50 Shades of Grain: The Fanfic
By: Michelle Obama Harry
The sun sets as Harry sits in a Panda Express, surrounding himself with every rice dish on the menu. He chows down, not considering the stomach ache he would get the next morning. The wait staff looks at him in disgust. He flips them off with large Yaoi hands and an assload of conviction. He gazes lovingly down at his bowls. "3 down, 12 to go". After 3 hours beyond the store's closing time, his light snack is finished. Harry rises up from his chair, carefully stepping over the pile of the staff's bodies and making his way to the exit. He decides to set his car on fire, and promptly walks home to burn off some calories. "Haha," he thinks, "get it? burn?" He sighs in a slightly melancholy fashion. He will miss that car. He didn't want to lose the vehicle, but the Dark Lord wants what he wants. His stomach groans out of discontent. He ignores the noise. The meal cost $45.67, but it was worth it. Anything for the grain, as he keeps saying to random homeless people who chase after him with knives and broken bottles. He arrives at his apartment, and stares lovingly at all of his rice erotica posted on the walls. After getting lost in a fantasy involving the very sexual pictures, Harry lies down on his rice-filled mattress. He sleeps alone that night, but not lonely in the embrace of his grainy lover. He awakes abruptly to a loud thump at the foot of his bed. He looks around, curious about the noise, thinking he can pinpoint the noise in complete darkness. "Hello?" He says, thinking about how that's exactly what people in horror movies say before they die. "Hello, Harry." A voice erupts from the darkness, vibrating through his bones and into his heart and conjoined stomach. The sound of a lighter clicks, and the figure begins lighting Harry's patented Ricense, which is a clever combination of Rice and Incense. With the mood lighting and sensual smoke, Harry can see the outline of the figure. Is it? Could it be? How could the Dark Lord Graintan be here in his room? The thoughts melted away as Graintan floated like the Ricense smoke over to his bed. The warmth of his body radiated onto Harry's legs, and Graintan slowly rolled on his side closer to Harry. "I've always dreamed of the night you'd be here, oh Lor-" Graintan threw his head into Harry's lips, effectively shushing him. Harry couldn't believe how an action with such force could be so… soft. "No formalities here. Call me Gray Shwingshwong." Graintan pulled his head upward to meet Harry's lips with his rough textured mouth. The two pulled each other closer with a passion Harry never could have matched with that Instant Rice crap. As soon as they pulled away, Harry had a devilish smile on his face. "Like I said, I've always hoped you'd come. In fact, I've prepared for this very day." Harry reached towards his dresser and retrieved a mysterious bottle. Shwingshwong could barely make out the words. "How did you know about my soy sauce fetish?" Harry blushed. "I've watched you every day in your bedroom. You always brought new girls into your room while giving no thought or gaze towards me." Grey was humbled. Yet, his blank face looked up at Harry as his voice emanated, "Well, I'm here now. So, you know how to use that thing?" He stared at the soy sauce, evidently excited. Harry opened the bottle, showing equal intrigue. He poured the sauce all over the two, while they groaned in pleasure. The salt seeped into their pores and produced an enjoyable burning sensation. Harry leaned forward to kiss Graintan, but the Dark Grain had other ideas. He flipped, pinning Harry onto the mattress. "Taking the Panda Express lane, huh?" Harry said with a wink. Shwingshwong froze. No one made a sound, hearing only a mixture of soy sauce and tears fall to the ground. "Never speak of that horrible place again." said Graintan with stern conviction. Harry was shocked, but more shocked was he when Shwingshwong spoke again. "It was a rainy tuesday. I was trapped in the fryer of that damn restaurant. People thought my hometown was hell, but this place was the true place of the tortured souls. Eventually, a miracle struck me. Before being served as a meal, the waiter dropped my dish. Rice scattered everywhere. The waiter, in panic, pulled out a semi-automatic rifle from his loincloth. He gunned everyone down: my friends, family, and lovers were splattered across the acrylic tile as I ran. Never looking back, I found the only place I knew would accept someone like me: Hell." Both boys were in tears, and the Ricense was burning out. Harry whispered, "Can we still do the diddly-doo?". Graintan sobbed, "Harry, we can't! That's anatomically impossible." Harry chuckled. "Not with that attitude, we can't." And with that, Harry picked his lover up. Without a second thought, he shoved Shwingshwong into his abdomen, spraying his soy sauce blood all over the sheets. As soon as Graintain came in contact with Harry's stomach, the Dark Lord began dissolving. He began crying tears of joy, "I never thought we would be together forever, nor did I know it would feel this good." Harry looked lovingly upon the grain, and stroked his head as he disappeared into Harry's stomach. Harry collapsed on his bed. " After all those meals of rice, I finally know what it means to be...full."
Fin