Kurt Hummel was an idiot.
He should've seen the signs. He should've pulled his head out of his ass and seen what was happening right in front of him.
But no, he had been an obliviate fool and had probably ruined the best thing that had ever happened to him.
JUNE
It started with the stupid showcase that had also ripped them apart. Somehow, they had risen above and Kurt had thought they had come out of it stronger than ever. However, after it was all said and done, Blaine had sat down on their bed and blurted out what he had truly felt was the right thing to say.
"I want to drop out of NYADA."
Kurt had stopped his moisturizing routine long enough to stare at his boyfriend, "What are you talking about? The showcase went great, even June thought so."
Blaine sighed heavily, "I know, but it also made me realize that it's not what I want to do with my life."
"Blaine, honey, we've talked about this. It's just your insecurities talking." Kurt said, resuming his skin care routine. "It's just like when you first started out here. You're afraid and it's completely normal, but if tonight proved anything, is that you are destined to be on stage. You were brilliant up there; everyone thought so."
Blaine knew all that, he didn't want to sound pretentious or anything, but he knew he was good and that with enough hard work he could make a living out of it. But the cold hard truth was that he didn't want to do it anymore; he didn't want the stress, the fighting with Kurt; he didn't want any of it. He didn't want to jeopardize his relationship with Kurt, it was the one thing in his life he didn't want to mess up. Because the truth was that he still wasn't good enough for Kurt, or at least he didn't feel like he was, and he considered himself lucky to even have a shot with him again. If he stayed at NYADA any longer, they would have to go up against one another (again); and Blaine was afraid that their love could only survive so much. He firmly believed that the only way this relationship was going to work was if they weren't always in competition. Kurt deserved the spotlight; he was born for it, and Blaine just wanted to make sure that nothing stood in his way. Even if it meant giving up his dream; it didn't matter as long as Kurt had his dream and Blaine had his love.
And so he lied.
"It's not, Kurt. I hated every minute leading up to the showcase; all the stress and anticipation is not for me." Blaine shut his eyes as he heard Kurt re-enter the bedroom; now was the time for some of his acting skills. "Look, I tried; I really did. But NYADA just isn't for me."
"What are you saying?"
"I've been admitted to pre-law at Colombia, and I want to go."
"Pre-law, really? Is this about your father, Blaine?" Richard Anderson, district attorney in Colombus and Blaine's estranged father. Last Kurt had heard they still weren't on speaking terms, but he knew his fiancé was still seeking his father's approval, one way or another, and he believed that this was just another stunt.
"It's about me Kurt." He said, grabbing his lover's hand. "I'm not happy at NYADA. The stress, the constant competing, the classes; all of it. I thought I would love it, and it turns that I'm not cut out for show-business."
"You never said anything about that. Hell, you never said anything about applying to Colombia!" Kurt all-but yelled as he snatched his hands from Blaine's and stood up, angry that he had hidden so much from him. He thought that they were in this together; that they were going to make it side-by-side, and now Blaine was just giving it all up?!
"My father helped me get a later admission, I didn't say anything because I still wasn't completely sure of anything." He said calmly, hoping to calm Kurt down and to convince him that it was the right decision to make.
"What about me?" He knew how childish he sounded in that moment, but he simply couldn't help himself. Now that they were giving each other space, Kurt had discovered he quite enjoyed going to school with Blaine; it reminded him of their time at Dalton. They still fought from time to time, as every couple, but the good times were outweighing the bad ones and Kurt was afraid that this could break them.
"NYADA was always your dream, Kurt, and I know that you'll be a great performer. I just piggybacked on it for a while, now I need to go after my own dream."
Kurt sank back to the bed and let Blaine wrap his arms around and hold him tight.
"But, we were suppose to be in this together." He whimpered. How was he suppose to get through it all without Blaine by his side?
Blaine kissed his forehead and blinked back his tears, silently hoping that Kurt wouldn't notice. "I'm still here, love. I'll support you every step of the way; I'll be your biggest fan. I just… need to do this, for me."
"You've really thought this through?"
"Yes."
He sighed heavily, before turning around to face his lover. "I don't like it, but if it makes you happy, I'll learn to deal with it." Kurt said, pecking Blaine's lip with a smile. "You still moving back in though?"
"Of course." This time it would work, Blaine promised himself. Now that they would be going to different schools they wouldn't fight as much and it would all work just fine. They could co-habit normally like any other couple, without Rachel there would be more space in the loft and they wouldn't be on top of one another. It would work; Blaine was going to make sure of it.
Kurt was deeply asleep when Blaine slid out of the bed and padded over to the bathroom. He turned on the shower and sunk down to the floor, bawling like a child and hoping the running water would cover up his sobs. It hurt, to say goodbye to his childhood dream, to lie to his fiancé, to pretend to be someone he wasn't; but it was all for the best of their relationship.
The next morning, Blaine's red-rimmed and dark bagged eyes were the only proof of the crying sleepless night he had been through. He quickly assured Kurt that he was simply exhausted and that everything was fine; feeling guilty once again to have lied to his loved one.
That was the first sign; the first sign that Kurt should've picked up on. But he didn't. Instead he had accepted Blaine's excuse and had resumed his day-to-day activities as if nothing had changed.
Thinking back, he now knows why he hadn't picked up on his fiancé state-of-mind; because he was secretly glad. Kurt was secretly glad that Blaine was dropping out of NYADA, because it meant that he had one less competitor. No matter how much he wanted to do this thing with Blaine, he knew that the latter had talent that made him stand out (as proven by the showcase) and Kurt was extremely jealous of it all and he felt like a terrible person for it. He hated that he had become just like Rachel; success over relationship.
NOVEMBER
They had thought that things would get better now that they weren't always in each other's presence; they were wrong.
It would seem that living together was, once again, tearing them apart.
They would fight about anything and everything.
It was usually Kurt picking the fights, but on some rare occasions it was Blaine. Like when Kurt didn't make it home all night because he was out with NYADA friends and only waltzed in the morning as if it was no big deal. Blaine always tried to remain calm in those moments, but sometimes Kurt's non-caring attitude would push him over the edge and they would both start yelling.
"I just want to know where you are, is that really too much to ask?"
"Quit hovering and trying to tell me how to live my life for fuck's sake! You're not my dad Blaine, you're my fiancé!"
Blaine barked out a dry laugh, "Not like anyone would know; since you never wear the fucking ring I got you."
It was true, Kurt rarely wore the ring these days and it was one of their recurring argument.
"I don't need a ring to let people know I'm taken; I'm not the cheater in this relationship!"
All of the anger he felt had left Blaine's body as the words washed over him, he could see that Kurt was regretting the words he had just uttered; but it didn't matter anymore. It wasn't the first time that Kurt had put the cheating fiasco back in Blaine's face; and it hurt just as much every time he did it.
"Baby, I'm sorry I didn't mean- God, now I look like such a jerk! You just rile me up and I can't control what I say." He rubbed his face tiredly; it was way too early to have this kind of discussion.
"It's fine. I know." He pushed pas Kurt and headed towards the door. "I'm going for a run. There's coffee, the advils are in the medicine cabinet; second shelf."
"Blaine, don't leave. I said I was sorry."
"I know, but you need to rest and you can't do that with me here. It's fine, really. I'll just go for a quick run and pick up some greasy food for you when I come back." He said, pecking his boyfriend's lips before leaving the loft.
He would run until the tears stopped falling, silently wondering where he had gone wrong; how could he fix this? Then, he would pick up some of Kurt's favorite food and head back to the loft. Kurt would be waiting up for him, eyes still filled with tears. They would look at each other, start crying as they were apologizing and promising that it would never happen again.
But it would. And the circle would repeat itself.
It wasn't always like that; they were also a lot of happy moments. It was because of those happy moments that Kurt would overlook the obvious signs given to him.
JANUARY
The third obvious fact was when Rachel returned to New York from Los Angeles with her tail between her legs. It took only a few days for Blaine to realize that cohabiting the three of them together once more, would not work out well for anyone. They were back to stepping on each other's toe, plus Blaine often felt left out of their conversation. While yes, it had been his choice to quit NYADA, and yes, he was enjoying pre-law more than he thought he would; he still missed performing. And so, it hurt him when they would tell him something like "you wouldn't understand/know, you're not in NYADA". It hurt, because he felt like an outsider; he felt as though Rachel and Kurt were in a relationship instead of him; as horrifying as that image was.
And so, Blaine did what he thought he had to do to save his relationship.
"I think I should move out."
Kurt sat up abruptly on the couch, nearly tumbling to the floor. "What? No! We are not having this conversation another time!" It had been hard enough the first time, to admit that they couldn't make it work, that Kurt didn't want to relive the experience.
"Hear me out, please." Blaine started before taking a deep breath, he had been rehearsing this speech for days in his head. "Rachel obviously needs your help getting back on her feet and getting back into NYADA. I just feel like the loft is overcrowded right now, and it's not helping my studies. I can't keep getting woken at five in the morning by vocal exercises when I've spent the last two nights writing an essay."
"So, you want us to…" Kurt choked back the rest of his sentence. Blaine couldn't really want to break up, right? Obviously, things had been far from perfect, but they were working on it, no?
Blaine took in the trembling lip and watery eyes and quickly crushed him to his chest in a bear hug. "No, no! I can't possibly live without you, Kurt. You know that right?"
Kurt nodded in his chest as he clung to Blaine's shirt. "I just thought…"
Blaine shook his head, "No! I just think that it would be better for our situation right now. I'll be at my dorm during the week, and I'll come here for the weekends."
It was a foolproof plan at first glance, and for the first couple of weeks it worked perfectly; until life decided to get in the way.
What started as weekly visits, quickly turned into bi-weekly, to monthly visits; and that was finally when Kurt realized he had messed up, perhaps beyond repair.
APRIL
For the first time in his life, Kurt was actually glad that it was pouring rain and that he didn't have an umbrella with him. He was sure that if it wasn't raining, people would have seen him running around like a crazy man with tears streaming down his porcelain face.
All because, less than four hours ago, he had realized just how much of a crappy boyfriend he had been in the past couple of months.
If he was perfectly honest, however, he had started realizing it quite some time ago.
MARCH
"I can't believe he did this to me."
"Hello to you too, Kurt. It's lovely to see you." Said Elliott from his place on the couch, not in the least bit surprise to see his friend showing up unannounced.
Kurt grabbed a wineglass and poured himself a generous amount before joining Elliott on the couch. "We haven't seen each other in forever and now he just goes and cancels on me; the nerve!"
"I'm guessing this is about Blaine."
"Of course it's about Blaine!" It was always about Blaine, every time Kurt would storm into his apartment this way; it was to talk about Blaine
"Care to elaborate on the situation then?"
Kurt sighed, "We were suppose to have a date night, and Blaine cancelled. I mean, we haven't seen each other in weeks thanks to his busy schedule."
"And yours." Eliott pipped up.
"Yeah, but…"
"I mean, you have cancelled multiple dates, have you not?"
"Yes, but it's not the same." Kurt huffed, suddenly on the defensive. "I thought you were suppose to be on my side."
"I'm just pointing facts. How many dates have you cancelled in the last month?"
Kurt took a sip, counting in his head, "Four- no, five. But it's different, we got that gig once and then I had some dance extra-lessons and-"
"Please tell me you can hear yourself making up excuses."
"Fine. But I was really looking forward to tonight and he goes and texts me that a teacher sprung a surprise essay on them. He texts me, Elliott! He didn't even have the decency to call me to cancel so that I could hear his voice!"
"Probably because he knew that the minute he would hear your voice he would cave."
"You don't know that."
"Come on, Kurt! The man does everything for you; even if it's not a good move for him. If you'd ask him to rob a bank for you; he would. But recently, surely you've noticed just how… empty he seems or at least he did the last time I saw him."
"Empty?" No, Blaine didn't look empty. Every time they would see each other, the same look of happiness and love would appear in his eyes, as it had always had.
"God, how do I explain this? The second you look away, the light seems to fade from his eyes. He looks tired and emotionless, it's like the only thing that's keeping him going is you."
"Why would he pretend in front of me? He knows we can tell each other anything."
"In normal circumstances I would say that maybe he wants to break things off but doesn't know how to say it, but you guys are anything but normal. Plus, I'm 100% certain the boy is clearly still head over heels in love with you."
That conversation should have been the last clue before Kurt had decided to act.
APRIL
"You sure you okay kiddo?"
"Yeah, just tired I guess." He hadn't been sleeping well for the last couple of weeks, replaying the conversation with Elliott in his mind again and again. Was he missing something? "Have you talked to Blaine recently?
"Two weeks ago I think, why? Everything okay?"
"How did he sound?"
"I'm not sure I understand, did something happen? Cause I swear to god-"
"No, dad! Nothing like that… It's just Elliott mentioned that Blaine looked well…"
"Dull?"
Kurt closed his eyes slowly and took a deep breath; had everyone noticed, but him?
"Kurt?"
"Yeah, I'm still here."
"Look, I'm sure it's nothing. Maybe he's just having a hard time adjusting to school and everything. You ask for my opinion; I'm giving it to you. The poor boy honestly looks as if all the life has been sucked out of him."
Kurt choked back a sob as his dad confirmed what he had been fearing. "It was me, dad."
"You what?"
"I sucked out the life out of Blaine."
"I don't think I understand."
Kurt took a deep breath and continued, "I saw it… I could see that he was getting more… complacent and I did nothing. I would pick fights with him on purpose to see some emotions in his eyes… It's so stupid; I'm so stupid."
"Kurt…"
"No dad; I am. I've been so fixated on winning that I…"
"Winning what?"
"I don't know! Life, I guess! Just wanted to prove to all the Neanderthal of Lima that I could make something out of me, but I don't want to do it alone…" He finished in a whisper.
"Then, what are you waiting for?"
APRIL
The problem with Kurt's brilliant plan, if you could really call it a plan, was that he couldn't remember which building Blaine was actually living in and all the freaking building looked the same! At this point, he was so thoroughly drenched, that you couldn't even tell if he was crying of if it was just the rain pouring down his face.
"Kurt?"
The young man spun around and came face-to-face with a petite blonde with a bright turquoise umbrella.
"You're Kurt Hummel, right?'
"Eum… yes?" Was he suppose to know her? NYADA? Or maybe one of Blaine's friend?
"Thought so! You here to see Blaine?"
Friend of Blaine, then. Had they met before?
"Yeah… got lost though and my phone died after I dropped it in a puddle so…"
"No problem, follow me down the yellow brick road Dorothy and we'll find your wizard."
She looped her arm through his and pulled him… in the complete opposite direction of where he was heading.
"Congratulation, by the way."
"Huh?"
"For your role you got in the school production. Blaine's already got half of us signing a pledge that we'd buy tickets for the first showing."
As the words left her mouth, he felt the unintentional stab. Of course, Blaine was still the perfect boyfriend; always thinking of him, always supporting him.
"Are you in the same classes as Blaine?"
"Yup. Wow, guess I forgot to introduce myself; how rude of me!" She stopped and twirled around to come face-to-face with Kurt and held out her arm. "Eliza Smoak, pre-law student, pleasure to finally meet you."
Kurt shook her hand with a soft smile, "Kurt Hummel, NYADA student, but you somehow already knew that."
She gave a hearty laugh and looped her arm back through his, "Kind of hard not to know about you when you're friends with Blaine. I mean, the boy just goes on and on about you, sometimes I feel like I'm the one going out with you."
Ah, of course. Blaine talked about him all the time to his friends, while Kurt had a hard time wearing his engagement ring. Yet another blatant reminder that he was an inconsiderate boyfriend, he couldn't even remember the name of any of Blaine's friends!
Maybe this was a bad idea after all, Kurt suddenly felt uneasy about the whole situation. What exactly was he trying to accomplish by coming here? Was he really suppose to try and save their relationship? After all, maybe Blaine was better off without him; in a healthier relationship.
Lost in his thoughts, he hadn't even realized that they were inside until Eliza started banging loudly on the door.
"BBBBLLLLLAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEE."
"WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT. WOMAN?!" He yelled as he swung the door open, the look of anger immediately dissipating as he saw the young man. "Kurt!? What are you doing here?"
"Um… surprise?"
"Well my job is done here, have fuuunnn you two." She said with a suggestive wink.
"You're shaking and drenched Kurt, what were you doing out in the rain? You should have called me." He said, ushering him in.
"Dropped it in a puddle… Wanted to see you…" he murmured.
"All right, how about you go take a warm shower and I'll go grab some rice from the kitchen for your phone."
Blaine quickly moved around his room, while Kurt stayed frozen in the doorway. The younger man gently grabbed his arm and guided him to the adjoining bathroom and set out to remove the drenched clothes that were sticking to his body and hanging them to dry.
"I found a pair of your yoga pants and old shirt, I'll go get the rice for your phone and after you're all warm and cozy we'll get you home, okay?"
The surprise of seeing Kurt on his doorstep still hadn't dissipated by the time he returned to his single dorm room (thank god for dad's money). He had expected Kurt to still be in the shower, enjoying the warm water without having to worry about emptying the water heater.
Instead he found Kurt sitting cross-legged on his bed, wearing Blaine's well-worn Dalton sweatpants and hoodie. His head snapped up when he saw Blaine enter the room, and his baby blue eyes immediately filled up with tears.
The rice bag with the cellphone was dropped on the desk in a flash, as Blaine rushed to pull Kurt in his arms. The second he was in that warm familiar embrace, the waterworks broke and he started bawling like a child.
Blaine was still stunned and didn't quit understand what was happening at that moment, but he settled on rubbing his boyfriend's back and whispering sweet nothing in his ear. Until Kurt started mumbling something and all of Blaine's movement abruptly stopped.
"Elliott….. Break-up…."
Sensing that Blaine had stilled, Kurt gently pushed himself off his chest to stare into his mesmerizing honey colored eyes. Panic settled in his gut; maybe Elliott was right after all, and Blaine just wanted a clean break from their relationship.
"Then…. It's true?" Kurt asked timidly.
His voice seemed to snap Blaine out of the dark spiral of thoughts he was heading down. "What's true?" He croaked out, unwilling to truly believe what Kurt was saying.
"That you want to break up with me."
"What? No!" Blaine cried out, he lifted up Kurt's head and stared into the cerulean orbs. "Why would you ever think that? I love you, Kurt." He said softly.
"I know… but I'm a terrible boyfriend. Probably the worse one possible, and- and…" He muffled another sob, breaking out of Blaine's grasp.
"You're not. Why would you ever think that?"
Kurt pondered his answer as he was fiddling with the sleeves of the oversize Dalton hoodie. "Because I'm bad for you Blaine; I'm sucking the life out of you."
"What-"
"Let me finish, okay?"
Blaine nodded his head in approval, unable to form a single sentence as the dread took over his body.
"Let me start with: I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, Blaine. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I'm so scared that you'll end up hating me someday."
"That would never happen, Kurt-"
Kurt lifted his hand, interrupting Blaine once again. "It will if things continue, but I want to change things; I want to fix us. Don't say we don't need fixing; cause we do! I-I… I've been so concentrated on winning and trying to stand out at school to make something of myself that I drove you away. But I realised that… winning means nothing if you're not there with me at the end of it all."
"You didn't drive me away, Kurt. I just wanted to give you your space."
"I know…and at first I was grateful but then… Do you know we haven't seen each other in three weeks?! We live in the same city and we can't make time for each other."
"I know. It's my fault, I had to cancel our date last week. I know you were mad, but I really had no choice and-"
"It's okay, I shouldn't have been so mad anyways. Elliott made me see that. He also told me that you probably wanted your distance to break-up with me…"
Blaine shook his head, and closed his eyes tightly to prevent any tears from escaping his eyes. He thought he had done everything right for their relationship, but he had fucked it up and made Kurt cry again.
"I don't want us to break-up; I really, really don't. I'm sorry, Kurt. I'll do better, I swear!" Please don't leave me, please don't leave me.
Kurt shook his head slowly, "That's the thing though, Bee. You've been trying so hard that you forgot to be happy, and if you're not happy then I can't be either."
"I'm happy when I'm with you." Blaine chocked back, tears now falling freely.
"You need to be happy without me too."
"I don't want to be without you." Not after everything they had overcome, it couldn't end here, like this.
"Me neither, but we need to work on us if we want to make it. Otherwise, I'm just afraid we'll end up resenting and hating each other."
Kurt scooted closer to Blaine, and leaned back into his chest. Feeling secure and calmer in the warm familiar embrace, he finally felt ready to work through this.
And so they talked for hours, finally admitting what had been pilling up these last few months. Blaine was honest about the reason why he left NYADA, but also admitted that he loved pre-law and the perspective that he could help people get better lives. They talked about how Kurt provoked Blaine on purpose sometimes when they were living together, because he simply wanted his boyfriend to have some kind of life and emotion in his eyes. Kurt finally said that he wasn't ready to get married, but wanted very much to stay engaged to Blaine. And while it hurt Blaine a little, he understood and agreed, as long as Kurt kept the ring on so that everyone would know he was taken. They talked, they cried; until finally they had taken everything off their chest and were laying in a pile of limbs on Blaine's single dorm bed.
"I miss waking up in your arms." Said Kurt, breaking the silence.
"Me too, was the best part of my day."
Kurt sat up abruptly, "We should move in together."
"Kurt, we can't-"
"Yes, we can. I know we can make it work."
"But Rachel-"
"Is a big girl and can take care of herself."
Blaine let out a conflicted sigh, on one hand he did want to live with Kurt again; on the other one, he was scared as hell it was going to break them.
"Bushwick is really far from my school, Kurt."
Kurt nuzzled back into Blaine's embrace, "Which is why I think we should find a new place; one that'll be our own."
"I-eum…."
"Bee, I know you're scared and so am I. But I think if we're in this together then we can make it. I love you, you know."
He tightened his arms around his lover, "I love you too, so much."
"So is that a yes?"
He kissed the Kurt's forehead, "With you, always."
JUNE- FULL CIRCLE
"Kurt!? Have you seen my music notes bow-tie?"
"I think it's in the 'bedroom-3' box; with the other ones."
Blaine smiled as he moved carefully around the unpacked boxes until he reached the one he wanted. It had been two month since their heart-to-heart conversation, and while things weren't perfect; they were pretty damn great. They still fought, but so did every couple on the planet. At the end of the day, no matter how mad they were at each other, they still slept in the same bed and told the other they loved him.
The small apartment they had rented was halfway to both schools, and, while not as spacious as the loft had been, it was theirs. Blaine's father had accepted his son's decision to move out of the dorms and was even paying half the rent; as long as Blaine kept his grades up at Colombia.
When Blaine opened the box labelled 'bedroom-3' he immediately noticed that it wasn't the box with his bow-ties and he probably should've closed it immediately since it seemed to be the contents of Kurt's night table. However, curiosity got the better of him when he noticed a small black jewelry box with a crumple piece of paper next to it. He picked up the paper, unfolded it, and held back a gasp as he saw what was written on it.
Reasons to be with Blaine forever:
His kindness to all (he'll help so many)
His intellect (he's gonna be the best lawyer)
He makes me laugh, and comforts me when I'm sad
His smile when he sees me, the way his eyes light up
His incredible talent (#comewhatmay)
He still gives me butterflies when he looks at me
His incredibly good look (god he's hot)
The way he takes care of me and everyone he loves
His love for me
My love for him
Reasons not to be with Blaine forever:
It's scary but so worth it
Blaine's eyes teared up as he read the list again, he hadn't even opened the jewelry box, but he was certain to know what was in it.
"Babe, did you find it?" Kurt stopped dead in the doorway, noticing what Blaine was holding. "Shit! You weren't suppose to see that."
Blaine stood up, still clutching the list and the small box. "When did you do this?"
Kurt hesitate slightly, before stepping closer to Blaine. "About three months ago, when I thought I was losing you and couldn't bare to live my life without you."
"You were never going to lose me."
Kurt pried the box from his hands; his own engagement ring sparkling in the light.
"This isn't how I wanted to do it but," He got down on one knee as Blaine gasped, the latter finally realizing what was happening. "I love you, Blaine, more than anything or anyone I've ever loved, and it scares the shit out of me. I know you're itfor me Bee; there will never be anyone else who can love me the way you do, and whom I'll love back as much."
He opened the small box, to reveal a silver band similar to the one that Kurt had already on his finger, "I know we agreed to wait to get married, but I don't like the fact that you don't have anything on you to show people you're taken. So I'm asking you if you'll agree to wear this ring, to tell everyone that you are mine and to remind you that we will get married one day."
Blaine nodded, unable to form a coherent sentence, as Kurt finally put the silver band where it belonged.
Because if the last year had proven anything to them, it was that they belong together. And that no matter how much they drift apart, they will always complete a full circle and drift back to each other.