I'd killed her... The realization of what I had done settled in a cold pit in my stomach. I knew that I was a bitch, and I had done plenty of bad things in my life, but never something like this. The grief and guilt I felt from doing such a thing tore at my heart. I couldn't believe it. I started sobbing and wailing, hoping that the outpouring of grief would somewhat help ease my guilt. It didn't. One good thing happened though - my darling mother snapped out of her drunken reverie. She was almost back to her old self - comforting me without asking what was wrong, letting me sob my heart out as she gently washed my hair. The care she showed for me only made it worse - I didn't deserve such kindness - I was... I was a- a murderer. There, I've said it. That's all I was - a cold hearted murderer. I only just fit into their group, and they knew it. As soon as I let my position as "Queen Bee" slip, everything else had started spinning out of control. Katie, the louder, less likeable of the twins had rapidly taken over my role, soon taking away the one boy that I might have had real feelings for. I could see the worry in Emily's eyes, as she searched for the sister she claimed to hate. But I knew that, deep down, she kind of felt affection for her sister, much like me and my older brother Tony, before he left... abandoning me.
But I'm fine - I'm Effy Stonem - I'm always fine. I'm never hurt by anyone or heartbroken. It's always me that screws other people up, never the other way around. At college they think I don't hear them - talking about me and my brother, "you know, the one who went crazy!?". Everytime I hear someone I feel pain and hurt and anger rise up in me. But I don't let them out, because I'm Effy - cool, calm, unaffected by everything that comes my way.
It's always going to be us two, he said. Cook, he said that. And I said that I wasn't bothered either way. Truth was, I am - bothered that is. I don't see why I have to be the one that is always left alone. "heartbreaker" - that's me, but does that really mean that I shouldn't be given a chance? I'm only human - only a girl, trying to be grown up.
And so what I deal with things by escaping, by turning to drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. So does everyone else, but because I'm me, I'm not even allowed to do things to cope with everything - I have to be able to cope on my own. I never get to be me, ever.
Yh, it got a bit angsty... sorry about that. I hope you like it. xx