Crisis

Star Trek Voyager: Sometimes a breakdown brings out true feelings

by Diane Running Horse

Rated PG

For the second time in a matter of weeks, Captain Janeway had secluded herself in her quarters. At first, she took care of ship's business via remote link and by proxy, allowing Chakotay to virtually captain the ship; but as the days passed she slowly withdrew from even that small measure of control. She had left standing orders not to be disturbed, but after nearly two weeks of dealing with curious queries from the officers and crewmembers, Chakotay decided to disobey that order. Tucking a padd under one arm for an obvious excuse, he left the bridge in Tuvok's capable hands and took the turbolift to Janeway's quarters.

Three times he rang her door chime. He had no clearance to override. He was just about to force her door Maquis-style - an action fraught with danger - when at the last moment the doors parted. There she was hair loose and flowing past her shoulders, just the way he liked it. She looked tired.

'Apologies for the intrusion, Captain,' he said formally. 'May I see you a moment?'

'Why?' she replied in a dull voice. 'Your last report said all operations were proceeding normally and we're in an unremarkable sector of space. I'm not aware of anything that requires my personal attention, Commander.'

'On the contrary. There's a matter of grave importance I need to discuss with you,' he said, gesturing with the padd he held.

'Which is?'

A crewman strolled by, pausing to glance at the curious tableaux: the commander standing outside Janeway's personal quarters, the captain out of uniform; obviously not herself. Chakotay sent him on his way with a stern glare.

'Perhaps we should discuss this inside. May I?'

She had seen that obdurate expression before. He was not to be turned away. With an audible sigh, she reluctantly stepped aside to allow him entry. As before, when she had become depressed during their trip through the void, the lights were off. Only faint starglow beaming through the portal windows and the light from the corridor gave any illumination. The room darkened, deprived of the corridor light the minute the door slid shut.

Janeway did not invite him to sit down; merely stood near her door, waiting. Chakotay hesitated a moment, then in the semi-darkness located her dining table upon which were arranged several candles. He had had dinner there on many occasions, and now he lay the padd aside, fumbled for the small torch and lit all of them. He turned to Janeway, who remained standing, staring into the tiny flames.

He didn't pull any punches. 'Kathryn, the matter of grave importance I had to discuss with you. Something is wrong. You're not yourself.'

'No?'

'No. And from what I've seen here, now, I would recommend you visit the doctor. I think this is not just another attack of your conscience. I think you have a serious case of clinical depression.'

'Your intelligence file did not mention a course in psychiatry.'

Anger in him flared. 'It doesn't take psychiatry to know when a friend is in trouble. What I don't understand is why you feel this way - why you're isolating yourself again.'

'Maybe it's you, Chakotay.'

'What?!'

'Maybe the problem is you. Is it too hard for you to run the ship without me? Is that why you came? To take the burden off your shoulders and put it back on mine? Is that it?'

'No, damn it! That's not it!' He grabbed her arm and pulled her into the flickering light. Gripping her shoulders, he studied her for a long moment. She did not resist. 'You've lost weight, you're pale and your eyes are circled in darkness. Something's bothering you, Kathryn Janeway, and I want to know what it is! Either you sit down here now and start talking to me or I send you to sickbay - site-to-site transport.'

'That isn't authorized.'

'It is since you appointed me captain.'

He pulled out a chair and seated her, then went to the replicator and ordered an alcoholic brandy for her and strong tea for himself. He anticipated a long night, and he had to stay awake. She, on the other hand, needed something relaxing. He set the glasses down and took a chair opposite her.

'Now,' he said. 'I'm listening.'

A slight, crooked smile crossed her features. 'I didn't appoint you captain,' she said apologetically.

'You may as well have.'

She picked up her brandy and took a sip, grimacing at the initial burn of the unfamiliar alcohol. The second sip went down more smoothly, and she sighed, turning the glass in her hands. 'It's hard to explain, Chakotay.'

'Try.'

She bit her lip and shook her head. Her hair cascaded across one shoulder. He dared to reach out to push the locks away from her face, brushing her cheek with his fingers. His hand rested lightly on her shoulder for a brief moment.

'Kathryn, you have two very close friends on board. I know you've known Tuvok much longer than you've known me, but it's - how would you say - rather difficult to unburden your heart to him. You and I, on the other hand, have been through a lot together in the past five years. We've become too close to shut each other out. You've helped me through many a crisis. Don't you think I can do the same for you?'

She looked up. His dark face was set in gentle lines and the candlelight played in the sympathetic depths of his eyes as he regarded her. A small, soft sob escaped her lips, forming his name as it did so.

'Oh, Chakotay..... there are times.....' her throat constricted and it was some minutes before she could continue. He sat patiently waiting, quietly comforting. Never had he seen Kathryn Janeway so close to breaking.

'.....times,' she continued, 'when.....my priorities are a hopeless tangle. Do I...stop to give aid to an alien race or...bypass them just to cut weeks off our journey? Do I...disregard the Prime Directive and get us home...any way possible? Should I continue to insist on a Starfleet structure...or break it down to a ship run by committee? With so many years of travel ahead of us.....why hold fast to all that? Now that...Mark is gone...and I've let go of him...do I indulge my...feelings for you or hold fast to protocol?'

As Kathryn continued to pour out her anguish, Chakotay was taken aback that she had actually admitted having feelings for him. His feelings for her, of course, had always been held under tight control, since he had assumed they were not reciprocated. Now she, perhaps due to the influence of the brandy, was telling him otherwise.

'There are days...when I don't know if I can continue. Times when...I have to be courageous without courage...strong with no strength. My thoughts have been a mad jumble in my mind...I can't seem to take hold of one and deal with it...before the others crowd in.'

She dabbed at her eyes with a napkin from the table. 'Lately...I guess it's been too much for me...but I've got a good crew. Together we've come...a very long way. Still, they look to me, Chakotay. They look to me, and there are so...many more years we have left to travel...' she dropped her head onto her folded arms and sobbed so quietly that he was not aware of it.

He let out the breath he had been holding. The stern yet warm, incomparable Kathryn Janeway had a vulnerable spot, a weakness. Now having faced it, she didn't think she had any right to have it. She had dealt with a situation that no Starfleet captain he knew of had ever faced; she had been courageous and ingenious in holding fast to her principles while trying to do the best for her crew. She had lost a loved one; buried the grief deep; had laid aside her personal life; sacrificed for the good of the crew. When feelings did surface again, she buried them as well. She had been under a heavy strain for a long time and only recently had cracks appeared in her tough veneer.

'Kathryn.' She raised her head and he was dismayed to see the wet streaks on her face. He slipped something from the table into his pocket, rose and held out his hand to her. 'Come with me.'

It was late, and the corridors were deserted. She was thankful, for her face was wet and she was dressed much too casually for outside her own quarters. Presently they arrived at Holodeck Three.

'I created this program some time ago,' Chakotay said. 'It's my home world - as it was. I thought of taking you on a vision quest but I wouldn't be able to accompany you. This way, you won't be alone. I'll be with you, Kathryn, as I've always been, since the day we met.'

'What...why are we here?'

'You'll see. Computer. Initiate Program Chakotay-One-Alpha.'

'Program enabled. Enter when ready.'

First to strike her senses was the cool breeze drying the tears on her cheeks and billowing her robe, bringing to her the fresh pine smell of dense forest. Her eyes were soothed by the moonlit night and only the soft sounds of small night creatures disturbed the silence. Almost before she knew it, she felt at peace.

Chakotay guided her to a small clearing, a re-creation of the place where often in his visions he had met his father. The sacred fireplace was laid with the sacred seven woods; the prime pieces placed at the four directions. Chakotay lowered Kathryn to the ground and sat beside her. Stretching his hands over the fireplace, he blessed it then pulled from his pocket the same torch with which he had lit her candles. He was just in time to catch a small grin light her features. He needed the torch to start the fire.

Presently it was flickering with relaxing warmth. The smoke wafted downwind but its smell still permeated the night. Strangely, watching the slow destruction of wood and bark in crackling heat with the smoky smell of charcoal was not to be feared or regretted, for the glow of the embers soothed Janeway even as they warmed her.

Chakotay placed long strands of braided sweetgrass in the fire until they began to smolder. As if he were painting a picture, he guided the strands around Kathryn, etching sweet trails of smoke over her from head to feet and back, circling, dancing in midair and circling again. As he did so, he began a slow, quiet chant. The simple beauty of his voice astonished her; never before had she heard him sing. The words were short with many vowels, and she listened closely, trying to glean some meaning from the unfamiliar sounds. The song ended and he brought his arms around her, reaching for her hands and placing them together to form a shallow bowl.

'Kathryn,' he said softly, 'for this night you will let go of everything bothering you. Let go of everything worrying you. Put away from you your regrets, your desires, your hungers. Refuse to listen to your deepest fears. Hold your thoughts in hand as a captured bird and release them to the sky.' His hands guided hers high and wide in the symbolic gesture.

'The Sky Spirits will carry them for you this night. For this night you need not be anyone's captain, anyone's mentor, anyone's role model, anyone's leader. You need not be anyone's enemy or anyone's savior. We will deal with everything in the tomorrows. There we will find your answers. For now, let there be nothing but the wind.'

She relaxed in his arms and grew drowsy as her greatest friend held her softly against him, rocking her into a gentle night.

The End