Thanks to my friend Katie (lilgulie5) for reading this over this for me. You should check out her stories sometime, they're wonderful.
Please review after reading, and enjoy!
Grief
Quinn Fabray loved Sundays. They just happened to be her favorite day of the week. Sunday mornings were for church, where she got to put on her Sunday best and show off her beauty to the rest of the Ascension of Our Lord Catholic Church congregation. The afternoon was for brunch; the one time of the week where Quinn actually saw her dad. It was usually awkward and forced, but hey, it was something. After brunch Quinn always did her weekend homework, and after that she got to relax and watch a movie. She didn't have much time during the week to relax, so she looked forward to her lazy Sundays.
Quinn woke up the first Sunday after Nationals and was disappointed to find it was raining. She looked out the window to see a completely darkened gray sky. There was a hint of sun behind the clouds trying very hard to sneak a peek at the people of Lima, but the storm clouds were winning the battle. She sighed and closed her curtains. Sluggishly she walked to her bed and collapsed with her arms lazily above her head. She could already tell this was not going to be an awesome day.
Despite the premonitions Quinn was feeling, she managed to pull herself out of bed and take a shower. She blow-dried her new, short locks before straightening them and clipping her bangs to the side with a bobby pin. Next she did her make-up; a little foundation, blush, mascara, and lip gloss was all she added, not wanting to look too "whorish" at church.
Once she was quite content with her hair and make-up she walked out of her bathroom and across her room to her walk-in closet. She picked lazily through her copious amounts of dresses until she finally settled on a simple white dress with a black flower pattern and a black cardigan to match. She paired it with a pair of black wedges and was ready for church.
"Quinnie, I just love your new haircut," her mom, Judy, cooed as Quinn sat down at the kitchen table for some breakfast.
"Thanks mom," Quinn said, smiling slightly to pretend she cared about anything the elder blonde said to her. Judy sat an English muffin and an apple down for Quinn before setting her own food down and joining.
Quinn felt her phone vibrate in her pocket, but she knew her mom absolutely hated when she used the phone at the table so she ignored the text and began eating her apple. About halfway through she received another text and then another. Quinn knew something was up, so she decided to look at it anyway. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her new iPhone and sure enough she had four unread texts.
"Quinnie, you know how I feel about phones at the…" Judy started, but before she had a chance to finish her sentence Quinn dropped her apple, making a loud clink noise on the kitchen table.
Quinn's hands began to shake as she read the text from Mercedes one more time.
Puck's in the hospital. Get here as fast as you can.
At first all Quinn felt was numb. She didn't feel scared or anxious or worried she just felt…nothing. Then the reality of the situation finally hit her and the shaking took over her whole body. Judy looked at Quinn with large, worried eyes, but Quinn's mouth seemed paralyzed and she could no longer remember how to form words.
She abruptly stood up from the table. She looked at her mom and all she was able to get out was "Hospital…Puck…go". Without another word she turned from the table and rushed to the counter where she grabbed her purse before running out the back door, into the garage and driving off in her car.
Five minutes is how long it normally takes to get to Lima Country General Hospital from Quinn's house, but this time she managed to make it there in three. Honestly, she can't even remember how she was able to function well enough to drive, but somehow she managed to get there in one piece.
She ran through the doors to the hospital and up to the front desk. "I'm looking for Noah Puckerman," she blurted out.
The nurse behind the desk, a middle-aged woman with dark roots and bright red lipstick, looked up at Quinn like she had just stepped on her dog.
"Noah. Puckerman," Quinn said more slowly. She impatiently put her hands on her skinny waist and began tapping her foot on the white, linoleum floor.
The receptionist typed some things into the computer before saying, "third floor" in a completely bored and monotone voice.
Without even saying thank-you, Quinn turned and ran towards the elevator. She pressed the up button over and over impatiently, but it wasn't coming, so she grunted before opening the door to the stairs and running up. She got to the third floor and hastily turned a corner until she came to a waiting room. Pushing open the doors she found Puck's family and about half the Glee club sitting in uncomfortable wooden chairs. No one was talking. Most of them had their head buried in their hands.
"What's going on?" Quinn asked, her voice louder than she expected. Everyone looked up from their laps to her, their faces saying everything.
"Quinn," Puck's mom, Sandra, said as she stood up off the chair, "Puck was in a terrible car accident last night."
The room began to spin and Quinn felt dizzier than she'd ever been in her life. "But…but he's going to be okay right?" she asked, her voice shaky and rough.
Mercedes got up and walked over to her friend. Tears fell down Mercedes' chocolate skin, but Quinn had yet to shed one. Nothing was real enough to her. Sighing, she placed a hand on Quinn's arm, "He's in a coma, Quinn, and the doctor's say he's not going to wake up."
Quinn nodded as her whole body began to shake. She could see a black dot in her vision; it came toward her like a train and got bigger and bigger until it completely overtook her and she saw nothing but darkness.
X-X-X-X-X
Denial
Quinn had just woken up from the most horrible nightmare. Puck, he was dead. Killed in a car accident.
Except it wasn't a dream. Because when Quinn woke up, she found herself lying on the cold tile of the hospital floor. An unfamiliar nurse was checking her pulse when her eyes fluttered open.
"W…what happened?" Quinn asked, weakly.
Mercedes appeared at her side. "You passed out, Quinn."
"Why?"
"After I told you about, um, about Puck."
"What about Puck?"
Mercedes looked at her, worry lines etched across her face. "He, he's gone Quinn."
"Gone where?"
Mercedes sighed, "He's dead, Quinn."
"What?" Quinn asked, as she tried to sit up, but her head began pounding so she had to lie back down. "No, that can't be true. I just saw him at school on Friday. How could he be dead?"
"He was on his way home from Mike Chang's last night when a drunk driver hit him," Mercedes explained. Her voice cracked as tears continued to fall.
Quinn sat up, slowly this time and looked around the room. Sandra had sat back down. Puck's little sister, Lizzy, had her head buried in her mom's lap. Mr. Schue was there, as well as Finn, Rachel, Mike, and Lauren. Their faces were red and stained with tears. They were all staring at Quinn and Mercedes.
Quinn began to laugh. "You all are just playing with me. This is a mean joke."
"This isn't a joke, Quinn," Mercedes explained cautiously.
Suddenly the smile on Quinn's face disappeared altogether. "Stop lying to me!" she yelled loudly. Mercedes tried to reach out for her but she backed away quickly. "Don't touch me! Just tell me the truth!"
"I am telling you the truth," Mercedes cried, begging Quinn to believe her.
Quinn stood up and looked at everyone. The looks on their faces varied between shock, concern, and sadness. Suddenly it was like everything had hit her and her body began to shake again and she began to slowly back up towards the door. "Oh God," she mumbled over and over again under her breath. She felt as if the air was being sucked out of the room and she began to feel claustrophobic.
"I gotta go," she said as she backed into the double doors, opening them. She turned around and took off at a sprint
X-X-X-X-X
Anger
Quinn found a janitor's closet and opened it quickly, ignoring the sign that said 'employees only'. She closed the door behind her before sliding down slowly and dramatically. She put her hands on either side of her head and screamed, no doubt scaring some passers-by in the hallway.
Puck's dead, Puck's dead, Puck's dead, she repeated over and over in her head until it became just a part of her thoughts, like listening to music in the background while doing your homework.
But I love him, she thought, but I love him and I never told him because I thought I had time.
Quinn had barely spoken two words to Puck in almost a year, and she was completely at fault for that. After giving Beth up for adoption, she figured things could go back to the way they were before. She thought if she became popular again she would be able to slip through high school and just get it over with. She thought she could save love and truly living for college where she would go somewhere away from Lima and re-invent herself. She thought she had time to explain to Puck why she was ignoring him and for a few months he would be mad, but she would keep showing up and doing little things to show she actually cared until he caved and gave her another chance. She had it all planned out in her head. Except this, this wasn't a part of the plan.
Quinn had never been so angry in her life and it seemed to build up, from her toes to her forehead, until she felt about ready to explode. Her breathing became rapid and unpredictable and her tiny hands rolled into fists.
Why her? Why did this have to happen to her? Sure, she had done a couple of terrible things, but nothing that she thought could lead to something this awful. Was this karma?' You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone' as the saying goes. She never thought words could be so true.
Angry tears welled up in her green eyes; they were the first tears she had shed for him. She shoved her balled up fist into her mouth and bit down hard. She could feel her teeth starting to break skin, but it didn't hurt. Nothing hurt. She was numb.
Except everything did hurt. Everything hurt and nothing would be good again. How could something be good in a world that he is not a part of anymore?
What made her even angrier was thinking about how everyone at school would feel bad for Lauren and totally forget about the fact that Puck had a baby with her, that she had lived with Puck for months and probably knew him better than anyone else in the club. No, everyone would feel sorry for Lauren because she was dating Puck when it happened.
And Quinn did feel bad for Lauren, but she knew for a fact Lauren didn't love him the way Quinn did. The way only Quinn could. Their love was something more than a high school fling. With everything they were going through, it had to be. The love they had for one another was mature, too mature for either of them to handle, which is why Quinn got scared away. But it was also the kind of love she knew would always be there no matter what. That's how she knew Puck would have forgiven her one day and taken her back.
But not anymore…
He isn't capable of love anymore; he is just a vegetable now. One that will rot like everything else on the Earth and disappear forever. Because nothing on this planet is permanent, not even love.
Once Quinn had calmed herself and regained her composure she exited the closet and walked dejectedly back to the waiting room.
"Is there, um, anyway I can see him. One more time, I mean?" she asked.
Sandra nodded. "The nurse will let you see him if you ask."
X-X-X-X-X
Bargaining
The nurse had led Quinn down the hallway and stopped at a door marked 356. She nodded to Quinn, indicating that was the room she wanted. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, bracing herself for what she was about to see.
She opened the door and took a step inside before closing it behind her. The room was completely silent save for the rhythmic sound of the beeping machines hooked up to Puck's body. The sound was so soft and harmonic it almost sounded to Quinn like a lullaby.
Seeing him was worse than she imagined. He was hooked up to more machines than she could count on her fingers. Cuts and gashes adorned his whole body; his beautiful, tan skin almost not visible under all the dried blood and cuts. But even like this, with machines hooked up everywhere and bruises covering his body, he looked more handsome than ever.
She slowly walked up to the bed. She kept waiting for him to wake up and scare her, telling her this whole thing was a joke and that she better appreciate him now that she got a glimpse of what it's like not to have him. But this didn't happen.
She sat down on the bed next to his hip. She looked carefully at his face, trying desperately to take in and memorize every wrinkle and pore. His pouty lips, usually so red, were pale. They were still turned upwards slightly into his famous smirk.
He would have liked this, she thought. He would have liked that he looked so bad-ass. Even in death.
She grabbed his hand and for a split-second she thought maybe she saw it move before she realized it was her own trembling hand causing it to shake. A quiet sob escaped her mouth before she collapsed on top of him, her arms wrapped around his neck. Her tears began to soak the chest area of his hospital gown, but she didn't dare let go. She was holding on for dear life.
Her sobs grew louder and louder until her whole body was shaking and her breathing became forced. Her face was red and her eyes were almost swollen shut from all the tears that were falling. Mascara dripped down her pale skin like water droplets falling down the car window.
"Why did you do this?" she cried, looking up at the white ceiling. "He was so good, he doesn't deserve this. His mom, his sister, they don't deserve this. I…I don't deserve this."
"Please, please have him wake up," she begged. "Give him some kind of miracle. Give me one more chance to tell him how I feel. I promise I'll stop putting stuff off and live in the present. Just please, give me this. Give me one last chance with the guy I love. I'll do anything to make sure I don't ruin it. I'll pay attention in church, and I'll go to confession every Sunday. I'll be nice to Rachel and I won't run for prom queen next year. I'll be the girl you always wanted me to be. I'll be better. I promise. Just, just please have him wake up. I can't live without him. How am I supposed to live without him?"
She began hyperventilating, wheezing against his chest. Why was it so painful to breathe? Why was she even trying to breathe?
Minutes passed and nothing happened. He didn't wake up or move or show any sign of life or brain activity. Even though his body was still there nothing else was. He was not Puck anymore. He was not anyone anymore.
"Fuck you," Quinn cried. "Fuck you God. All my life I've gone to church and prayed the rosary just like you said I should. I've done everything to make sure I was on your good side and this is how you repay me? Well, I'm done with you. I don't want to be a part of your sick game anymore."
She sat up and took another look at the boy she loved. She knew it would be the last time she ever saw him for real. Almost obsessively she stared at him until she could close her eyes and memorize the crevasses of his elbow or the wrinkles on his neck. She planted one last kiss on his cheek before climbing off the bed and heading towards the door. She didn't dare allow herself one more look, but instead opened the door and walked straight out. It was the only way she could keep herself from breaking down completely.
X-X-X-X-X
Depression
It was that night that Noah Puckerman officially died. His mom made the decision to pull the plug when the doctor explained to her what kind of pain Puck was in. He assured her his chances of waking up were one in a million and it would be easier on everyone to put him out of his misery.
The funeral was to be four days later, on Wednesday.
That morning Quinn found herself getting out of bed for the first time since coming home from the hospital. Her mom allowed her to skip school that week and brought her food up to her bedroom every day, but Quinn hadn't eaten any of it. How was she to eat when she knew Puck never would again?
Somehow Quinn found the strength to shower and get ready for the funeral. She walked to her closet and picked out a simple black dress. Looking in the mirror she could see the large bags that had formed under her eyes from the four sleepless nights she had had. She did her best to cover them up with make-up, but some things just couldn't be completely covered.
She walked downstairs and plopped down at the kitchen table. Her mom set her usual apple and English muffin in front of her. To make her mom happy she chewed on the muffin a little, but soon she felt like she was going to be sick so she stopped. She stood up from the table and rinsed her dishes before sticking them in the dish washer.
"You ready to go?" Judy asked, grabbing her purse and keys.
"As ready as I'll ever be," Quinn replied.
Everything she looked at on the drive to the synagogue made Quinn think of him. The trees made her think of the time he spontaneously took her to a picnic in the park. Anything red made her think of how it was his favorite color. The cars made her think of the model ones he kept aligned on the shelves in his room. She wondered how she would get through life if everything reminded her of him.
The funeral was just as horrible as expected. People in black crying everywhere. Most all of the junior class came; the synagogue where the funeral was being held was packed.
Quinn thought back to one Saturday where she had accompanied Puck, Sandra, and Lizzy to temple. Puck wanted her to go and see what it was like and she was tired of spending Saturday mornings alone so she went. He held her hand the whole service and introduced her as his girlfriend.
So as Quinn sat through the funeral, she imagined Puck was right next to her, holding her hand. It's the only thing that got her through in one piece.
The next week Quinn's life had to go back to normal. She went to her classes, she went to Glee rehearsal, and she went home and lied in bed. Just as Quinn figured would happen, people didn't understand why she was so upset about the whole thing. But she didn't care. She knew how she felt about Puck and she knew how he felt about her. That's all she needed.
That next Sunday she refused to go to church. Her mom was not happy about it, but let it slide just that one time. Sundays were no longer Quinn's favorite days.
Months went by and things slowly but surely went back to their old ways. School ended and Quinn signed herself up for a lot of summer camps to keep her mind off things. She still wasn't eating or sleeping well, though. She was losing more weight than what could be considered healthy and the bags under her eyes were still large and dark. She also hadn't stepped foot in a church since the Sunday before the accident.
X-X-X-X-X
Acceptance
Summer came and went and school started up again. At first it was weird for everyone to have rehearsal and prepare for Sectionals without Puck's wildly inappropriate one-liners to make them all laugh. They found a new normal, though.
Quinn hadn't so much as looked at another man since his death. There's this new kid, his name is Zack. He is a football player, and he keeps trying to ask Quinn out. She denies him every time but he always seems to come back. His persistence is familiar, and it makes Quinn's heart ache.
Quinn has always been broken. Since the time she asked for a nose job and her own father said yes, like it was the happiest day of his life. Quinn spent every second after that trying to be the perfect daughter he would approve of. One moment with Puck ruined all that hard work. Not only was her dad disappointed, but he never wanted to see her again.
After all the baby drama had settled and Quinn joined her dad for Sunday brunches after church, she would spend the whole time trying to show him she had regained everything she once had. But he never seemed so proud of her again.
The thing Quinn got used to through all of this, was not being her true self. Obviously who she really was was not good enough for the world, so she spent all her time trying to create someone, a new person, who the world would deem more acceptable.
Puck had known her, though. He had known her and not the person Quinn pretended to be. She had opened up to him. She had shared with him her biggest fears and secrets, and he had shared his. When she was living at his house, the two of them would stay up late into the night and tell each other everything that was on their minds. That's how Quinn knew she knew him better than any other person. She knew the whole story behind his dad leaving. She knew why he felt the need to bully and slushie other kids at school. She understood his pain as if it was her own because, well, in so many aspects the two of them were so much alike.
After all these months passed it became harder and harder for her to picture him, though she worked hard to keep it from happening. It started small- she couldn't quite remember the way his eyes gleamed when he played the guitar- to bigger things such as the exact shape of his pouty lips. Soon enough he seemed to her like a dream. She could see him, but the picture was distorted and not quite right.
Each day as the image disappeared, the hurt lessened as well. Soon things she saw that reminded her of Puck, started to remind her of other things. That didn't mean the hurt stopped, not even for a second. That didn't mean that she didn't think about him every single day, but it did mean that she knew, someday, she would be able to get on with her life.
It was six months after Puck's death when Quinn went inside a church again. Quinn wasn't quite sure why she did, but something was telling her she needed to go.
It was another rainy day, which of course made her think of Puck. She opened the doors to the church and walked inside. It was a Tuesday so the church was empty. It was dark because there was no light coming in through the stained-glass windows. Quinn walked down the center aisle, only the sound of her heels on the hard ground breaking the silence. When she got to the very first pew she went inside and kneeled. She put her palms together in prayer and closed her eyes.
"Dear God," she began, "I know I haven't exactly been the best Christian these past few months. I haven't come to church or prayed or anything. But I was angry. I was angry at you because I thought you did this to spite me. People kept telling me, 'God took him young because He wanted him in heaven with Him'. I think that's a load of crap. People die when they die. I have to believe that. I have to believe that you do not chose, but instead welcome us with open arms when it happens. Because if you do chose, I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I don't think I can trust a God who takes people away for no good reason. I can, though, trust in a God who is taking care of Puck and helping him up in heaven."
A tear slid down her porcelain cheek as she continued. "I miss him so much. But lately it's like I have to remind myself to remember him. Is it supposed to be this way? I don't want to forget. But I want to move on. I need to move on. Because death is a part of life. Nothing on this world is permanent. Someday I'll die, too. Someday everyone who knows Puck will die and he will be just another name the world has forgotten. But I will, too. And I think that's okay. Because the world needs to move on from death. There is no point in sulking around, thinking about the inevitable. Thank you for being patient with me as I realize this. I love you. Tell Puck I say hello and that I love him as well."
Quinn wiped a few tears from her eyes and looked up. Just then a ray of sunshine poked through the glass on the windows, created a polychromatic array throughout the church. Quinn smiled as she took in the sight. "It's going to be okay," she said to herself. "Puck, he knows how I felt about him. He knows and everything will be okay."
She stood up from the pew and walked back out of the church. Sure enough the rain had gone away and the sun was poking out from behind the clouds. Quinn walked to her car, feeling freed and delighted. On the way home she stopped and ordered a Big Mac. She had gotten her appetite back and boy was she hungry after six months of barely eating.
And as she ate and thought about how everything was going to be okay, she also thought that tomorrow, if Zack asked her out, she would say yes. Because it's okay to move on, and it's even okay to forget a little. Puck was gone and never coming back. But Quinn was there. She was still breathing and still living her life. And knowing Puck, he would want her to live it to the fullest.
Review, please.