I don't own FMA. This israted T for suggestiveness, and the full title is at the end of this fic.

ED'S FIRST

Al sat alone in the military dorm reading a magazine while waiting for his brother when the door opened, revealing a barely standing Ed. He leaped up and was instantly at his brother's side. "Brother! What happened to you? Are you all right? Did Envy attack you?" he asked worriedly as he lifted and carried Ed to the bed, where he laid him down and started examining him for injuries.

" No, worse," moaned Ed, " That blasted Mustang decided we State Alchemists needed some 'physical training', so he had Armstrong put us through this thing he picked up from the East called 'tai bo', or something. We did that, plus an obstacle course, for 2 hours! Al, it felt like I was being tortured by Izumi, Envy, AND Scar! Oh, I never felt so stiff and sore in my LIFE!"

"Poor Brother," soothed Al, stroking Ed's head. He then had an idea. "Brother, I know just the thing to help you! Go take a hot shower, then come lie down. I'll fix you right up!"

Ed looked at him quizzically, then he did as Al told him.

"Okay, Brother, now lie on your belly. No, don't put your boxers on, just leave the towel around you and lie down." Al instructed.

"Al, what are you.."

"Just trust me."

"Okay, fine," Ed laid on his stomach, then sniffed, "Al, is that strawberry I smell?"

"Yup. I know how you like strawberries, so I got this scented oil. Now put your arms like so, and just relax."

Envy looked menacingly up at the military dorm window where he knew the Elric brothers' room was, then began climbing a nearby tree. This is a test run, he thought to himself. Then tonight, my little Full Micro, I'll have you in my clutches! As he climbed closer to the barely open window, his thoughts of ways to torture Ed were interrupted by the strange noises coming from the window:

"Mmm...mmm, Aaallll. Ohhh, Al, where did you learn to DO this? Ohh..."

"From a magazine I borrowed from Colonel Mustang. Does it feel good?"

"Ohh, yess! Oh, Al..it (mmph) it must be illegal to feel thiss goood!"

"No it isn't, Brother," giggled Al," Especially when it's being done by someone you love."

" Ohh, yes, yess! Soo true, Al... and.. and I loovve youu..."

"I love you too, Brother, that's why I'm doing this."

Envy, curious, peeped into the window and was instantly sorry that he did.

"Well, Envy? Found a way to grab him?" asked Lust when he ran up to the alley where she and Gluttony were staking out. Gluttony busied himself with the dumpster's contents.

"I found a way to be DIGUSTED with him! Man, how revolting can you get?" he replied angrily.

"What are you blabbering about?" she asked.

"Full Micro and his tin can brother! Lust, I heard and saw stuff there that I never want to see or hear again!" He described the noises, "Then I looked into their window, and I saw Ed lying nearly naked on the bed with his brother moving over him! Gross!"

"Envy, come on, aren't you jumping to conclusions? They're BROTHERS for kami's sake!" said Lust.

"I KNOW they're brothers! That's why it's so gross! Look this is right up YOUR alley, why don't YOU go up there? I'd rather watch Gluttony eating rotten trash!" Envy retorted.

Lust sighed and rolled her eyes. " Okay, fine! I'll go up there and see what you're soo disgusted about! Gluttony, be good and mind Envy till I come back."

" Uhm, hokahg" replied Gluttony with a mouthful of pastry box.

Lust climbed the tree, cursing Envy's spinelessness and her dress that's too long to climb trees with. As she neared the Elrics' window, she heard the noises that made

Envy cringe:

"Ohhhh, A-Alll, yess.. oh, please, harder. Do it harder."

"But Brother, I might hurt you."

" 's okay, I can take it. Really."

"Okay, Brother, you asked for it."

" Mmmnh... yesss, yes! Oh Al, please don't stop!"

Not daring to look, Lust quickly climbed down and ran back to the alley, where Envy was feeding Gluttony some molded muffins. "Well, Lust? How'd it go?" asked Envy.

" I so hate it when you're right!" she grumbled, ignoring Envy's smirk, "Okay, we'll scrap our plans for now. C'mon, let's go home." But one day, Little Eddie, we'll have you screaming, and it WON'T be in pleasure, she thought to herself.

" So, Fury, tell me again why we're going down the officer's wing of the dorm?" asked Havoc as they walked together.

" Because this is a great shortcut, especially when it's cold out..Hey, c'mon here and listen to this!" Fury whispered, guiding his friend's ear to the Elrics' door.

" Ooohhh.. Ooohh, Al.. Al! I.. I wish I could make you (mmnph) feel what I'm feeling right now.."

" You will, Brother, once you get my body back."

"You..you better believe (umph) I will..mmmm.."

"Brother, you're purring like a kitten. I like that."

Havoc and Fury looked at each other in shock, then thinking as one, raced to Colonel Mustang's office.

Roy was finishing up some last- minute paperwork and going over his miniskirt designs when he heard the frantic knocking at his office door. "Enter," he said sternly.

Havoc and Fury ran up to the colonel's desk, came to attention, saluted crisply, then Havoc began, " Sir! We heard the Elric brothers in their room, and they were saying some, er, suggestive-"

Roy raised his hand to interrupt, " Havoc, are you aware of the military's ' don't ask, don't tell' policy?"

"Yes, Sir!" replied Fury and Havoc together.

"Then you'll understand why I'm telling you that what goes on in the Elrics' room is thier business. Am I clear?" Roy asked calmly. The two subordinates nodded. "Good. Please remember that next time you take a shortcut in the dorms. That'll be all."

The two men saluted the colonel and quickly walked out vowing never to take another shortcut throuh the dorms.

Roy finished his paperwork and noticed his physical fitness magazine was missing. Wondering where it went, he remembered Al was looking at it earlier. Well, he thought, I guess I'll go pay the brothers a visit.

Ed laid on his back and smiled at his brother. "Thanks, Al. that was the best feeling I've ever had! Where did you say you learned how to do this?" he asked as he put a lollipop in his mouth.

"From this fitness magazine I found in the colonel's office. Here, take a look," Al laid down next to him and showed him the article on full - body massages. Just then, there was a knock on the door. "I'll get it, Brother."

Al opened the door and allowed Roy to enter the room. Roy looked calmly at the sight of Ed lying in bed propped up by a pillow with only a towel draped across hips and a lollipop in his mouth, reading his fitness magazine.

"Hey, colonel, what can we do for you?" asked Ed, a little surprised to see Roy.

" Fullmetal. Alphonse," replied the colonel in a professional manner, " I only wanted to remind you to return my magazine when you are done. Take your time, carry on." He turned and walked out the door, muttering something only Al could hear.

"What was that all about? " Ed asked, puzzled.

"Beats me, Brother," replied Al, "but can you tell me what the colonel meant by 'don't ask, don't tell' ? That's what he said when he left."

"Who knows? Maybe ol' Roy's losing it," Ed said with a smirk.

THE END March 28,2005

Now for the full title of this story! It's called ED'S FIRST MASSAGE!