Tricks of the Dead

Well this is the spinoff of my other story Death's advocate; you don't need to read that one as there will be no plot links though there may be some character references. Warnings for dry and offensive jokes or comedy.

Apple

I was standing in my room when I heard voices, strange unfamiliar ones which crept up the stairs. My room was shrouded in darkness, it was night and for the first time Edward was not around to watch over me; he was hunting. The power had gone out the moment I woke up and the next thing I heard was a shattering and voices from below.

"Who the hell?" Charlie's voice demanded aloud but he was silent very quickly and I lunged for my phone, no signal. Great just great, I'm being robbed by who knows what and... maybe it was Victoria. My blood turned cold, only ensuring her a cool meal.

"Is this the room," a deep and official sounding voice asked and I stepped back from the door, hoping to hide from whoever was here. It didn't sound like a vampire, at least I hoped it wasn't but at the same time I wondered just who it could be. I silently reached into my bag and withdrew the pepper spray Charlie had got me.

Then the door was forced open and three men in black riot gear charged in, armed to teeth and only lacking the shields. I froze and my eyes were only drawn to the skull on their shoulder pads. I knew Police did not use them in Forks or any state that I knew of.

"Bella Swan?" one questioned and I only nodded, wondering what they wanted and hoping it was not with me. Sleek, long rifles the same colour as their amour were suddenly aimed at me and just when I was expecting an arrest they fired, something, or something's, pounded into my chest and I was falling backwards. My eyes closed and a strange light filled my eyes as the words mission completed filled my ears and darkness overcame me. Numbing my body and sending me to another place.

Another place however turned out to be a waiting room, a clinical white one with leather chairs, a selection of outdated magazines and no reception. There were others in there but no one was talking, in fact most of them were either clutching part of their body or weeping. Lights beamed down from above and I wondered just the where I hell I was and if I had dreamed being shot by three masked men. Then my eyes flickered to the magazines and my jaw opened.

Yes your dead, a guide to the afterlife

Guilty or Not? The inner workings of the Fate Criminal Courts

Exclusive interview, pop stars give their death secrets.

I was dead? No way this had to be some sort of joke? If I was dead would it really look like this? A doctor's waiting room, and besides death was just something that happened not... not some sort of business.

"Bella Swan," a smiling elderly woman in long black robes spoke my name gently. A kindness was behind it and her eyes caught mine, I raised my hand.

"Would you like to come with me dear?" she requested and gingerly I rose of the soft leather, watching this woman warily. I opened my mouth to speak

"Oh no, I'm not allowed to answer questions. Its policy," she cut me off before I could even speak and instead led me down a wooden hallway with red carpet and posters on the wall. Ones with shimmering writing and an odd look about them.

Lived in autocracy? Ask about rehabilitation or de-North Koreaing now!

Keep calm and die on

Please forsake all your religions before seeing you case worker, they will be of little use.

"What?" I wasn't overly religious, you can't be really when you meet a family of vampires but what was going on? This was not how I expected death to be like and I wanted to know what was stopping me from hyperventilating and screaming the place down.

The woman knocked three times on a wooden oak door.

"Come in." The door was opened and the woman, not entering, held the door open for me.

"Miss Bella Swan," the old woman announced before shutting the door and leaving me in an office. A small one with a desk ,two sturdy chairs and a mess of paper both on the desk and around it. A computer monitor joined the paper while files littered all the bookshelves. Behind the desk was window but from what I could tell nothing was outside.

"Ahh Miss Swan, sit down I understand you must be scared. Don't worry you're in safe hands." A dark skinned woman smiled shaking my hand warmly, her pointed face alive with emotion while rounded eyes emitted repetition. This was just too weird.

"Sorry who the hell are you?" I wasn't normally a outspoken person, in fact I really wasn't even though I'm sure I used to be. Regardless my question had some merit.

"You're dead my dear, killed by our response team ten minutes ago. I'm Jasmine." The woman stated flicking her silky black hair as if it was nothing. Her voice I placed as British and suddenly I was even more confused.

"Sorry you killed me?" I demanded indignantly, I was confused, angry and half terrified.

"Well yes and no, shall I explain who I am?" Jasmine inquired gently much to my dismay and deciding I needed to understand this person in order to work out what the hell was going on I nodded my head.

"Well my name is Jasmine and I am a Death's Advocate. I am responsible for overseeing a number of cases and one of which is yours. My job is to get your file ready and sent you off to the afterlife, according to you file you have not committed any indecent moral offence so you'll go straight through. Now do you have any questions?"

"Ok why did you kill me?" I asked in a voice that brimmed with irritation; weirdness and being killed was not boding well for my temper.

"You outlived you death date, it was set at in the late evening two months ago." Wait I was supposed to die when James attacked? Was Edward not supposed to save me?

"Oh wait no, even longer. Your first meeting with a vampire in fact, this file is just..." The woman trailed off in a hiss. Wait I med Edward first, was he supposed to kill me?

"Death date?" I stated

"Yes, somehow this vampire didn't kill you, so we had to send in the forces. Don't worry we don't blame you, I think. This file was done by that ginger prick so we're never going to know."

"Who?" So my life had been filed by a prick who also happened to be ginger, I wasn't sure what that had to do with anything.

"Yes, take on his work he said, it will be great he said. I'll pay you extra he said, I should have known that moment it was a trick."

"Sorry the ginger one?" I was frowning now,

"No Death, but my complaints aren't for you. They're for the union. Don't ever mention the word union again!" She barked harshly and I was about to give up on this entire conversation. Then I decided to try one last time.

"Are you ok?" I asked rightfully worried, the woman did not seem overly stable in her current position

"Look I don't know what you're talking about ok! I have no idea. If I'm dead whatever but the first vampire I met was vegan."

"Vegan?" Jasmine repeated disbelievingly, then her eyes flickered with light. "Wait Cullens?"

"Yes!" Jasmine looked ready to pass out; she was glaring at me with visible fear. Then she buried her head in her hands and sighed deeply.

"Oh for crying out loud!" she screamed standing up, she was beyond angry and stormed to the door.

"Usher, I need Death here now!" she demanded before roughly slamming the door. I just watched, what was going in this place now!

"Sorry what the hell is going on now?" I demanded deciding it best to ask now, Jasmine turned to me and sighed.

"There's been a screw up. Your last caseworker didn't realise that not all vampires were blood thirsty animals. Death!" Jasmine screamed again storming back to her desk and typing on a crystal white keyboard with ferocity. I gave up then.

"Right then, what the bloody hell is going on here? Believe it or not I actually have work to do, and meeting your every need isn't a job for me, in fact most men fail at it so what do you want!" A high cold voice spoke slowly from the door and I turned around to see a man stood at the doorway. A tall man who was unnaturally thin with a stressed mess of hair and sickly pale skin, his sunken eyes didn't even glance over at me. I wondered if he was were her manager or something, Death had to be a title or something.

"There's been a problem with the filing, this girl's entire file is wrong. The build up is impossible as is her death date." Jasmine stated and the man's irked voice spoke again but this time with what could only constitute as worry.

"What?"

"The vampire that was supposed to have killed her was vegan! One of the Cullen clan." Jasmine affirmed and that pale sickly man swopped over to the other side of the desk and began studying the computer screen with intensity. What were they looking at?

"Right, if I don't get to throw him out for this, then... wait a minute if this vampire couldn't have killed her how long was she off file?" The man asked sounding aghast and casting a glance in my direction. Jasmine looked abashed.

"A few months, the response team..."

"Two months! She should have died two months ago!" the man began to half shout,

"The response..."

"Why didn't you just tell me instead of going through the response team! They're about as effective as the US in Vietnam!"

"Death you started, in fact it was an economic boom." Jasmine stated, great so now I was realising that war was just cash to these people.

"I know," the other man looked dreamy and suddenly I picked up on something.

"Sorry Death?" she was calling him Death, the man looked at me. He didn't look thrilled to see me.

"That's me, I'm Death, taker of souls and the rest. Sorry no cloak and scythe, now Jasmine how did this happen?"

"Sorry Death's real?" I interrupted.

"Evidently, look shut up! For some reason a vampire didn't kill you and now I need to know what's going on. Jasmine what's this, subjection E, it has Tiff's code."

"Oh it's that cancelled storyline, you know the vampire reform project?" ahh Vampires now they were at least talking sense.

"Oh that one, the abandonment and child thing?" Wait what?

"That one, it was cancelled due to budget constraints and it was his idea." I was lost now, whatever they were talking about could just go on , I had a feeling it had stopped concerning me a while ago.

"Are you telling me that this department has had a A grade screw up and it was fucking Dave's fault!" Who was Dave?

"Yes, great so hang on. Why didn't the failsafe kick in? Surely the vampires would have had you killed the moment you knew?"

"They wouldn't do that, me and their son are together." I thought of Edward and just what he would make of all this. The pale faced man frowned,

"Wait you love him?" I nodded at his quizzical face.

"That's impossible, originally you and him were to be married, the budget was cut a month before we were going to enact and the file was rewritten. It would be impossible for you to love him." Death dismissed immediately.

"Well I do and he loves me!" I replied indignantly, I didn't know much right now but I loved him, I knew that!

"No he can't, I would not have allowed it!"

"And what gives you the power to dictate who I love? " I demanded in a voice which sounded alien to me.

"I'm Death!"

"Well get Edwards file or whatever and show me where it says he can't love me!"

Sorry vampires aren't my department unless they die. Anyway Jasmine we need do something here,"

"We have to report it don't we?" The pale faced man glared at her with his mouth agape.

"And do a full review of every file he ever worked on! Do you have any idea how expensive that will be? Our budget is more constrained than a bondage enthusiast! A full review... no ok! We can't." Death asked slowly looking around warily as if he was some sort of criminal.

"Can't you just send me back?" I was lost now, was I supposed to be dead or not? Did it even matter?

"She's right, what about a special application. Total file change." Death glared at her even more at the suggestion and unsaid words were passed between them.

"What can we do? Pretend this never happened?"

"No, time and relations to mortals act, section three prevents that. Unless." What act? In the short time I had been in this strange place the only thing I wanted to know was how to leave and instead it seemed I was being given a course in law. Or more accurately how to get around the law,

"Unless we tear the file up and exempt her!"

"You're doing what to me now?"

"Sorry Miss Swan, one minute." Jasmine was talking now and looking very worried, even more so than she had been earlier.

"Sorry no ok! You can have your little talk whenever you want bust if you're going to talk about me, then I'd like to be involved." I informed them darkly. The man smiled.

"Indeed, miss Swan I am suggesting that we exempt you from the institution of death itself."

"What does that mean?" I inquired and the pale faced man took a step closer to me.

"It means you cannot die. It would be impossible for you to die, no matter what happened you would stitch yourself back together and live on." Death answered slowly.

"Why are you so worried."

"Because it's illegal," Jasmine hissed but I didn't really care about their laws, not when I had a chance at being immortal, I could live with Edward, forever.

"Not if we annihilate the file, Bella Swan would technically in our world never exist and when the time comes we can quietly escort to the afterlife, Rebecca owes me a favour anyway. Though I am obviously concerned about this love issue."

"It's not an issue." I countered and I was met with rolling eyes

"Yes it is, a serious one! Miss Swan it would have been impossible for you to fall in love with him. You see your life once was full of love for him, then we cut it out!"

"Well I do love him!" Was all I said, suddenly getting the feeling I was causing a lot of problems.

"Wait doesn't one of the Cullens have the ability to manipulate emotions?" she was right, Jasper could do that but he wouldn't do anything like that. I didn't even know him until after I knew Edward.

"You didn't like the first day of school did you?" Jasmine inquired and I moved to say yes, but the answer was no, I thought he hated me and I didn't really get a good feel of him.

"There we go. Mystery solved." Death smiled with false warmth "Now do you have any complaints about us sending you back to your own world, without the ability to die."

"Yes what does not dying entail?"

"Not dying." Death hissed. Jasmine realised what I meant.

"Basically your heart will stop, blood won't flow but you will still be able to eat, drink and everything else. Injures you will recover from very quickly and its not a bad thing. As long as you don't mind crushing loneliness in say a hundred years."

"I have vampires for that." I smiled.

"Yes also it will remove any adverse affects of emotional manipulation." Oh great so he still thought I was being forced to love Edward but if it got him off my case.

"Fine."

"Great, I'll keep you in regular contact and if anyone you know asks about this, it never happened ok?"

I nodded in confirmation and the pale faced man smiled and clicked his fingers, one of the files on the desk burst into flames and I was falling, though this time into light.

The next thing I knew was I on my bedroom floor, before I could hope it was a dream a loud cracking noise filled the air. A sickening crunch and three bullets oozed out of my chest and I could feel my bones slot back into place. Though I was suddenly hit with another realisation.

I didn't love Edward Cullen