It's when she kisses him in Neverland that he knows.
Her fingers curling into his leather coat, pulling him toward her. He'd asked for this yes, teased her about it, never really expecting her to go through with it. The flirtations between them are a game, one he's very talented at playing. In the hundreds of years since Milah he's played this game with more women than he cares to remember. Emma is beautiful, yes. She fascinates him. But it's still just a game between them.
Then she kisses him and he knows.
He's in love with her.
He's not entirely certain how it happened. Sure, he's liked her well enough from the moment they met. She's certainly gorgeous. Tougher than most of his former crew. But he's not supposed to fall in love with her. Captain Hook doesn't fall in love.
He's terrified. She turns her back to him, tells him to wait five minutes, and he can't move. He's terrified because he thought this part of himself dead and gone. He's terrified because suddenly this other person's desires matter more to him than his own. He's terrified because he doesn't exactly have the best track record when it comes to love.
His heart is racing and he feels lightheaded. He's terrified yes, but something else is there as well. Something almost like joy. Now he has a reason. Now he has something to fight for. Now his unnaturally long life makes sense. It was all to find her.
Then Pan steps out from the jungle and tells him Baelfire is alive, and he doesn't know what to do. He can't tell her, can he? With Bae gone maybe he stands a chance. But he knows how it weighs on her, she really is an open book. He can see the strain of it around her eyes. Maybe she really is beginning to see him for the man he was, before Liam, before Milah. Maybe Baelfire's presence won't change everything. It doesn't matter what he wants. He loves her. He has to help her.
He doesn't stand a chance.
They're trudging toward Baelfie, or Neal or whatever name he's going by now. (There really is nothing worse than land travel). He sees her face when her mother lets slip that Bae is alive, that they're planning on rescuing him. He sees the emotion there. He doesn't know the whole history between them, doesn't quite understand how Baelfire could leave her, but he knows her feelings for this other man run deep. He can't compete. He's nothing but a pirate.
He realizes where they're headed, realizes well before they arrive. He feels the panic knotted in his stomach. The Echo Cave. He knows his secret. He knows what he'll have to confess. He has no idea how he'll get the words out.
He loves her. He never thought it would be possible for him to love someone again, but here he is, in love with this woman. He feels it down to his bones. His only consolation was that no one knew. He saw her face when she learned Neal was alive and he knew he could never tell her. How ridiculous it seemed, how laughable. A pirate in love with a savior, a princess. Her father was right, he knew he was no good for her. But it felt possible while Neal was gone. He had hope.
They stop at the entrance to the Cave. His heart is pounding. He can't tell her. He explains how the caves work, his mind racing to find another option. He can't tell her. As long as she doesn't know it's not real. He's not the fool whose fallen in love with a woman he can never have. She can't laugh in his face and reject him if she doesn't know how hard he's fallen.
And then they're inside, standing on the edge of the abyss. And they're shuffling their feet in the dirt and Neal shouts her name with such affection. His heart breaks. He knows what has to be done.
He turns toward her parents, can't risk looking her way just yet.
"I kissed Emma" he says, staring at his shoes. Her father is not pleased. She's already told her mother, which doubles the lump in his throat, gives him a kind of strangled hope.
"How is that your darkest secret?"
"It's what the kiss exposed." They're all looking at him now. He can feel their eyes on him, and Neal's burning into his back. He knows he is an idiot. He chooses his words carefully. Picking just the right combination to reveal as little as possible of himself. To save some face.
"I never thought I'd be capable of letting go of my first love, my Milah, to believe that I could find someone else. That is, until I met you." His voice is quiet, he's looking into her eyes and for once he can't read what's there, though he wishes with every fibre of his being that he could. She stares back at him, mouth agape. He wants her to speak, but he can't bear to hear what she might say. Her silence is almost welcome. The cave rumbles, a bridge begins to form out of the air. His part is played.
He nods to her father, knowing his secret is treacherous too. He feels hollow. They will rescue Neal, they will get Henry, and they will leave this bloody island. He wants to run. He resolves himself to get them back to Storybrooke and then to leave. Take the Jolly and just go.
He knows he is lying to himself. He'll never be able to leave her.
The bridge is complete and she stepping around him to cross it. She walks toward her lover, the father of her son, keeping her back to him. He watches her go, his love, to the arms of another man. But she was never his, he is careful to remind himself.
As the cage's bars disintegrate they embrace. He tells himself to look away. Not to torture himself. But he can't. He didn't say the words. That, at least, consoles him. He didn't say it outright. That saves his dignity somewhat. Helps his wounded pride.
He doesn't intend to spy on them. Or maybe he does. His jealousy is intense and ridiculous. Her back is to him, he can't read her face. Bae is speaking, the weight of their history hovering between them.
"I'll never stop fighting for you, not ever."
From a safe distance, concealed by the jungle, he hangs his head.
One thought relentless in his mind: I love you.
One thought followed by a second: but it doesn't matter.
He tells her he'll win her heart. Tells her it won't be about tricks, that she'll want him. He can't imagine the sensation of being wanted by this woman, this woman he loves. He can't imagine it, but he craves it with every bone in his body. He tells her he'll win her heart, but he doesn't really believe it's possible. He knows who he is.
But he will get her off this island. He will help her save her son. He will get her home to her family and her life. After that, he has no idea.
She's saying goodbye to her parents. Her yellow bug parked just at the town line. The Crocodile is dead, he should feel happy. Satisfied. But he doesn't. He can't breathe. He feels like he's drowning, like his lungs are filling with sea water. He remembers the moment Milah crumpled in his arms, remembers the feel of her fingers on his cheek. He considers begging. Pleading with her, or with God, not to leave him. He hasn't been a believer in prayer for a very long time, but he would beg every God whose name he knows if it meant he could stay with her.
She's walking toward Neal. He feels the tears push up through his throat, the moisture behind his eyes. He is humiliated. Captain Hook brought to his knees. He takes a deep breath to steady himself. He bites down hard on his cheek, chokes down the emotion.
She's going to leave without saying goodbye to him. He should let her. But he can't. He steps forward. He makes a joke. He doesn't want his last moment with her to be tainted with unrequited love. He wants to memorize her face, her eyes. He wants to commit her every feature to memory. He will spend the rest of his life dreaming of her face. Dreaming of that moment in the jungle.
There are tears on her lashes. He knows they are not for him.
"There's not a day will go by I won't think of you." He tells her, and he knows it is true.
She's so close. So close and still an impossible distance away. It takes every ounce of willpower left in his body not to reach for her. A tiny smile curls the corners of her mouth.
"Good." she answers.
He can't help the grin the pulls at his lips. For a split second he feels something like hope again. But it doesn't matter. In a few moments she'll be gone.
He has to back away. He can feel the tears threatening to escape. He turns his back to her, takes a few steps toward the townspeople assembled behind them. He can't swallow. He can barely breathe. Walking away from her feels wrong, but he forces himself to do it. He sees her parents embracing, the bloody magical cloud curling its way toward them.
And then Regina is revealing the true horror of this curse. In a few moments she will forget, he will have never existed to her. Somehow the idea of her forgetting makes him feel like he will cease to exist. His life now somehow feels dependent upon her. Without her where will he go? Who will he be? He feels like he is only alive in her green eyes.
A terror unlike anything he has ever know wraps itself around him.
She gets into her car, Henry climbs into the passenger seat. The engine starts. They drive straight ahead, away from him. He has to look away. Instead he watches as the curse's cloud barrels down upon them, erasing every hope his rotten heart had prayed for.
One thought relentless in his mind: I love you.
One thought followed by a second: but it doesn't matter.