Bittersweet
I realized how quickly lies compound.
They cover like a coat of paint, one on top of the other, until you cannot remember what color you started with.
(The Storyteller, Jodie Picoult)
„We've got to stop this."
Lily cocks an eyebrow at that, never bothering to answer. Instead, she raises her hand and trails a finger over the exposed part of Sirius' chest. He inhales deeply, trying to ignore the burning she leaves behind, then leans forward to kiss her, his words almost forgotten again. Their lips touch, but it lasts only a couple of irate heartbeats before Lily moves away, something like steel in her emerald eyes.
"Well, I guess I should be going," she states and has already turned halfway around when Sirius catches her arm, slightly out of breath.
"What," he croaks disbelievingly. "Why – We only just sneaked away."
"Didn't you just say we can't," she replies, her tone just a little bit flippant.
He stares at her, wide-eyed. "Are you serious?"
"No, that would be you," she drawls.
"Lily," running a hand through his hair, he looks at her pleadingly. "Don't be like this. This whole … thing is not easy for me."
"Isn't it, Black?" chuckling quietly she frees her arm out of his grip and shrugs on her Hogwarts robes. "It seemed to work pretty well the last couple of times. I'd say you appeared pretty eager even." She leans back in again to kiss him chastely on the cheek. "Sort out your problems with Potter. I won't be waiting for much longer."
With that she is gone, leaving Sirius behind in the unused classrooms they had chosen for their secret meeting place when they couldn't ignore the obvious attraction between them any longer. Now, however, he curses himself for ever giving in. Almost, at least. She's like heaven, fiery, insatiable and pretty pleasant to deal with when she doesn't try to chastise them for some prank or other. So he can't really regret falling for her, even though he knew from the very beginning that this can't work out.
Lily belongs to James. She might refuse to acknowledge that and he might be a total prick about the whole situation, but Sirius is sure that they will come together and stay together and he certainly doesn't want to stand between them.
Most of all, he doesn't want to lose the only family he's got left because he all but stole James' girl. Unthinkable what might happen if he ever found out that the two of them had been sneaking away for the past months to shag behind his back.
What a mess, he thinks while struggling with the buttons of his shirt. It's almost as if he can still feel Lily's touch, a lingering warmth on his skin.
"Bloody James," he curses, and knows he doesn't mean it.
"Pads, already back?", James greets him when he enters through the portrait a couple minutes later. He had thought about staying away, to not raise suspicion, especially because he doesn't know if Lily had gone straight back, too. But he is definitely too tired.
"Nah, Slughorn's got someone down there for detention. Seems like that'll take a while. I'll try again tomorrow."
"Doesn't matter," his friend shrugs grinning, "We've got a whole bunch of other pranks we can do first."
"What are you up to now, Potter?" her voice interrupts and Sirius nearly groans in annoyance. Why can't she just stay away?
"I might tell you, if you'd agree to go out with me," James shoots back, messing his hair up more than usual.
"Somehow I'm not that interested," then she adds in a sickly sweet tone, "You know, I'd rather go out with Black."
Sirius flinches but is instantly relieved as he hears James' uproarious laughter.
"That was a good one, Evans. Everyone knows you can stand him even less than me."
"Is that so?", she asks simply and turns to leave, not without looking intensely at Sirius. Remus peeks up at them curiously over the rim of his book, but decides to stay silent, for which Sirius is eternally grateful.
"I'll head up to bed," he announces, wanting nothing more than some silence to think, or better some whiskey to stop thinking.
His friends grunt in return, James wistfully watching Lily's back, while Peter concentrates on the chessboard between them.
He just can't stand their familiarity right now, not while he's seriously thinking about betraying his best friend.
They don't meet again for a couple of weeks. But always when Sirius is almost sure he will manage just fine without her, she smiles at him innocently, or accidentally brushes his fingers on they way out of the common room. Every time, his heart flutters and races – and stops when he thinks about the consequences.
She seems so nonchalant about the whole thing, as if it hadn't been her who had first kissed him and dragged him off into some dark corner to all but rip off his clothes. It's almost like she's gotten what she wanted, and now she's only in anymore for the sweet amusement of torturing him.
"What's going on between you and Sirius?", Remus asks one night while they are doing their rounds.
She doesn't show that spark of irritation that is growing inside her. "He's a git, like usual. What else is there supposed to be?"
Raising his wand to see her better in the light of his Lumos, he cocks his head. "Whenever you're meeting you stare at him. Not your usual annoyed stare, mind you,", he chuckles quietly, but she doesn't react. "He's kind of distracted lately. Looks after you."
"He doesn't," she snaps, then berates herself for being so bloody obvious. She would never admit it out loud, but his continued refusal to get back to her hurts. She hadn't wanted to put up that ultimatum, but she just couldn't listen to his constant worries about Potter anymore. It had been bad enough to swallow her pride and give in to those stupid confusing feelings that stirred whenever Sirius was near.
"He," she continues hesitantly when her silence is getting too long. "He suggested I might try to look past Potter's childishness and give him a chance."
That is clearly not what Remus had suspected. And somehow Lily is sure he doesn't really believe her.
"And," he trails off.
"And nothing. They're both idiots."
Remus smiles at that, not really convinced but willing to let it go. He always knew when not to pressure people. Lowering his wand again, they continue their patrol in companionable silence, he thinking about how to get some new prank idea to work, while Lily contemplates what to do with Sirius. Why does he have to be so bloody loyal?
Then again, she thinks grinning, they'd just have to see how far that loyalty goes.
She ignores Remus' asking glances when she starts humming. She might be able to fix this, after all.
"She said yes," James shouts when he is not even halfway through the door to their dorm. No one has to ask what this is about. James' face is split by a wide grin, his eyes are bright, and he's got that certain aura of the cat that caught the canary. It's like a punch to the gut.
"What?," Sirius asks before anyone else gets a chance to speak. His tone is sharper than he had intended, which earns him a confused stare from Remus, but their black-haired friend doesn't notice anything, being too shocked and too ridiculously happy.
"She said yes," he singsongs, almost floating over to his bed. "She smiled at me when I entered the common room, and I asked and she said yes."
"That's great, Prongs," Remus offers, still looking at Sirius, something like realization in his eyes. "What are you going to do?"
James' answer drowns in the sudden noise of blood rushing through Sirius' ears. Pain blooms inside his chest and a heaviness settles into his bones that he will later recognize as loss. A small part of his mind scolds him, She was never yours. You had a – thing. Nothing more. The other, much bigger part, screams and rages and can't believe her betrayal.
He gets up quietly and makes his way to the door, surprised that he is able to walk, because the whole world seems to be spinning.
" – going?", he hears, and after a moment of silence, lasting an eternity, he realizes Peter asked him a question.
"Alcohol," he mutters, and it must have been enough, because no one tries to stop him again. The way down to the kitchen seems way too short to find any resemblance of inner peace again. Everything is in a haze, something deep inside him has been turned upside-down, something he hadn't even realized was there.
He gets a bottle of whiskey from the house elves (years of sneaking down here and getting friendly with them had to have its advantages) and makes it right past the portrait with the still giggling pear before sliding down the cold wall. He opens the bottle and welcomes the amber liquid burning in his throat. That is a kind of pain he can deal with.
The chaos in his mind settles a bit more with every swallow, his vision clears and the noise in his ears stops. He starts laughing then at what big a fool he had been, loud, barking, mad. Of course she would give in to James, However else could she hurt him better and prove a point and still get her happy ending? She had said she wouldn't wait for him for forever. He hadn't been strong enough to chose her (or maybe he is just too fucking loyal), so she had made her choice.
Anger floods his veins at her impertinence. How could she? And then: Why had she waited so long?
Sirius gets up, intent on getting some answers, leaving the whiskey bottle behind. He walks through the castle in silent fury, his steps sure and wide, a far cry from the heartbroken boy who had come the same way not so long ago.
She waits for him outside the common room, head cocked to the side, a mocking half-smile on her lips.
"I knew you'd come running," she greets him sickly sweet.
"What the fuck, Evans?," Sirius roars, not caring about how easy they could be overheard.
Her smile widens. "Don't you want to congratulate me? You must be so happy for James."
For a moment he is shocked into silence, by her words, by how calm she is, by how easy it is for her to break him. Then he comes to a long overdue realization.
He lungs forward and grabs her arm, dragging her into an unused classroom only a couple doors down the hallway. Before she can even attempt to protest, he backs her against the wall and presses his lips onto hers, hungry, demanding and still so very angry.
It takes her only a heartbeat to reciprocate, hands roaming over his chest, fumbling to unbutton his shirt. He catches them, raises them above her head and keeps them still with one of his own. Never once interrupting their kiss he caresses her breasts, trailing down to her hip. She shivers under his touch and that gives him quite a bit of satisfaction, seeing – feeling – that she's not as cold as she pretends to be, not as indifferent regarding their thing. Taking the desire (he doesn't dare call it love) she ignites in him and hiding it away deep in his heart, he draws back, eliciting a disappointed moan from her. His lips curl up in a weak grin.
"I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to keep away from you for much longer," he murmurs, causing her to lean in, trying to kiss him again, but he stays out of her reach.
"Sirius," she breathes, confused and clearly wanting more but unable to do anything about it with her hands still caught above her head.
"I think I may have loved you, Lily," he chuckles, shaking his head in disbelief. "Thank you for curing me from that, Evans."
With that he lets go of her and is gone, leaving her in that classroom, alone and shivering from the sudden cold where his body had been only seconds before.
"Sirius," she repeats, more urging this time, but still sure he is just punishing her for pushing him into making his move. Walking slowly over to the door, she expects him to jump at her from the shadows, laughing and mocking her for believing he would leave her just like that. But no one is there. And she thinks that, maybe, she made a mistake.
"So, Prongsie, I didn't hear your lovey-dovey plans for our future Mrs. Potter," Sirius calls out cheeringly when he gets back to the dorm., "But I'm sure you'll be absolutely thrilled of spending all your future Hogsmeade Weekends at Madam Puddifoot's." Ignoring the strange looks Remus is throwing at him, he gives out a bottle of butterbeer to each of his friends. He had needed to clear his head after his encounter with Evans, so he figured he could get what he had set out for in the first place.
"Uhh, she's got more sense than that," James answers grimacing.
"Not that much, she's going out with you, after all."
They laugh, and Sirius is almost okay with that. Though a part of his mind still rattles whathaveyoudonewhathaveyoudone at him and his heart is still beating much too fast.
But while being the hardest thing he's ever done, he knows it was right to leave her there, to not give in. He is not right for her, just as she is not right for him, no matter how much he might have believed that. She needs stability, but he is not one to settle down. James, though, James is perfectly able to be responsible. And, of course, his love is honest.
Remus will hold him back later, demanding an explanation, but he doesn't mind. He already knows what he is going to answer: He made sure that his mistakes wouldn't get in the way of his chosen brother's happily ever after. And he got over that heartbreak that had so obviously been waiting for him.
Maybe, years from now, his regrets will be sweet, not bitter.
(But then they die, and what ever could be sweet about that? Because, he could have saved them. They could still be alive. And he could still be whole.)
AN: I've always wanted to write this pairing. So, tell me what you think!