A/N

Inspired by the fanfic Toro Nagashi by Enchantable. Kyoka Suigetsu is mentioned several times in the latter chapters, and I couldn't help but think of how she felt.

Yes, I know that Aizen's zanpakto is probably genderless, but the concept worked best with a woman.

The guilt was consuming her. Helplessness, hopelessness, weakness, they were all strange emotions to her. Kyoka Suigetsu always had a good sense of herself, even to the point of being vain. She knew was special, even among other zanpakto. She was powerful, she was proud, and she knew it. And it had rubbed off on him.

Her ruining of Aizen wasn't intended. She had only meant to steer him in the right direction, and to give him the confidence the he lacked. She was the voice in the back of his head, reminding him of how he could feed himself without resorting to thievery. She told him he was better than that, higher than that. She was proud of him, and she wanted him to know that.

Her maternal instincts were strong for him, even before he first appeared in his inner world. But when he did, she felt an even stronger surge of mother hen emotions. Those sweet brown eyes, so childlike and wide, that had really gotten to her. And he was so talented. Aizen had been close to manifesting her when he was still yet a child.

She pushed him to become a shinigami as soon as he achieved shikai. He asked why, telling her he was happy where he was. But she insisted, arguing that he was better than the life of poverty he was living. He deserved to live in the Court of Pure Souls, he deserved to be respected. She told him that over and over, even going as far as to say he deserved to rule the entirety of Soul Society. That was how worthy he was in her eyes.

It took many years before he finally gave in to her wishes, joining the Shinigami Academy when he was barely on the brink of adulthood. All the teachers thought he was just another mediocre student, because that was what Aizen wanted them to believe. An idea began to fester in his head as soon as he realized how powerful he was. It didn't take long for the idea to become a plan, and for him to set the plan into motion. Kyoka Suigetsu had told him he could be a god. And that was exactly what he planned on becoming.

Kyoka Suigetsu cried for days when he first began to experiment with hollows. She knew what his plans were, she knew many souls would die by his hand and her blade before it was done with. And she knew he would fail. Good always prevailed over evil, even if evil was the sweet brown eyed boy who had stolen her heart over a hundred years ago.

But she couldn't let herself believe Aizen was bad. To her, he was still the little boy she'd practically raised. She could only think of how she encouraged his arrogance, and made him think that whatever he did, however many people he killed to rule the world, was justice. He wasn't evil, she was.

She begged him to change his ways, to abandon his plans before he went too far. But he was arrogant, and he thought all the excuses he gave for his actions were righteous. He no longer heard any reason other than his own.

When he first set out to attack Karakura town, Kyoka Suigetsu screamed. She cried hysterically for him to stop, because she knew he had overestimated himself. She knew he wouldn't win, she knew he would probably die. But he too, had lost a bit of his sanity, the bit that held her close to his heart. She was dead to him now, the fragile bond between zanpakto and shinigami shattered. Her words fell useless on his deaf ears, and he was too proud to even realize he could no longer sense her presence.

In the last moments, she crouched in the corner of her inner world, rocking back and forth, hysterically singing a child's tune she used to murmur to Aizen to lull him to sleep.

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout.
Down came the water and washed the spider out.
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain.
And the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the drain again."

She was too far gone to notice the tears streaming down her face.