How I Met Your Mother 02 Chapter 1, a glee fanfic

A/N: Book 2 of How I Met your Mother, reviews are nice. I like reviews.

Song: How I Met Your Mother (Really, it was named after the show then I found out that this was the title of a song, so you know, two birds one stone sort of thing). by Taking Back Sunday

Summary: Charlie promptly ignores Santana, as she bites her nail—how had let Santana convince her that this was a good idea. "My parents are old, I probably should have sat them down and told them that dragons exist before bringing them here. Why in the world did I let you convince me that this was a good idea?"

Santana rolled her eyes, as she played with the magic box on the wall. "I didn't, I said it was a terrible idea. The children might eat your parents. However, I also pointed out that it wouldn't be all to difficult to impress your human parents. I'm a dragon, I am naturally impressive."

Disclaimer: I own nothing

"I think this is a terrible idea," Charlie muttered under her breath as she paced the length of her new lightly-used RV. "Probably the worst you've ever had."

Glowing orange eyes flicked over to Charlie, and Santana shot her concubine an amused patronizing look. "This was your idea," she reminds Charlie.

Charlie promptly ignores Santana, as she bites her nail—how had let Santana convince her that this was a good idea. "My parents are old, I probably should have sat them down and told them that dragons exist before bringing them here. Why in the world did I let you convince me that this was a good idea?"

There was a half-charred lump outside her RV and near a cave that was supposed to be her new home that suggested otherwise, but Charlie didn't bother to bring that up. Santana was sensitive about her failures and the last thing she wanted to do was deal with a moody dragon. Instead she focuses on the most problematic thing that Santana had said. "What do you mean the children might eat my parents?" Charlie turns to Santana.

Santana sighed and turned to look at Charlie, as if she were explaining an easy concept to a child. "It's the circle of life Charlie. Humans eat cows, and pigs and whatever. Dragon's eat cows and humans and whatever. We're at the top of the food chain you know."

"They're my parents Santana, the children can't eat them!" Charlie insists immediately. When Santana just stares at her blankly she groans, of course Santana wouldn't take it seriously. She never took anything seriously when it came to raising the children. "I'll be very upset and we won't have sex ever again if my parents are eaten by our children."

"I'll make sure that they don't eat your parents," A pleased perverted smirk crosses Santana's face. "Besides you have plenty of meat Charlie, just toss it at them and it should get them to back off."

"They aren't wild dogs Santana."

"No, they're dragons and you're spoiling them. You feed them all the time."

"I feed you all the time," Charlie snaps.

"Yes, but you're my concubine. They should go find their own." Santana shakes her head. "They need to learn how to hunt, they need to learn how to take care of themselves, and find their own treasure. You can't just give it to them. They've already got a drop of human blood in them, you don't want all the other dragons to pick on them, do you? No, they need to be strong and independent."

"They're like four, aren't they?"

Santana hummed in response before being distracted by the magic box again, "You're a terrible parent, you don't even know your kids age."

"I didn't even know had children until a month ago," Charlie snips at Santana who smiles at her as if they're completely over the issue. They weren't she just didn't know how to get Santana to understand that she was still angry with her.

"I think you just proved my point," Santana smiles at Charlie. "They're three."

"You want to eat them," Charlie accuses. "They're three years old and they're precious—" Santana snorts at this and she can't help but scowl. Even if she agrees with Santana that her children are little monsters, literally and figuratively, they were still her children. "Okay, so they're not that great but they're three. They shouldn't go to bed hungry."

"They're spoiled. I had my own cave at three, I already had an impressive hoard at that age. I was very advanced for my age. They don't have a lot going for them Charlie, they're not all that bright, and they've got human blood in them. They need to be strong."

Charlie rolled her eyes, "They're three, you can teach them how to be strong when they stop drooling and spitting up balls of molten lava everywhere." The children were barely potty trained, and she had no idea why Santana believed that the children were slow. "Speaking of our children where are they? They need to get dressed so my parents don't think I'm a piss poor mother who can't even dress her kids."

"I'm their mother, you're the father," Santana corrects absentmindedly.

"I'm a woman."

"You had a penis, you impregnated me. You're their father. We've had this conversation. I don't see what the big deal is."

Charlie sighed, she wasn't going to win this argument with Santana and she just wanted to put the kids in the clothes that she had gotten them. They, like their mother, didn't really enjoy wearing human clothes. At least she had managed to train Santana into transforming her scales into 'appropriate' clothing. She wasn't quite sure that Santana understood what appropriate was. At least Santana had morphed into something appropriate this time, appearing in a pair of jeans and a snug shirt. The last thing she needed was a wardrobe malfunction in front of her parents. All she wanted to do was pretend that she had it together for one day. "Whatever, I need them to put on the clothes I got them."

Santana shrugged, she personally had no idea where her kids were and she didn't quite care to find out either.

"How could you not know?" Charlie groans, her parents were going to judge her.

"Shush Charlie, the magic box is speaking and my favorite show is on. I want to find out if—"

Charlie held up her hands, she didn't want Santana to get into her simple pleasure of watching trashy soap operas. She had no idea what Santana found interesting about them, but she didn't have time to get into it with Santana right now. She needed to find her kids and put them in clothes and make sure that they were clean before her parents arrived. She had an hour. She only hoped that it was enough time. They were probably outside. At least she didn't have to worry about three children running about, in the woods alone—she really wasn't going to win any parent of the year awards.

It's the smell of something burning and the sound of trees being battered into that leads Charlie to the flattened area behind the RV. Santana had flattened the land but there were still a few trees that the dragon was to lazy to get too. Just like her house, she was going to be stuck in this tiny little RV for the rest of her life. Santana loved it, and said that it was cozy as she tried to get into her pants constantly.

Charlie's blood runs clothes when she sees her children in all their dragon glory standing around something large and fuzzy that didn't appear to be moving. They didn't look like baby dragons, in their dragon form they towered over her and had knocked her over a few times already. Santana had informed her that they were rather small for their ages. She didn't quite have any frame of reference for what normal dragon growth was so she was stuck believing everything Santana said, even though she suspected that Santana was bullshitting her most of the time.

Unlike Santana who was completely black in her dragon form, her children had a splash of gold under their wings. Santana insisted that it would disappear as they age, but the splash of gold was clearly the only thing that they had taken from her, well that and her eye color. Other than that, they were clearly Santana's children, as they were clearly tormenting a poor defenseless animal. "What are you doing?"

Two dragon's turn to look at her and she winces when she remembers that they couldn't talk like Santana in that form and she immediately extends her hands to stop Alex from knocking her over in his attempt to nuzzle her. She grunts as her ass hits the ground, as Alexander rubs against her. "Santana!" She calls out loudly. She knows that Santana can hear her, and was ignoring her for that silly television show. She sighs. "I'll let you do that thing you wanted to do tonight after my parents leave," Charlie called out for her dragon lover to hear. It was the only way to get Santana to do anything these days. She grunts as Alexander continues to nuzzle her and bat at her already bruised body. She was going to need to remind him of personal space when he was in his human form. "Alexander, you need to get off!"

"This isn't some trick, is it? You're really going to let me—" Santana paused from where she was currently standing on Charlie's RV and stared at the bear that Bela was currently tugging on. "Our kids killed their first bear! Maybe they aren't as slow as I thought!"

"Bear? Wait there are bears in these woods?"

Santana promptly ignored Charlie, hopping off the RV and approaching her children. She waved her hands over Alexander turning him back to his human form as he landed with a thud on Charlie who grunted. She heads toward the bear only to have Bela step in front of it and bare her fangs at her. Santana blinked at this and smacked Bela between the eyes, before changing her into her human form so she could inspect the bear that her children had killed. "It's rather small I think."

"No! It's a big bear and it's ours!" Bela insists as her mother finally changes Aidan back into his human form.

Alexander grinned at his father who was currently rubbing her arms. "Can you make it tasty?"

"Yeah!" Aidan grinned from where he was toddling up to her.

Charlie stared at the bear, it was covered in dirt and bite marks and it seemed that the kids had dragged it a distance. "I don't know how to cook bear."

Santana hummed, and picked up the bear by it's leg sniffing it carefully, before turning to look at Charlie. "You know how to make everything," Santana informs her encouragingly.

"It's our bear!" Bela insists. "We killed it!"

Santana glances at her daughter and gently pushes her back with her tail. "I know, and I'm impressed."

"Really?" Bela's eyes widen at this.

"Yeah, I was just telling your father how you needed to learn how to hunt. I'm not sure I approve of you hunting together but you did kill a bear and you are three. Don't worry I'll make sure your father cooks this bear up for you."

"Santana, I don't eat bear."

"It's delicious you should try it. You make everything taste better and you can look it up, can't you?" Santana prompts.

Charlie groaned, she should never have shown Santana the internet. Of course, all Santana looked at on the internet was weird porn things that she wanted to try but still. Her father had taken her hunting and she did know the basics of skinning but it wasn't as if she wanted to actually get her hands dirty. "Okay, fine. But you're doing all the cleaning of the meat, I'll find some recipe and I'll cook it but as for now you three need to wear the clothes I got you cause my parents are coming and you want to make a good first impression on your grandparents—"

"Charlie! We're here!"

Santana drops the bear and turns on Charlie immediately, "I thought you said that we were meeting your parents what is she doing here?" Santana hisses.

Charlie groans, now she had to deal with Santana and Quinn bickering at each other. Quinn was only here for one reason, to have plenty of material to make fun of her for the rest of her life. Which, if her parents got their way wouldn't be all that long.