I thought maybe I'd gotten hung over last night, or into a bar fight, or maybe some son of a bitch youkai had knocked me around. But when I realized none of that was true, I chalked my headache up to the fight I'd had with Sanzo. When I realized that had been about two days ago I didn't know what was causing the headache anymore. It seemed like it was just…there. For no reason. Not really a bad headache or anything, but it was annoying. Like I just hadn't gotten enough sleep or something stupid like that. Weird. Lack of sleep didn't usually affect me.
Whatever. I'd smoke a cigarette, and then I'd feel better.
I lay there on the ground for a while, looking up at the sky. God. Why did I feel so…out of it? Like I needed some goddamn coffee. I never needed coffee in the morning. Normally I woke up, rolled out of bed, had a cigarette and was good to go. If I ever felt tired I cracked open a beer. So what the hell was with this craving for coffee?
That wasn't all that felt strange, but I couldn't really put my finger on what else was wrong. I just felt…like I wasn't myself. The sights and smells around me seemed really dull, like I was losing my eyesight and my hearing and everything. And my face felt bruised. Maybe I really had gotten in a bar fight. Come to think of it, where the hell was I?"
Slowly, I sat up and looked around. We were just sort of in the middle of nowhere, on what looked to be a pretty foggy day that might turn to rain later. I didn't see Goku anywhere, or Sanzo, but Hakkai was sleeping nearby. I heard the faint babble of running water behind me. Maybe if I just got up and washed my face I'd feel better. Have a cigarette, maybe eat some breakfast, and then I'd be okay.
Come to think of it, I couldn't really remember what had happened last night. I remembered Sanzo passing out like a wuss, but I hadn't felt good all day, and I guess…I'd passed out too… Like a wuss.
I got up and staggered forward, feeling weirder and weirder as I went. Damn. If I felt this strange first thing in the morning, it was probably gonna' be a really whacked out day.
I'd only gone a few feet when I stopped and did a double-take. Double-takes are lame, but what I was seeing was really, really bizarre.
It was…me. Or it looked like me. Not really as tall as I'd pictured, and the face wasn't as devilish as I envisioned. Not really the heartthrob I had cooked up in my mind, but still, it was my body: wearing my jacket, headband and pants, my red hair, my scars. My everything. Lying next to Hakkai with this really weird frown on my face. I wasn't sure how I'd missed it before, but the second I saw it my whole world just fell apart.
What the hell did it mean? How could I be up running around when I was just lying there like that? Was I dead? Maybe that was why I felt so strange. Maybe I had died and now I was wandering outside of my own body. Shit. Did that make me a ghost? Did ghosts crave coffee and nicotine? Maybe ghosts had constant headaches. What the hell was going on? I looked around, desperately, not sure what I was looking for. Sanzo was still nowhere to be seen, and the monkey was gone. I guess they were off somewhere together. If I found them would they be able to see me? If I woke up Hakkai would he be able to see me? Could I even wake him up?
No. No. No. No! This can't be happening! I can't be dead! I'm young—I'm so goddamn young!
How could I have died? Sure, I'd felt like shit all day yesterday, but I hadn't felt like I was going to die! Did it have something to do with the fight with those youkai? I hadn't been hurt very bad. Just the slice down the arm. So what had happened? Maybe when I'd passed out last night I'd really been dying.
Me? Dead? It just couldn't be true!
Shit! No, no, no!
What now? Wake up Hakkai? Try to wake up Hakkai?
"Holy shit! I can't be dead!"
My voice…why did it sound…so…
Then something else weird happened. My body suddenly moved. It made this cranky, annoyed face and mumbled something and rolled over.
Alive! I was alive! Or…my body was. But then…what was I…?
"Stupid bastard…" my body said, "go the hell back to sleep. What are you yammering about anyway?"
"You sonnova' bitch!" Now I was angry. This had to be a nightmare—or something out of a cheesy horror flick. Some freak had taken over my body, and now I…whatever I was, was just here. In some kind of nonphysical limbo. It was stupid. Enraging. Impossible. I had to do something. I couldn't just sit there.
Doubting I could do anything, I jumped on my own body and grabbed it by the shirt front, "I'll kill you!"
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Kappa?"
My body opened its eyes and for a second gave me this bone-chilling glare I wasn't even aware my face could make. And then my eyes got big. Really big. Way too big. My mouth screamed and my body pushed me away, "What the hell are you? How the hell…? What are you doing? How did you…?"
I screamed too and backed away. It was all so strange. I didn't know what to do but scream.
"Where's Goku?" My body demanded, reaching for something at its side that obviously wasn't there. "And that goddamn kappa? What did you do with them?" My body seemed frustrated by the fact that it couldn't find what it was looking for. "Where's my gun?"
My breath caught in my throat and suddenly I couldn't breathe at all. "S-sanzo?"
"What? Who the hell did you think you were talking to? You'd better explain this—you goddam fake!"
"Fake…?"
I didn't want to look down. I didn't want to know what he meant by fake or why he was angry or why he was in my body to begin with. I just wanted to lie down, go back to sleep and hope this was all over when I woke up. Hell, for all I knew, it was just a dream to begin with.
But I looked anyway. I couldn't help it.
White robes. That was all I had to see to know. And then I was screaming again. Screaming so loud it hurt my throat-his throat-whoever's throat it was. Just screaming and screaming, spewing obscenities and screaming.
He started screaming too. With my voice. In my body. Just yelling, eyes wide. I don't know if we were scared or angry or what, but we both panicked at the exact same time.
When the screaming was over, the accusations started. "You good-for-nothing, lazy son of a bitch! What did you do?"
"ME? What did you do? You're the holy man! You're supposed to be the one who knows about weird shit like this!"
"I've never seen anything like this in my life!"
"Well how in the blue fuck did we get like this, Sanzo! I was me yesterday! And you were you!"
"I have no idea…"
"Can't you do something? Isn't there some kind of sutra you can read, or like a prayer you can pray—anything?"
"It doesn't work that way, dumbshit!"
"Then how does it work?"
"How the hell should I know? I'm just as lost as you are!"
"You're so friggin' useless!"
"You're the one that's useless, Gojyo!"
"You asshole!"
"I'll kill you!"
"How're ya' gonna' do that? I've got your precious gun! Maybe I'll kill you!"
"I'd like to see you try!"
"You're right—in this body I probably don't have the balls!"
"Fuck you!"
Hakkai suddenly rolled over, moaning, "What on earth is all the commotion? Don't you realize some of us are still trying to sleep?"
We both stopped to look at him for a second. What could we say to him? How could we tell him that somehow we…
He sat up, yawning a little, "Well, at least it's good to see that you're both feeling better, although, I'm not sure I like the circumstances. What could you possibly have to argue about this early in the morning?"
"Hakkai…" I started, but then, I wasn't sure how to continue.
Hakkai gave me a strange look; the way I was addressing him, I realized, was totally weird coming from what he assumed was Sanzo.
"You." I pointed at Sanzo, "You tell him."
"Why do I have to tell him? You should tell him."
"You're in charge here."
"You two are all buddy-buddy, aren't you? You should tell him."
"But he thinks you're me."
"So. Break his heart."
"Goddammit, quit being such a stubborn asshole and just do it!"
By this time Hakkai was on his feet, looking between us with a look of total confusion on his face. He obviously knew something was wrong, but from his expression he had no idea what it was. "Just what are you arguing over?"
Silence again. Sanzo must not have wanted to tell him any more than I did. That sucked. I sort of was hoping he would know how to put it.
"What are we gonna' do?" I asked quietly.
"He's no idiot—maybe he'll figure it out by himself."
"Not about him. I mean, what are we going to do?"
Sanzo didn't answer.
"Did something happen?" Hakkai asked, looking around, "Where's Goku?"
"There's no time to worry about the monkey." I snapped. "Hakkai…we…we're having…an identity crisis."
He cocked an eyebrow, "I see…"
"Just give it to him straight." Sanzo ordered. I watched him get out my cigarettes and lighter.
"Hey." I snapped. "Those ain't for you."
He made a face at them, "Don't really want them anyway. Where are mine?"
"I dunno. Where the hell do you keep them? Does this man-dress have pockets?"
"No." he growled.
"'Course not. Why would someone who's motto is 'hold nothing' have pockets?" I snorted. "Goddammit, Sanzo! We don't have time for a cigarette! What in the hell are we gonna' do?"
"Oh!" Hakkai said suddenly, running over to me, eyes wide, but full of understanding. "Oh I see." He searched my face a moment before turning to look at Sanzo for a while. "Yes. Yes, it all makes sense now." He turned back to me, "So then you're Gojyo. And that's Sanzo." He stood back, touching his chin and looking back and forth between us again, "But how in the world did this happen?"
"Beats the hell outta' me." Sanzo muttered.
"Who cares how it happened?" I screamed. "I don't give a shit how it happened! I just wanna' know how the hell to make it un-happen! I don't wanna' be stuck in this prick's body!"
"Come now, Gojyo, calm down."
"Calm down? How the fuck am I supposed to calm down, Hakkai? I'm stuck in fuckin' Sanzo's body!"
"Yes, but-"
"I want my own goddamm body back!"
"Quit your bitchin'." Sanzo snapped. "You think I'm happy to be stuck in your disgusting body?"
"I wonder if this has anything to do with the way you two were behaving yesterday. If so, it might be useful to figure out how this happened, and then perhaps it can be undone." He smiled. It was probably supposed to be reassuring, but it didn't help at all.
"You guys're awake!" I heard Goku's voice, and then I saw him running up from the road. He had what looked like a big sack slung over his shoulder. "I knew ya' would be! Man, am I glad ta' see you!" He grinned at me—I'd never seen that smile in my life, and I was guessing it was something he only reserved for Sanzo. Then he handed me an apple, "Here. I got ya' breakfast."
It was bright red. That made me want to cry, and I automatically touched my head. The hair was unfamiliar and short, and my head felt really light.
"You went to get breakfast? Hunh. I'm surprised there's any left." I tried to grin at him, but I really didn't feel like it. "But maybe little, baby monkey shouldn't wander off alone anymore."
He gave me a weird look. "Ya' think so?"
"I quite agree." Hakkai said reproachfully. "Goku, after last night I hoped you'd have the good sense to stay close to camp." He accepted the apple Goku handed him. "Thank you very much though."
"Ha! Good sense my ass."
The look Goku gave me was even weirder than the last one. "Sorry…I just wanted ta' get some fruit." Then he went over to Sanzo, holding out an apple. "What th' heck was wrong with ya' anyway?" I could hear it in his voice-the invitation to banter-but I knew that Sanzo wouldn't recognize it. Even if he did, there was no way he'd respond to it. Sure enough, he simply took the apple, "Nightmares." He muttered.
"You can say that again." I spat. Then I found Sanzo's cigarettes. He was somehow keeping them up his sleeve. Hell if I knew how that worked—I'd never be able to get them back in the right place.
"You okay, Gojyo?" Goku asked, taking a bite out of his own apple. "You're actin' kinda' weird. Do ya' still not feel very good."
Sanzo looked at me, "Well?"
"Well what?"
"Aren't you going to tell him?"
"Why do I hafta' tell him?"
"He asked you."
"No, he didn't—he asked you. He just doesn't know it!"
Goku looked at us. The poor kid was really confused. "What's goin' on? What are ya' s'posed ta' tell me, Gojyo."
"Nothing." I answered automatically.
"But ya' just said that ya' wanted Gojyo ta' tell me somethin'."
"That's right." Sanzo glared at me. "I did."
"Not you ya' stupid, cockroach—Sanzo!"
"He is Sanzo!"
"What're ya' talkin' about, Sanzo? What th' heck is goin' on?"
"You two," Hakkai shook his head, "stop confusing him."
"We ain't tryin' to." I snapped. "Why don't you tell him? You're the one just standing there watching!"
"Very well then. I have no problem with that."
We all looked at him expectantly. But I guess he really did have a problem with that, because he didn't say anything for a good long time. "Er." He laughed a little, "My, it's a bit harder than I imagined. Sanzo, are you sure you don't want to tell Goku?"
Goku looked at me expectantly.
I shook my head and pointed at Sanzo.
"Tch." Sanzo said, "Fine, fine. I'll do it. Why not? I do everything else."
"Ya' don't do anything." Goku was starting to sound annoyed. "An' Hakkai was talkin' ta' Sanzo."
Sanzo sighed, "Goku…I don't know how to tell you this, but…I am Sanzo." He pointed at me. "That's Gojyo."
"Wait a minute. What?"
"It appears that they got switched somehow." Hakkai explained. "Though we don't fully understand it at this point."
"That's freakin' creepy!" Goku screamed, jumping away from Sanzo like he was a giant snake. "How'd that happen?"
"We're not sure."
He looked at Hakkai next, "Who're you?"
Hakkai sighed, "I'm still myself, fortunately. And it appears that you're still you. So it only affected Sanzo and Gojyo."
"But why?"
"Divine retribution, perhaps?"
"Well…" Goku looked long and hard at each of us again, "How're we gonna' get 'em back to normal."
"Your guess is as good as mine at this point, Goku."
"Great. The monkey and the frickin' school teacher have no idea. What next?" I rubbed my head. The headache wasn't gone. I'd just forgotten about it.
"Well, I bet ya' don't have any good ideas either!" Goku said.
"I don't know. I don't know." I started to pace; it was like I was in a cage I couldn't break out of, and I didn't want to look at Sanzo. Honestly, I felt like I could break down. "I just want to get out of this body!"
"Calm down, Gojyo." Hakkai said sternly. "Freaking out won't help."
"You don't understand what it's like, man!" I grabbed him roughly by the collar.
"That's true, but I still think you should try to remain calm. The best thing for us to do at this point is to set a goal: let's get to the next town and figure it out from there. Perhaps someone will be able to help us."
"What if they can't? What if we're stuck like this, Hakkai? Forever!"
"I think that's highly unlikely."
I barely heard him, "I don't want to be stuck like this!"
"Hey, asshole, cool your head. I don't like it any better than you, but I'm not losing my head over it!"
I turned on Sanzo, "Of course you're not! You're in my body—you're all sexy now! I'm stuck in this ugly excuse for a body! I-" Suddenly I stopped myself, as the horrible truth occurred to me. "Oh my God! Oh my God, no! No, no, no!" Slowly I collapsed to my knees, fisting both hands in the grass. "This can't be happening to me!"
"Gojyo?" Hakkai took a step closer, "What's wrong?"
"I'm a virgin! Twenty three years old and I'm a fucking virgin! Arg! I'm never gonna' get laid again!"
For a second they were all quiet, then Goku snorted, "You're disgusting, Gojyo."
"For the last time, quit your whining, Gojyo." Sanzo practically shouted. "I'm worse off than you: I have no idea what kind of God-awful diseases you've picked up over your promiscuous, slutty life!"
"All right everyone." Hakkai raised his voice, "Let's just drop this conversation and prepare to leave. We're never going to sort this out if we don't get moving. And Gojyo, I do wish you'd try to get a grip."
"You don't understand, Hakkai!"
"Now, now. It can't be all bad." He grabbed my arm and helped me up. "Why don't you try to look on the bright side?"
"What bright side?" Sanzo demanded.
Hakkai's smile was perfect, and his tone didn't miss a beat, "You both smoke."
Neither of us appreciated that, but I don't think either of us were in any condition to do anything about it, so we just stared at him in disbelief. Our friend, the optimist.
"Now, let's try to get our bearings and go to the next town. I'm sure we'll find some sort of solution."
"Nuh-uh, Hakkai, no way."
He looked at me, "What's the matter now?"
"On top of being stuck in this ass wipe's body? I am not going into any town wearing this dress."
"It's a robe!" Sanzo snarled.
"I don't care what it is, I'm taking it off." Immediately I began to pull the robe off, up over my head, leaving me in that weird, black spandex he wore. I dropped the robe on the ground and started to take the spandex off too.
"Oi!" Yelled Sanzo, "Cut it out!"
"What? Don't want everyone to see how tiny your dick is?"
"Those robes are the traditional wear of a Sanzo priest! You can't just take them off and leave them on the ground!"
"Well I'm not wearing them!"
Aaaaand that's that. Stupid, right? Apparently they were really clamoring for it in Japan, seeing how it wound up in Zero Sum…but they're weird over there.