Harry Potter and the One Ring
It all started in a house on Private Drive. Private Drive all the way in England somewhere. Where in England really doesn't matter, seeing as the boy named Harry Potter isn't going to be staying there much longer.
Harry Potter is a young wizard who happens to go to a wizarding school. Yes, that's right. The kid is so dumb he doesn't even know how to be a wizard. That's the new generation for you, though. So lazy they don't even bother to read the easy to follow instruction manuals that come with wands and other magical widgets of that sort.
The real problem is that fame follows Harry Potter around like a dog follows a speeding truck that it's tied to back of. Fame has now gone too far. In this house on Private Drive there is going to be a visit from the most famous wizard of them all (if you guessed Dumbledore then you're looking to get your ass kicked).
"Greetings, I am Gandalf the Gray. Or maybe it's Gandalf the White. They change these things so often. I'm so confused. Anyway, I'd like to have a talk with the boy who goes by the name of Harry Potter." The tall man with a long gray beard and tall staff stood outside the open door talking to Harry's Uncle Vernon Dursley.
Vernon grunted then said, "What do you want with Potter? He's training to become a wizard, you know? We're planning to send him to a freak show, you know? He goes to a school with a whole bunch of freaks like himself, you know?"
"Yes, I know all," said Gandalf. "I am Gandalf the Great.... Gray I mean. I, too, am a wizard. I have a task for your nephew. I must have him keep this ring, you see. It is very powerful. It has devastating effects on people. He needs to be the keeper of this ring. The previous keepers have perished in this mission that no one has a hope of completing. Except me of course, because I am Gandalf the White. Or is it gray....."
"Did you say Harry might die?!"
"I thought you might feel this way, but I am prepared to put a spell on you that will force you to give permission to Harry."
"Force? Why, you don't have to use force. Come in, please. I've been waiting too long for this."
"I thought you'd see things my way," said Gandalf as he stepped inside the house.
"May I take your ummm.... your robe?" Vernon offered. This was the nicest offer he had ever made to a wizard.
"No, that won't be necessary. It's all I'm wearing."
"I see....."
The two men walked into the living room where Gandalf was introduced to Vernon's wife and sun.
"This is my wife and my big, fat, oaf of a son," Vernon explained. "I love big fat oafs, you?"
"Oh yes, of course. Nothing tastes finer during those long journeys through Lothlorien."
"Yes, well then..... Honey, Dudley, this wizard said he has come to send Harry to his doom."
They cheered.
"As an added bonus, I'll pull a rabbit out of my hat," Gandalf declared. He did so and they applauded.
"His name is Rabid. Careful, he's rabid."
The family backed away from the rabbit then called for Harry to come downstairs. Gandalf turned to see Harry walk down the stairway. When he turned back, all of the Dursleys were dead.
"Last time I steal a rabbit off the set of Monty Python. Last time a steal anything that can move off their set, I should think," Gandalf thought aloud to himself.
Gandalf then turned to Harry who stood with great horror on his face.
"Get off it," said Gandalf, "you hated them."
That was true. Harry smiled.
"I'd like to send you on a perilous journey with a ring. You can go with two playmates of your choice. Roger and Hermon, I presume you'll choose?"
"That's Ron and Hermione, and I will pick them. Wait, no I won't! I don't know who you are! You come in here, kill my despised family, then tell me I'm going to my doom for a ring? What kind of ring, may I ask?" Harry was still curios to learn more. Anyone who had the insight to kill the Dursleys had to be wise indeed.
"This ring can destroy the entire Middle Earth!"
"Why would I want to stop the destruction of the Middle East."
"Not Middle East, Middle Earth. You wouldn't understand. Just trust me on this. I had the insight to kill the Dursleys, didn't I?"
"I'm never going to hear the end of that unless I take the ring, huh?"
"Who said taking the ring would help?"
Harry gave a sigh then said, "Fine, I'll take the ring; but you better be coming along with me so I know what to do!"
"You didn't think I'd leave something this important entirely up to you, did you?"
"Well, the thought had crossed my....."
"Do you mind if I call you Bagins?"
"Call me what?"
"Bagins."
"Yes, I do....."
"Good. Bagins it is."
"No, wait...."
"See you at Hogwarts," Gandalf said as he put the ring in Harry's hand. "You loose the ring and I'll kill you!" With that there was a puff of smoke from the floor, and when it cleared Gandalf was still standing there.
"Excuse me, I'll use the front door." Gandalf ran out with his robe waving behind him letting Harry see more than he ever wanted to.
After throwing up for ten minutes in the bathroom, he decided he would send his friend Ron Weasley a letter explaining why he would have to stay at his house for the remaining of the summer. He did so, and sent the letter with his owl, Hedwig.
Harry was picked up and spent the rest of the summer with the Weasleys. Not too long after Harry left, the police found the corpses of the Dursleys in the house. Harry was now wanted for murder.
"Harry, you know you're wanted for murder in the muggle world, right?" Ron informed Harry one day.
"Yeah, but it wasn't me. I explained this in the letter. Take a look at this."
They were both up in Ron's room. Harry had just taken out the ring and Ron frowned.
"Yeah? Is that the ring? Doesn't look all that powerful to me."
"Maybe you need to put it on." Harry did so.
"Harry! Are you there? Where did you go?!"
"Ron, You know very well I'm right here."
"Harry, you're invisible!"
Harry took off the ring then said, "Big deal! I have a cloak that does the same thing."
"Can I have it then?" Ron asked with a smile on his face.
"Sure, I guess. I'm sure that Gandalf guy won't mind you taking care of it."
"Thanks, Har."
"Don't call me that."
It was a while before Gandalf had showed up again. Harry had been back to Hogwarts for a couple months and a new mystery was starting up. You'll just have to read about that elsewhere because it has nothing to do with Harry Potter.
Harry was out practicing Quidditch with the rest of his Gryfindor team when he saw him. The whole team screamed in fright thinking it was a dementor. Harry explained who it was then went to talk with the old wizard.
"What are you doing here?!"
"We must be swift. The evil of Mordor is gaining. Enough broom riding and find a horse."
"A horse? Why ride a horse when you can ride a broom?"
"Because, riding a broom makes you look queer."
"I see. Well, I'm sorry but I have to stay. I gave the ring to my friend Ron, though. He can go on the quest."
"You what?! NO!!!! You don't understand the power of this ring...."
"Sure I do. It turns you invisible. I have a cloak that does the same thing."
"No, you are wrong. The ring corrupts people. Puts them at your disposal. You must get that ring back or Ron will die."
Gandalf and Harry Potter go to get the ring from Ron in the Gryfindor tower. Unfortunately he doesn't want to give it up. Harry and Ron are trying to pull it from each other's grasp.
"Harry, I need this ring," Ron yelled.
"It's evil, Ron. Get rid of it," Harry yelled back.
Finally, Gandalf got bored with the scene and shot something out of his staff, which hit Ron and killed him.
"That takes care of the vile fiend," said Gandalf.
"'Vile fiend?' That was my best friend! You bastard!" Harry yelled.
"No, me Gandalf. You Bagins."
"I'm not Bagins! I am Harry Potter."
"Bagins, Harry Pecker, what's the difference?"
Harry was now very pissed and threw the ring back at Gandalf.
"Take your stupid ring! I don't want anything to do with you anymore."
"Are you sure? Look at this shiny ring! Aren't you just dying to have it back?" Gandalf was waving the ring around in front of Harry's face.
"No," Harry said.
"Oh. Well then. I'm sick of you." Gandalf shot the same thing at Harry that he shot at Ron. Harry fell dead.
"That's that," said Gandalf. "Who do we have next. Let's see, I still have to do Peter Parker, Matt Murdock should be fun...."
Thus ends the tale of Harry Potter and the One Ring. Please don't try to explain what you have just read. Just see it as a fact of life. Spider-Matt has just killed Harry Potter for the second time!