"It's good to see you Rachel," he smiled at her genuinely, the words meaning nothing more than their surface anymore. His smile wasn't secretive, wasn't a tell of what was to come in the next few hours, it was just there on his face because he was happy to see a friend. Because that's all she was to him, a friend.
She had convinced herself that she could do this, go to Kurt and Blaine's engagement party and support them because she was genuinely happy for them. So few people found their soul mates in high school, and if they truly believed they were meant to be, well, then she could be happy for them and keep her opinions to herself. Her opinion that you don't cheat on your soul mate, and certainly not with someone of the opposite sex, and certainly not for three years. But the same could be said against her, how you don't sleep with your best friends boyfriend, how you definitely don't fall in love with him and sit there silently while they go on leading the so called perfect life.
She walked past Blaine without more than a small smile, hugging Kurt as she found him in the crowd. "Engaged, Rachel, he proposed," Kurt said quietly, his voice almost astonished and his eyes shining. Rachel cleared her throat, biting back her own tears at Kurt's words.
"I'm so happy for you two," she lied, because this wasn't how it was supposed to be. Blaine was the love of her life, not Kurt's. Blaine could be Kurt's first love, and vice versa-she was fine with that, accepted it, that would never change. But they weren't supposed to end up together. No, the happy ending was supposed to be for Rachel and Blaine. They were supposed to stay forever in his bed, laying on the crisp white linens on Sunday afternoons and debating the top 10 best Broadway musicals of all time.
"I just can't believe it," Kurt told her, and she smiled because she couldn't either.
"You guys are perfect for each other," she assured Kurt, kissing his cheek. "I can't really stay, I have an important dinner to get to. I just wanted to come over and say congratulations. Go and mingle," she told him, and he nodded, squeezing her hand before turning to a coworker of Blaine's and asking him a question she had already tuned out, her eyes focused on the door.
What had she even been thinking, coming to this? How did she think that she would get through this without the pain and agony and jealousy that coursed through her, without feeling like the night might actually kill her?
"Let's do something crazy," Blaine announced. Rachel sat up on her bed, she hadn't heard him enter her house but there he was, wearing the cardigan he knew she loved and grinning at her in a way that she usually only saw late at night back in New York.
"Um, I don't want to seem rude, but what are you doing in my room?"
"I'm not allowed to see you in Ohio? Is that against the rules?" he challenged, his grin turning into a smirk now. She blushed, he always seemed to unravel her.
"I just-what if someone thinks its weird and tells Kurt?" she pointed out, and he shrugged in response.
"We hang out in New York all the time without Kurt. Unless they actually see what we're doing most of the time, I don't think it'd be too weird. Of course, if they did see-"
"Blaine Anderson!" she scolded, cutting him off mid-sentence. "Now, what did you want to do, because I can't do anything too crazy, and we're only home for a few days before spring break is over anyways."
"There's a Rolling Stones concert tonight in Cleveland," he started, and she interrupted him once more. It was a bad habit of hers.
"We don't have tickets and I don't feel like paying ridiculously high tickets. How are they even still touring?"
"Are you trying to tell me if you had the opportunity to tour when you're almost 9,000 years old, you would turn it down?" he retorted good naturedly, leaning against her wall, completely at ease in her room. Sometimes it threw her off how comfortable they were together, the thoughts of how well they would be together publically slipping through the wall she had built up.
"I suppose I wouldn't," she muttered under her breath, sitting on her hands and quieting down so he could finish his spiel on whatever wild plan he had concocted.
"Now, I've been to the place where they're playing-it's a relatively large stadium, and there's rarely security around the back wall, which-even for two less than average heighted people, can be climbed," he concluded, looking so smug that she just rolled her eyes.
"You want us to crash a Rolling Stones concert? I didn't even think you liked them that much."
"It's the Stones Berry, it's practically illegal not to like them. Plus, didn't you tell me how you guys belted out 'Can't Always Get What You Want' at your sectionals sophomore year? And it's more about the thrill, the fun and adventure-"
"Basically all the reasons we sneak around in the first place?" she countered, sounding a little more harsh than she had meant to. She rarely acknowledged her feelings for him out loud, how they had become steadily more about love and less about lust, but sometimes it would slip through and fall out before she could stop it.
His face softened a bit as he crossed her room, gently stroking her cheek as she focused on her comforter underneath her, determined not to look at him and trying to calm down the blush that was now covering her face. "Hey," he said quietly, kneeling on her bed close to her now. "You know it's more than that, that you mean more than that." She bit her lip, closing her eyes to catch the tears that threatened to leak now. "Rachel, come on, I just-I thought it'd be something fun for us. Almost like a real date, where we don't have to worry about seeing other people, and we can be-us."
She nodded, still not looking at him. "No, it's fine, let's be adventurous and crazy and young and irrational," she agreed quickly, her voice still a bit higher than she would have liked. He kissed the top of her head and grabbed her hand, holding it in his. A calm washed over her as quickly as the sudden onslaught of emotions had come in the first place, and she took a deep breath, looking up at him with a smile now. "But if we get arrested, I'm telling the cops that I was completely innocent and it was all your fault Anderson."
He smirked back at her, pulling her off the bed now. "I expect no less of you Berry."
It was one of the best nights of her life.
She didn't say goodbye to Blaine, heading for the door and for the cold November air outside, taking gulps of it when she hit the sidewalk. The nearest subway was only two blocks from their apartment, but she headed in the opposite direction, towards the coffee shop where they had last been alone, where he had told her of his plan. I have to do this, he told her, his eyes full of sorrow. That was the first time she felt it, the actual feeling of her heart breaking. All of a sudden it became clear to her, what had been real and what had been a dream. Their time together was like a fairy tale, but Kurt was the one who got the happily ever after while Rachel was the ugly step sister.
It was empty now, people flitting past it without a second glance while she stood across the street from it, remembering the scene in all too vivid detail. How he had reached across the table to squeeze her hand, only for her to retract it quickly, standing up even more abruptly and saying Well then if this is it, I should go in a distant voice. The tears had barely stayed in a block before she ducked into a department store, quickly finding a restroom where she could deal with the initial blow before the numb sense of shock set in.
Not that she could really say she was surprised. After all, part of the reason Kurt and Blaine had wanted to move to the city in the first place was because it allowed gay marriage. It was a place they could have a legitimate future in together, and while they had all been in high school at the time, she knew that they hadn't forgotten that in their college and life plans. Back in high school, it was cute. She remembered jumping up and down with Kurt as the results came in that the law had passed, hugging Blaine tightly while Finn slapped them both on the backs with an awkward grin.
But that was high school, when Finn was the one she loved and Blaine was just a friend. The possibility that this was her one true love, her destiny-that was never an option. She had never even considered it until that night in college, a few weeks before their senior year started at a party from a mutual friends. Rachel and Blaine had both ended up at Julliard-a feat few saw coming. With Kurt at Parsons, they saw him as often as they could but Rachel's contact with him was especially limited. Blaine at least lived with him, the two renting a small studio apartment in midtown. But Rachel had stayed over the summer after getting a gig in a small theater-way off Broadway, but it was in a theater in New York and she was content with that. Blaine had simply not wanted to go back and deal with his parents, but Kurt was in Ohio once more for a family vacation that he couldn't get out of.
And the pieces all just fell into place. There was alcohol, though Rachel didn't ever remember being that drunk. It was the middle of July and it was hot, which meant that she was in the perfect state of mind to think it was a good idea to jump into a fountain in the middle of a small park when Blaine was trying to walk her home, though he was just as intoxicated as she was and didn't protest too much when she convinced him it was a good idea.
She smiled fondly now, ignoring the throbbing pain in the back of her mind as she recounted how Blaine had slipped in the fountain, falling ungracefully and pulling Rachel with him, how they had laughed for what seemed like hours as she laid on top of him, laughed until they realized exactly what kind of position they were in when they stopped immediately.
They had kissed, quickly at first as if to gauge the others reaction, before climbing out of the fountain and walking hand in hand silently towards her apartment-it had been closer. That was the first night that the thought of them flitted through her mind since high school, but she was wiser, older, more mature. That summer grew to be about sex-his boyfriend was gone, unable to get him off, and she was there. She hadn't had a boyfriend in awhile, and random guys were never her thing. Blaine was someone she could trust, someone who wouldn't break her heart in the end.
But somewhere along the line, they changed from fuck buddies to lovers, and by the time they realized it had happened it was too late.
"I still have no idea how you managed to pull that off," Kurt smiled at Blaine, walking hand in hand with him. Rachel eyed their fingers jealously until her boyfriend Richard, another actor from the company she was now officially a part of after graduation, threw his arm over her shoulder.
"Well, I had help," Blaine answered humbly, glancing at Richard before his eyes settled on Rachel, winking at her when Kurt turned away.
"It was probably the best date I've ever been on," she answered, though her mind wasn't really on Richard, instead on how Blaine had sat between her and Kurt, squeezing her hand every so often throughout the newest Broadway sensation they had just all seen.
"Well I'm glad I managed to pull some strings then," Richard replied smugly.
"You know what I want to do?" Blaine asked a moment later as they crossed a relatively deserted side street, the city quiet at such a late hour.
"Sleep?" Kurt asked hopefully, his yawn barely contained behind his answer.
"No," Blaine scoffed, "I want to dance."
"We're in the middle of walking home Blaine," Kurt replied, slightly annoyed. "It is not the time for dancing. It is nearly 1 in the morning, and no matter how great of a date you managed to pull off, I am not going to pause my walk so you can dance to no music in the middle of a city street."
"Why not?" Blaine whined, and Rachel giggled despite herself as he looked at Kurt with an almost puppy like expression. "Come on, live a little, be crazy," Blaine tried to prod, poking Kurt in the side. Kurt simply glared, ignoring him.
"I'll dance with you," Rachel said, surprising herself even as the words fell out.
"You hate dancing in public," Richard stated, sounding just as shocked as she felt.
"No, nope, now it's like a binding contract, you have to do it," Blaine told her, dropping Kurt's hand and grabbing hers, pulling her in close before starting to tango down the sidewalk. Rachel let her head fall back as she laughed, following his steps as he spun her around, the pair moving to the wider berth the street allowed them, their boyfriends watching bemused from the safety of the sidewalk.
"Dip her, dip her!" Kurt called out, and Blaine did so, dipping her so low she could feel her hair brush against the pavement below her. She felt momentarily breathless, almost drunk though she hadn't had a sip of alcohol in days, as he grinned at her and tightened his grip on her hip before pulling her back up, continuing to dance once more.
Her laughter reverberated off the buildings around them, Kurt and Richard occasionally offering commentary from the side as Blaine danced Rachel all the way to her apartment, her feet throbbing in pain from her heels and her heart happier than she thought it had ever been before.
He dropped her off at her door, bowing with a grin and kissing her hand. "It was a pleasure to dance with you Ms. Berry," he told her, and her smile grew somehow larger.
"The pleasure was all mine, Mr. Anderson," she replied, blushing as he hugged her tightly, whispering 'I love you' quietly enough that the other two wouldn't hear it, her heart pounding at his words as he pulled back and clapped Richard on the shoulder, letting him know she was all his now.
Richard didn't last too much longer.
Rachel unlocked her door, not bothering to turn the light on as she kicked her shoes off and dropped her coat off in the hallway. She wasn't normally that messy, but she figured special circumstances allowed her to become a slob. And tonight had definitely qualified, even if she had only seen Blaine for two minutes. It was two minutes longer than she had seen him in weeks, two minutes when she had to look at the face of the man she loved and deal with the fact that he was not hers, nor would he ever be.
She changed into sweats and grabbed the non-dairy ice cream from her freezer before curling up on her futon in the living area, turning on the TV and flipping through the channels until she came across a mindless Friends repeat. She watched the TV without processing it, her mind still wrapped up in Blaine and her and their entire relationship, or whatever it was that they had.
She hated what they had done to Kurt, even if Kurt had never known. She had spent three years knowing full well that if Kurt found out he would be devastated, betrayed, livid, but she also spent three blissful years in a bubble of contentment and happiness she hadn't been able to find with anyone else. And she had tried, dating various guys as time went on. She figured that as long as she loved Blaine, there was little hope to find someone else-no one else seemed as good as him. They didn't feel the same when they kissed her, without the scruff that he sometimes let grow over his face when he was too lazy to shave, or decide on spontaneous trips to the beach and refuse to let her talk them out of it, or sing to her softly when they thought she was sleeping.
She couldn't remember a time when she didn't wake up thinking about him, wondering where he was or why he was with Kurt. She couldn't remember a time when she wasn't wondering why Kurt was better than her, or why Kurt was an easier choice. She missed having Blaine sleeping beside her when she went to bed at night and Kurt was traveling, wrapping his arms around her and keeping her safe, calm. She had taken to muttering in her sleep now that she knew it would never happen again, or so a random hookup told her one morning, asking who "Blaine" was and why she spent all night saying his name in her sleep.
She missed a lot of things about Blaine, from the way he used to strum his guitar while she was trying to study lines or the way his face crinkled when he laughed. She missed how he made her different, more carefree, less worried about everything being perfect, more spontaneous. He made her a better person, the person she wanted to be.
But really, when it came down to it, she just missed him. And as she drifted off into a restless sleep once more, she pleaded silently to no one about how she would have given anything to not be sleeping alone.