1 Burning Bridges
Lying here I feel the coolness of his chest pressed against my back. Beyond the opposite of slayer to vampire and man to woman-he is the winter to my spring. All hard lines, cold heart and dark shadows to my warmth and sunlit places. He loves me. I know he loves me. He saved my life, my sister's and the lives of my best friends time and time again. That should be enough shouldn't it? I owe him and he loves me. Why do I want more?
What is it inside of me that is never satisfied? Not with Angel, Riley or Spike? The third time's supposed to be the charm isn't it-so why isn't it enough? Every time he touches me, every time he runs his fingers through my hair or kisses my lips I ache for something-someone-else. Someone I can never have. I could have had him a long, long time ago but that ghost of a chance flew long ago and I never realized it. Now too much stands between us, a chasm of things left unsaid and undone for far too long.
Now we're so far apart I can't even see him through the smoke and flame of the bridge still burning between us. Soon the gap will be uncrossable; and I'll have to live with that. I'm the Slayer; it's not like I don't know anything about pain and loss. I've spoken their language fluently, instinctively from a very young age. Most of the choices I've made were carved in stone and forged in steel. There has never been any going back and who's to say that things could be put right or restored even if I had the strength of will to change them?
It is better this way; he's happy and safe. The white knight is still pure, while those around him have fallen broken and tarnished from their pedestals. He has remained true and upright upon his-he is our-my touchstone in this world. If I can't have him at my side in life, then having him at my back is good enough. Someone to watch over me and help me stand when the world tries so hard to bring me to my knees.
Spike has been trying so hard to be a good man, he loves me probably more than anyone has ever loved me before. For now that's enough, it has to be. That's all I can have. Spike's stirring, he needs me to love him so much that I find I want to. Whether I am capable of doing so is the question. Xander's found his peace with Anya; redeeming her and maybe that's why I pretend there's hope for Spike and I. But with every part of my body, mind and even my soul I know differently. He'll never truly be enough for me. It's strange to ache so badly for something you never truly had. I find it ironic that in the end I'm tied to a dead man because without Xander- that is the exsistance I'm doomed to anyway.
Lying here I feel the coolness of his chest pressed against my back. Beyond the opposite of slayer to vampire and man to woman-he is the winter to my spring. All hard lines, cold heart and dark shadows to my warmth and sunlit places. He loves me. I know he loves me. He saved my life, my sister's and the lives of my best friends time and time again. That should be enough shouldn't it? I owe him and he loves me. Why do I want more?
What is it inside of me that is never satisfied? Not with Angel, Riley or Spike? The third time's supposed to be the charm isn't it-so why isn't it enough? Every time he touches me, every time he runs his fingers through my hair or kisses my lips I ache for something-someone-else. Someone I can never have. I could have had him a long, long time ago but that ghost of a chance flew long ago and I never realized it. Now too much stands between us, a chasm of things left unsaid and undone for far too long.
Now we're so far apart I can't even see him through the smoke and flame of the bridge still burning between us. Soon the gap will be uncrossable; and I'll have to live with that. I'm the Slayer; it's not like I don't know anything about pain and loss. I've spoken their language fluently, instinctively from a very young age. Most of the choices I've made were carved in stone and forged in steel. There has never been any going back and who's to say that things could be put right or restored even if I had the strength of will to change them?
It is better this way; he's happy and safe. The white knight is still pure, while those around him have fallen broken and tarnished from their pedestals. He has remained true and upright upon his-he is our-my touchstone in this world. If I can't have him at my side in life, then having him at my back is good enough. Someone to watch over me and help me stand when the world tries so hard to bring me to my knees.
Spike has been trying so hard to be a good man, he loves me probably more than anyone has ever loved me before. For now that's enough, it has to be. That's all I can have. Spike's stirring, he needs me to love him so much that I find I want to. Whether I am capable of doing so is the question. Xander's found his peace with Anya; redeeming her and maybe that's why I pretend there's hope for Spike and I. But with every part of my body, mind and even my soul I know differently. He'll never truly be enough for me. It's strange to ache so badly for something you never truly had. I find it ironic that in the end I'm tied to a dead man because without Xander- that is the exsistance I'm doomed to anyway.