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Teyla's Guide to understanding Earth's people

"So, you're an alien too?"

First thing: don't panic

You're not the only one confounded by these 'Earthlings'

Filed under 'TV'

A 'TV' is a box which sits in the corner of most rooms on Earth. People watch it for entertainment value. There are many 'shows' and 'channels'. It's a bit like the theatre crossed with a laptop. With adverts.

Adverts: just ignore them. I have no idea what 'car insurance' is, or why everyone on earth is 'suing' each other.

Any references to Captain Kirk, Spook and Dr McCoy are to be ignored and filed under 'nonsense'. These people are NOT REAL.

Captain Pickard is also fictitious.

Star Wars is NOT about Earth's past. It's a lovely story based on events in a Galaxy far, far away.

Jeopardy and Double Jeopardy: not as exciting as you would think.

Filed under 'Earth Men'

'Cosmopolitan' is an invaluable resource. Go get a copy from the infirmary waiting area right now.

Men, from any planet, are incapable of not looking at your breasts. Like with men here, this does not mean he wants to make babies with you. It simply means he's awake.

Earth men are unusually bad at talking about their feelings. The military contingent is even worse. Learn to read in-between the lines and with some, you'll have to write the lines first.

'Pardon my French' does not mean that he can actually speak French. It means "sorry I just swore in front of a woman". Because, naturally women being the fairer sex, have never cursed in they lives. What complete and utter…. French.

Crying: using this tool to get what you want never gets old. It worked on your father; it'll work on your boyfriend. Or team leader. More so if he's from Earth as he hates talking about feeling. Even if they're not his own. Fool.

Filed under 'team'

Not all orders are to be followed. Sometime you team leader makes a foolish decision which he believes is in everyone's best interest. He forgets that him still breathing is also in everyone's best interest.

Ear plugs are a blessing. Get yourself some right now! Selective hearing is also useful, however if you're a woman you'll already have mastered this.

The concept of 'Shotgun' is marvellous. The basic principle is that you shout "shotgun", before anyone else and then you get to sit in the co-pilots chair. Genius.

Get used to being confused if you're on a gate team. Your team mates will use thousands of 'pop-culture' references that you won't understand.

If there is someone on your team from any earth country that is NOT America, you will probably find an ally. They will know some, but not all of the 'pop-culture' references and will, hopefully, explain some to you.

Filed under 'General survival'

The eyebrow. If you have no idea what your earth friends are talking about, but don't want to look stupid, raise your eyebrow. Never fails.

Don't ask about religion. Seriously it's just not worth the hassle. Earth has many, many, many beliefs. You will be forced to listen to them telling you why theirs is the one true religion and why the others are not. The fact that other galaxies and plants have religions too has apparently escaped them.

Chocolate is clearly a gift from the Ancestors. If you've not tried it yet, go find some NOW. Then find me and tell me where the stash is.

RONON'S ADDENDUM:

1) Mashed potatoes. Nuff said.

Brought to you by

Teyla Emmagen

and Sp Ronon Dex