A/N: Fifth part in the One Angel series, strating with You will always be my-. All parts of the series can be read as stand alones.
'I wanna cut'
The simple, three-word text sent chills down Levi's spine. He stared at the screen of his phone with wide eyes, tuning out the laughter of his friends as they were fucking around instead of working on the project. Before he managed to type something back, his phone vibrated again.
'Sorry I shouldmt have texted u. I know ure busy. Its nothing dont worry'
'Sorry'
"Fuck." Levi got up abruptly, startling the others, especially Petra right next to him, who jumped with a small squeak.
"Levi? Are you okay?" came Erwin's worried voice a split second later.
Levi frowned, shooting him a look. "Yeah," he sighed, distracted. "Gotta go make a call; don't know how long it will take."
The others nodded, a few "Sure" and "Okay"s were heard and Levi was gone, only followed by bemused stares.
As soon as the door closed behind him, Levi had his phone at his ear, chewing at his bottom lip as he walked aimlessly away, praying for Eren to pick up. Did the ringing always last this long? It seemed like forever until the call finally connected after the third ring and Levi heaved a sigh of relief.
"Levi, I texted you not to worry; it really is nothing," Eren said instead of a greeting in a tone that was probably supposed to be lighthearted and sheepish, but only managed to sound dead to Levi.
"Hey to you, too, brat," Levi answered carefully. "You can't say shit like this after the first text. Tell me what's wrong. Do you want me to come?"
A nearly hysterical chuckle came from the other side of the connection, forcing Levi to suppress a cringe. "No, I'm really alright; it was stupid."
"Eren," Levi growled warningly at his boyfriend who sighed in response.
"Fine, I just realized something. I... I don't want to talk about it over the phone, I'll tell you when you get back, okay?"
"Okay. I'll be back soon."
"Okay."
There was silence between them for a long time as they just listened to each other's breathing. Eventually Levi clicked his tongue, shooting at the other a question that he really should have asked sooner. "How long have you been feeling bad? Have you eaten at all?" Immediately, he heard a telling intake of breath and he could easily picture the guilty yet defiant look on Eren's face. "Well?" he prompted when no actual words came.
"I did eat." It sounded hesitant, like it wasn't entirely true but not a complete lie either and Levi narrowed his eyes, even though Eren couldn't see him.
"I mean besides breakfast."
Silence.
The raven suppressed a groan and rubbed at his eyes in frustration. "I'll be there in 20 minutes and I swear if I come to see not a single dirty dish I will fucking end you, Eren."
"Well I'm so sorry I wasn't feeling hungry!" Eren hissed in anger, making Levi close his eyes and count to ten.
"Eren." A deep breath. "I don't fucking care you're not hungry. You have to eat. Do you want to starve yourself?"
A beat of silence passed and Levi though he had won before- "Maybe I do."
And suddenly Levi wanted to throw his phone at the wall. He was so sick of this, so sick of going around in circles. He knew Eren needed professional help, that he wouldn't be able to help him by himself, but how do you go about conversations like this? How do you make someone see a therapist? It's not like hitting him over the head and tossing him inside an office – which was not something he hadn't considered before – would lead anywhere. Maybe he should find someone first and then ask them how to go about it.
Levi forced himself to focus on the present, clutching his phone so hard he felt something move in the device. "Just eat something and don't hurt yourself until I get there, okay?" he said in a calm voice, hoping to sound at least a bit soothing. He thought he heard a small, choked down sob from the other end and his heart broke a little. "I'll try to get there as soon as possible. You are home, right?"
"Yeah," Eren's voice sounded surprisingly level. Maybe Levi imagined the broken noise.
"Mikasa?"
"Parents."
"Then I'll stay over, okay?"
"Okay."
"Good. Stay safe. Be there soon."
The line went dead and Levi sighed heavily, walking faster to finish his circle around the library building to head back inside and tell his friends he had to go. He felt like punching something as he made a mental note to look up good therapists in the area sometime later.
When Levi arrived at Eren and Mikasa's apartment half an hour later with a bag of snacks on tow, he was pleased to find the boy in question lying asleep on the couch, his laptop playing his go-to music for when he's not feeling good on the coffee table and an obviously used plate next to it.
Levi deposited the food and his laptop bag in the kitchen before going back to the living room. For a moment he stood there, just admiring how beautiful and peaceful Eren looked when he slept, with a small smile on his lips.
The song changed and Levi took it as a signal to move over and turn the volume down so it was more of a background noise than I'm-trying-to-shut-the-world-out noise, before sitting carefully next to Eren's sleeping form. When the other didn't move, he reached out to thread his hand through the soft mop of brown hair, to which Eren groaned softly before his eyes fluttered open.
"Hey," he rasped, voice heavy with sleep.
Levi smirked down at him. "Morning, brat."
"Fuck off," Eren yawned, stretching. Levi noted there were no new cuts on his boyfriend's forearms as he followed his motions with his eyes, and he felt a knot in his stomach release. He didn't even realize there was one.
"I brought snacks. Chips and a shit. It's in the kitchen," he said instead of commenting.
Eren gave him a wry smile. "Didn't trust me to eat, did you."
Levi only shrugged, "No, just thought we could watch a movie or something. And sure, the more you eat the better."
The brunet chuckled humorlessly but otherwise didn't comment, instead he just sat up to talk more comfortably, Levi watching him carefully all the while.
There was uncomfortable silence between them for a long while, neither of them willing to be the first one to address the elephant in the room. Levi was about to give up and go set up the television or something when Eren finally opened his mouth to speak.
"I... I'm sorry about earlier," he mumbled, hanging his head and closing his eyes for good measure. "I don't know what I was thinking, I knew you were working on that project, I-"
"Don't apologize," the other interrupted sternly. "I told you you could text me anytime. And it's not like we were getting anything done anyway."
Eren gave his boyfriend a look that said he didn't completely believe him, but he shook his head and continued anyway. "Okay. So I suppose you want to hear about what that was about..." He paused and Levi took the opportunity to sit sideways on the couch so he faced Eren properly, taking one of his hands in his, squeezing reassuringly. The other took a deep breath and started talking.
"Okay, so, I didn't get around to talking about this to you, 'cause honestly, I didn't know how... But last time I went home I... kind of... broke down in front of mom over how I couldn't do this anymore and how if it continued like this I was gonna drop out again and that I think I need help and stuff... mom agreed; she said she'd ask around and already sent me references to some therapists..."
Levi took a sharp intake of breath. This was literally the last thing he expected. But... "Isn't that good?" he asked carefully and Eren gave him a shy, quick look before looking away again, but not before squeezing Levi's hand tighter.
"I suppose?" he mumbled again. "I didn't really like any of them though; kind of, maybe wanted to ask you if you could, but only if you wanted to and had time, if you could look at them with me, maybe help me look, too?" His voice was getting quieter and quieter until Levi barely heard him but he smiled and raised their joined hands so he could give Eren's a small kiss.
"Of course I will. And I'm so proud of you Eren."
Eren hummed noncommittally and Levi could tell he didn't believe him. But that was okay; they were making progress and in time, Eren would believe in himself enough to trust other people when they said things like that. Provided they find a suitable therapist, of course, but at least now there was a much more tangible sense of hope.
"Anyway," Eren cleared his throat, "that's not the point. Or well, it's half of it I suppose, but..." He paused, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He opened his mouth to continue but no sound came out, so he closed it before trying again. The process repeated itself several more times but Levi let Eren take his time. It was painfully obvious Eren was preparing to tell him something he didn't want to say – or wasn't prepared to say; Levi wasn't sure which and he doubted Eren did. So he only squeezed Eren's hand, letting him know he could take his time. There was no rush.
And take his time Eren did. It took him another five minutes to collect himself, shedding a few stray, lone tears he desperately tried to hold back in the process. But finally, he started talking again. "The day after the... therapist conversation, I... I was watching TV with mom. I don't," he gulped, half swallowing the word. "Don't even really remember what it was about just that... suicide came up." He said the last few words in such a quiet, rushed way Levi had trouble catching them. But he did and an unfounded sense of dread came upon him. There was a number of directions this could take but the way Eren was reacting so far told him it was the worst way. Or maybe he was overreacting, having learned it was better to expect the worst with Eren, or risk hurting him even more. Levi bit his lip, staring intently at Eren's still closed lids and keeping his silence, instead bringing Eren's hand up to kiss it again, and then once more.
Eren took a shaky breath, quickly reaching up to swipe the tears away with his free hand. "Mom said she would never understand it. So I, in some, I don't know, brain black-out or something, I said I did understand why some people would do it, that I wasn't that far myself. She..." he choked on a sob and Levi bit his lip, watching him carefully. "She just kind of shrugged, saying 'Yeah, I figured.'"
Levi's blood ran cold. He felt Eren flinch as his grip on Eren's hand became too strong but he didn't let go. "She fucking what?" Levi hissed. He liked Eren's mom, she was nice and cheery and looked like Eren, but in that moment, he sort of hated her.
Eren, startled by the anger in Levi's voice, looked at his boyfriend for the first time since he started talking. And suddenly, he couldn't hold back the tears. Seeing someone genuinely angry for him felt so good, like he himself had the right to be angry and hurt. It was new and he wasn't sure what to make of it but he let himself fall forward and throw his arm around Levi and bury his head in his neck. The arms holding him securely felt almost too nice. He was sure he didn't deserve this moment of security.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Levi asked quietly after a while.
"Because," Eren swallowed thickly. "Because it didn't bother me." Levi clicked his tongue, obviously not believing him. Eren shook his head and elaborated. "At least I didn't think it did. Sure, it... well... I was kind of dumbfounded or... err... something. But it didn't bother me. It only occurred to me today how she- How differently she reacted."
Levi frowned, absolutely confused now. "What? What do you mean?"
Eren let out a slightly hysterical laugh. "Don't you see? She went to find me a therapist after I told her I won't finish school this time either if this goes on, but she 'figured' her kid wanted to kill himself. She cared more about school than me dying!" Eren finished in a shout, his voice cracking.
"Eren, that's-"
"That's not true, right?" Eren interrupted in more hysterical half-shouting, burying himself deeper into Levi's shoulder, and clutching at his shirt in some sort of desperate need to hold himself together. "That's not true because she loves me and she just didn't know how to talk to me and she cared and whatnot. I know!" His loud rant was interrupted by a series of sobs and Levi tightened his hold on the oh-so-fragile thing that his boyfriend became in that moment. He leaned down to nuzzle his hair and pepper kisses on his temple, trying his damn best to keep Eren from breaking completely while ignoring his own need to break something. "I fucking know but she didn't say anything for months! Months, Levi! And then she gives a bigger reaction to the possibility of me quitting school then me admitting I almost killed myself, and it doesn't feel like she gives a damn about me. And it fucking hurts, Levi." Eren stopped trying to hold the tears away, futile as it was, about halfway through the last part of his rant and by the end of it, he was crying uncontrollably, sobbing like a baby and ruining Levi's shirt.
Levi didn't even notice. Nor would he care if he did notice.
Instead he was really, really close to picking up his phone and giving his boyfriend's mother a piece of his mind. She might not have meant it the way Eren took it, she probably didn't even realize it was possible to take it that way, but she needed to learn that words and actions have consequences. Especially if she knew Eren was struggling with himself. Hell, she had to have noticed how thin Eren became in the last months. Levi was more than once a witness of people questioning whether or not Eren was anorectic and every time he felt it like a knife right to his heart. How had he not noticed sooner? How he never saw Eren eat unless they specifically went out for that purpose, and even then, how little Eren managed to eat before declaring himself full. How lose all his clothing became.
Levi shook his head, burying a hand in Eren hair and pulling him impossibly closer. There was no point beating himself over it. He could only do his best to help now that he noticed.
And the thing he could do now was hold Eren until he stopped shaking, watch a movie with him, feed him, find a good therapist, and support him through everything until he didn't need it. And then... Then he would support him in whatever Eren chose to do.
But first...
"Hey, Eren?"
"Nngh?" Eren groaned in response questioningly.
"Do you want to move in with me?"
A/N: I didn't plan the last bit but suddenly it was there and it felt so right? (It's probably because I constantly wish I could move out...)
This AU is my Levi. What does that say about me? Also, I hope it helps someone other than just me as well, though that's probably a bit too much to hope for... ^^;;