The Pale Ones:
Horror Movie Babies
(Or, an exercise in futulity)
Eric Griffin: (Fixing t.v) Can someone explain to me why we're bothering to switch to Directv? I mean, without the usual sarcasm and insults?
Wednesday 13: Sunday Football ticket.
Kylie: Free horror movie channels
Macaylah: Supernatural marathons.
Kylie: twin!
Mac: Twin!
Wednesday: twin!
Eric: Dude. Wednesday. NO.
Joe Crow: Hello all!
Pip Sickness: It's us!
Al Damned: Al..
Kodi Kasper: B..
All: DAMNED!
Kylie: seriously. I've already talked to y'all about this. You're not Cher.
Eric: Ok guys, I'm almost done! I'm just going to connect the plugs and-
(Blinding flash of light usually reserved for campy 80's time travel films)
(Camp Crystal Lake)
Kylie: What the fudge nugget…?
Pip: Why is there so much dark blue filter light?
Kylie: And why are we surrounded by cabins next to a lake in a leafy forest type commonly found in the New Jersey area next to a bloody machete?
(Pip and Kylie look at camera)
Pip: maybe we should look at this conspicuous sign everyone seems to ignore?
Kylie: Camp Crystal Lake..
(Tension filled pause)
Kylie: Eric messed up. AGAIN. Why we let him fix electronics I do not know.
Pip: Kylie I'm scared!
Joe: Thank the non existient god I found you!
Kylie: Joe! Joe Crow!
Joe: yeah. That's me. Ta frickin da. We need to leave. Now.
Pip: Explain
Joe: Are you really THAT daft?
Pip:….Perhaps…
Joe: (long pause. To Kylie) Eric messed up again with the T.V. We're in a horror movie. I found all these dead bodies, mostly of teenagers. We're in Friday the 13th!
Kylie: well where is everyone else?
Joe: not here that's for dam-
Kylie: LANGUAGE
Joe: -ang sure.
Pip: if we're in Friday the 13th where's…JASON! (races off)
Kylie: which one of you idiots incurred the wrath of the slasher movie gods and George A. Romero by having sex?
Joe: ….(looks around) not it! (touches nose)
Kylie: we've only been here two fricking minutes!
Joe: I said 'not it'! Do you not see the universal symbol of "not it"?
Kylie: You're awful
Joe: (Hangs head in shame) yes. I know.
(Nightmare on Elm Street)
Macaylah: ow…my head…what the heaven and hell?
Wednesday: where are we?
Macaylah: great. It's you.
Wednesday: you're so sweet. Truly a pleasure to be around.
Al: what's with the metal pipes and boiler room paraphernalia?
Wednesday: I'm not sure. LOTS of red filter though…
Al: it seems so…familiar…
Wednesday: TOO familiar.
Macaylah: not a Lifetime docudrama here guys.
Al: Dangnabit. I was just about to accuse you of murdering your roommate in Italy with your boyfriend.
Macaylah: you're not funny.
Al: true. I'm hilarious.
Wednesday: I'm hearing music that is punctuated by what sounds like a basketball…
Macaylah: Shiite and sunni!
Al: you know where we are?
Macaylah: I know…who killed Natalee Holloway!
Wednesday: you're awful.
Macaylah: oh well.
Al: I know where we are!
Wednesday: where!
Al: Freddy Krueger's boiler room! It all makes sense now!
Macaylah: of course! ….Wait how does this make sense?
Al: Well obviously Eric messed up again, as he often does, like that one time we got sent to the 80's and Wednesday met Pamela Anderson, but got really drunk and confused her with-
Wednesday: MOVING ON!
Al: well. If you're a huge slasher fan like MOI, you would know we're IN one! The boiler room stuff, the overdone filter light, the basketball music! We are in A Nightmare On Elm Street! God, this is like a riggin dream come true! (swoons)
Wednesday: only YOU could take those elements and come up with that conclusion, you freak.
Macaylah: it all makes sense…
Wednesday: how the helping hand so?
Macaylah: I hear the scraping of knife gloves on metal pipes
(pause)
Al: we should run.
Wednesday: let's.
(Haddonfield (Halloween))
Kodi: Tell me we're not where I think we are.
Eric: I think we are where you think we are.
Ben Graves: yeah, thanks for that. Yet again.
Eric: The Ghoul! How did you get here!
Ben: I was asleep on the couch. And Joey, Acey and the other two English guy walked in the moment Eric here messed up ONCE A FRELLING GAIN.
Eric: Dan Toxic and Starfish?
Ben: sure let's go with that.
Eric: so if we're where Kodi thinks we are, where are we? What does it mean?
Kodi: it means you fluffed up royally
Eric: so where are we mr rude?
Kodi: we're in a slasher movie. Halloween.
Ben: how can you be so sure?
Kodi: Michael Myers is holding a knife to my throat.
Eric: that's pretty sure.
Ben: idiot! What the hello did you mess up!
Eric: I put the red plug-in in the yellow plug…
(long pause. Crickets chirping)
Ben: You idiot.
(Friday the 13th)
Kylie: I think we're safe behind this log for now…
Pip: Sure. For now
Joe: guys, all we have to do is take a vow of abstinence while we're here and resist the urge to smoke weed and skinny dip with hot blonde chicks that are way too attractive for 16 year olds.
The Vessel: that sounds like a good plan
Pip: AAAAAAAHHH! SURVIVOR! (Hides behind Joe)
Joe: and you got this whole 'In The Face' reputation HOW?
The Vessel: so guys. You have messed up royally!
Kylie: thanks ever so Brooks! I wasn't QUITE sure!
Vessel: (flicks Kylie in the head) I am the Vessel of The Archangel Gabriel you idiot. Respect me or I'll smite you where you hide.
Kylie: whatever. Why are you here?
Vessel: I'm saving you stupid dunderheads.
Kylie: but you are a mortal. Well, unless you were installing directv and got here through that…
(Vessel takes out pouch, starts untying)
Kylie: wh-what's that? What are you doing? Wh-wh-wha-(vessel throws handful of confetti in Kylie's eyes) AAAAAAHHH! OHMIGOD! WHA….IS….IS THIS CONFETTI! IT'S IN MY EYES! IT BURNS!
Vessel: that is the Bag o' Truth
Joe: ooh, I want one!
Vessel: for vessels of Archangels only.
Joe: could I make my own?
Vessel: not one as full of truthy-ness as mine.
Kylie: (whimpers)
Vessel: Oh suck it up. Did you finish you homework?
Kylie: what homework?
Vessel: the homework
Kylie: did Twin get the homework?
Vessel: no.
Kylie: then I did not receive this homework assignment of which you speak.
Vessel: (makes book appear, starts beating Kylie about the head with it) THIS homework!
Kylie: OWWW! DUDE STOP! IT HURTS! HELP ME!
Pip: we should help
Joe: no. If an Archangel is beating her, it must be gods will.
Pip: you don't believe in god.
(Kylie crouched in fetal position on ground)
Vessel: now that I got that out of my heavenly, blessed system, we need to leave. The dumbalaska you live with ripped apart the movie universe in some unexplained way that will probably stay unexplained, as your author cannot tell a storyline based on logic and facts to save her life, and cast you all in it, in yet another unexplained way.
Joe: movie…universe?
Vessel: where exactly did you think Movies came from?
Pip: the wombs of Movie directors? Like Night and Day and Dawn of the Living Dead by George A. Romero? I always thought they were triplets.
Joe: Pip.
Pip: yes Joe?
Joe: stop talking. Forever.
Vessel: No you fanta girls! There's a whole universe full of retardedly dumb teens forever wandering into slasher films! And horrific crossovers of genres, such as Jason Goes to Hell, or Takes Manhattan, or Jason in Space!
Pip: I feel like you're lying.
(Vessel pulls out Bag O' Truth)
Pip: but what do I know! I'm just a human!
Vessel; Wise choice mr. Sickness.
Kylie: My spleen!
Vessel: To Elm Street!
(Elm Street)
(Macaylah, Wednesday and Al hiding in very large pipe)
Macaylah: Wednesday, you drew the short straw, now get out there and sacrifice yourself!
Wednesday: I am not letting Freddy Krueger disembowel me so you two can escape!
Al: fair is fair!
Wednesday: you drew the black straw!
Al: We're not playing the black straw game
Wednesday: well maybe we should!
Macaylah: knock it off you two!
(silence)
Macaylah: Wednesday, you knew the rules. You came UP with this, for god's sakes! Now be a man and go get horrifically cut to death by Freddy! It's an honor!
Wednesday: Fine! I better have a frosting great funeral! (mutters to self, crawls out of pipe)
Vessel: hey there!
(Wednesday faints)
Vessel: that's odd.
Kylie: you can't just jump up on somebody in Freddy's boiler room with no warning!
Vessel: you shut your pie hole
Macaylah: Brooks! It's you!
Vessel: the Brooks, and it's MR Brooks, to you, you knew is dead. I am The Vessel of the Archangel Gabriel. We've been through this already. In fact, you came up with the name!
Macaylah: I do not recall this…
Vessel: don't make me get my Bag O' Truth.
Joe/Kylie: don't make him!
Wednesday: am I….am I in heaven?
Al: Hi Wednesday!
Wednesday: nope, I'm in hell.
Al: rude.
Vessel: can we go please?
Al: whiny!
Vessel: I will Bag O' Truth you back to the 16th century.
Al: what the helpful huskies is a "Bag O' Truth"?
(Vessel pulls out Bag O' Truth and throws handful of confetti in Al's face)
Al: OH MY SWEET JESUS OWWW!
Vessel: THAT'S a Bag O' Truth
Al: I DON'T LIKE IT!
Kylie: no one likes it.
Wednesday: Is that confetti?
Vessel: ….yes.
Wednesday: I like it!
Joe: shouldn't we be rescuing the last few guys right about now?
Vessel: they'll be fine for a few more minutes.
(Halloween)
Kodi: we are going to die and its ALL. YOUR. FAULT!
Eric: what happened to you being the annoyingly cute and simultaneously dumb as fudge kid drowning in the bean dip!
Kodi: I was….REWRITTEN!
Ben: Kodi stop trying to stab Eric.
Eric: I mean, don't be silly, I'm not worth stabbing to death! Especially not in the old Meyers place!
Kodi: (thinks about it) yes you are.
Ben: (picks Kodi up because he is of a height skimming 7 feet and well, it's a funny image. Think about it. Go ahead. I'll give you a moment.
Funny right? Yeah, I know.)
Ben: stop trying to kill him.
Kodi: but we are going to DIE because of his stupidity!
Ben: Yes. I know. That's why we leave him here for Mikey to find!
Eric: BEN!
Kodi:…ok
Ben: feel better?
Kodi: yes.
Eric: SOB!
Kodi: bye bye Eric!
Eric: oh sure NOW he's all cute and cuddly.
Ben: bye Eric!
(Nightmare on Elm Street)
Joe: are you sure you know where we're going?
Vessel: do you WANT to meet the Bag O' Truth?
Joe: no mr. Archangel Vessel sir.
Pip: I hear something in this closet…
(Pip opens closet. Freddy disguised as Pip attacking Matthew Gray Gubler because this is my story and he'll show up if I want. Also he's covering for a much worse storyline)
Pip: (slowly closes door) We should…go…
Vessel: To Halloween!
(Halloween)
Ben: any ideas on how we should escape?
Kodi: not really…
Vessel: hello sacks of flesh!
Ben: what the Helga are you!
Macaylah: he's Brooks!
Vessel: MR. BROOKS, and I am THE VESSEL of The Archangel Gabriel.
Ben: right.
Vessel: I WILL SMITE YOU!
Al: just go with it dude.
Kylie: anybody seen Eric? Where is he?
Ben: haven't seen him at all this evening.
Eric: Thank GOD I found you! I almost died-
Vessel: (throws confetti in Eric's face) SMITED!
Eric: AAAAAAHHH! IT BURNS!
Vessel: the demon hath been smited. No extra charge
Al: oh-kay mr. Vessel sir.
Kylie: that is not his full name. His full name is Mr. All Father-Oversoul-Vessel of the Archangel Gabriel-Buddah-Jesus with a Haircut SIR.
Joe: ok there Kylie. You don't have too much time on your hands.
Wednesday: clearly.
Kylie: no, I do!
Joe: that was KIND OF the point…
Kylie: oh…
Vessel: you're an idiot, idiot.
Kodi: can we go? We rescued everyone…
(Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
Joey Jordison: hello?
Acey Slade: anybody coming to rescue us?
Joey: anyone?
Starfish: give it a rest, they're not coming.
Acey: how are you so calm about this? We just saw Dan get chainsawed to death in front of us!
Starfish: and?
Joey: have you no EMPATHY!
Starfish: not really…
Joey: well THAT explains a lot…
Starfish: doesn't it?
Acey: I DUN WANNA DIE!
(Halloween)
Vessel: more or less.
(book flies out of nowhere, hits Kylie upside the head)
Kylie: I sense him. Moores. Vessel of Zachariah. He is here.
Macaylah: you sure your "sensing" it didn't come from that book?
Kylie: no! I sensed him!
Vessel: to home!
(home)
Ben: home! Sweet safe home!
Wednesday: I could kiss you vessel!
Vessel: let's not, ok?
Wednesday: fine..
Al: where's Starfish? I want to run a riff past him.
Vessel: He's….in heaven.
Al: OH MY GOD STARFISH IS DEAD?
Vessel: I never said THAT…
Macaylah: twin why didn't you save Matthew Gray Gubler from Freddy?
Kylie: what can I say, he's not Spencer Reid. And he's a meanybutt.
Vessel: 5 year old…
Kylie: I am not!
Vessel: you ACT like one.
Kylie: now that's true.
Macaylah: twin. Stop speaking.
Vessel: I leave you now. To heaven.
Wednesday: JOEY?
Vessel: bye now! (disappears)
Al: Dan? Starfish?
Wednesday: Joey!
(silence)
Kylie: what about Acey?
Wednesday: who?
Kylie: Acey Slade? Your ex guitarist?
Wednesday: mmm, doesn't ring a bell. Joeyyyy!
Al: STARFISH!
Kodi: Dan!
(fade out)