would catch up to you and you'd seek release…"
"No!" Aslan groaned, "ADD-Attention Deficit Disorder? Not drugs, although they are starting to sound appealing. You don't need any more drugs."
"What does Attention Deficit Disorder have to do with you giving me drugs?" Krac sighed looking to the others for assistance.
Rapidly Aslan's left eye began to twitch and if this had been a cartoon smoke surely would have billowed from her ears. Laughing Spike pointed at the Immortal, "Now who's got a chimp in their head?"
Cautiously the group watched Aslan for signs of an explosion, slowly her color returned to normal and she began humming to herself in a distracted manner. As she rubbed her hands together in an eerie impression of Mr. Burns; Nate gestured to the McDonald's before them. "Why don't we catch our portal and continue this in the Otherworld?"
A smile lit Krac's face; "Alright last one through has to bathe Sugarplum."
With a collective gasp of horror everyone except Sugarplum rushed toward the Mickey D's entrance, leaving a still stunned Aslan standing in the middle of the sidewalk.
"C'mon Crazy, Cat-Hating bitch…I stink of sulfur. We'll need at least an hour or two to get rid of the stench and it'll take at least that long for you to dry and shave me. Plus you'll have to do my hair and make-up. I have rules, Crazybitch. You keep your hands to yourself…no hanky panky. I know I'm irresistable- we've had problems with the help before and you're the obsessive type…" The wiener cat's eyes narrowed. "And I'm not into that shit." Then the dog's expression relaxed. "And I only use Dove soap, it's better for my complection and it's ¼ moisturizing crème. Oh, you better be careful with my ears too, crazy bitch- they're sensitive. And no one, I mean no one touches my tail but D…"
As the Weiner cat continued it's litany of orders Aslan walked unsteadily towards the waiting building that housed their portal and pondered the horrors of eternal life. Because at the moment it seemed to be a lot more like eternal damnation.
Without a backward glance Aslan crossed the threshold and closed the door in Sugarplum's face. Immediately the Wiener cat started to houl. "Crazy Bitch, I see what you're doing don't think I'm fooled!" Waiting expectantly for the door to open, Sugarplum fumed clacking her nails against the concrete. "Hey, hey Krac-bitch, the Psycho-bitch locked me out!"
Moments later Krac opened the door and picked up their lost charge. "I'm not letting that Bitch near me and water with a ten foot pole."
Krac nodded sagely. "I think that's wise."
1.1 One: The 'Plot' Thickens
The zebra striped van pulled up to its destination after a mere five hours of searching for it. Before it stood 227 Laurence Ave in all its glory. "It's a giant fucking Wal-Mart!" Aslan fumed staring ahead aghast, "I fucking hate Wal-Mart! They killed Woolco."
All but one of the brunnette's companions looked confused. The tall dark haired young man scratched his head, "Woolco?"
With a sigh Aslan's supernatural partner in crime Krac rolled her eyes. "It was a Canadian chain store. They sold wool among other things- kind of like a Canadian version of Wal-Mart-who bought them out when they went tits up-much like Eaton's."
"Huh?" the young man still looked confused, "How about we find this Sugarplum Sexpot chick."
"How do you propose we do that?" Giles asked archly.
Cordy rolled her eyes peevishly, "Gee, I don't know…ask?" She suited words to action by stalking over to a nearby redhead and inquiring quite politely but in a louder than appropriate voice, "Are you Sugarplum Sexpot?"
In response the startled woman drew back her hand and slapped Cordy full across the face. With a huff she turned away muttering, "Weirdo."
From their vantage point the rest of the gang chuckled. The group fanned out to look for their new charge, Oz and Xander teamed up, as did Cordy and Wesley while Nate was followed by Angel-pretending not to notice that the vampire was holding his hand.
Deciding the assignment was beneath him Spike lit a cigarette and leaned against the wall. After a few moments Giles took up a spot on the wall beside him as cries of 'Pervert!" reverberated through the early morning hours.
From afar, Krac and Aslan watched with glee-never before had they been blessed with so many lackeys who were ready and willing to make asses of themselves on command. Immediately the reason why came to mind and Aslan nodded sagely as Nate was slapped once more, "With great power comes great responsibility."
Both Immortals could see that allowing their minions to be further abused would be cruel albeit uproariously entertaining. So they waited only ten more minutes before stalking into the Devil's personal chain store - literally that Satan is one cheap bastard. They made it inside the doors only to be accosted by one of the overzealous and uber-caffinated greeters, "Hidey-ho fellow shoppers! Welcome to Wal-Mart! Would you like a cart?"
"Do I look like I want a cart?" Aslan glared, "I mean even if I did want one of your stupid fucking carts you'd just give me the shitty one anyway."
"Cart issues?" Cordy grinned appearing at their sides her abused cheeks giving her the appearance of a bloated chipmunk.
The Cart pusher blinked. Then blinked again as Krac tilted her head to look at her partner. "You know Aslan there is a glow about you that says 'Please give me your wounded and downtrodden carts and I shall lead them to the Promised Land!' you are the America of wounded pets-and the odd dead one too."
"Is that your fancy way of saying I'm fat, bloated and full of my own self righteousness?" Aslan asked snidely.
"Yes," Krac responded simply turning back to the great pusher of carts, "Is the cart necessary to get into this den of sin or can we get past you without one? No? Then step aside cart-whore because we're on a mission."
Krac stomped past the startled man and headed straight for the courtesy desk where she manhandled the intercom from a big haired, truck-stop banged bottle blonde- not unlike Buffy the vampire layer. Suddenly throughout the store rang Krac's dulcet tones demanding that one Sugarplum Sexpot come immediately to the front desk.
Leaning against the counter Krac drummed her fingers on it's surface-it took Aslan five minutes to slap her partner's hands to stop the incessant noise. Finally after twenty minutes, the store began to shake. Then a fiery portal opened at the Immortal's feet. When the flames died out they were confronted with the most heinous sight Aslan's eyes had beheld since she had been forced to wax Genghis Khan's eyebrow and back hair.
A tiny wiener dog sat before them dressed in the skin of an orange tabby cat long since dead and a frilly pink tutu. The whole ensemble was topped off with a blonde wig with trailing pink ribbons. Aslan took several steps away from the creature, "Jebus!"
Krac grinned then knelt to pet the thing, "Hey Sugar aren't you a pretty kitty?"
"Kitty? Krac are you mental?" Aslan snorted.
Rising Krac lead her partner by the arm out of the cat's earshot, "You remember how I used to freelance for Satan, right?"
"Yeah weren't you trying to make the son of a certain someone jealous?" Aslan prodded her memory.
Whispering Krac tried not to grimace at the barb about her relationship skills. "Well that thing is Satan's 'kitty'. He's pretty nuts about it…as nuts as he gets about anything other than his bong or finding new ways to punish lawyers that they can't slip out of…believe me hell has become such a bureaucratic…hellhole…what happened to the good old days were you could just maim and torture everyone that got sent there?"
"Well your buddy Satan let the civil servants take over so that he could surf. But you mean to tell me that he's actually smoking enough weed to think that-thing is a cat?" Aslan hissed.
"The important part of it all is that it thinks it's a cat." Krac shushed, "So in the name of all that is holy find it in your heart to pretend the thing is a fucking cat."
"Fine but if it gets up on me I might just have to kill it." Aslan warned- then it dawned on her, "You knew! You knew who Sugarplum Sexpot was and didn't tell us?"
Krac nodded but before she could say anything further on the subject a deep voice reminiscent of Barry White's boomed out, "Can we hurry this up bitches I need to get my nails done before the pageant."
"Bitches?" Aslan growled getting ready to feast on wiener dog and forgetting Krac's lack of disclosure.
"You know there's a good place just down the road that I usually go to…it's out of the way so I have to have an early lunch but it's worth it for Eduardo's art." Cordy piped up.
"How often do you take early lunches, Cordy?" Angel furrowed his caveman brow but his attention was quickly diverted as Nate spun in a small circle trying to get the 'Bite me' sign Spike had plastered on his back off before the other vampire noticed it. Drool formed on the corners of his mouth as he watched Nate's skirt fan his hairy knees, "Hellooo Nurse!"
"Please don't do that." Nate begged catching the lustful glare, "Let's just go to the nail place and get this pageant thing over with so I can hide."
Angel shook off Nate's spell long enough to make a broody face, and came back to the conversation, "Is that where you disappear to for three hours a day?"
Cordy tried to look innocent-tried but didn't succeed, "No…Do I look like the type of person who would shirk my duty?"
"Yes," Krac answered with a smile, "Actually that's one of your better qualities. So, Sugarplum we'll go get your nails done and head over to the portal and get this show on the road. You do know where the portal is for this right?"
The wiener-cat made a face, "Do I look stupid, bitch? Just hurry up I can't think with cuticles like this! If I don't get a manicure stat I will lay a smack-down on the ugly bitch in the green dress."
"What!" Nate shrieked, "Why not Krac?"
The dog/cat shook its head sending its pink ribbons ruffling, "Do I look dumb as you do, Ugly Bitch? I've watched the Crazy Bitch work for the boss…"
"Then what about, Aslan?" Nate looked desperate.
Sugarplum winced and backed away remembering the name, "No."
"Why not?" Nate stomped his foot petulantly.
Krac smiled widely, "There was an incident after a specific Ides of March, Aslan was upset over the sentence of he-who-should-not-be-named-because-I- hate-him."
"Who?" Nate asked looking at Aslan who was growing white faced either from rage or intense rage- it was hard to tell.
"Thin ice Nate," Aslan gritted through her teeth, "Leave it alone."
"Yeah," Sugarplum was eyeing the immortal warily, "She's not a cat person. But this ain't getting my nails done, Ugly Bitch."
Angel moved closer to the dumbstruck messenger and placed a clammy hand on his shoulder, "Don't worry, Sweet Pea…You are so beautiful to me."
Wesley lifted his hands to his ears, "Please tell me he isn't going to sing again…"
"Is that so bad, Wesley?" Giles asked wondering why the hell he was needed here-hoping vainly that he would be excused to hide amongst Aslan's books.
With a shudder both Cordy and Wesley nodded remembering a certain night and some very painful Barry Manilow-as if that wasn't painful without adding Angel's singing.
"Well that tears it," Krac clapped picking up Sugarplum in her arms making a face at the smell of the cat skin and the cheap perfume mixed with brimstone used to cover up the smell. "Off we go."
************************************************
"Is this it?" Aslan glared jumping out of the van with an extremely pissed off air. Four fucking hours for the bitches to get their nails done and the immortal was not a happy camper. Patience thy name was not Aslan. Without waiting for an affirmative, Aslan turned to the van and demanded irritably "Everybody out! Now!"
"It's a…"
"A fucking McDonald's. Yes, I know Krac. It's a portal…" Aslan glared, then continued with a patronizing drawl… "No one expects you to eat here. We go in, we cross and then we get this stupidity over with!"
"STUPIDITY?" Sugarplum squealed. "Listen to me you crazy large pored unexfoliated cat hating bitc…" The beruffled dog stopped short as Aslan knelt and grabbed it by the throat.
"No, please continue." Aslan hissed sounding more like a cat than the creature in her hands. "I've had a bad day, bitch. And if you want to play with me, let's go Puppy. I'm ready for you."
"As, you do realize you're threatening a do-err…cat? Do we need to up the dosage again? Or do you just want a time out?" Krac grinned.
Aslan dropped the dog and stalked to her colleague. "Who wasted the last three hours getting a massage?"
"But I was supporting Sven's college fund…How could you call that a waste?" Krac returned innocently.
Before Aslan could answer the dog spoke up with its Barry White imitation…
"Who are you calling a dog, bitch?"
Aslan's head whirled in an uncanny imitation of Linda Blair in the exorcist causing everyone pause- "You. Bitch, wanna make something of it?"
If dogs pretending to be cats could pale- Sugarplum would be a shade deader than Spike. "No, Baby. We're cool. We're all cool, except for Ugly Bitch. Nothing in this world short of a lobotomy or a good plastic surgeon could impart that with cool."
"Hey!" Nate cried in dismay, "What is this? National Pick-On-Nate-Day?"
"Actually, no. It's International/interdimensional Pick-On-Nate-Day." Krac responded checking her watch and then turning to her partner with a sunny grin. "As, I know why you're all crusty!"
"Aside from the obvious?" Aslan retorted prissily. "That I've been shackled to you for all eternity, or that I've suffered this foolishness all day?"
Krac grinned… "You make that sound like it's a bad thing."
"Bite me, Crazy bitch." Aslan retorted in a scarily familiar bass.
"Aww…you're so cute when you're suffering from withdrawal!" Krac giggled.
"Cute?" Sugarplum muttered. "That bitch is one scary chick."
"Withdrawal?" Nate gasped horrified. "Aslan! You're a druggie! Oh, my god the world is ending! Hold me big guy!" Angel launched himself at the quivering Immortal.
Krac ignored Nate's theatrics to stare at her partner. "Somebody needs a Pepsi. Herpes, peel yourself off the deadguy and go get us a couple of Pepsi's."
"You're standing in front of a MickeyD's, Giptard. Go get it yourself!" Nate responded.
"Giptard? I don't think so monkey boy!" Krac pointed at the other Immortal's rear end. Within seconds a long furry brown tail peeped its way out from under the frills of his green dress. Krac smiled malevolently at Nate's obvious displeasure, "Listen up; you can either get frisky with your boytoy with all his dangly bits attached or when he fits into an ashtray after Aslan kills him with a toothpick. Besides Ugly Bitch, everybody knows McDonald's is affiliated with Coke a far inferior beverage than 'the Pepsi.' So get your ass moving, bitch. Or the next dress you get will be pink with orange polka dots."
"Eep!" Nate squealed. "Where?"
"C'mon Sweet Pea, we'll handle this just like we do everything else…"
"With Violence, bloodshed and torture?" Krac questioned enthusiastically, looking suddenly interested in 'the great Pepsi search.'
Angel growled at the Immortal. "NO!" Before turning happily to Nate. "Together, Sugarplum."
"Leave me out of anything you got goin' on with Ugly Bitch, Broody Dead Bitch. I'm not interested. 'Cause I may be a Freak, but I'm not a Superfreak." The wiener cat whined, which provoked another Angel sigh.
"Come along, my treasure. We have things to do and places to be." Angel motioned to Ugly Bitch- errr…Nate.
"No way, Broody Dead Bitch. You two go nowhere alone." Aslan glared. "We don't have time to waste bailing you idiots out of jail."
Krac laughed. "Aww, Come on As, what kind of trouble could those two get into?"
"Krac what do the words lewd, lascivious acts and indecent exposure bring to mind?" Aslan pointed out helpfully.
Krac blushed to the roots of her hair and looked about ready to retch. "Spike, accompany the boys please."
"Oi! Hell no! I'm not a part of this fruitcake patrol."
"Alright." Krac agreed. "Xander…" Spike crowed joyfully as Xander seemed ready to weep… "And Spike, head on out. If they get arrested you'll be punished too. Believe me if someone doesn't bring a Pepsi soon there'll be punishment enough for everyone-you may think Aslan losing it is a fun idea but I know better."
The boys sulked. Xander stuck out his lower lip and looked at Krac, "Why can't you go?"
"Whiny Bitch," Sugarplum drawled from his/her place in Cordy's arms, "How stupid are you that you would argue with them? I take it you haven't listened to anything they've said or done since you met them have you? Krac- Bitch destroyed an ENTIRE continent because she was curious…"
"And bored," Krac piped up, "Do you have any idea how dull utopia is? Everything was perfect…no chaos…No anarchy…No fun. I did them a favor…that last hour before we sank was the best ever! Everybody running all over the place, the free love, the rioting, the looting…"
"Don't forget the drunkenness and the very good drugs," Aslan replied remembering the day vividly.
Krac furrowed her brows, "What would you know about good drugs? You freaked out when I gave you a crushed up baby Tylenol in apple sauce!"
"Ooh…yeah I can see why you guys are so scary," Cordy rolled her eyes, "With the babbling and the tangents and making no sense and the way you couldn't come to a point even if you tripped over it and impaled yourself…"
Krac leveled a curious gaze at her partner, "Is it just me, As…Or was that an insult?"
Aslan smirked, "Actually, I think that was about six insults rolled into one. How very economical of you, Cordelia."
Cordy preened under the perceived compliment, as the wiener cat sighed in disgust. "Where did you rake up these Yahoos?"
"Our last stop actually." Aslan replied with a wary look at Krac who was conspicuous in her silence- which did not bode well for anyone. A silent Krac was like dynamite on a very, 'very' short fuse. The Immortal backed up a few paces to get out of the splatter radius.
"ENOUGH!" Krac howled as her clothing changed to that of a police uniform in the blink of an eye and a very long nightstick appeared in her hand. Moving faster than the human eye could follow she brought the weapon down on the hood of the car beside her, her entire body shuddering painfully at the contact. "JESUS! Aslan haven't we discussed this before- never; ever let me hit things when I'm mad. I don't know my own strength." She hissed tossing the murder weapon to a stunned Cordy as the car alarm let off one startled squall before the entire front end of the unfortunate vehicular victim collapsed.
In response to the brief call for help the cars owner appeared from within the bowels of the artery clogging cesspool and shrieked in horror as a final tendril of smoke erupted from his vehicle. "Oh My God!"
"Where?" Krac cried in horror as she dropped to the ground with her hands held protectively over her face.
Aslan sighed as she threw a glance at Cordelia. "Yeah…I can see why you don't fear us. Like the Canadian armed forces we were once a force to be reckoned with, now we're just a very bad joke. It's been a series of very, long, very bad days. Things have got to get better, right? Like Wynonna says once you hit rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up or sideways…and I think we've hit a wall with the whole sideways thing…any day now we'll start heading up." The brunette moved towards her partner wincing slightly at her behavior. "Up, Crazy bitch…" Aslan blushed as her gaze swept over the young man whose car Krac had just destroyed as his expression shifted from shocked to just plain pissed… "I mean nice police officer person…" Aslan whispered softly "You know God can't come within 1000 yards of you, you still have that restraining order on her, remember?"
"Well, she fights like Joan Collins on crack…dirty, cheating, nail scratching, eye-gouging bitch. No mother ever believes another woman is good enough for her son but she took it to extremes!"
Aslan snorted in a truly inelegant fashion. "Right, all you did was suggest that 'maybe' he was working for the wrong team. You know evil being more lucrative and all."
"Well, it is…" Krac whined.
"If you have no heart, soul or conscience…or happen to be boffing the devil himself." Aslan rejoined cattily.
"You're never going to let me live that down are you!" Krac bellowed in a voice that could bring down empires and sink continents but had no visible affect on her exasperated colleague.
"No." Aslan responded, easily talking over the young man who had since approached them and was yelling angrily at Cordy- who still held Krac's offending baton. "Those who forget their mistakes end up repeating them…and we can not afford for you to repeat any of your mistakes – you've already lost your filter, next thing you know they'll be magically hacking off parts of your anatomy."
Krac shuddered theatrically remembering the Roman general (no not him again, the other one)…who magically became a eunuch overnight because of his penchant for ogling a little too enthusiastically the female PTB's.
As Krac ruminated in silence over all the horrifying (not to mention sadistic) punishments the PTB had or could mete out, Aslan turned to the distressed automobile owner. "What's your problem?"
"What's my problem? What the hell happened to my car?" the man shrieked, not unlike Nate after an attack of Angelus's octopus hands. Aslan found it rather reassuring, this she could deal with.
"What car?" The immortal looked around expectantly.
"That car!" the man howled nearly pulling his hair out in frustration.
"I don't know." Aslan replied with a beatific smile. "You really should take better care of your belongings." The young man continued to rant and swear up a blue streak until he wore himself out. "Do you need change for the bus?"
With a dazed expression the young man nodded carefully, like it caused him great pain to do so. "Krac give him all your change." Aslan growled with a glare.
"What? Why me…" With an almost imperceptible head bob towards the heap of metal that used to be a working vehicle, and a laser glare Krac quickly acquiesced. With the young man heading dazedly away from them, Aslan turned to her partner. "You better fix it, now."
Krac gasped. "In front of all these people…Someone'll notice!"
"I don't want to end up in jail, Idiot. Fix the damn car before, Buddy there comes out of the whammy I just pulled on him."
"You put the 'whammy' on him?" Krac giggled. "Smooth move there, As. You must be way out of practice…"
"There was no time for finesse…fix it and let's get the hell out of Dodge. And change back, impersonating a police officer is still a crime you know…" Aslan growled.
"Who's impersonating anything? I was the number one officer in Satan's service, I still have my badge you know…Wanna see it?"
"You still…what? No, Krac put it back and fix the car before everything goes to hell in a hand basket! I mean, I know you've got a standing invitation and all but he's still got issues with me and If that bastard sticks me with babysitting Richard Simmons again, I'll burn down his stash," Aslan snapped her fingers… "Like that! Without a second thought!"
"Hey!" Sugarplum glowered coming quickly to the defense of her master… "That's for medicinal purposes only! Heartless bitch, making D live in pain. I'll scratch your squinty little eyes out first."
Aslan guffawed. "Medicinal my ass! He's the devil!"
"Exactly, Psychobitch! Being the devil is hard work. All pain no gain. Everybody fears him, most hate him…The rest are only in it for what he can do for them…It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it. And D does his job with style and class. What? Are you jealous?"
Aslan sat down in the middle of the sidewalk and laughed until the hilarity of the moment passed. "Style and Class? Don't you mean Stoned on his ass? Doesn't he own controlling shares in Doritos and Snickers by now?"
The wiener cat growled throatily as she advanced on the sitting Immortal, "Take that back, freak…or you'll need a seeing eye dog!"
Aslan grinned. "What? You volunteering, Sugar?"
Krac grabbed the confused canine as it launched itself at her partner with a frighteningly catlike yowl of rage. Holding the struggling animal she flicked her wrist at the car correcting the damage done in her earlier rage. "What'd we say about teasing the Client, As?"
"Not to…" The brunette looked chagrined. With a beseeching expression she offered an olive branch to the still wriggling and hissing Wiener cat. "I'm sorry Doggy, can you ever forgive me?" Okay, a rotten, deformed and dying olive branch. Nobody's perfect.
Forestalling further argument, Nate bounded back to Aslan's side and with a solicitousness akin to asskissing helped the Immortal stand. "Hey, where have you guys been? Getting out while the getting's good, eh boys? We almost had a situation here?" Krac glanced from her partner to the pissed dog in her arms… "Umm…make that a situation or two."
Nate traded bemused looks with his accomplices, "We went to get Pepsi, remember?"
"Pepsi? Why didn't you tell us! We would've had you get us some too! That's why Aslan's acting so bitchy, it's withdrawal!" Krac pouted.
"Oh My God!" Cordelia moaned, as Krac shuddered and looked around anxiously. "The two of you have raised obliviousness to an artform. They. Went. To. Get. The. Pepsi. For. You. Your orders remember now, Nutjob? Christ, can I go home before you infect me with your stupidity?"
"For me?" Aslan exclaimed happily taking the dark nectar as Nate handed it over.
"You think we're stupid? You obviously never met Riley. That boy didn't have enough brain cells to kill."
"Ahh…that's better. Brain cells coming back online…I.Q. rising. Here Krac, quick before you make Bunny look like a mental giant."
Aslan passed her partner the can and waited as she guzzled the last of the sweet black nectar of the gods. "Whew…That was close. I'm so glad we replaced the original nectar with Pepsi, that other shit was swill."
"May we remind you ladies that we have a portal to find and a…uhh…pageant to rig." Wesley interrupted calmly.
"Of course you can, Wes." Krac responded sweetly, ignoring Sugarplum's squawk of outrage over the idea that anyone would need to rig the pageant for her to win. "If you don't mind me asking where did you Watcher types wandered off to earlier?"
"Why don't you handle that, Mr. Giles?" Wesley gestured expansively towards his companion.
Giles stuttered uncomfortably, glaring at his fellow ex-watcher. "Well, I was browsing in the bookstore window, while Wesley here simply wanted to pretend he didn't know you."
Wesley whipped his head towards Giles with a shocked air. "Rupert!"
"Really…" Krac purred. "Someone needs punished. You agree, As?"
"Whatever." Aslan replied bored. "If I wasn't so intimately involved in this shit, I'd pretend I didn't know us too."
"Punished?" Wesley squeaked.
"Yes…Watcher? Surely, someone as educated as yourself can understand that concept? Or am I giving you too much credit here?"
Wesley scrunched in on himself as he waited for the immortal to strike. When nothing followed but an amused giggle from the Shebeast he opened his eyes to glare at the confounding woman. Only to be met with the sight of Cordelia, staring blankly, moving conceivably at Krac's whim as the immortal moved her hands in graceful arcs. Wesley discreetly cleared his throat, gaining the Immortal's eagele-eyed glare. "I thought you were going to punish me?"
"Don't sound so eager, Wes. You can take your turn later." Krac glared at the brunette snared in her trap… "I owe her for that stupid comment from earlier. Taking advantage of our infirmities to land a low blow…I'm not impressed."
"Are you ever impressed?" Giles let go a long-suffering sigh as if he and not Aslan had been saddled with Krac for eternity.
Distracted from her chore of licking the inside of the Pepsi can Aslan smiled. "Not often. It's hard to impress someone who has seen everything. But I'd say a surefire way to get a second look would be if you were made of a narcotic substance or even if you had access to large amounts of said substance. Well, you'd get her attention. At least long enough for her to steal the substance from you and leave you vaguely confused but very happy after she'd moved on…either because you're no longer interesting or something new has piqued her interest. Krac has a very short attention span."
"What?" Krac turned her attention back to the conversation.
Sugarplum huffed eyeing the Immortals, "That's what she did to D."
Screwing up her nose Krac laughed, "I did a LOT of things to D but if we want to keep our PG13 rating I can't mention any of them. But how did we start on that?"
"We were talking about your ADD." Aslan explained watching Angel pull on Nate's tail lovingly as Spike, Xander and Oz laughed at the sight.
"Cool," Krac grinned widely, "But I don't have any. You carrying, As? I knew that eventually life with me would catch up to you and you'd seek release…"
"No!" Aslan groaned, "ADD-Attention Deficit Disorder? Not drugs, although they are starting to sound appealing. You don't need any more drugs."
"What does Attention Deficit Disorder have to do with you giving me drugs?" Krac sighed looking to the others for assistance.
Rapidly Aslan's left eye began to twitch and if this had been a cartoon smoke surely would have billowed from her ears. Laughing Spike pointed at the Immortal, "Now who's got a chimp in their head?"
Cautiously the group watched Aslan for signs of an explosion, slowly her color returned to normal and she began humming to herself in a distracted manner. As she rubbed her hands together in an eerie impression of Mr. Burns; Nate gestured to the McDonald's before them. "Why don't we catch our portal and continue this in the Otherworld?"
A smile lit Krac's face; "Alright last one through has to bathe Sugarplum."
With a collective gasp of horror everyone except Sugarplum rushed toward the Mickey D's entrance, leaving a still stunned Aslan standing in the middle of the sidewalk.
"C'mon Crazy, Cat-Hating bitch…I stink of sulfur. We'll need at least an hour or two to get rid of the stench and it'll take at least that long for you to dry and shave me. Plus you'll have to do my hair and make-up. I have rules, Crazybitch. You keep your hands to yourself…no hanky panky. I know I'm irresistable- we've had problems with the help before and you're the obsessive type…" The wiener cat's eyes narrowed. "And I'm not into that shit." Then the dog's expression relaxed. "And I only use Dove soap, it's better for my complection and it's ¼ moisturizing crème. Oh, you better be careful with my ears too, crazy bitch- they're sensitive. And no one, I mean no one touches my tail but D…"
As the Weiner cat continued it's litany of orders Aslan walked unsteadily towards the waiting building that housed their portal and pondered the horrors of eternal life. Because at the moment it seemed to be a lot more like eternal damnation.
Without a backward glance Aslan crossed the threshold and closed the door in Sugarplum's face. Immediately the Wiener cat started to houl. "Crazy Bitch, I see what you're doing don't think I'm fooled!" Waiting expectantly for the door to open, Sugarplum fumed clacking her nails against the concrete. "Hey, hey Krac-bitch, the Psycho-bitch locked me out!"
Moments later Krac opened the door and picked up their lost charge. "I'm not letting that Bitch near me and water with a ten foot pole."
Krac nodded sagely. "I think that's wise."