Okay today I was kind of bored and had nothing to do, so I listened to some music and damn that can be inspiring! So I'm sorry to say that this is a songfic, I know a lot of people don't like those… but when you're bored ,you're bored ;) Anyway, it's just a one-shot so don't panic.
My apologies in advance for typos.
Disclaimer : I don't own the story or any of the characters.
.I watched from my window, always felt I was outside looking in.
I watched him walk away through my window. We hadn't had a fight... you can't really fight the way you normally do when it comes to Ranger. But something was definitely wrong between us. I'd helped him out with an easy distraction job, but when we got back to my apartment Ranger had kissed me again. At first I was caught in the moment, as usual, but suddenly something had snapped inside me. I started asking the questions I asked myself everyday and had tried to ask him so many times before. What did he mean by all this? What did he really want from me? And as usual he tried to avoid the subject by joking. Most of the times I accepted the joking and the excused he came up with, thinking that that's just the way he is, but this time it hurt. I was tired of him never letting me in on anything... who was the man behind the mask? Who was the man behind the dangerous business man Ranger?
You were always the mysterious one with dark eyes and careless hair.
You were fashionably sensitive but too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with noting to way.
He always kept his mysterious façade on when I was around. The few times he actually let his guard down and showed some emotions, I could see small fragments of a very tired mans life, he's been through and seen more things than I could ever dream about. The small glimpses only left me wanting more, I wanted to know more about him, not the man of mystery... I already knew that guy.
But he is a very good man and has helped me out in more ways than I can possibly thank him for and I do believe that he cares for me on some level. Only problem is that I don't know if he truly cares about me in the way that I want him to care for me.
I've lost count on how many times I've woken up in the middle of the night to find him leaning against my bedroom doorway, just looking at me. Sometimes I talk to him and sometimes I pretend to sleep. The times I pretended to sleep I was really puzzled, why didn't he wake me? He just watched me for about an hour or so... then he left. The same question kept coming back to me over and over again, what does he really want from me?
Well incase you failed to notice, incase you failed to see
this is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees.
And these foolish game are tearing me apart
and your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
Breaking my heart...
He had told me twice that he loves me... but both times it seemed like he regretted it the second the said it and therefore covered the words up straight away. Both times he made my heart do a full flip-over, unfortunately did he make it sink just as fast. The lines 'this kind of love doesn't come with a ring' and 'I love you... in my own way' will be stuck in my head forever. I still don't have a clue what to make of them. Once again, he leaves me puzzled.
The time he really broke my heart was surprisingly not the time he told me to go back to Morelli. It was the time he said that he saw me as entertainment. Ranger was the one man that always had respected my choice of work and always helped me out. He was the only man I could count on in every weather. To hear him say that he sees me as entertainment was like a slap in the face... and it left me more broken hearted then I first thought.
Well excuse me, cause I've mistaken you for somebody else
somebody who gave a damn... somebody more like myself.
Like I said was the whole sending me back to Morelli not the worst part about waking up next to him. The worst part was the way he handled it, he avoided me when I tried to talk to him and put an end to the discussion by saying that no matter what we did for each other, we'd would never owe each other anything... emotionally and every other way. I was hurt. I guess I should have seen it coming, after all, he is a man. I just expected different for him. I'd always seen him as the man who took the consequences of his actions. To see him run the other way like that was new to me.
But who am I to judge? He's only human after all... I think. I wasn't any better myself, I kept going back and forth between him and Morelli, not making up my mind and instead felt guilty for everything. I've realized we're all just humans who all make mistakes, you can't go through life without them. I guess that's why I still love him after everything we've been through... cause I do love him, more than I realized at first. But it seems like the man of mystery wants to keep everything just like they are, Morelli has been out of my life for a long time know and still nothing has changed. I guess I have to accept that this is the way it's gonna be... even if it makes my heart ache.
And these foolish games are tearing me, tearing me, tearing me apart.
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
Your breaking my heart...
Just as I was about to hit the shower, my phone rang. I made my way over to it and answered.
"Hello"
"Babe... I'm... I'm sorry" he whispered quietly.
A warm feeling spread in the pit of my stomach. Maybe things could change after all.
Ranger POVAs I got in my car, I sat still for e few seconds, resting my head to the back and closing my eyes. I'd done it again, I don't know what's wrong with me but every time I'm near her I just loose track of everything. I'm constantly reminding her to be aware of her surroundings when I'm the exact opposite. Every time I meet the gaze of those bright blue eyes I can't help myself. Most of the times I kiss her she lets me kiss her and thank god for that. Her lips are the sweetest thing I've tasted and the only thing I can think about when she eats something or bite her lip. She's bad for me but I can't stop myself.
But sometimes things end like they did tonight. She ask the questions. The questions I ask myself everyday but still can't figure out. Instead I joke about it or make some lame comment, and I hate myself for it. Every time I see the sadness in her eyes, it feels like a hard blow to my stomach, pushing the air out of me. I want to give her an answer... but I don't even know it myself.
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you.
I love her, I do. It has even slipped over my lips two times, and nothing slips over my lips... not until she came along that is. Both times I wanted to kick myself for saying the words. It was just wrong for me to say something like that to her without being able to give her anything more. My lifestyle doesn't lend itself to relationships... no matter how much I wanted it to. My failed marriage was the proof of that.
The truth is that she scares me. I'm always in control of everything, I can make anything possible, they even call me Batman for Christ sake... but she turns everything upside down. And it scares me, I even try not to think to much about what she means to me because I'm afraid of what the answer might me.
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out in time, and hung me on a line.
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you...
One of the first things that attracted me the most to her was the way she treated me like anybody else. Most women stutter, blush and forget their names when I talk to them and even if that was flattering when I was younger, I've gotten really tired of it as time's gone by. Now it mostly annoys me. But Steph... she spoke to me without stuttering, she made jokes, she even teased me for Christ sake! Most people think I will kill them or something if they make a joke on my account. She was just... normal. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to be infatuated by a woman, I'd buried myself so deep in my work to forget about all those things. The only women in my life was my mother, sisters and of course my daughter. I devoted myself to my work and my training, shutting the normal world out. But then Steph came along, pulling me back into the real world, made me laugh and made me have an occasional doughnut here and there.
Maybe I'm a man, maybe I'm a lonely man who's in the middle of something
that he doesn't understand.
I keep telling myself that I can't go on like this, I can't have her in my life forever. I need to get things back the way they were... things made sense to me then.
But every time I see her that thought just disappears into thin air. Not only does she treat me like a fellow human being but she made me remember that flirting can be fun. The blushing and stuttering isn't always annoying... not when she's the one blushing. The thought of how I can make her gulp and see her cheeks heat up sends a warm feeling through my entire body. The fact that she doesn't notice that she does the same things to me, amazes me.
One time I lost all control and slept with her, it's the most intense experience I've ever had in my life... and I still remember everything like it was yesterday. Her soft hands on my skin, her moans and all the expressions on her face. The next day I wanted to kill myself, I had crossed the line and put myself deep in the shit. Steph's not like some people, sex is a big step for her. Not to forget the fact she was in a sort-of-relationship with Morelli. He's a good man but I can't stand him... the thought of him touching Steph like I do drives me crazy. A little voice in my head kept pointing out that Morelli wasn't in her life anymore.
Maybe I'm a man and maybe you're the only woman who could ever help me
baby wont you help me understand.
But as I told her, my lifestyle doesn't lend itself to relationships. I need to put a stop to this before I get completely lost. Things need to go back to the way they were. I thought back to they way my life looked like a few years ago and that was when it hit me. I don't want things to go back to the way they were. I couldn't never forget about her, not in a million years... and quite frankly, I don't want to either. To be honest, she's the best thing in my life right now. She's what makes me smile and makes me think the worlds not only a terrible place with terrible people in it. I mean she even makes me go to her in the middle of the night, just to watch her sleep. I know she wakes up almost every time even if she doesn't always show it. Every time I stand there I have to strain every muscle in my body to keep myself from crawling in next to her. It's like self torture... I don't know why I do it but I can't stop either.
I asked myself why? Why doesn't my life lend itself to relationships? Or to be more exact, a relationship with her. Morelli's not in her life anymore, I love her and to be honest there already is some sort of relationship going on... I'm already dropping things right and left to go help her when she calls so that wouldn't change, I've already lived with her for a while and loved every second of it. Ever since she moved back into her place my apartment seems big and empty.
Then it hit me... I need her. And these stupid games need to come to an end.
I picked up my phone, turned the car around to drive the way back to her apartment.
"Hello" she answered with her sweet voice.
"Babe... I'm... I'm sorry" I felt her smile through the phone and new things where going to change for the better.
Maybe I'm amazed of the way I really need you.
.Jewel - Foolish games
Paul McCartney - Maybe I'm amazed
I didn't use the entire lyrics, just picked out some part here and there.
Well that was that, a lot harder than I thought it would be. I probably wont be writing any more songfics so you can all start breathing again.
Have a nice day everybody.