Disclaimer: I do not own anything you recognize from The Lord of the Rings. I also do not own the holiday in this. I also don't own the "Hem, hem," thing from Harry Potter, if anybody does. I don't own any of it! I simply don't! So please don't sue me!
Rating: strong PG-13 (mostly dirty talk)
Summary: This is a complete and TOTAL AU. Chaos ensues (surprise) when a certain holiday comes around...Please enjoy! Humor! If you liked "The Very Secret Diary's", you will LOVE this! It's not a diary, though.
Warnings: Complete silliness, OOCness, HEAVILY implied slash, vulgar stuff (heh. Don't like all this stuff, don't read)
A/N: Hey everyone! My life has been kind of sucky lately (wear your seat belt, seriously! They really do save lives! cries), and I just needed a break from it all. So now I bring to you a humor story I've had an idea for since...a long time ago. I hope it's good, please review, please enjoy!
(continued) It might have been done before, but I'm just trying to have a little bit of fun. I'm pretty sure; I didn't come up with this plot, so excuse me if you did.
(see above) Man, how I wish that we could still write in script form on
(ditto) I know this is long, but it's really funny, honest injun!!!
Of Chaos on a Chaotic Day
Chapter one: What on Earth is Wrong with Gimli?!!
Time: Beginning of Morning
"Ring...Ring...Bilbo, I lost it. Ring...Ring...Ring...Merry he lost HIS ring...," came some sleepy muses from a hobbit known as Frodo Baggins. Unfortunately, for the brunette, someone had plans for this poor (pointed ahem), sleep deprived fellow. He may've not done it if he had understood the mutterings, but why dwell on what may have not happened, when we know what did?
"FRODO!!!!!!!!!!! Wakey, wakey, time for eggs and backey!" hollered a hyper Pippin. He looked down, expecting to hear his older cousin ordering him to get off, or to see his annoyed sleep-dull face, or even to hear laughter from Frodo because of Pippin's enthusiasm. It was not so. Pippin, determined to wake the older hobbit, shook him.
Frodo didn't move.
"WAKEY, WAKEY..." Pippin started, in an off tune, high, loud voice. He would've continued, if Sam hadn't come over and tackled him.
"Gerroff me, Samwise Gamgee!" he squealed. Sam began tickling the Took, who squirmed, laughed, and complained loudly ("Sam, don't tickle me there!!!").
Before Sam could get in another good jab at Pippin's ribs, they both got pushed to the side.
"And what, may I ask, are you two doing?" began a now fully awake Frodo, trying to keep a straight face, but failing horribly. "Is there something you haven't told me?"
Sam blushed bright red. "I was tickling him, sir, honest I was!" For some reason, that just made Sam blush more, and Pippin began laughing like a lunatic.
"And you think you must to explain to me that you were tickling my little cousin, and try to make me think that you were honestly doing it because...?" he breathed. Sam grew, if possible, redder. Pippin decided to chirp up.
"Of course, he was tickling me Frodo! You know we would never do anything else, right? He never has...Unless you count-"
"Say nothing more, cousin! You might harm my poor pointy ears!"
"Hem, hem."
"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" hollered Pippin. "Not Umbridge! I'm pure hobbit, I swear! No dwarf in me! I know I'm not a wizard, but please, Umbridge, don't harm m-"
"Pippin?" came the rugged, dry voice from a man known as Aragorn. Pippin got up, turned on his heals, and saw Aragorn standing there. "What? Who's this Umbridge person?" Pippin's face slightly brightened to a pink. He looked around and saw the confused look on Sam's face, and a polite shrug from Frodo.
"Uh...Has no one here read the Harry Potter series?"
"The WHO?!?" came the answer from all three.
"The Who are cool," said Pippin bobbing his head. The looks on his friends' faces were priceless.
"I guess I'm too much of a ninny-hammer to get what you just said," Sam said, mystified.
"You're not a ninny-hammer!" the two hobbits said. Frodo went on though.
"Although, if you truly are a ninny-hammer for not knowing what Pippin was just babbling about, I guess I'm joining the club." Frodo patted Sam on the shoulder, and Sam grinned.
"Ah, shucks, Mr. Frodo...I-"
"Can you please shut up!!!? I know you're in love, but still..." came an annoyed huff from somewhere off to the side. Pippin jumped towards the sound, and straddled the one who caused it.
"HIYA, MERRY!!! HIYA MERRY!!! HIYA-"
SLAP.
"OW!"
"Pippin?"
"You hit me!"
"You deserved it! And, Pippin..."
"Yeah?"
"Don't ever do that again."
"Okedoke! I'll do it tomorrow!"
"Okay, I'll take you up on that."
"Yea!"
"Hey, Pip?"
"Yeah?"
"You can get off me now."
"No!"
Merry looked at the hobbit above him strangely. Of course, Pippin did warrant it. He had that funny expression on his face and his arms out in front of him as if he were Frankenstein.
"Do you want to be on top of me? What are you-"
Merry didn't get to finish his sentence. Pippin had pounced on him (while never having gotten off of him), and was tickling him furiously.
"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Agh!" Merry begged.
"Say 'Mercy'."
"In-in your dreams," Merry forced out. He then let out a big gasp as Pippin started a whole new tidal wave of tickling attacks.
"What in Balin's name..." they heard out of a bush. And that exact same bush produced a Gimli holding his ax up high. "What in the world...?" He lowered it.
What Gimli saw was Pippin on top of Merry, his arms around Merry (Merry's ticklish spot was on the middle of his back, and Pippin would know this), red faces, and he had just heard a gasp. Merry blushed furiously, and tried to push Pippin off him, but didn't succeed. Pippin has a strong grip!
"It's not what it-"
"Oh, it's just you two. POINTY EARS!!! YOU OWE ME TEN GOLD PIECES!!!!!"
Legolas emerged from the same bush, and stared quietly. Pippin, as always, had something to say though.
"Gods of the world... Merry did you see that? That bush just gave birth to two of the Fellowship members! Can you believe it? Where's an artist when you need one...how I'd love a picture of that bush...especially if and while it spits Gandalf out....." Pippin said. The others looked at Pippin, as if very scared for his mental state, which they, of course, should have been.
"Peregrin...?" ventured the elf. "Are you...alright?" Pippin snapped his head up. Cursed. He began rubbing his neck.
"Well, wouldn't you want a picture of a bush giving birth to Gandalf?" said Pippin, who was in pain. It appeared he had pretty much just given himself whiplash. The others just stared at him.
"Did I just hear my name?" asked Gandalf who had just appeared, but not through the bush.
"Uh..." everyone but Legolas said, as elves are far too smart and special to say 'uh'. Gandalf had not been paying too much attention to them, just started to walk off, not caring if they didn't like his new and improved hat that was purple and had gold stars and silver moons on it. It made him special, and if they didn't like it...WAIT A SECOND THERE! He spun around, hearing the dwarf and elf fighting over who got what gold, and saw Merry and Pippin.
"What are you two doing? I mean, I know it's Valentine's Day, but..."
That's all it took. The Took finally jumped off of Merry, and looked at him disgusted.
"I'm not like that! Merry's not hot! I'm hot! Wait! Merry are you...? Then what about those lasses you like, or well, liked back at home?!"
"Pippin, you sick, sick creature! I like lasses!"
"And lads..." mumbled Gimli.
"No I don't!"
"Merry's a bi, Merry's a bi, Merry's a bi...!" sang Pippin.
"NO, I'M NOT, YOU FOOL OF A TOOK!!!"
"Okay. Then why did you have me on top of you?"
"You jumped him! You jumped him!" chanted Gimli. Everybody stopped what they were doing to stare at Gimli. "What? Well, you did didn't you Pippin?"
"Gimli..." began Legolas calmly. "You like those two together and dream about them every night. I understand your strange perviness, but please, not in front of people who get scared by that. To them you are like the unwanted gas that presents itself loudly during your first kiss; disgusting and slightly frightening." Instead of retorting back, Gimli grinned, and jumped forward to give Legolas a big hug.
"Ho, somebody understands me!" That was not the right thing for our dear dwarf to say.
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!!" raged Pointy Ears.
"I didn't call you anything!"
All elfness forgotten the guy whose eyes kept changing color so I don't know what color his bright orbs are(1), pushed Gimli off him, and slapped him.
"And I thought you were my friend!"
"But I am!"
"Go kiss a mountain!"
"Fine, Tree hugger!"
With that they both stormed off.
"What's their problem?" Pippin asked. He looked at the retreating pair for a moment, shook his head, and then looked at Merry expectantly.
"I dunno."
"It's always been like this..." drafted in a windy voice. The entire eight of the Fellowship gathered together, all of them hearing the voice that sounded like...It couldn't be though...He was...Wasn't he???
Pippin, being the big baddy, said, "Wh-wh-who-what....HUH?!! When he said that, Gandalf whacked him with his big stick, and silenced him.
"Who are you spirit?" asked Legolas coolly, as elves are too good to show much emotion.
"Boromir," answered the voice. Pippin and Merry both sank and fainted on the spot. It was the spirit of the great man who had save their lives only to have his taken! And he was back!
"You're here?! Why, one of my brethren?" questioned Aragorn.
"It's Valentine's Day, and I'm bored. Plus, I just wanted to make that comment to the Little One's question." Gimli lost his cool at this.
"And what exactly did you mean by that, Boromir?!!?" They heard a sigh come from the ghost.
"You're so nice, Gimli. Here I was thinking that people actually missed me, too."
"Well if they don't, I certainly did!" hollered another voice. The Fellowship saw another spirit come into view by Boromir. It hugged the Gondorian.
"I miss-"began Pippin, but when he saw who it was, he fainted again. It was none other than Denethor the ex-lord of Gondor. A Denethor ex-lord of Gondor who had his arms around his son, and was touching him in a way most father's don't touch their sons. Whoever knew that father's were suppose to rub the area right bellow his son's belt and then try to take the belt off? I just guess Denethor has it altogether... Anyway...
"Agh, not here Father! How many times do I have to say, that I'm not like that! No incest! No homosexuality! Now, go back to Mother, maybe she'll screw you and you'll leave me alone! Once the Little Ones wake up, I must speak to them!"
"Aw, but it's Valentine's Day, and I'm tired of your Mother. You're much sexier..."
"It's just because I slightly resemble the young you."
"So?"
"I never thought I'd say this, but, EW!!! Gerroff! Why don't you go haunt Faramir or something if you're looking for a homo and incest-committer who looks like you?!!"
"Agh. Fine, I guess." Away went Denethor, ex-lord of Gondor...again.
Eventually, the hobbits did wake up. They looked up and Denethor was gone.
"Where'd he go? Where'd he go? Tell me!" shouted Pippin. He would've gone on rambling, but all of the other Fellowship members put a hand over his mouth, except Gandalf. He hit Pippin with the stick again. Boromir looked down at the two hobbits he was closest to and smiled.
"It's okay. Father went to go visit my brother instead Little One. Do you fare well?"
"I'm just fine," said Merry unperturbed, but still staring at the spirit. Pippin was now dumbstruck, and he was so dumbstruck that he forgot how to speak, and just stared at the transparent image of his old pal.
"How are you, Pippin?"
The Took opened his mouth many times as if to speak, but nothing but incoherent sounds exited the big hole at the bottom of his face.
"He's fine," Merry answered for him.
"So, AIY! Your head Merry! Scar! Ahhhhh!"
"It's old, don't worry. Hey, how would you not know that? I thought dead people watched over their surviving loved ones."
"They do, but I was, erm," Boromir paused and began pulling at the collar of his shirt. Merry began wondering what a dead guy could do that would make him act like this. "I was, uh...watching over my brother! Yeah! That's it. He needed my guidance."
"I'm sure he could find that without your guidance though, Boromir, you old slugger!" Gimli burst out and winked. All but Gandalf and Legolas looked at him funny and took a step away from him. Gandalf, bet you can't guess, whacked him with his stick. Legolas just put his palm over part of his face, as if saying /Why am I friendly with such a dumb and horny dwarf? He embarrasses me so.../.
"Not that kind of guidance!" retorted a very flustered Ghost!Boromir.
"Sure...," Gimli said and winked...again. With that, everybody, including Pointy Ears abandoned the dwarf who was laughing strangely.
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(1.) I'm pretty sure his eyes would be brown, right? I just wanted to make fun of such a dumb cliché.
Heya people! Whatcha think? I know this is totally not like me for writing, but I just really needed something to get my mind off losing my brother. I was also mostly in a bad, yet giggly, mood while writing this, so this is what you get! Oh, by the way, I will not write the next chapter or anything that has to do with this story unless I get five reviews, or three really nice reviews! So if you like it, REVIEW PEOPLE!!!!! Thankies!
Love you all,
Entmoot