Metal Gear Solid 2 Archival footage
By Untouchables50
(If this looks familiar, I did a similar fic like this for Resident evil 1-CV)
The game became a hit, selling 4.2 million copies and critically acclaimed. So to milk the series, they decided to release "Metal Gear Solid 2 Archival Footage" consisting of deleted scenes, outtakes, tidbits, etc. for release only in Japan (once again snubbing Americans, the ppl who made it popular in the first place.) Bitterness aside, ppl posted on message boards what the scenes consisted of, and some were quite shocking. Anyway, let me present you the Archival Footage.
When Solidus first enters and reveals himself to Raiden.
Solidus: Where have I seen him before?
Ocelot: (Over radio) I know him. He was in the films "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "I Need Your Cock", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", "Ass Blasters from Outer Space" and "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock".
Solidus: You seem to know a lot about his filmography.
Ocelot: (Quickly) Got it through background checks only, I swear!
Solidus: Rrrrrriiigggghhhhhhhttt. Anyways, my name is Solid Snake!
Plisken: No, that's not Solid Snake! (He rips off his pants and takes off his underwear) Now THIS is a solid snake!
When Liquid/Ocelot reveals himself at the end of the tanker.
Ocelot: …And of a liar. (His arm acts up and puts itself in Ocelot's pants) Liquid! Not now!
The cameraman films this with stunned looks by the Marines in the other holds.
Dolph: Don't shoot so early!
When the harrier was shot down but saved by RAY.
Solidus: Vamp, go!
Vamp: Are you crazy?!
Solidus: Just go jump in the water, and run! (Vamp does a silent prayer and jumps in the water face first.)
Hideo: Cut!
When the harrier was shot down but saved by RAY. TAKE 2
Solidus: Vamp, go!
Vamp: Are you crazy?!
Solidus: Just go jump in the water, and run! (Vamp does a silent prayer and jumps)
Hideo: Cut! Bring out the stunt double!
Jesus walks out of the dressing room.
When Snake is roaming around the holds in the tanker with all the marines, with the stealth on.
Snake walks to a guard and holds him up. He puts his hands up, and Snake pulls down his pants and yells "Hey!" All the marines notice and laugh.
Otacon: Snake, the stealth needs to be used for good! You can't waste it like that!
When Raiden first enters the AB connecting bridge and gets a call from the Colonel.
Colonel: Don't go out there right now! Enemy sentries are around!
Raiden: How do you know? Can you see what I'm doing?
Colonel: In a matter of speaking, yes, I can.
Raiden: What am I doing now? (He makes a V-shape with his hand and sticks his tongue through as a lesbian gesture).
Colonel: Don't do that, Raiden.
Raiden: Or this? (Makes a maturational gesture with his hands).
Colonel: Over and out. (Codec clicks off.)
When Rose calls him about what the next day would be.
Rose: Jack, do you know what day it is tomorrow?
Raiden: No.
Rose: Are you sure?
Raiden: Wait, now I know!
Rose: (Getting excited about her boyfriend remembering) Really?! What is it?
Raiden: It's the day I discovered masturbation!
Rose: I was thinking of something different.
Raiden: What were you thinking about?
Rose: The day we met.
Raiden: Oh.
Rose: You don't even remember that? It was a special day!
Raiden: So was discovering masturbation. A cherished memory.
Rose: Goodbye, Jack. (Codec clicks off).
Raiden: Something I said?
When Snake defeats Olga.
(Snake walks over and shoots her with the M9.)
Otacon: What are you doing?! Are you some kinda monster?
Snake: Calm down. You didn't overreact like this when I shot that guard in the head 25 times!
When Snake introduces himself as Iroquois Plisken.
Plisken: Bye. (Raiden leaves.) Bet he'll never figure out what the Plisken part means. You have to be a genius to know where that. (Looks at a movie a soldier had in his hip pocket.) Oooooo, it's Exit Wounds!
When Raiden finds Ames.
Ames: Who told you about me?
Raiden: A man calling himself Mr. X dressed like a ninja.
Ames: (Starts laughing.)
Raiden: What's so funny?
Ames: How long did it take you to come up with that story?
When Raiden finds the President.
President: You're…a man? (Still holds onto crotch.)
Raiden: Yes! And will you let go?
President: Nah, I'll hold on a little longer.
Raiden: No wonder they call you Johnson.
Aside from the game, in the editing room, Kojima confers with an editor.
Editor: The actor for the Colonel died yesterday.
Hideo: How?
Editor: Heart attack. Luckily, we were able to compile lines of previously recorded dialogue to complete his remaining scenes, which there aren't too many.
Hideo: How many lines do we need?
Editor: All the lines from the naked Raiden section and some for the RAY fight. We have a sample for you to go over.
Colonel: "I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari-Kiri Rock. I need scissors! 61!"
Editor: Doesn't it sound a little disjointed?
Hideo: Nah, it'll do.
And that's where the greatest line in video game history came from.
when Raiden meets the ninja
ninja: "I'm like you. I have no name."
Raiden: I have a name. it's Jack. And your name's Olga.
Ninja: Umm, no, umm, that's not true. I'm a ninja w/ no name.
Raiden: then why do you sound Russian and fem-
Ninja: Ok, do u want this disguise or not?!?!?!?
Colonel: Congratulations, you're grip strength has increased, Raiden.
Raiden: Thanks, but I prefer the traditional way of increasing grip. Now, where did my issue of FHM go?