Charlie shares his thoughts and feelings during Bella's depression. Bella is in a restless sleep in her bed while her dad is watching over her. Being a parent is not easy…
Bells ( my baby girl)
I sat on the rocking chair in Bells' room. I couldn't get my eyes off of her. Her frail body tossed around in her sleep. Even in her dream, she was tormented. She couldn't find any peace of mind anywhere. All I wanted was to take that pain away from her.
She muttered the same words I heard nights after nights.
"Please, don't… don't leave. Please."
My heart tightened and my lips pressed angrily against one another. I felt hatred, pure animalistic hatred, for a seventeen years old boy. I knew it was pitiable but I couldn't help wanting to crush and destroy who did this to my little girl. She was my baby. She was my life. And now she was fading away, drowning like a sick fish. And I felt so powerless. I suddenly felt like an incompetent, helpless old man. I wasn't used to not knowing how to solve a situation. I was the chief of police. I was in charge to protect a whole town. And yet, I allowed for my own daughter to get hurt so deeply. I felt guilty. I had her under my charge for barely a year, and already I failed. I failed so drastically. I was a bad father. I should've known I couldn't take care of a teenage girl. How could a middle-aged loner handle a young city girl? Yes, I felt guilty more than anything. This was my fault. Her suffering. Her lost of appetite. Her nightmares. Her lifeless shell. It was all because I failed to protect her. Why did I ever accept Bella to move to Forks? This wouldn't have happened if she'd stayed in Phoenix with Renee. A girl needed her mom.
Bella turned around in her bed and her long silky hair slid away from her face. I stared at her sunken cheeks, at those dark circles around her eyes, at those chopped lips, at her colorless skin. My eyes watered and I forced down the tears. Her motionless body, carved with sadness and despair, hurt my insides more than anything else ever did. This was so much worst than what I felt when Renee left, taking away my daughter as well. I always thought that nothing could ever hurt as much as that. But I was wrong. This was worst. Seeing my daughter, my baby, dying in front of my own eyes was the single most painful thing I'd had to do.
The tears I fought back suddenly escaped and dripped down my face. I brought a shaky hand up to dry out my tears. Crying wouldn't help. I already felt too weak. I couldn't pathetically sit here and wallow in guilt and sorrow. I needed to do something. And so, I took a deep breath and pulled myself up to standing. I slowly walked by her side. I froze momentarily. This body in front of me only shadowed the outline of who my daughter once was. And suddenly I was overwhelmed with a sense of grief, as if she was dead, as if I'd lost her forever. I felt billions of hooks tearing my heart apart. My breathing paused briefly. I squeezed my eyes shut and listened carefully to her breathing: the proof that she was still here with me. As long as she was breathing, I could still save her.
I opened my eyes and gazed down at her one more time. I lightly caressed her creased forehead and her crumpled brows. Her body was all tensed up. I pressed my palm against her cheek, still focusing on the sound of her breath, and lowered down to kiss her gently on her forehead.
" I love you, Bells. I will find a way to make you feel better. I promise." I whispered.
I walked out of the room, feeling as heavy as a whale shark. I let my mind strategize and brainstorm ideas and solutions while walking downstairs. I was making a mental list of everything I should start doing.
I needed to call Renee again.
I needed to ask the doc to come over again.
I needed to talk to Billy.
I needed to let people know I was scared for my baby.
I needed to learn how to ask for help.
I needed to make breakfast for Bella.
I needed to encourage her to eat.
I needed to motivate her to spend time with friends.
I needed her to come back to life.
As I continued my long list, I walked to the phone, already ready to complete the first item on my to do list. I was ready to do anything to save my baby, even if it meant for her to go back to Phoenix, even if it meant she needed to be hospitalized for a little while, even if it meant that I would be left all alone once more, even if it meant that she would hate me in the end. All I needed now was for Bella to be better.
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