A/N: Bringing this over from Tumblr. The idea for this popped into my head when I was listening to my IPod and Creep came on. Darren would KILL this song.
There was a lot about Blaine's life that he could never have predicted. Two years ago if you'd told him he'd be spending his senior year at McKinley High and standing in front of the Glee club with conviction twisting up his stomach and his phone burning a hole in his pocket- well he'd have nodded politely and backed away as soon as he could because he wasn't the confrontational sort. At least not with strangers, sometimes not even with people he hates.
He's got good breeding Blaine, and that means he's expert at biting his tongue and taking the high road but if there's anything the last two years- Kurt and this strange road to where he is now- has taught him, it's that sometimes you just can't. Sometimes you have to stare at someone with heat in your eyes and a pointed 'this one's for you' glare, open mouth wide and let loose.
This song isn't for Kurt, whose text message 'Just do it. What have you got to lose?' is the one burning through his pocket. Not for the boy he'd loved and lost and struggled to get over but for the boy in the third row of the choir room, too cocky, too careless with his smiles and his bedroom eyes and too damn unaware of the fact that a heart is for more than pumping blood.
To put it simply, Blaine never predicted that time would make him change, that distance would change even more that he and Kurt would ever be anything more than Kurt and Blaine. He'd never predicted that he'd be just Blaine again and how confusing that would be at first because he can't be the same but he can't go back to what was before either.
If you'd have told him two years ago that he'd kiss another boy because feeling wanted was the best feeling in the world and the grip of hands in his hair was a kind of pain he could handle. That he'd come back again and again to relive that feeling, to hear the sounds of filthy praise and his own begging- well he'd have looked at you strangely and politely shaken his head.
He's had one steady boyfriend in his life, one dream of forever, and one… Sebastian. Beautiful smile, beautiful hands, beautiful boy; but never fully his. And that burns Blaine after awhile, more than being happy that his best friend is finding love again elsewhere even. It's the humiliation of needing something, someone, so badly that you can't breathe with it and knowing that they aren't even close to sharing the same affliction. He couldn't help but feel like he'd done that before and he wonders if he's not doomed to repeat the same desperation over and over again and it pisses him off.
From Kurt: Tell him how you feel. Just do it. What have you got to lose? Beyonce has some excellent numbers if you need inspiration.
It's not that Blaine hasn't tried, but Sebastian has walls. He doesn't want to talk about anything beyond the present moment, he doesn't want Blaine or anything else to tie him down. For god's sake he'd sung Taio's Break Your Heart as a seduction tactic. Sebastian has the terrible power to take him apart with so much as a whispered word or the touch of his fingers and is it so much to ask for him to hesitate at the door before he went off to one of the many others whose names and faces Blaine carried around with him like they were his personal demons, when they should be Sebastian's.
He couldn't feel all of this on his own, it couldn't be just him bursting out of his skin and swallowing his tongue at any given moment at just the thought of what they were together. Right.
So Blaine nodded to Brad, looked to the boy in the third row and prayed that Kurt was right and he had nothing to lose with raw honesty.
I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fucking special, I wish I was special.
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.
Oh She's running out again. She runs runs, runs, runs.
Whatever makes you happy, whatever you want.
You're so fucking special. I wish I was special.
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
He sang, and Kurt had been right. Watching the ever present smirk slide off Sebastian's face, the grit of his own teeth, swallowing the taste of his own bitterness and pouring out anger and sadness and everything dark inside him that kept twisting him up- it was a release, it was fantastic.
But it might not change anything. Artie and the others clapped when he finished, Shuester even clapped him on the back but the one person he wanted a response from was as ever, impossible to read.