"She misses you you know? Maybe it's time you both grew a pair and settled up"
Why did Kelly always have to put me through this? All I wanted was for her to take the money and go on her way. What was so hard about that?
"Too late for tha'" And I honestly believed that. I'd done some thing stupid, heartless. Emo like. And now I could never change it.
Kelly replied the same way she always did; simply smirk at me and pocket the big roll of cash with a little shrug, a knowing glint sparkling in her eyes
"It's never too late to apologise Taylor. Woman up and go talk to her. I dare you"
Christ I hated Kelly. Because she knew I couldn't back down from a challenge. Not when it'd make me look weak. She must have read the acceptance in my eyes because she silently bumped her fist against my shoulder and walked out the door, finally leaving me to my thoughts again.
This was always the worst part of the month for me. Kelly's visit always brought back all the guilty thoughts and golden memories. She came with all the intent of taking my money and always she left knowing she'd planted another new seed of doubt in my head. It'd been easy to ignore her at first because I was getting used to being alone again, to flying solo without the extra luggage. But that was some time back now. I'd had time to think it over, to let the nagging memories plague my every waking thought and my few subconscious dreams. I was filled with this strange new feeling, this weird emotion I'd gone years without experiencing; regret.
I wish I'd stayed. I wish I'd gotten up that day and forced myself to stick around, to give it all one more day to balance out. Because now I was alone. Now I was tired. Now I was dying. I missed everything about her. From the way she used to hit me to the way she used to hold me while we fell asleep. I missed watching her eyes sparkle while she smiled at me, the way her fingers fit perfectly through mine. I miss the misery, the happy pain, the arguments. The feel of her hitting her anger out on my skin before her brilliant mouth brushed the ache away. She'd been so damn perfect for me and I'd blown it. And for what? A lonely life without her? It all seemed brilliant at the time. An escape had been the only option. But looking back I could see it was the stupid thing to do. The coward's way out.
The girls had all asked what my problem was. Why had I left her when I seemed so in love with her. It was simple. I was scared. Of giving in completely. Of leaving myself bare and unprotected. I'd always had to cover my own back, the thought of trusting that to someone else was just ridiculous. I guess that wasn't what got me though. I knew I could trust her. We'd gotten through too much not to after all. No what got me was the commitment. We'd been together so long it shouldn't have shocked me how fast things were going. Leaving school, moving in, making music and playing sets together. It was getting too much too quick and I couldn't breathe around her. So what did I do? I ran. Just like I always did.
She missed me though. After everything I'd done, all that trust I'd broken, she missed me. Looked like I got in way too deep before, like I'd missed the board and dived head first into the dangerous end. But that was me all over wasn't it, leap without looking just for the adrenaline rush and sick thrills. I was a moron. Because now that leap had lost me the best thing I'd ever have.
Andrea. Just saying her name made my head hurt. It brought back all the best times bubbling to the surface so the guilt stung some more. No matter what I did or where I went I was reminded that I didn't have her anymore, that I was a lonely moron. I was always catching myself thinking she should be here. She should be sat beside me on the sofa moaning about the news while I cheekily kissed her neck and told her to shut up. She should be in that shower singing so beautifully angels would envy her. She should be in that bed with me, holding on tight like she used to while the mania of the world faded away as we fell into each other. Instead she wasn't. Every day it was the same routine; wake up without her, play a set without her, breathe without her, curl up and feel sorry for myself without her. I was losing it big time. And all because of her.
People say it was my fault to begin with, that I'd initiated all of this. Maybe they were right. I gave the first kiss after all, and it was me who left the last one too. Trust a freak like me to make this much trouble. But I should have stayed away. Should have tried harder to ignore the tempting feelings and ideas that were brought on whenever she was around. Because now there's no more room to breathe, now it was killing us both.
Maybe Kelly was right and there was still time to fix this, though the cynic in me wondered if she was just saying that to get out of dropping by to pick up my share of Andrea's rent each month between missions. It'd crossed my mind more than once that maybe I could make it right again, I could make us work. But I knew the real truth. Andrea was an emo; she didn't trust easy and she didn't give her heart up just for anything. And I know I'd gone and broken both those things. I just prayed she hadn't hit the unstable part of her title yet. Because then I really would have to kill myself. She was so beautiful, so delicate. I'd tried my hardest to give her that extra layer of armour but the knife still got in. I just never imagined it be me driving the hilt. She'd never trust me again. Not after the way I did it.
I still can't believe I'd ended it so..chav like. No warning, no explanation, just a short letter saying sorry. I might as well have dumped her via text. There's nothing in this world that would forgive that level of insensitivity. But it'd been harder to leave with my heart on my sleeve then it was to stay and just pretend everything was fine. Maybe if I explained properly, maybe if I told her how bad it was for me now I didn't have her to stand beside, she'd consider me? It was a fools hope.
Andrea Andrea Andrea. If only she knew. I hadn't left, not really. I still pay the rent even though I don't live there, I still drop by every now and then when I know she's asleep just to feel close, I still smile admiringly when she walks past without seeing me and think yeah, that's my girl. I even bribed the local gang of chav's to watch out for her, to keep her safe in the streets. I still had her world firmly glued together but she was still breaking. Still falling apart inside. I'd caught her once crying by the window, and it tore me apart. Because no matter how much I tried to ease my conscience by making everything else perfect for her it'd always be me behind those tears.
But a part of me, the selfish bitch part, was happy for it. Because it meant she hadn't moved on. Weeks and weeks later she was still waiting for me to come back. Not that she'd ever admit that. She was too stubborn. But I saw it in those tears. She still loved me. I wouldn't be surprised if I went back and found everything the way I'd left it, her subtle way of keeping some form of me around while she waited. It kept me going I guess, knowing she wasn't with someone else. It'd been a continual fear that she'd simply seen my letter and gone out to find something better. Like she was meant to. Because she didn't deserve to have someone like me around controlling her emotions and breaking her heart. She deserved to be happy and to love to be loved, to be taken care of right. But every time I pictured her with someone else I felt like crying myself. Because it's always going to be her. She'll always be my little emo who punched the sense into me with her fist then blew my world apart with her kiss.
So maybe Kelly was right, I could fix this. Maybe Annabelle was right and we were made for each other. Christ while we're at it Chelsea was right for saying we were stupid bints who needed to clue up. All our friends wanted was to see us together, away from the heartache and back in love. That's why they kept visiting. Social call they'd say but really it was a nagging fest. Thing is it only ever sank in when Annabelle and Kelly said it. Maybe because it was them, the two alphas who'd looked out for me and everyone else at school, the enigmas of St Trinians. Probably it was because they were the only ones who really seemed to be pushing this out of care for us both. Chelsea, Polly, even the twins who loved Andrea to bits, had given up after week three. But Kelly was a never ending fireball of reasoning while Annabelle was the force behind her. They'd push and push until I either snapped and ran again or finally did something about it.
The way I saw it I only had two choices here; go forward or go back. I could turn my back and leave without her or i could save the only thing in my life that ever really mattered to me. It's strange how something so simple could so hard. But I guess the decision was made long before we'd left school, before we'd even started a relationship, back when I first fought with the goth. I'd always be that boomerang she didn't ask for, that scale nine hurricane that tore everything up. I'd always go back and ruin her life over and over again. But thats who I am. Who we are. Ever wonder what happens when a tornado meets a vulcano? I have and I know how it's going to end. But I'm still going to do it, and I'll be happy with what I get because it'll be coming from her, my emo. Oh she'll be angry, maybe even murderous. But I'll be ready to take any hit she deals me. A kiss with a fist is better than none after all.
Review because it took me ages thinking up how to sneakily add in all the lyrics. I bet you can't find them all! :P