THOMAS
The tightness in my chest hasn't eased in hours. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe, though my head feels numb. Thoughts floating around in a void, shock settling into my bones until a moment of clarity jolts through me like electricity. My dad is dead. Jim Maddox, the invincible man, is no more.
The reality is like a punch in the gut, knocking the wind out of me. My head throbs, and I stumbled a bit, before regaining my footing. Liis puts her hand on my back, steadying me in more ways than with the physical connection. It is comforting to know I won't have to go through this alone.
My dad's sudden death feels so similar to my mother's. Even being decades older now than when my mom died, the news has sent me spiraling back into the same mindset. Pain and grief, of course, but more than that I feel the same overwhelming sensation that I have to keep it together for my brothers. That they need me to take care of them. But they aren't small children anymore. They have their lives and spouses. They don't need me to get them ready for school or clean them up or fuss over them. They are adults, and while I know they will still need me, it isn't the same as before. Still, the weight that had threatened to crush me at 11 years old feels like it's back and resting on my shoulders. My boys need me. No, my brothers need me.
I speed up as I make my way through the winding halls of the airport, knowing Liis will be able to keep up without looking back. We bypass baggage claim, having only brought checked bags, and quickly make our way towards the exits. I burst through the doors and then come to a dead stop. Liis bumps into my back, and I instinctively reach a hand back to steady her. I had completely forgotten to set up a ride to the hotel. I didn't know exactly when we would get in, and I didn't want one of my brothers to have to wait on me. Through all that I hadn't remembered to have a cab or an agent pick us up.
"Thomas? I got us a ride, Agent Wren is over there," Liis's soft voice breaks through my consternation. I look where she was pointing and spot Agent Wren, waving to us from a black SUV. I pull Liis into my side and whisper thanks against her hair. I keep my arm around her as we walk towards the car, feeling unable to release her.
Agent Wren offers condolences, and I nod and thank her appropriately, though my mind is a million miles away. The only thing that is keeping me tethered to reality is the feel of Liis next to me, her hands clasping mine as the car pulls away from the curb. The blaring of my cell phone interrupts the silence in the car, startling me, but my FBI training keeps me from physically reacting. My anxiety ratchets up as I fish the phone out of my pocket, fearing any more bad news. I don't even glance at the number before holding the phone to my ear.
"Hello," I answer, my voice sounding gruff. I clear my throat waiting for the person on the other line to speak. "Hello?" I say again after the silence continues. I can hear noise on the other end. Someone's uneven breathing. I pull the phone away from ear to check the number.
Travis.
My blood runs cold, and I have to fight to keep my tone calm as I speak, "Travis? Baby brother, talk to me." I can hear his breath catch through the line, and my heart squeezes in my chest, feeling his pain through the phone. "Trav…please," I half-whisper, the tightness in my chest nearly cutting off my air. I lean my head against the window, using my free hand to grasp my temple, fighting the headache beginning to form.
"Tommy…" Travis's quiet, gravelly voice comes through the phone.
"Yes, Trav, I'm here. Tell me what's going on."
"I just…Are you almost home?" Travis' voice is so low that I have to strain to hear him over the noise of the car. Liis scoots closer to me and puts her hand on my shoulder. I know she's there, but I feel detached from my body.
"I'm here, Trav. I'm in the car now. I should be at the hotel in-" I glance toward Agent Wren to get an approximate arrival time, "five minutes."
"Okay, good. I just…" Travis's voice trails off. He sniffs and takes a shaky breath. I give him a few seconds to compose himself, though the silence kills me. My mind keeps flashing back to memories of him as a toddler. Holding him as cried, climbing into bed with him when he had nightmares and me sleeping on his floor to keep watch over him when he was sick. Out of all his brother's, Travis was the one who had needed me the most after our mother died. The overly protective, paternal feeling that I feel towards all my brothers is the hardest to let go of with Travis.
"I don't know how to deal with this, Tommy," Travis sighs, his voice tight with pain and exhaustion.
My breath catches, and I have to take a second before answering, "I know, Trav. I know. I'll be there soon. Is Abby with you?"
"Yes, she's asleep. I didn't want to wake her. I'm sitting outside our room now."
"Okay, just stay put until I get there. Alright?"
"Alright…"
"It's going to be okay, Trav. We're going to get through this. All of us. Together."
"Uh huh," Travis murmurs, coughing to cover a sob. The need to comfort him becomes a physical ache in my stomach.
"Just hold on till I get there, kay?" I have to force the words out, Travis's shaky breaths causing my eyes to water. It's taking everything in me to keep the emotion at bay until I get to my family.
I can see the hotel from the street, and as much as it pains me, I end the conversation with Travis. "I'm going to stop at Travis's room for a bit," I say, turning to Liis. The sympathy in her eyes nearly undoes me. She runs her fingers from my shoulder down my arm rhythmically. "I'll check us in," she replies, cupping my face in her hand. I lean into her touch as her thumb smooths the tired skin under my right eye.
"I don't know what I would do without you," I murmur, holding her hand against me and closing my eyes.
"Good, because you're stuck with me," Liis murmurs back, and a small smile flits across my face before the heaviness overtakes it.
The car slows to a stop in front one of the sprawling hotel buildings and Liis and I pull apart. "You're already checked into your room. The room is 211, and the rest of your family should be in the same hotel block," Agent Wren says from the front seat, her voice neutral and calm. "Thank you, Agent Wren," I reply, trying to match her tone, but my voice sounds rough. I clear my throat and Liis takes over, thanking the agent and dismissing her.
I force myself not to spring from the car and help Liis and Wren get our bags from the trunk. Being a few feet from my brother's and needing to get to Travis is making me antsy. I accidentally use way more force than necessary pulling our bags out, slamming them against the ground before slamming shut the trunk of the SUV. Agent Wren nods in our direction, and the moment she pulls away, I grab both our bags and power walk towards the stairs of the hotel block, Liis following close behind.
I make my way down the long, open-air hall of the hotel block, wanting to drop the bags off as quickly as possible so that I can get to my brothers. I had texted them telling them of my arrival, but plan to have some time with Travis before meeting up with all of them. Honestly, I'm hoping they are getting some rest, before dealing with the funeral arrangements we'll all have to make in the morning. I turn the corner, my steps faltering when I take in the sight in the hallway.
Travis is sitting against the wall, legs pulled up towards his chest, elbows resting on his knees and his head in his hands. Pain and grief radiate off him. He looks so pale in the artificial lights, the tattoos decorating his arms seem even more prominent, stark black lines and shocking points of color against pale skin. The colors and shapes seem to swim in front of my eyes, and I have to blink a few times before the world realigns itself.
"Trav," my voice is barely above a whisper, but Travis's head shoots up as if I shouted.
"Tommy," he murmurs. His brown eyes glossed over and his bottom lip is trembling. He looks so young and vulnerable that my heart squeezes in my chest. I dropped the bags in my hands, reaching for him as I cross the few feet the separates us. I pull him up and then wrap both my arms around him, holding him tightly against me. His arms slowly come around me, and his thin control slips away as he leans down slightly to hide his face against my shoulder. His breath hitches and his shoulders shake as quiet sobs overtake his body. Silent tears slide down my face as I cup one hand behind his head gripping the back of his neck and rock him slightly as we stand. The same way I did when he was a kid. Old habits die hard.
After a moment, I feel a gentle hand on my back, bringing me back to the present. I turn my head to see Liis with both our bags, signaling to me that she's headed to the room. I can see all the unspoken words in her eyes, and I incline my head toward her, telling her silently that I'd be there as soon as I could and thanking her for giving me this moment with Travis. By the time, Liis has disappeared into one of the rooms down the hall, Travis starts to calm slightly. I keep my grip tight around him until he pulls back. His eyes are puffy and red, dark smudges and lines emphasizing his exhaustion. I keep one hand on his shoulder, unable to fully let him go just yet.
"This hurts like hell, Tommy," Travis's starts, looking at the ground. "I can't even begin to fathom it. I want to destroy something, but I know that won't help. I keep thinking that this must have been what you felt when Mom died. And you're the one that kept us all together after that. You were just a kid, and you raised me until Dad-" Travis words come out in a rush, cutting off abruptly at the thought of Dad. Even though I didn't need him to acknowledge my contribution after Mom died, especially not at a time like this, it feels good hearing him say it. I had felt like my world was ending when Mom died, but I had kept it together in front of my brother's. I'd cry alone at night and hid panic attacks that started after her death as I struggled to control four Maddox boys. The twins needed to be constantly watched, Trent was just starting Kindergarten, while Travis was just a baby, not even old enough to potty train yet.
While it killed me seeing the pain of grief and loss of that kind in Travis's eyes, I felt a little more understood. "I wouldn't change a thing, baby brother. Someone had to be there to clean your filthy ass."
Travis forces a strained smile, and I pull him in for another hug, pounding my fist on his back. "We're going to get through this, brother."
Travis sniffs and nods, leaning his weight onto me. "You need to sleep," I murmur, supporting him.
"Everyone's fucked up," Travis says his voice muffled against me.
"What?" I pull back to look at him.
"The twins look shell-shocked, and I had to help Taylor carry Trent from his car to the room. Trent wanted us to all stay at Dad's or split up between Dad's, Trent's, and my house, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't be in that house right now. And I wanted everyone to be together without being on top of each other. Abby suggested the hotel. Thankfully, everyone was too tired to argue, but Trent's pissed. He won't look at me."
Travis finally paused for breath, and I had to stop him from continuing. The information dump about the state of our family was too much for me to process. My hands started to tingle, as a familiar pins-and-needles feeling started in my legs. I needed to get Travis to bed fast; I didn't think I'd be able to hold myself together much longer. There was no way I was going to add to my brother's burden.
"Trent will come around or will kick his ass. Right now we need to be there for each other. That's…That's what Dad would want…That's what he did want."
"Fuck, Tommy. He's really gone…"
Hearing Travis say it made it real again. The shock of the awful truth, somehow easy to push away in these early hours after his death, was worse than being punched in the face. It felt like someone shoved a taser against the side of my head. He's dead. My Dad is dead.
A headache that had been building for hours suddenly blossomed behind my eyes in a sharp stab of pain, nearly blacking out my vision for a second. I cup my head in my free hand, rubbing the sides of my temples as the pain receded slightly, leaving behind a consistent ache. "Tommy, you okay?"
"I'm all right," I say, my voice coming out hoarse.
"Tommy-" Travis starts, but a door opening behind him cut off his words.
Abby stood in the doorway with red-rimmed eyes, looking exhausted as she leaned against the doorjamb. "I didn't know where you went. I was worried."
Travis turns away from and goes to hug Abby, "Sorry, Pidge. Thomas just got back in, and I needed some air."
The pain in Travis's eyes is reflected in Abby's, but she holds herself together, strong and discerning as usual. She greets me and supports Travis's weight as he leans against her. Her gray eyes are so sharp that I'm afraid she can see all that I'm holding back. How close I am to losing it. I nod in greeting to her, then incline my head toward Travis, "Make him get some sleep."
"I'll try," she responds and gently leads Travis back into the room. "Get some rest yourself."
The door shuts, and I'm left alone leaning against the metal railway, my right hand clutching it so hard my knuckles are white. The tightness in my chest doesn't let up, and I feel my chest constricting even more. Fine tremors start through my body; my head feels like an ice pick has been driven through it. I force myself away from the railing, my only though to make it to my room with Liis before I completely lose my shit. I feel in my pants pocket, grabbing the room key as I half stumble down the hall.
I lean against the wall as I scan the key and nearly fall through as I push it open.
"Thomas?" I hear Liis's faint voice as I stumble in, shutting the door behind me as I lean against, slowly sliding down to the floor. "Thomas?" Liis says again. I faintly recognize her footsteps as she comes to find me. "Oh my God, Thomas!"
She runs over to me and kneels down, I think she puts her hand on my shoulder, but I can't feel anything. My breaths started coming in short pants, the tingling in my hand's increases until they feel completely numb and useless at my sides. I lean forward, trying to get more blood to my brain, hoping to avoid passing out completely. Liis keeps saying my name; she tries to get me to look at her, leaning down to try and meet my eyes. Her pale, panicked face blurs in front of my eyes, the dizziness refusing to subside.
I try to tell her I'm okay, that this has happened before, but the words won't come out. My whole body feels like it's shutting down, but I push through the physical sensation. I know that I physically will recover. What I need to focus on is stopping the swirling thoughts in my head and getting my breathing under control. I fold completely in half until my forehead is on the floor. At some point, my hands moved from my sides to clutch at my chest, and I couldn't move them away if I tried, so I curl over them.
Liis has gone into Agent mode and is softly but firmly giving me directions. She tells me to focus on breathing, to focus on her and her voice, to focus on her hand rubbing circles on my back. I haven't had an anxiety attack this severe in years, the only one even coming close to this was when I had to give Travis the impossible ultimatum with no real choice. Liis had been there at that time too, comforting me when I collapsed under the weight I placed on my baby brother. That had been bad, but this felt like it was going to split me into a million pieces.
I started to breathe normally again, managing to take a few deep breaths and let the slide slowly and shakily through my lips. My jaw is clenched so hard it hurts, my head still pounds and I want to push my hands against my eye sockets in an attempt to hold my brain together. I can feel wetness sliding down my cheeks, but I can't feel the tears. As I start to regain some control, I glance up at Liis, blinking a few times until my vision clears. She gives me a soft smile and continues to instruct me on breathing, loosening my arms that have created a band around my chest, my fist clenching in the fabric of my shirt.
Once I have some feeling back in my hands, and the tingly sensation has stopped, reality hits me again, worse than a crushing blow. "My Dad is dead, Liis. He's actually gone," my voice sounds like gravel as I say the words that had been bouncing around my mind since the moment he died. Words that were obvious and that I'd already had to say out loud. Somehow, it still doesn't seem real. My mind appears to reject and accept it differently from one minute to the next making each reminder as painful as the first time.
"Thomas…" Liis sighed, scooting herself closer to me until she's practically on my lap. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her as close as I can against me, trying not to hold her too tight. Her arms wrap around me, one hand stroking along my back, the other gently runs through my hair at the back of my neck before squeezing the tense muscles there. I bury my face against her neck, breathing her in, comforted by the familiar smell and feel of her next to me. My throat feels tight, but once the first sob slips through there's nothing I can do to stop the sudden emotional release. My nerves feel raw and frayed after the full on anxiety attack and my time with Travis. I knew I'd be meeting with my brother's early tomorrow if not sometime tonight, so I need to get this out and be strong for them. Just like with Mom.
After I'm able to get ahold of myself, I give Liis some space to pull back from me. Just enough so that I can look at her, I'm not quite ready to release her. Her presence is grounding in a way that nothing else has ever been for me. The warmth and softness of her skin against mine is the only thing keeping me from spiraling into another black hole of grief and panic. She gently pulls back cupping my face in her hands and wiping away errant tears with her thumbs. She leans her forehead against mine, closing her eyes, just as my eyes flutter shut at the contact. I let out a shuttering breath, and we stay like that for an infinite moment.
Her soft lips press against mine, as gentle as a breeze. I lean forward into her, just as she pushes her lips harder against mine, my tongue probing until her mouth opens for me and I can deepen the kiss. My hand comes up to tangle in her hair, while my other pushes against the small of her back.
She breaks the kiss first, leaning up slightly to kiss each side of my tear stained face, the corner of my mouth, and the edge of my jaw. I shut my eyes and clench my teeth together as my eyes fill with tears again. The intimacy of the gesture and the empathy I can feel radiating from her is overwhelming. She can't take my pain, but she is sharing it. I know Liis loves me, despite how hard it is for her to say it at times, but her actions speak of a love so deep that I didn't think I'd ever have with another person outside of my family. I can see why losing my Mom had destroyed my Dad for so long, how he never really recovered even after he sobered up for all of us. I can't imagine losing Liis or what I have with her. It would kill me.
Liis gently presses her mouth to mine, and my bottom lip trembles, a muscle jumps in my jaw as I clench it, trying to retain composure. Liis knows when to pull back though, and gently slides away from me, slowly helping me up as she stands. Her FBI training makes her surprising strong, and she's able to support most of my weight as I find my footing. She puts my arm around her shoulder, and I lean into her, trying not to put my full weight onto her smaller frame.
"Are you dizzy?" Liis asks, keeping her voice low. She can always tell when I had a migraine, something that happens due to stress more often than I'd ever admit.
I wait a few seconds to respond, concentrating through the painful haze in my head. My vision is clear, but even having my eyes open felt like driving spikes into my head. "No, my head just fucking kills," I respond, trying not to slur my words.
"Can you make it to the bed?"
I nod. The bed is only about 10 feet away, but getting there still feels like agony. I lean heavily on Liis, as she practically drags me to the bed before plopping me on it. Luckily, Liis hasn't turned on any of the lights in the room, except for the bathroom light which spills out from the doorway. I winced as we walked past it and the moment I'm on the bed, Liis runs to turn it off. I lean back against the pillows, shutting my eyes and trying to stay as still as possible. Liis shuffles around the room, closing curtains and rummaging through our bags for meds.
I hear the sink running, before she comes over to me, touching my arm and placing two large pills into my palm. I prop myself up on my elbow, popping the pills in my mouth and accepting the glass of water to swallow them. Liis takes the glass from me placing it on the side table, as I fall back against the pillows.
A loud ping breaks the silence, and I bite back a groan as the sound reverberates through my aching skull. Liis reaches into my pocket, grabbing my phone before I can even place noise as an incoming text message. I'm working on the strength to grab my phone when Liis speaks, "It's Taylor. He says that he and Tyler want to meet up with you, Travis, and Trent." She keeps her voice low.
I'm still processing the words when the ping sounds again, a soft moan escapes my lips and Liis swears, switching the phone to silent. "They aren't sure if Trent will come, but they want to go get him. Just for an hour or so. They want Shep to be there too."
I'm grateful for Liis relaying information; she knows that I wouldn't be able to ignore my family no matter what state I'm in. I'm trying to think of how I'm going to function in the next few minutes to meet with my brother's when Liis speaks again, "I'm going to tell them to wait until morning. You're in no shape to go out there."
I open my mouth to protest, but Liis cuts me off before I start. "Don't even try. I'll tell them it's me texting. That I want you to get some sleep and they should too or something like that. I'll be gentle, and I'll watch your phone while you rest. If anything changes I'll wake you. I promise."
I want to tell her that's not necessary, but I can't even convince myself of that. Even if the pills dull the ache in my head, sleep is the only thing that helps with a migraine this intense. I hear the sound of Liis typing and the soft vibration of the phone as she receives the response. While she sits at the end of the bed, she slips my shoes and socks off. I'm still wearing the same clothes I wore during our meeting with the FBI director, minus the tie and jacket. The stiff slacks and white button down shirt are uncomfortable, but there's no way I could find my favorite sweatpants and t-shirt in the dark right now.
However, Liis is a step ahead and sits my clothes next to me as she unbuttons my shirt and undoes my pants. I feel like a helpless child and the feeling grates on my pride. The pills have started to work, and I can move my head a bit without pain, so I slowly pull myself up, helping Liis remove my clothes and sliding on the significantly more comfortable pajamas. When I lay back down, I feel a strange sense of peace as heaviness overtakes my tired limbs. I close my eyes and let my body melt into the mattress. Liis pulls a blanket over me, and I feel the bed shift as she climbs in next to me. She scoots, so she's pressed against my side, her fingers tracing invisible patterns on my chests. I sigh contentedly and let myself surrender to sleep.