I'm sick, Delphine.
Those words haunted the immunologist for weeks now, every single day she spent in the lab, looking over blood samples and trying to find cure for the mysterious disease. Every morning she would get up, untangle herself from Cosima's warm embrace and head to the University. Even though she was still obligated to work for Leekie, she could not return to DYAD, leaving sick Cosima behind.
It was a while since she could rest.
Days and nights in the lab were turned into a blur, and she could not call and ask any of her coworkers for help. It was Cosima's wish to keep the whole case away from the DYAD and Leekie, not wanting to have herself in their debt if she was to get cured. Delphine obliged, more because she was too big of a fool, which she realized when it was too late.
In the first couple of weeks, the days in the lab were not always so lonely. She had Cosima by her side, and the two of them seemed to be making progress. Despite having her health deteriorating, Cosima still had that wide, goofy grin on her face every time Delphine would look at her. Those hazel eyes would carry the spark behind the spectacles every time the immunologist would wrap her hands around the tiny body, and kiss her lips before they went to bed. Cosima was smiling even after she would cough for hours, sheltered in Delphine's arms even though her whole body was shaking. Cosima was happy to have her by her side, even though Delphine thought that she was running out of time. They were running out of time. Sometimes in the night, she would hear Cosima crying when she thought Delphine was asleep, but was brave during the day, and Delphine tried to make all of it more bearable for her scientist. The burden was heavy, but she would have carried it to the edge of the world, only to keep it off Cosima's shoulders.
Soon weeks turned to months and the time was flying despite the fact that Delphine wanted to slow it down. Cosima could not get up from her bed anymore, even though she still smiled every single time Delphine would leave her in the morning and come back in the evening, as soon as she was able to, with ton of paperwork in her arms and a worn out look. It broke her to see Cosima's body thinning, to see the blush in her cheeks fading.
The nights were the worst.
—-
Delphine snapped out of her thoughts and realized that she dozed off, her head buried in her hands.
That morning was particularly gloomy when she kissed Cosima's forehead before heading off to the lab. For the past week the Darwinist's health had gotten progressively worse, and now she needed an extra oxygen to breathe. The bedroom in which they still slept in each other's arms was turned into a nursery with breathing apparatus and oxygen tanks. The bedstand was not covered in Cosima's books, truffles or bottles of wine anymore, but painkillers, sleeping pills, meds, capsules and syrups. All of that was not even remotely helpful, and by that point Delphine was not waiting for a miracle. At this point she was too afraid to leave Cosima alone at the house, so she called Sarah to move in with them and be by her side while Delphine was still trying. She still had hope, and refused to admit to herself that they were not going find the cure in time. That she would not be able to save Cosima.
Only couple of more days, and I'm going to Leekie.
What a fool she was for waiting that long.
The buzzing of her cell phone made her realize that se had gotten lost in her thoughts once more. She looked over at the screen and her insides dropped when she saw Sarah's name.
"Sarah? Is Cosima okay?"
Hearing the words from the other side of the line and nodding, Delphine stood up at once, wondering how her knees did not give out on her just yet. She wanted to run, but she failed to do so. Her feet dragged along the hallway in which they had spoken for the first time. Delphine bowed her head low as she remembered the quirky smile Cosima had that day.
If they had only met under different circumstances…
The chilly air of the early spring made Delphine come to her senses a little bit. Cosima was alive. She was not going anywhere. They would find the cure and they would be happy, just like they always planned to be. But Sarah's words echoed in her head.
Come home Delphine, Cosima is asking for you.
The unusual calmness behind Sarah's usually stern voice made her hands tremble as she got into the taxi. Cosima was nothing but scared, that was all. She had not seen Delphine that morning since she was asleep when the immunologist went to the lab, and the fact that she woke up to the empty bed made her ask for Delphine. That was all. The immunologist refused to think that there was anything worse behind it. If it had been anything else, Sarah would have told her, right? Sarah always said everything like it was.
After what seemed like a century, Delphine rushed through the door, her eyes immediately falling to the bed. Cosima's eyes were open, and she was staring at the ceiling, her chest heaving as a raspy sound emitted from her throat every time she exhaled. The blonde watched her lying there like that, not daring to make a sound or upset her. It was Sarah's voice that snapped her out of her gazing.
"She's been like that all morning. She coughed for majority of the time, and asked me to call you." Sarah exhaled through her nose, glancing over at her clone before shaking her head. "She's worse, Delphine. I can tell. The bin is full of bloody tissues, and it has only been two hours."
Delphine could not bring herself to speak so she just nodded.
"I'm going to get a drink, yeah? Fe is flying in today too, so we can watch her in shifts while you're working. Alison's coming tomorrow."
Delphine nodded once again and closed the door behind Sarah. Only when the door closed shut did Cosima notice that something was going on. Her head raised from the pillow and she took out the nose tube. The smile she wore was only a shadow of her former grin, and her cheeks were hollow, the bags under her eyes almost blue from all the coughing.
"Hey, beautiful." She croaked out, trying to prop herself up the bed, but fell back with a small groan. Her head rested back on the pillow as she put back the breathing tube and inhaled deeply through her nose, holding back a cough for Delphine's sake. She saw those puppy eyes looking at her with worry, she has been looking at her for weeks now, even though Delphine tried very hard to hide it. Cosima's spirits were still high, and she loved every single day where she got to wake up and live another day, even though being tied to the bed often brought tears to her eyes when no one was looking. She wanted to go out in the air, to feel the sharp wind sting her cheeks, to wrap her arm around Delphine or intertwine their fingers and go for long walks.
It was too late for that now, and she was well aware of it. It was like a huge elephant in the room that no one spoke of but everyone was aware of. She was going to die, and it was only a matter of days. In long nights when she couldn't sleep due to coughing, and when Delphine's arms held her close to herself, she could sometimes find herself regretting not taking Leekie's help. She was far beyond saving when those thoughts came creeping her head though, so she did not bother anyone with them, especially not Delphine.
The French woman was her guardian angel, sitting beside her every waking hour, never sleeping and never doing anything but holding her or looking for her cure. Everything she had done in the past did not matter anymore. Her clone sisters have learned how to fight everything that was thrown at them, and Cosima was sad that she would not be around long enough to see them finally be happy.
"Delphine, don't make me stand up and drag you to bed, because you know I will." Cosima joked, every single word causing unbearable pain her chest as her hand raised to beckon the blonde to come to her. When she obliged, Cosima nestled her head on her chest, turning around slowly to wrap her arm around Delphine's slim torso, closing her eyes. She could feel Delphine's body slightly trembling, and not having enough strength to look up, she just nuzzled in closer. "Don't cry, pretty girl." She whispered against the sweater, feeling another round of coughs building up in her chest, her fingers weakly clutching at Delphine's waist in response.
The immunologist could feel Cosima's weak grip, and she only pulled her thin body to herself, her tears falling silently into dreadlocks as her lips were pressed on the top of brunette's beautiful head. They didn't speak for a long time, and when the coughs started, Delphine welcomed them by not bothering to get a tissue, but only held Cosima closer. For what seemed a century later, the tiny body stopped shaking, but the raspy breaths did not die away.
"Cosima?" Delphine called softly, her hand rubbing her back to soothe her down.
There was no response, just heavy breathing.
"Cosima?" This time, her voice was shaky a little bit. The minutes ticked by, and the blonde did not dare to look down.
"I love you… Delphine." Cosima finally hummed, her voice lower than the quietest of whispers. "I… always will."
"Shh, don't talk, chérie. Sleep a little bit, I will be here." Delphine's voice was trembling now as another wave of tears gathered at the corner of her eyes. She still didn't look down at her but rather out of the window. The winter sun was finally breaking out from the clouds, as if mocking them.
"You… need to… know. I'm… I'm tired…Delphine and…" She coughed again, but not for too long. She swallowed back, trying not to spew any more blood over blonde's sweater. Her hand looked for Delphine's, and the immunologist intertwined them as though she was reading her mind. "Look at me… please." She finally said, her head tilting only slightly upward to meet Delphine's gaze.
That was when Delphine Cormier broke.
When she looked down, she could see that her hazels were several shades lighter than she remembered them to be, and the circles around her eyes were as dark as her hair. Blood was smeared across her lips and her cheekbones seemed oddly out of place. Yet, she was smiling. Weakly, but smiling. Tears were glazed over her eyes and despite the death written all over her face, Cosima Niehaus was beautiful to Delphine.
"Cosima, I…" Delphine was shaking now, her fingers brushing through the dreads as her chin trembled, tears streaming down her face once again. "Stay with me. S'il te plaît".
At that little bit of French, Cosima's eyes reopened as she pulled out the tube and she only smiled a little bit wider, looking at those bright, teary eyes. "I'm totally… happy… that it's you here. That's why I told…Sarah." Cosima's eyes closed a little bit as she could feel the pain in her chest grow, but becoming lighter at the same time. She welcomed it as an old friend, knowing that it was the last thing she would feel, together with those eyes piercing her. Cosima couldn't think of a better way to die even if she wanted to.
"Kiss… me." Cosima pleaded, her hand giving Delphine's another weak squeeze, wanting to feel those rosy lips on hers for the last time.
Delphine could feel sobs building in her chest as her lips pressed against Cosima's. She could taste blood on her lips, but she didn't care. The kiss lingered since she knew it was the last one, and to her terror, she could hear the raspy breathing slowing down… until it stopped completely. Her sobbing intensified but she dared not pull away from Cosima as her head leaned against her forehead. She couldn't bear to open her eyes.
Only when the door opened for what could have been minutes or hours later, Delphine looked up, her eyes red and her cheeks dry, her hand still holding Cosima's and her other arm protectively around her waist. She could hear Sarah's panicked voice, she could hear her running over and calling her clone's name, but it was too late. Delphine watched Sarah, for the first time realizing how similar and yet how different they looked. Sarah didn't have that quirk in her eyes, and her mouth didn't twitch upward every time she would frown. Her voice was not Cosima's voice, and everything about looking at Sarah made Delphine hurt only more.
She watched mutely as Sarah began to cry, and she wanted to extend her hand to comfort her, but did not dare to let go of Cosima, afraid that she would disappear if she did so. Her limp body in her arms was her worst fear, and she knew that she would have to look down eventually. The sun was shining brightly outside, bringing life after long winter. Soon the flowers would bloom and children would play in the parks, and the city would spring to life again. Yet, Cosima would not hear children laugh, she wouldn't feel the rain or sunshine on her face. She would never take another walk to her university nor would she enjoy the nature in the park. She would never see her sisters again, nor her beloved San Francisco.
For the first time, the immunologist dared to look down at her love's face. Her eyes were closed, but all of the pain and suffering was gone. Her face looked like one of an angel painted on a chilly summer morning. And then Delphine realized: it was not Cosima who would miss the spring in the city… It was the other way around. No one would ever get to know her beauty, her grace, her wonderful laughter early in the morning. No one would ever have the honor of knowing her beautiful mind. And Delphine felt sorry for them.
She blinked away the tears that were forming in her eyes again as she finally let go of Cosima's hand and brought her fingers to brush across the hollowed cheeks. And in that second, the blonde could have sworn that she could see her smiling.