Name: MARVEL: Hogwarts Edition

Summary: The Marvel universe invades the HP universe. How? By turning things really to be funny. Set in Harry's 5th year.

So this basically came to me after reading 'Thinking In Little Green Boxes' which all of you should go read NOW. I don't even know how come this came to me after reading that because the has no relation or resemblance to that fic exept perhaps the massive crossover that'll happen here.

So yeah, I'm not even going to try to explain what this fic is about - believe me when I say I tried - since its damn near impossible to explain. Just read and try not to hate this.

CHAPTER 1

The first sign that something was wrong was when Harry had barely been at home for one day when his Aunt burst into his room early in the morning.

"WHERE IS HE?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?", shrieked Aunt Petunia.

Harry, having only seconds ago been dreaming about the Graveyard could only come up with one eloquent answer, "Huh?"

"DON'T LIE TO ME! WHERE IS HE?"

"What?", he asked, flabbergasted.

"STOP EVADING MY QUESTIONS!"

"But I don't understand what you are going about!", snapped Harry.

"WHERE IS HE?!", she screamed.

"WHO?!", he shouted back.

"VERNON, YOU LITTLE FREAK! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM?!"

Harry blinked, "I didn't do anything to him!"

"THEN WHY ISN'T HE HERE?!"

Harry's brain finally picked up on what he was hearing, "You mean to tell me he's just disappeared?"

"OF COURSE I'M TELLING YOU THAT, YOU WOULD KNOW! YOU DISAPPEARED HIM!"

Harry jumped up from his bed, "Aunt Petunia, this could be serious! I didn't disappear Uncle Vernon, someone could have kidnapped him!"

Petunia looked at him in horror, "You mean I've been shouting at you for no reason?"

"I'm afraid so."

She began to wail on top of her lungs.

Dudley lumbered in, "I'm off to the arcade. I'll be back later", and with that he left the sobbing Petunia in Harry's room to Harry alone.

Harry patted her on the back and guided her downstairs for some tea. After that he placed her at the side of the telephone and told her to expect any calls from the kidnappers. She sat at the telephone's side, crying loudly, for the rest of the day.

By the next day nothing of Vernon had been heard and it still wasn't the obligatory 48 hours for Harry to be able to call the police and report Vernon as missing so Harry went to the neighbors to hear of they had seen anything.

"I saw him walk out of the house real early, alright", said one of the nosey neighbors, Mrs. Mullins, "He looked real confused and so on, hey, aren't you supposed to be in prison or something?"

"If that is all I'll be going then, Mrs. Mullins", said Harry and began to edge away when the woman said another thing.

"Oh, there was Mrs. Figg as well. Did exactly the same thing, she did."

He blinked a couple of times, "I – thank you Mrs. Mullins."

He went back to the house and sat beside a crying Petunia in the living. Dudley came in shortly after to watch the telly.

It was almost dinner time, and Harry had already made some sandwiches for the night when there was some loud knocking on the front door.

"We respect your status as a free citizen by knocking first!", said somebody behind the door, "But we reaffirm the authority of being your government by coming in anyway!"

"Wait, what?", was all Harry could say before the front door was broken open and the army marched in.

"We are here to collect one-", the army guy began and took out what looked like a coupon from his pocket, "-Dudley Dursley, yes. Are you him?"

"It's him, IT'S HIM!", Harry frenetically pointed at Dudley who had since lumbered out of the living room and was now gawping at the army guy with the coupon with his name.

"That's the coupon I filled in to win the Soldier of Fortune Game!", said Dudley excitedly, "Have I won?"

"Dear lad, this is no coupon for a game. This is a coupon for entering the army! But yes, you have won. Welcome to the Scottish Army, lad!"

Harry gaped at him. Dudley just looked on stupidly. Petunia came out of the living room and said, "But we're in England!"

"I have no idea what you are talking about ma'am", said the army guy with the coupon.

"But the army doesn't work like this!", argued Petunia and Harry couldn't help but agree with her.

"I'm in the army now?", asked Dudley, finally picking up on what was happening around him.

"Exactly my lad!", said the army guy, "Now, let's not waste time, you come with us right away!"

"WHAT?!", shrieked Petunia, "You can't take him away now! His father is missing!"

The army guy looked at the coupon, "Here it says he's an orphan."

"WHAT?!", shouted Petunia and rounded on Dudley, "How could you?!"

Harry looked at the coupon, "Hey! It doesn't say anything here about his parents!"

"Stay away boy!", the army guy pushed him away and the soldiers behind him went into fight stance, "This is classified information! One more trick of yours and I'll have you flogged!"

Harry wasn't sure whether he should first argue that that's not how the army works or if he should tell the man he was basically kidnapping Dudley – but the soldiers behind him made him change his mind so instead he kept quiet.

"Brilliant, now lad, let's go", the army guy pointed at the street where, sure enough, there was a car from the army waiting for them.

"What, without packing?", asked a horrified Petunia.

"Of course not", scoffed the man and his soldiers began to frogmarch Dudley out.

"But – but, I don't want to go", argued Dudley as he was halfway into the car's backseat.

"Nonsense boy", said the army guy and finally shut the door when Dudley was inside.

"MY BABY!", wailed Petunia.

The army guy saluted at her, "Your son was a hero ma'am."

"Wait, what do you mean 'was'? He's right behind you!", said an aggravated Harry.

"Sure lad", said the army guy, got into the car, and drove off.

It took almost an hour of work and effort to guide Aunt Petunia back into the house and into the living room where she clang at the telephone and cried until she fell asleep.

"Tomorrow", said Harry to himself, "I'm going to the police to tell them about Vernon and how strangely Dudley was taken away. I'm sure that wasn't normal."

Next day, he gave Petunia some eggs and bacon for breakfast, dressed and was just about to leave when he opened the door and saw the army standing there once again.

"What?", he said in surprise, "Have you come to give back Dudley?"

"Who?", asked the same man that had come the previous day to take away Dudley.

"Yesterday you were here and took away a boy!"

"Yesterday? No, no, that was months ago", said the army guy.

Harry resisted the urge to facepalm, "If not for that, then why are you here?"

He took out a coupon from his pocket, "We are here for one Harry Potter."

Harry gaped at them, "That's the coupon I filled in for a free ice cream!"

The army guy shook his head, "No, no, this is a coupon for joining the army. Congratulations! You are now a member of the Scottish Army!"

Harry looked at the man and the soldiers behind him in horror, turned around and tried to run away.

He didn't get ten steps away before his arms and legs got grabbed by soldiers and then he got carried off to the car.

"No! Wait! I don't want to go! You can't force me to go!", he shouted as he got stuffed into the backseat of the car. He glanced at the house and saw a bewildered Petunia stare at him.

"CALL THE POLICE!", he shouted as the car pulled away with him inside.

After hours of driving they dropped him off at some obscure military base full of people twice his size and arrogant as hell.

He was tossed and kicked around until he was given one flimsy bed and an uniform that resembled the ones he'd seen in the museum and history books to illustrate WW2 uniforms.

"But I don't want to be here!", he kept on saying, nobody listened to him. All their testosterone-filled brains could think about was punching Hitler. He became quite concerned for himself once he realized they REALLY meant it.

"One, One, One, Two, Three, Four – Move it you pansies!", shouted their instructor.

Harry had been there two days already and he was feeling as hell. Since he never got any physical training at Hogwarts he was the most unfit of the group and kept being left behind.

"But –", gasp, "-I don't-", gasp, "-want-", gasp, " to be-", gasp, "-here!", he said as he was drilled into a fifteenth lap around the camp.

Finally, he just gave up and collapsed.

"My, my, what do we have here?", he heard an elderly voice and when he looked up he saw Mrs. Figg.

"Mrs. Figg!", he exclaimed on jumped up, "I'm so glad to see you!", even if she was wearing what also looked like a WW2 female uniform and red lipstick and had done something weird to her hair, he was still happy.

"Oh, are you?", she smiled at him, he didn't remember her having half as many teeth before.

"Why are you here?", he asked.

She held her out for him to shake, "The name's Feggy", she grinned at him.

"W-what?", he stammered.

"You are a young handsome man, you are!"

He looked at her in horror.

She batted her elderly eyelashes at him.

Harry looked at her and then at the retreating group of wannabe Hitler-punchers, then he looked back at her.

"I – I gotta go train", he said and ran away as fast as he could, all his previous fatigue forgotten.

On his third day there things turned for worse when some crazy guy threw a grenade at the recruits. Harry, being, well, Harry, but also a Gryffindor tried to take to blow for himself and covered the grenade. After all, if he could get away from the camp by jumping on a grenade it would one great improvement.

But, as his luck would have it, it all turned out to be some sort of test which he alone passed and then got selected for some mumbo-jumbo weird muggle experiment where he was probably going to have his ass cut off or something.

The head scientist came to visit him in his horrible bedroom and sat on another flimsy bed and tried to reassure him by taunting him with alcohol only to take it away in the last minute.

That night he went out, find some chain and went back to his bed to chain himself to it. If he was going to have his ass cut off then nobody was going to tell him he didn't resist it.

Bad thing, living on an army camp they soon got a saw and dragged him away while he was screaming blue murder.

Then he was placed into a car with Mrs. Figg 'Feggy', who then flirted with him all the way to some old grimy antique shop.

He shot out of the car as soon as it stopped and kept as far away from Feggy as possible.

Once they went down a badly hidden lift he saw a metallic bed on which he was going to get strapped to. Having heard that this was something used in tortured he tried to run away again, but Feggy was standing at the door batting her eyelashes at him. He turned around and jumped on the bed.

"Don't let her come near me!", he pleaded.

"Ah, young love", chuckled the head scientist as he began to strap him on.

After that they jabbed him multiply times with all kinds of terrifying syringes, but the knowledge of an even more terrifying Feggy standing at the door kept him from bolting.

Then they put in him a large cylindrical oven and cooked him. He screamed at them to let him out, but all he heard from the other side of the oven was Feggy telling them how he would want to continue till the end.

He then passed out from sheer frustration. When he woke up he was out of the oven and everybody was ogling him.

"Oh, Harry!",Feggy mooned over him.

He looked down, "Sweet Merlin!"

He was not only about a foot or two higher, but also was heavily build in muscles. They let him stagger out of the oven to ogle better at his abs. While they gawped at him he fumbled through his discarded t-shirt and produced his glasses.

"Harry, why are you putting on your glasses?", asked the head scientist, but before Harry could answer him a guy shot the head scientist, ironically, in the head and ran for it.

"NO!",Feggy was at the head scientist's side and crying over his body in an instant.

He took this moment of distraction from Feggy and ran for it as well, maybe that random murderer could show him a good hiding place?"

So he ran after the man in hopes of catching up and asking him this, but the guy instead got angry and started to shoot at him.

"Hey!", he shouted at the man who, without any aim whatsoever, instead of shooting him, shot the hot dog out of a guy's hand that was standing nearby.

"No! My Hot Dog!", cried the man in misery.

"Are you alright, sir?", he asked the man.

"NO! That oik just blew up my lunch! But what are you standing here for, boy? Go get him!"

And with that Harry set off at a high speed to get to the hot dog killer. Several blocks later, a couple of explosions and one hostage situation later he was cornering the murderer in some alley.

"We will never die! HAIL THE WATER SNAKE!", and with that he died.

"Aw man, I only wanted to know if you had a good hiding place! Hey look, what's this?", he picked up a broken vial.

"Harry!",Feggy came running round the corner with a couple dozen soldiers and took in the sight of the dead guy.

"WATER SNAKE", she hissed, her already wrinkled forehead wrinkled even further as she was in anger.

"Oh well, too bad everybody died. Now, if you excuse me I'll go n-", while in midsentence he got picked up and carried back to the lab with the giant oven where they took his blood and spoke in whispers.

One of the army guys eventually approached him and told him they basically wanted him to become a show monkey.

"What? Hell no", he answered the man.

"Well, yes, I understand that this might be difficult for you. After all that's happened and of you accept this you probably wouldn't see Miss Feggy again and-"

"SIGN ME UP!"

The next day he was dancing along some girls in mini-kilts while he was walking around in a chainmail suite with the flag of Scotland on the chest and a shield that also had Scotland's pattern.

He punched some guy dressed up as Hitler a couple of times as the crowd cheered and ignored the fact that, despite that he called himself Captain Scotland they were currently in Wales.

The whole show business thing only lasted about two days before he was shipped off to some camp in a war ridden area.

"Why are we here? Can't I just go back to the crowd of five-year olds?", he pleaded as he was pushed on stage and Feggy was in the first row waving at him.

"I was promised I'd never see her again!", he shouted to the people backstage as the crowd of soldiers jeered at him.

Soon after he gave up and was standing near some General's tent in hopes of getting away as soon as possible when Feggy came running out of that same tent.

"Merlin!", he shouted and was about to run away but she grabbed his arm and looked at him sadly.

"It's horrible Harry! Your best friend has been captured by the WATER SNAKE!"

"What? Ron is here too?!"

"Is that what you call him? Yes, he's here as well!"

Harry swallowed a lump of terror, "Where is the place they are keeping him?", he couldn't let poor Ron in that horrible mess.

She handed him a map, "Here, follow the marks I made with my lipstick", she smacked her lips at him.

Harry recoiled in horror, "I'll go save him now", and with that he ran away.

After several hours he found the enemy base of WATER SNAKE and sneaked in to rescue Ron. Goodness alone knew how Ron of all people had ended up a soldier as well.

He quickly disabled anybody in his path and found some cages to liberate people from. He asked everybody for Ron but nobody knew a red haired guy named Ron so he was forced to search further.

After some time he did find somebody he felt he vaguely knew.

"Dudley?", he asked as he gazed on his cousin, strapped to some table.

"Is that you Harry?", said Dudley hopefully.

"Why are you here, Dudley?", asked Harry as he unfastened Dudley from the table.

"What are you banging about? I'm Ducky", said a confused Dudley.

"Sure you are", he said and began to haul him away.

"Are you taller?", asked Dudley after a while.

Harry just shook his head and tried to run as the bombs began exploding. They entered some place where most of the round below seemed to be already in flames, they just needed to get to the other side of that catwalk.

That was when Uncle Vernon stepped in, "Ah! Der Captain Scotland!", he said in a heavy German accent.

"Uncle Vernon?", he said in disbelieve.

"Vhy do you inzolentschwachkopf call me Onkel?!", demanded the German sounding Vernon.

"You – you look just like my uncle!", said Harry, feeling very confused.

"Izziz some kind of Scottish insult?", bellowed the Vernon-lookalike.

"No!"

"Mein Name iz Herr Schmitley!", he said importantly.

Harry just stared at him, "You still look like my uncle though."

The man sneered at him, "Diziz enough! I shall show you the glory of the WATER SNAKE!", and with that he took off his face to reveal another face, only this one was all red and made him look like a skull.

"I am ze Crimson Skull!", he proclaimed and began advancing on them.

Harry, eyes wide, took the first set of chains that hang from the ceiling and motioned to Dudley to do the same, "Nuh uh, I'm outta here", he said and jumped off with Dudley.

Later they arrived at the camp with all the escaped prisoners and he was proclaimed a hero.

"I'm so glad you could rescue Ducky Durns!", said Feggy happily and tried to kiss him, but he was able dodge in time.

"That's him, my best friend in the world", said Ducky with one arm around his shoulders.

Harry just looked on in horror.

Hours later he was offered to go heroing around all the WATER SNAKE bases and destroy them with his newly formed band of lesser heroes.

"Does this mean I'll be away from Feggy?", he asked.

"I'm afraid so", said the General.

"SIGN ME UP!"

And with that started the adventures of Captain Scotland and his group of friends. Dudley was so different now that he was Ducky that Harry didn't even bother to have him nearby, he was better than Feggy, that was for sure.

They also gave him a nice new shield and when he asked what it was made of they said that they had used some sword a boy had found in a hat some years ago. He decided he didn't want to know how they had gotten it to make the shield.

With time they had almost decimated the entire WATER SNAKE bases and were now attacking some train of sort. They had barely landed on the train when Ducky, not looking where he was going, clumsily stepped on a banana peel and fell off the train.

"DUCKY!", Harry shouted because after almost two weeks of being surrounded by madness you got affected eventually.

After the train incident he generally spent time running away from Feggy and her constant insistence that they had a date, or kissed, or something.

The great day finally came when they attacked the big WATER SNAKE base. Unfortunately Herr Schmitley was there with a couple of bombs destined for every major city in Great Britain and he also tried to run away with a blue glowing cup that was encased within a blue glowing cube.

At the end they were both aboard some plane Harry had previously been using to hide from Feggy.

As Herr Schmitley died and the cup within the cube glowed through the plane floor, Harry was left with a bomb that was about to go off.

"Harry! Harry! Come back, we have an expert here that can help us!", said Feggy through the radio, "You can come home now Harry – incidentally, would you like to name our first child Mimsey or Fluffy-Boots?"

Harry turned to look back to bombs and thought better about going back. He picked up the radio, "It can't steer", he lied.

There was silence from the other line, "Oh Harry, I'll be waiting for you at the dance hall!"

"I don't think I'm coming back", internally he was cheering.

"And if you don't show up I'll marry you and you won't be there to say no or anything", she said.

Harry's eyes bulged, "I'm turning, I'm turning!", he said as he turned the plane without looking where he was going and directly crashed into a frozen lake in the middle of the summer.

There we are.

If you could all theorize which HP character will turn into which Marvel character? I think it be really fun to see what you guys think will happen next.