Sherlock Holmes X HP crack ficlet. Just a short thing I whipped up one afternoon.
Harry potter was finally dead (or so it seemed), the defenders of Hogwarts had gathered to welcome their new lord and master, Lord Voldemort home. Draco's pale hair stood out against the crowd. An idea over took lord Voldemort, he needed to hug the son of the one who confirmed Harry's death. This would surely convince the crowds.
Draco exited the crowd towards the dark lord.
"AAAHHH!" Voldemort moaned. "Well done, Draco." The boy was close; any second now, he and the young boy would embrace in the most loving hug he could imagine…
Suddenly a light flashed between the two! It was blinding, but left as soon as it came. In its place was a man dressed in clothes that could have come from a world perpetually stuck in 1895, about 20 years ahead of the Wizarding world.
"Hello?" the man said, looking from Draco to Voldemort. "Might I enquire as to which of you undoubtedly fine gentlemen is the one known as Mr Tom Riddle? Perhaps also known as Lord Voldemort?"
"I am Lord Voldemort" Said dark lord wheezed. "And who might you be, to apparate in the middle of Draco and I's hug?"
"In the middle of your hug?" The man said. "Excellent! I Am Sherlock Holmes, the world's only consulting detective, and have been tasked to travel ninety seven years into the future to stop a very bad occurrence!"
"What occurrence would this be?" Voldemort yelled, the elder wand twitched in his hand.
"Your hug." Holmes said simply, and then he was in his patented, (well, not patented, but signature) 'Sherlock Scan Weaponised Mode'.
He could SEE EVERYTHING. Observations flooded his brain.
His Advantage: Magic.
My Advantage: His ignorance.
Creaking bones, must be brittle, possibly hollow. Start with a fly kick to left side of ribcage.
He responds with an Ava Kadava or whatever. Dodge and stomp Left foot with right heel.
Follow up with an open palm to non-existent nose.
Target is unbalanced, instinctively tries to my stab face with his wand.
Counter with left handed uppercut to the wrist.
Now with only half a wand, victim attempts to flee by backing up.
Hook trip with right foot, follow with shovel hook to right shoulder joint.
Victim on ground, now, hammer to Right upper humerus.
Overhand to left shoulder joint.
Finally, double casting punch to shoulder joints.
In summary:
3 fractured ribs.
Broken foot.
Broken cartilage in nose.
Sprained wrist.
Snapped wand.
Dislocated shoulders.
Smashed humerus.
Broken collar bones.
Normal physical recovery: 8 weeks
Normal psychological recovery: 10 months
Physical and psychological recovery due to angry mob: Unlikely
Capacity to use magic well: Greatly Diminished
Ability to hug Draco Malfoy, in doing so, ruining many slash-fangirl's visions of the incident: neutralised.
He was back out of the Sherlock Scan.
And WHAM.
A few seconds later, Lord Voldemort was on his back, screaming in pain.
Sherlock turned to face the assembled Death Eaters, focussing on the black haired Bellatrix.
"Oh, and the child is Lucius', not Tom's!" the rest of the congregation looked on as the consulting detective vanished in another flash of light.