A/N – Don't own nuttin'. All characters, rights, and credits belong to the lovely Stephenie Meyer. Thanks for reading! Comments, constructive criticism, and any random babbles are more than welcomed! Read & Review! : ) OOC/AU/Rated T – for now. May change if my mind takes me to random places!
Blame It On The Moon.
"I can't do this alone." His body trembled. I could see the force behind his words. I could see his restraint. It was hard not to embrace him; to secure him within my dainty arms. "Bella, I can't…" He echoed, turning his pained eyes from mine. My soul wept for him; his pain… his position – a fight for title, place… and his life.
CHAPTER ONE:
AND THEN THERE WAS LIGHT.
I was running. Fast. Pushing my burning lungs to keep going, to keep breathing. The surrounding forest blurred into various hues of greens and browns – smears. Like trickling smears upon a large canvas, the foliage blended together into one ambiguous background to my fleeing body. Finally, they came. The tremors rocked through me like tidal waves crashing upon a small fishing ship. They were forceful, almost painful, yet with the pain came such sweet satisfaction. My heart felt as though it would beat out of my chest with each passing thud. I urged it on, I welcomed the change.
And then it happened.
Large heavy paws slammed against the damp forest floor with each step I took. Tiny fluffs of shredded clothing rained down upon me from the heavens. I pushed faster – harder – finally breaking through the forest's edge. I planted myself into the ground and came to a halt at the steep cliff side and howled fiercely at the moon.
"Bells! Bella!" A distant voice beckoned to me and I could feel the sadness pierce my heart. It would be coming to an end soon… too soon.
No. Not now. Go away, please!
"Bells?" His voice was scruff and full of worry, "Bella! Come on now!" Charlie shook me forcefully. My body flopped about lazily beneath his efforts as I fought to stay locked within my unconsciousness. "Bella!"
"What?" I groaned, my tiny hands pushing at him with great annoyance.
"You were…" He began hesitantly, "howling again…" Charlie cleared his throat with obvious discomfort. I was certain this was a situation he had never planned on encountering when I moved back in with him. Nightmares were one thing, but to have your teenage daughter kicking around in bed like she was chasing a cat while she howled at a disconcerting level – now that was a whole new ball game.
"I was not howling, Dad…" I pushed myself upright and rubbed tiredly at my swollen eyes. I had not been sleeping well, not since the dreams started, not since I've last seen Jake. It had been weeks since I slept soundly.
"Could've fooled me."
"What time is it?" I stretched languidly and peered at the dark window.
"It's 4:30 in the morning, Bells."
"You're up early."
"Heading in to check into some things…. Look, are you sure you're okay to be staying here alone? You could, I don't know, come into the station with me, or come after school…"
"Dad, I'm not 9 years old. I'm fine, just some bad dreams or something. Maybe I should lay off the late night snacking…" I pulled a large robe off the back of my headboard and wrapped it tightly around me before pushing myself up out of bed. Charlie peered at me suspiciously as I pulled some socks from my dresser drawer.
"Isn't it a bit early, Bella?" Charlie rubbed the back of his neck as a look of bewilderment overtook his normal look of indifference.
I shrugged, "I might as well get up now. My alarm would have gone off in an hour anyways. Did you make coffee?"
Charlie's confusion deepened. "Coffee?"
The art of being a teenager was one that was hard to master. To be a well-rounded teen, out of trouble, one which your parents could be proud of – it was a difficult task. Though, that was who I was. I never really found myself to be one who wanted anything but what was normal. I never really craved danger or change. I had no desire to be an over achiever. I was who I was – Bella Swan, forever riding the line of habitual averageness. I felt as if I was lacking. Well, up until I met… them. The art of being a teenager who ran around with a family of Vampires, even more difficult to master. With my life, as it was, I certainly felt older – maybe 24… mid-twenties sounded about right for me. I was domesticated… that was a fact. I cooked, cleaned, mended… did all of the things a typical house wife should, however I lacked a husband. I did, however, have an inept Father who was in desperate need of a female's touch around the house. Before I came to live with him, his life consisted of wrinkled day old clothing and TV Tray dinners. I was growing up, faster than I should, probably, but that shouldn't come as a surprise – to either one of my parents. After all, I had been my Mother's caretaker, for all intents and purposes, for as long as I could remember. I had always been the voice of reason… I had always been the adult. Add in the events which had taken place over the last year or so… maybe my age would average mid-thirties.
"What's with the look of shock and awe, Dad? It's coffee, not cocaine." I yawned heftily before making my way out of my small room. I could not stand to be enclosed within such small quarters with my Father any longer. Over the last few weeks he had been shadowing me, always watching me with concerned eyes as though I could break at any moment. Edward was gone; he was not coming back, regardless of how many times I wished upon shooting stars. The pain… the overbearing emptiness, was profound, but I had found a way to make it through each day… through each earth shattering moment. Well, I had found a way…
"What are your plans for today then?" Charlie's voice rang down from upstairs as I entered the kitchen and proceeded to fill a small mug with steaming coffee.
"School."
"Uh huh. That's it?"
"Yep." I heard his heavy footsteps clunking towards me as he made his way into the kitchen.
"Do you need anything?" He looked stricken, as though he were watching a dying animal and all he could do was observe.
"I'm fine. Really… I am." I was not convincing. Hell, I didn't even convince myself that I was fine. I had not been anything since he had left. I didn't want to be anything. Months had passed since he abandoned me – rejected me… months… since he left me for dead in the middle of the forest. Okay, that's slightly dramatic; however that is basically what it was. My soul died that day. Edward had taken whatever was within me with him and left only a shell. I functioned, I survived, but I was not fine. Each breath I took was a conscious decision. Nothing came natural any more until Jacob offered me some semblance of a life again. He rescued me… again and again. Each day that he spent with me, he saved me. With each day that passed, I could begin to feel my heart beat again. Then, to be expected in the natural disaster that is my life – he vanished. He refused my calls, avoided me, and even went as far as telling Charlie to keep me away. The news Jake had shared with me had already digested – it had already taken up permanent residence within my mind; I had accepted it and embraced it. So his Vanishing Act was definitely not one I had considered to be on the horizon. Maybe he was on drugs. Maybe. Or maybe it was my reality to be forever alone. Forsaken by those I loved and held dear.
"Alright." Charlie muttered as he rubbed his neck like he often did when he was at a loss for words. I watched as he shuffled back and forth as though he were mulling over something to say to me. Finally, the internal battle was over and Charlie spoke with his usual unaffected tone, "I'll be back around 6 O'clock tonight."
"Mmk." I nodded at him and forced my lips to smile. Judging by his reaction, my attempts failed. Hopefully, whatever ghastly expression I offered settled his uneasiness, but the likelihood of that was slim.
•••
The floorboards creaked beneath my feet as I paced back and forth in my room; the boards were weathered due to my steps. I watched as the minutes ticked by on my small alarm clock. Soon, it would be time to head to school. Soon, it would be time to be surrounded by the living. If only the zombie apocalypse could happen today, then maybe I'd feel like I belonged. Being surrounded by the walking dead as they feasted upon the brains of my schoolmates, yes, that seems like it'd be a good day. I certainly felt as though I were a zombie, dragging and shuffling around in purposeless existence. I wanted to avoid the stares, the giggles, the gawking as though I had escaped from a padded room and foamed at the mouth…
I decided school was over rated. At least, until I cornered Jacob and demanded an explanation. I snatched my keys from the table and made my way to my pickup determined to find Jacob and make today the day that his avoidance ends. I felt empowered as I started the pickup and allowed the engine to roar. I felt empowered as I raced down the highway towards Jacob's house, silently rehearsing my argument and plan of attack. I felt empowered as I entered the Reservation, driving up and down narrow roads and dirt ways as I approached Jake's home. I killed the engine and found that all resolute bravery, all of the empowerment I had felt was no longer. Only the sinking feeling of rejection and fear lingered. I gulped past the hefty lump within my throat and decided to push through. I had to rip the Band-Aid off.
I stomped towards the house, my resolve returning. I felt the distinct rush of adrenaline as I pushed in the front door; waving my hand wildly at Billy, Jacob's wheelchair bound father, as I darted towards Jake's room. Standing tall, I shoved open the door and narrowed my eyes, Jacob sat quietly – stunned by my sudden arrival – and tilted his head curiously. Before he could speak, I began my tirade! I ranted and raved! I shouted and screamed! I was angry, no – I was hurt. Wait, maybe I was angry more than I was hurt. Who cares, I was finally saying my peace. I shook my finger at him and stomped my foot like a defiant child. "… And Jake, what you did was rude! … Cruel! You're an ass!" I felt pleased with my speech. Jacob opened his mouth to speak but the oddest sound came from his full lips. Tap tap tap!
… TAP TAP TAP!
A repetitive tapping came at my window.
I blinked several times, lost deep within a whirlwind of confusion. My left hand clutched at the door handle while my right hand firmly gripped the steering wheel of my rusty pickup. I shook my head a time or two, trying to decipher what was my reality when finally I realized my imagination had bested me, yet again. I felt a rush of defeat. My cheeks flushed and my shoulders slumped forward. I should've figured I was dreaming.
"He's not home, Bella." Seth's curious expression peered at me through the foggy window.
"Hey, Seth." I pushed open the door and slid out from behind the steering wheel. My shoes hit the mud beneath me with a loud squish, its slickness causing me to momentarily lose my balance. "Ya know when he'll be back?"
"Not sure." A look of worry lingered within Seth's eyes; the usual look of joy was completely absent. Seeing Seth this way caused the uneasiness to return.
"Is he okay?"
"Well…" Seth bit his lower lip, a look of desperation crept through him. I could sense he wanted to say something, yet couldn't. I knew what it probably was… Sam and his stupid rules.
"It's Jake, isn't it?" I urged, searching for any sign within his body that I was right. "Something's wrong?"
"I'm fine." Jake's husky voice startled me, causing me to stumble sideways. His quick hands were around my waist and stabilizing me within a moment and I felt suddenly calm beneath his warm touch.
Seth's eyes danced with relief and the childish grin I loved so dearly about him returned. "Good to see ya, Jake." He punched Jacob's arm in brotherly fashion. Jake nodded in response and offered a quick grin as he let me go. I could sense that Seth yearned to stay, but he would allow us space and privacy. Seth had never been one to want to upset his hero. He smiled brightly and pat Jake on the back, "I'll stop by later, Jake! See ya, Bella!" I watched as he happily marched off and I almost considered following him. Seth had always made me smile and, right now, smiling felt nice.
I could feel the wave of tension crash upon me as Seth vanished from view. This was it, my time to rant. My time to rave. I turned to lock my stern eyes onto Jacob's, but as my gaze met his, my rage seemed to dissolve. As mad as I was, it was comforting to see Jake.
"Bella, I told you…"
"No!" I choked, "No! You don't get to do this." My tantrum erupted, "You don't get to drop this bomb on me and then vanish! I get that things are different now! I understand that you are going through a lot, with all of these changes and stuff! So am I, Jake, I'm dealing with a lot too, you know…" I wanted to hold my breath until I was blue in the face…. I wanted to fall, face down, onto the ground and kick and scream in protest. I wanted to show him exactly how badly this hurt, to be separated from him. "I can't… I can't lose you."
"It's for your own good." His voice shook with his words and I could tell they were not his own.
"I don't get what changed! What happened? We were fine, Jake. Everything was fine. I didn't… don't care what you are or why! What changed since then? Why haven't you been around? It's been weeks!" I could feel the tears threatening to pour from my eyes. It had taken all of my remaining strength to remain composed… well, as composed as I could be. I had thought things were going to be okay. Even after finding out that Jacob was a wolf… after seeing Embry… Sam… meeting Emily… after everything. I thought it was all going to be just fine! So my best friend was a wolf, who cares! I had, technically speaking, dated a dead guy. "You just… vanished."
"You need to go."
"I need you."
Jake melted slightly at my words but found his resolve swiftly. "Bella, I need you to go." Jacob turned suddenly and began trekking through the slick mud towards his house. I knew this was it. My time to say something grand; my time to say something profound to make him stay. To help him see that I was not the enemy, that we needed one another.
"During all of this… this darkness, Jake, you've been my light!" I shouted at the back of his head as I watched him walk away. Okay, so not my best material, but hey. It was out there and I couldn't take it back.
The breath caught in my chest as Jake planted his feet a few yards away from me. He turned abruptly and took several lengthy steps towards me. His face was sullen and I half expected him to maul me. We sat, eyes locked, still and silent for what seemed like an eternity until a quirky smile, my favorite smile, broke out upon Jacob's lips. "That has to be the cheesiest line ever."