Say Goodnight Instead
summary: [3x22 companion fic] Before she asked for caviar, before she recorded her goodbye, before she watched the man she loved confidently come up with a plan for the 24 hours before her death, there was weariness and raw emotion. She could feel it seeping into Barry, could almost touch his sadness and desperation.
genre: Romance, Angst
rated: T
authors note: title inspiration and lyrics are from "Say Goodnight Instead" by Johnnyswim. Thanks for reading!
'Cause we got a beautiful thing
A thing that's not easy to find
So don't say goodbye love, say goodnight
And we'll save goodbye for when it dies
Cause I want to go to bed dreaming
That we are still happy
You'll read me the paper, I'll pour you some coffee
Go to bed dreaming that we are still happy instead
So don't say goodbye love, say goodnight
The sun had just begun to set when they had left the STAR Labs parking lot. The drive home was void of conversation. Iris had kept her eyes fixated on the road ahead while Barry stared out the passenger window as they made their way to their loft, both quiet and lost in their own thoughts.
In just about 29 hours she was supposed to die, at the hand of a version of Barry so broken and far gone that he wanted to make her Barry suffer. She knew she should be afraid, but she had made peace with the idea of an end. She also had all the faith in her team, in her boyfriend, that they would find a way to save her. But as she spared a glance to Barry, his fingers absently moving back and forth across his lower face as he stared unseeing out the window, she could tell he was losing confidence.
It was so strange when she thought about their emotional reversal. In the beginning she had been the one afraid and he had been the one so certain they would change the future, reassuring her over and over they would save her. And now she was the one to believe it to be true that they would change the future before tomorrow came, but she could tell Barry was now the one afraid.
They walked up to their loft entrance, Barry fumbling with the keys. After a few moments, Iris resisted the urge to place her hands over Barry's shaking ones as he at last put the key in the lock and opened the door.
With a sigh, Barry toed of his sneakers before heading straight down the hall to feed their turtle. Iris spared one last glance at Barry as she stepped out of her heels before silently heading up the flight of the stairs to their bedroom. She shrugged off her blazer first, moving towards the dresser as she reached behind her neck to unclasp her necklace. Her movements were slow, unable to stop her thoughts from drifting back to Barry's shaking, hesitant hands trying to put the key in the lock. It was a stark contrast to the steady, strong ones that always held her so close to him. She looked around at the bedroom they shared, hesitating for a fraction of a second before deciding. She made her way down the stairs and could see Barry in the kitchen.
He stood at the counter, shaking hands grinding the coffee beans of her favorite Dark Roast, prepping their morning coffee for tomorrow. Iris slowly came to stand behind Barry and placed her hands on his shoulders. She slid them down the length of Barry's arms slowly until she came to his hands, pressing her forehead to his back between his shoulder blades, feeling the natural warmth of his body the speed force lightning caused through his flannel shirt. Barry dropped his hands from the coffee grinder and let out a shuddering sigh and Iris could feel his body tremble slightly.
She guided him to turn around to face him, lifting her right hand to Barry's left cheek, the back of her hand stroking gently. Barry slid his left hand up into Iris', halting her stroking as their hands clasped, but Barry refused to look at her. His breathing just hitched, eyes closed and head bowed, hand clutching to Iris' at the side of his face.
Iris pulled away just enough to steer them towards the hall, stopping outside the bathroom door. Barry stood there unmoving, trying to hold his emotions in, breathing heavy through his nose, still not meeting her eyes. With little help from her lover, Iris unbuttoned Barry's shirt and slid it down his arms and off his body. She paused a moment to look at Barry's torso, smooth and lean muscles, pale skin, covered in freckles and moles and a few scars. She couldn't believe it had taken her so many years to notice how handsome he was, how beautiful he was. Although she had seen Barry shirtless many times over the years growing up in the same house, being best friends she never noticed his body this way until just a couple years ago and now she couldn't imagine not wanting to be pressed against him. She craved his presence, both in desire and comfort, never wanting to be without him by her side ever. As she watched Barry's breath hitch again, she knew he felt the same about her and was struggling with the idea that he was so close to losing her presence.
With a sigh, Iris returned to her task. Lowering her hands she unfastened Barry's jeans and pushed them down over his hips, letting them fall to his ankles along with his briefs, Barry stepping out of them. Iris then undressed herself, gently but not as slowly, as she shimmied the second-skin skirt and panties over her hips, pulling the chiffon camisole over her head and unclasping her bra. There was nothing seductive about they way she undressed them but she couldn't help but feel the sexual energy in the air as they both stood their naked in front of each other. Iris grabbed his hand and led him into the bathroom, their clothes left in abandoned piles on the living room floor.
Iris steered Barry into the standing shower, turning on the water before placing her hands on Barry's hips. As the water cascaded over them, Iris turned Barry around to face the wall with his back to her. Grabbing the soap, Iris started to lather up Barry's back, massaging his shoulders.
Iris traced lines down Barry's bare back as she washed and smiled as Barry's body lightly jumped at the touch. Barry turned in the shower to come face to face with his lover suddenly. Barry looked at her left hand, her engagement ring still being worn. A tentative hand tracing the ring as he grabbed her hand in his, his thumb just hovering over the metal. The tears started to flow now.
It was then that for the first time since they left STAR Labs that Barry looked into Iris' eyes as she raised both her hands to the sides of his neck, her palms pressed firmly against his skin. He turned his head to brush his lips against the inside of her left palm. Iris smiled sadly before standing on her toes to lean up as he bowed his head, the shower water cascading around them as she touched her forehead to Barry's.
Iris watched as tears squeezed out of the corners of Barry's now closed eyes, her hands slowly tracing the contours of Barry's cheekbones, the tears clinging to his skin as the water of the shower made it's own tracks down his face. But Iris' eyes followed the path of one tear that escaped the corner of his eye. Letting her palm rest upon his cheek, her thumb glided gently at the hollow of Barry's cheek, catching the tear with the pad of her thumb.
And then the levy broke. The thought that this could be their last night, that he was so close to losing the person that meant everything to him, that he may have to once again say goodbye to someone he loved broke Barry down into a sobs, his body shaking violently. Iris moved her hands to wrap one around his lean body, the other moving to rest her hand at the back Barry's head, fingers stroking through the short hair, her cheek pressed against the side of his neck, holding him tightly against her chest and deep into her arms. Barry all but folded around her into her embrace, wrapping his own arms around her slim back and clung to Iris as he cried. His fingers dug into her shoulder blade and waist, just short of being too tight, relishing the feel of her skin, burrowing his face into the crook of her neck and shoulder, cheek pressed to Iris' throat as he cried.
All Iris could do was hold him tight, hold him close as the water flowed over them. All Iris could do was let Barry know that, for now, she was still here.