Chapter One

You're born, you live, and then eventually you die. There aren't any alternatives, no other options. When you're time has come you are taken from this earth, this incarnation, this life. There's no one saying well maybe we will give you a break you can live for another 150 years enjoy! Death is like a gigantic storm cloud, it's always looming over head ready to rain on you when you are most vulnerable. There really is no silver lining to death.

So excuse me for not seeing the point to life right now. I don't want to get out of bed, I want to stay here warm and safe, pretending that bad things haven't happen and don't happened. That you haven't gone and left me here with my storm cloud threatening. I'm scared that if I don't think about you, everyday, I will forget you, that I won't remember what you look like, how you teased me, protected me, loved me.

Renee comes in every morning and opens my curtains but I can't stand the sun, not now, the heat is enough. I miss my apartment with the air conditioner and Alice. Renee keeps telling me she knows that it's hard but I have to try and get up and move on. To accept and not forget.

In the first couple of days we were like polar opposites. She was a mess; she constantly had a tissue in her hand ready for the next batch of tears already flooding her eyes. I was stoic, silent. I didn't cry. It was like an outer body experience, my body went through all the actions of hugging people and comforting them and handing them fresh tissues. But I felt nothing, I felt empty, hollow. That was until the day of the funeral and now, now I feel everything.

The day of the funeral everything crashed down on top of me all at once and I couldn't breathe, couldn't see through the tears. I got light headed and dizzy and about then was when I fainted. I woke up on the floor of the bathroom with my head throbbing and out of breath. As I sat on the floor I thought back over our last conversation, I remember each detail of it down to the part where I told you to be careful before you left. I went over it twenty times before I can breathe properly.

My alarm goes off at 6am. I whack it to stop the beeping and turn on my I-pod to listen to some music before I get up. As I lay there I start thinking over what I need to do in the next hour or so. Like get up, make sure I packed everything to take back home, and so much else, but it's hurting my head to think. I need painkillers, well I need to get up anyway. I pick up my glass from my bedside table and trudge into the kitchen to rummage through the cupboards. Phil's at the table reading the paper, with a coffee and cereal, He looks up as I come in,

"Morning Bella, You're up early."

"Yeah, flying back home this morning and it's gonna take me a bit to pack my stuff up"

"Ok. Well your mums in bed still, you want some breakfast, I can make you pancakes or bacon and eggs?"

"Still a vegetarian Phil, but no I'm good. I might just go have a shower and then finish packing. Hay where's the aspirin?" I've been looking through the cupboard where all the first aid stuff is kept and can't find anything, but an empty box. If we are out this headache is going to add to my already glorious day.

Phil looks a little guilty. "Oh well I had a sore back after training last night and I kind of took the last two, Sorry Bells. Sore head again?"

I sighed defeated, looks like it's going to be a very long day. The stupid heat is not going to help me. I decide I shouldn't take it out on Phil how was he to know, "Yeah"

"You should go see your doctor, if it continues Bells, these migraines aren't doing you any good, and maybe they can give you something stronger?"

"Yeah maybe, I'm just going to have my shower"

"Bella is that you?"

"Yeah Alice, come give me a hand will you?"

"Sure thing" Alice dances to my side. She's a professional dancer and her life is like one big show, she's always gracefully flitting around the place, that's how much she loves it. Can't help herself I guess. She gives me a huge hug, I almost drop my guard, I almost breakdown right there in our hallway, almost. Instead I stick with something easier.

"I have missed you so much, I was so sick of Florida"

She laughs "Oh Bella, Silly I missed you much more, it's so lonely here, and Jacob never wants to keep me company, just mopes around because he misses you."

Now I can't help but laugh, it feels weird and I stop almost as soon as I start. "Where is Jacob?"

"Around here somewhere, last I saw he was in the kitchen eating." Figures.

I get the rest of my boxes and suitcases out of the hall and dump them by the couch to put away later and head towards the kitchen, which is pretty much at the other end of the apartment. "Jacob . . . Jacob?"

I hear his feet on the wooden Floorboards before I see him, he's running full on towards me. Shit! I side step him at last minute so I don't get bowled over. He missed me which confused him but he's turning round and charging at me again,

"Good boy, Jake, Sit"

He stops short of me and sits, although it looks really weird, his tail is wagging so much his whole bum is moving so he can't really sit properly. He's such a loyal dog, I realize I really have missed him.

When I moved here, Charlie brought him for me, as a going away present, I think it was more of an "I don't like that city so I'm gonna give you some form of protection you can't refuse." He was right, I couldn't refuse him. He's a Siberian husky, one of the kinds of dogs that look awful close to wolves. He has the most gorgeous coloured coat all browns, kind of like a rust colour. One of my favourite things about him is his eyes, he has one brown and one the clearest blue almost white. He's one of my best friends. Alice walks past us, heading to the kitchen, it's then I smell food. She's cooking me dinner.

"Stupid mutt, never listens to me, you hungry Bella?"

It's about then I realise I haven't actually eaten all day. I follow Alice into the Kitchen to see what it is she's cooking, veggie burgers, they smell so good. Alice has been a vegetarian for as long as I can remember, never eaten meat, I have been on the wagon for about a year. It's nowhere near as hard as what I thought it would be, especially with the food that Alice cooks.

"I'm Starving, I could eat a horse."

She turns and looks at me, something between a frown and a smile playing on her face. "What" I say, "I'm kidding."

I walk back to the living room to flick on the TV and to start having a look through some of the boxes I had to bring back with me. The news is on, boring. I lift the flap of one box and drag it over to the sofa and sit down. Sitting on top is a framed picture I found in Charlie's room and took before anyone noticed. It was taken the day he gave me Jacob. We were sitting on the front steps and Alice was holding the camera. Charlie always looks the most handsome, when he's not thinking about posing for a picture. He's laughing at Jacob, with his arm around my shoulder. I'm laughing at both of them. Jake had Charlie wrapped around his paw, figuratively. I walk to my room and put the picture on my bedside table. "Love you Charlie".

Alice is now in the lounge with a burger on a plate in one hand and a photo album in the other, with a smirk playing on her lips. She looks at me when I walk in.

"Dinner is served, uhm ... who's the hottie in the photo?"

"Which one" She points out the guy in a penguin suit who is sitting at a table with his wife on one side and Charlie on the other. I remember that photo well, I took it after all.

"Some mega rich guy. Remember he's the one who donated to Dad's work because they found his son or something."

"That's right ... Not bad, for an older guy, did you ever meet his son?"

"Nope" She looks at me and then at the burger on the coffee table and then back at me, I stick my tongue out at her but grab my burger and start eating. It's delicious, of course. Alice keeps looking through the photo album, while I watch Jake, who has sat himself at my feet hoping to share some burger. Normally I might give him some but my empty stomach is enjoying being filled with hot food. The news is still on T.V, it's so much effort to change channel ... I'll just keep eating. Jake nudges my leg, stupid dog just wait.

"So. . . ." Alice interrupts my thinking. She waits for me to say something, I know what's coming, she's so easy to read sometimes, but decide to play dumb.

"What?"

"How is he?"

"Who?"

"You know"

"No Alice I don't know"

"Bella, stop it. Did you two talk?"

"Yes we did" She watches me, waiting for me to say more. She is waiting for me to tell her that I broke it off with Mike Newton that I walked away from our two year relationship because he didn't treat me well enough. I sigh and give in, I hate silence, and the news isn't doing much to help with that, Alice turnt it down.

"I broke up with him the day after you left. He was really upset. I told him I'm sorry but I couldn't keep pretending that we were ok, we were definitely not. I said I needed to move on and so did he. I kissed him on the cheek and then walked away. Happy?"

She is concentrating on my face looking for any form of emotion. There won't be any, I'm not sad I broke up with him. He deserved better than me anyway.

"I'm not happy he's hurting. But I am glad that you can finally move on from him. He was a jerk. You will find the right guy."

"You know Alice, everyone keeps telling me that the right guy will show up, I'm beginning to think mine got hit by a bus, or that he lives in like Antarctica." She suppresses a laugh."I'm gonna go to bed, I'll see you in the morning, come on Jake."

"Ok see you in the morning, Night mutt."

Jake walks past her and whacks her with his tail, If I didn't know any better I would say that he actually understood her, and was smart enough to get at her.

My room hasn't changed since I left, I half expected Alice to get in here and paint it like she's been wanting to for months now. Admittedly it's a morbid sort of room. My walls are grey, I haven't hung much on the walls because I had left a lot of my stuff at Charlie's, until it could be freighted here. He hadn't minded. I have a desk where I keep my laptop and some photo's, my Huge bed which when Jake sleeps on it I generally get a third of, and my bedside tables. It's not much, I'm a strong believer in less is more. I can't even be bothered getting changed, I climb under the covers of my bed and am asleep within five minutes, I don't even feel Jake jump on the bed. As soon as I'm asleep I'm dreaming . . . again.